How Legalism Sneaks Into Christian Marriage p2

The fastest way to drain joy from your faith is to turn it into a grading system. When we start believing that God approves of us because we performed well today, we do not just carry that pressure internally, we bring it into our Christian marriage, our parenting, and our daily home life. We get stuck on the performance treadmill, chasing a personal “it” that promises relief but delivers more fear, guilt, and constant self-evaluation.

We dig into how legalism works, why it can feel so convincing, and why Paul warns that it spreads like yeast in Galatians 5. We also ask a question many believers are afraid to say out loud: can a true Christian still be legalistic? From there, we name what happens when we “become judge,” set our own bar, and swing between determination and condemnation. If you have perfectionistic tendencies, or you feel like you and your spouse are always measuring each other, this conversation puts language to what is happening beneath the surface.

Then we pivot to hope and a practical way forward. John 15 reframes spiritual growth as abiding in Christ, not straining to earn love, and First John 4 draws the line clearly: legalism runs on fear, but obedience grows from love. We close with a real marriage moment and a challenge to talk honestly with your spouse about the “pit” you fall into, inviting support without making them your rescuer.

If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a friend who feels crushed by performance, and leave a review so more couples can find grace-filled, Christ-centered marriage help.

Transcript

Welcome And Marriage Mission

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Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

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Hey

Legalism And Grace In Marriage

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there, we are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have made Vows to Keep. Today we're in part two of legalism. Is your life a mix of legalism and grace? How about your marriage? And how can you tell? Try this on for size. Instead of the joy of knowing God and living in the joy of forgiveness because of grace, do you focus, like I do a lot of times, on rules and lists and the outward conformity that we feel has to be maintained just to be accepted? I wonder where and how you learned legalism. You may need to unlearn it by learning the truth, the doctrine of grace, fresh and new again. Last week on Vows2Keep Radio, we defined the doctrine of legalism, what legalism is and how it affects not only you but your relationships. If you missed last week's broadcast, I invite you to go online and listen at vowstokeep.com. So let's recap last week's broadcast before we head into today's. We made six points about legalism. Number one, legalism is a doctrine. The doctrine of legalism rests on this foundation: the belief that the right performance is going to equal the right acceptance and approval. Number two, legalism feels good. That performance of legalism can buy our pride exactly what it wants. Legalism can make us look pretty good to ourselves and to others. And number three, legalism is a gospel replacement. We stop believing the cross of Jesus is enough. And so we try to add to it. We replace the gospel with our works and we try to earn and keep our right standing before God. And that causes us to do number four. Number four, legalism enables me to feel justified even when my heart really isn't right with God. And number five, legalism is sin. Because it's the sin of not trusting and it's a sin of pride, legalism exalts human ability to be our own savior and it says no to God's grace. And number six, that we talked about last week, legalism is not obedience. And let me tell you, as someone who has struggled with legalism for a long time, this is where it can get tricky because our works can look like a response to the gospel rather than a replacement for it. Our works can look like obedience to God's word. So on a radio show about marriage, why are we talking about legalism? Legalism boils down to what you believe about God, what you think God thinks of you is the second most important thing you'll ever think about. But don't be mistaken, legalism isn't just something that affects how you feel about God. It affects how you think others view you as well. And when you feel judged and evaluated by your performance, whether it's simply just perceived or not, here's what you do, and here's what I do. We tend to push others away and we tend to make them perform too. So this series on legalism is for those of us who have perfectionistic tendencies, or for those of us who have a spouse who is predisposed to performance. This is for those of us who know Christ as our Savior, but we have a hard time not trying to earn his love or thinking that, you know what, today he loves me more because of all the good things I've done, or just the opposite. Today he must love me a little less because of my sin. Jesus in the Gospels speaks strongly to Pharisees about their legalistic tendencies. He wants us to know the truth of the gospel. He wants us to know the depth of his love for us. Jesus hates legalism because it keeps his bride far from him. She's constantly holding him at arm's length. And if you're a husband or wife who struggles with this, you're probably holding your spouse at arm's length too, and you might not even know it. This is something that I personally struggle with every single day, and I see it affecting my marriage. So today, as we talk, I'm talking to myself just as much as I'm talking to you.

The Performance Treadmill And "It"

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And here's how legalism plays out in my own life. See if you can relate. I get caught in a cycle of telling God and telling myself that I'm almost there, that I've just about got it, quote unquote, figured out. And there are lots of it's out there: time, personal Bible study or prayer, service, ministry, fruits of the spirit, parenting, marriage, money, stewardship of our time, resources, energy, possessions. What's your it? Where are you performing in your life, trying to earn God's approval, or maybe someone else's? Here's another way of asking it. What are you doing in response to fear or guilt? My it, quote unquote, is probably how I spend my time. That's a biggie for me. I'm constantly analyzing if in fact I am getting it right, quote unquote. And of course, I never think I did get it right. So there's this constant fear or guilt hovering over me. Did I spend enough time with my kids today? Did David get the message that I love him? This morning, instead of doing my devotions, you know what? I slept an extra half hour. Oh shoot, I'll have to do good enough later to make up for that. And then later on, I'd planned to exercise and shower and begin my to-do list for the day. And then I went to take out the garbage. There was some old meat in there that I had forgotten about, and it stunk to high heaven and made a gigantic mess. So the cleanup threw my whole schedule for the morning off, and I felt bad that I was behind, even though it wasn't something I could have predicted. Add that to already feeling bad about not doing my devotions, and I set myself up for a day of performance. And that leads to how I feel most days. Behind and therefore frustrated. Maybe you're resonating with what I'm saying today. The reason my it is time is because I run on the performance treadmill before God. I feel He's given me 24 hours in a day and several missions to accomplish, and I need to get my act together and accomplish as much as humanly possible. The gap in my theory comes in the reason, though, for my stewardship. I believe that biblically we should be excellent stewards of the time that God's given us. I also believe that our time should be invested in eternal purposes, not in selfish pursuits. But here's where I get off track. I want my stewardship to purchase something for me. I want how I spend my time to make God happy so he'll be happy with me. And I do the exact same thing with David, trying to earn his love, judging and weighing what I do for David on a scale of performance. Did I love you enough today, honey? Enough to earn your love for me? Enough to get by, maybe, enough to prove my love for you, enough to ease my conscience? Do you see a pattern of legalism showing up in your marriage? Your relationship with God, maybe? How is legalism showing up in how you raise your kids? Is it by rules or relationship? Are they under your thumb or are you teaching them how to come under God's headship? There's a question I'd like to propose as we begin our main points today on part two of legalism here on Vows

Can Christians Be Legalistic

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to Keep Radio. Here it is. Can you be a true Christian and also be legalistic? I've done some digging in my Bible, and I believe the answer to that question is yes. I believe you can. I asked Jesus to be my savior as a little girl, but as a legalistic Christian, I have viewed the gospel as something that's happened in my past. I believed in Jesus as my savior, a one-time act that I left behind as I pursued acceptance with God. Paul addresses believers in Galatians 3 and Galatians 5 about this very matter. Legalistic Christians who are trying to be justified by the law instead of relying on the grace given to them through Christ. Let's read Galatians 5, 7 through 9. You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn't God, for he is the one who called you to freedom. This false teaching is like a little yeast that spreads throughout the whole batch of dough. So point seven in this series is legalism is like yeast. A little spreads a long way. Performance is appealing because our pride gets stroked. If I do all the right things, hey, I'm gonna be super awesome. And as a super awesome person or a super awesome wife or husband, I'm gonna be loved more. That's the message that we think, that's the message we believe. And it becomes the message that we live. The problem in that is point number eight. In legalism and performance, I become judge. I usurp God's place as judge and take over. I don't think any of us wants to come to the end of our life and see that we were just running on a hamster wheel and really not going anywhere, not doing anything of lasting value. But what that thought does for me is it causes me to be in constant evaluation mode. How did I do today? Did I cross every T? Did I dot every I? I've judged that if I did enough, I did good. Ever felt that way? My motivation is to be accepted and for my work to be accepted. The problem with that is that I'll never feel like I did enough. I'll always feel like I've fallen short, or if I've had an exceptional day and everything went just right, I'll feel that I am accepted. And it's in this thought process that I become the ultimate judge of my acceptance before Christ, not what he's done for me on his cross. So here's the cycle we can get on when we become judge. As legalistic Christians, we want to know the law. Then we want to follow the law to the letter. And inevitably we screw up. And because of that, we feel guilt, condemnation, and anger. So we reject the law. We ignore God's grace, but then in performance, we reaffirm determination to follow the law better. And then we sin, and then we feel guilt and condemnation and anger. So we reject the law. We ignore God's grace to cover our sin. But then again, we reaffirm our determination to follow the law, and the cycle goes on and on.

Supporting Vows To Keep Ministry

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Marriage is Vows to Keep's mission field. Vows to Keep offers Christ-centered marriage resources for couples wishing to prepare, enrich, and renew their marriages. These resources include weekend retreats, conferences, date nights, and radio broadcasts across Ohio. Your financial gift will allow Vows2Keep to continue to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages. Parefully consider what you believe God is calling you to contribute to help serve future couples. If you'd like to make a tax-deductible donation, visit vowstoKeep.com and click on the donate button.

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In legalism,

Fear Based Obedience Versus Love

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we set our own bar of expectations. We can either raise it or lower it depending on the day. And we view everything we do by our bar. If you're towing the line and doing pretty good, for example, you've gotten up early every day this week to read your Bible and you haven't yelled at your kids or lost your temper with your husband this week, then you feel that God's feeling pretty good about you right now and might even leave you alone for a while, or he might not punish you, or he might not knock you over the head. He might even give you a blessing. But when you're below the line, you're below your bar, it's the kick the dog sort of a day, you feel behind and you try to perform better so that God will be happy with you again. It's a crazy cycle that maybe you don't even recognize you're on, or maybe you've caught a glimpse of it every now and then and you'd like to get off this crazy cycle, but you don't know how. Or maybe you've had no idea, like me, for so many years that you're even in the cycle, but you feel the grind of it. You feel like you're slowly being worn down. You're weary when you get up in the morning, you avoid people, you avoid conversations if you're having an especially legalistic day. You're in constant evaluation mode. Am I doing good today? I feel like I might be missing something. Am I doing this Christian thing right? You beat yourself up for past mistakes, mistakes that God has given you forgiveness for. And this brings us to number nine. Legalism causes us to perform in fear. God has set his law out for us, but no one but Jesus has lived a sinless life. And Romans 3 tells us something we all know. We've all fallen short of the glory of God. But when we become our own judge and we live in that evaluation mode, we quickly see that we don't measure up. And it's at this crossroad that many Christians turn the wrong direction. We choose the path of working hard in fear and guilt to stay in God's good graces rather than follow the path of amazing grace that never ends, the grace that covers every sin. Remember this today. Take this home with you. Legalism is based on fear. Obedience is based on love. First John 4, starting in verse 13, says, This is how we know that we live in Him and He in us. He has given us His Spirit, and we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them. In verse 18, there is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. And listen to this last sentence. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. People who are Christians who don't walk in God's grace, they walk in fear and sometimes condemnation, shame, anger. They have not been perfected in love. They don't completely understand God's love for them. They fear punishment, always trying to make sure that they stay out of the bad graces of God, or maybe they're just trying to become more mature believers through their performance of the law. I know one of the reasons you're listening today is because you do want to grow in Christ. And if following a certain subset of rules doesn't cause us to grow in Christ, then what does? What does growing as a Christian look like? I've asked myself, shouldn't I constantly be doing something for the Lord in order to grow? That's my struggle. That's been my question in the past. But I've taken it upon myself to answer it without really looking at what God's Word has to say about the matter. You might be saying, okay, so does that mean we don't have to do anything? What about striving for holiness? What about spiritual growth? What about obedience? You know, I'm glad you asked because I have the same questions. But the good news is that God knew we would wonder about this, and he has already answered it for us in his word.

Abiding In Christ For Real Growth

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So let's look at number 10 here. Legalism is a sanctification replacement. If you have your Bible, turn to John 15 and let's talk for a minute about abiding in Christ. When I was growing up, I would read this passage about the vine and the branches, and I would see the word picture that God paints for us. We remain attached to the vine and something good happens. Fruit. Sign me up, right? I like fruit. Fruit is good. If I produce fruit, God will be happy with me. That's what I want. So where's the nearest hookup? But I was mistaken. I built my shaky foundation on this belief that God loves me more when I produce more. So what is this passage really all about? I believe it's about relationship and the resulting spiritual growth that comes from it. I believe this passage is about sanctification, sometimes called progressive or experiential sanctification. This is the effect of obedience to the word of God in your life. Sanctification is growing to look more and more like Christ. Let's read a few key verses from this passage as Jesus teaches in John 15. And as you listen, I want you to think about the fruit of the Spirit that's talked about in Galatians chapter 5: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Jesus says in John 15, I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, he prunes, so that it will be even more fruitful. I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. I still struggle with this lie that if I produce more fruit, God will love me more. So in order to combat that, we need to keep reading this passage in John 15, verse 9, Jesus says, As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Here's the part I want you to tune in at. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. In this verse, we have the solution to our legalistic tendencies relationship and its response. Jesus does this. He reassures us of his love. He wants us to deeply know how he feels about us. And in a way that at first doesn't make sense to our human minds, he says, I'm giving you a way to grow here, to produce fruit, and to remind yourself of my love for you. Here it is. Keep my commands, walk in my ways. In this relationship with God and the response that follows, we're not simply checking off a to-do list of good deeds. Rather than a cycle that goes round and round, this is a beautiful growth process. Because we're in Christ, we don't have to hope that we're going to stay attached to the vine. We already are. And as we keep God's commands, we begin to grow in him. We produce fruit that is pleasing to him. And we also have complete joy as we know his love more fully. We don't have to strive to stay attached. We are attached. And now we change over time as the Spirit works in us and through us and as we grow in the sanctification process. This attachment is a union that we can choose to believe is changed moment by moment by our performance or lack thereof, or we can choose to believe it is a solid fact that we are in Christ because of our faith in him. We can't remain in God's love if we're trying to gain his approval on our own. And in this word picture from John 15, you can see that. We see ourselves as a separate branch, pushing and groaning and giving all of our effort to produce a little fruit so that he'll want us. We forget that apart from him we can do nothing. Our performance masquerades as obedience, but nothing good ever comes from our efforts. We only get burned and then we want to quit. It may sound slightly religious to say that to remain in God's love, we have to keep his commandments. So let's talk about that for a minute. For someone who's been knee deep in legalism and performance most of their life and in their marriage, it sounds like just another thing to try to live up to. But listen to Romans 7, 4 through 6. God says, You died to the power of the law when you died with Christ, and now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. And verse 6 says, But now we have been released from the law. We have died to it, we are no longer captive to its power, and now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit. In this staying in step with the Spirit, guess who gets the glory? First Corinthians 10 31 says, So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. And Matthew 5 16 says, in the same way, let your light shine before men so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Am I going to be a legalistic Christian or a grace-filled Christian? Am I going to be a legalistic wife or a grace-filled wife? Am I going to be a legalistic parent or a grace-filled parent? Am I going to stay attached to the vine and obey out of love for God and the joy that it brings both Him and me? Am I going to replace the gospel of Jesus Christ with my own and become my own judge? Or am I going to hold on to the truth of God's word and stand firm on it? Before

Freedom From Rules And The Pit

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we close today, let's look at Colossians chapter two. So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. Don't let anyone capture you, God's word says, with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world rather than from Christ. Colossus 2 13 says, When you were dead in your sins, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave all of our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us, it condemned us, and he has taken it away. He nailed it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. God has set you free in Jesus Christ. You are free to not live under your own set of laws anymore. You are free to not let your husband live under your laws anymore. You are free to not let your children live under your laws anymore. You are free to live your life in Jesus Christ, letting your roots grow down into him and letting your lives be built on the truth of Jesus Christ. Does your spouse know your struggle with legalism? David knows my struggle. We've talked a lot about it. He knows it's ongoing too. Sometimes I struggle to believe the truth. More than other times. And recently this has been more of an issue for me. And David knew that because I had shared it with him and he encourages me towards what's right. He came up to me yesterday and he took my hand and he said, I love you. Not because of how you're performing, not because of anything you're doing or not doing. I love you because I love you. I'm committed to you. I said, You know what, David, I might need to hear that again. But his answer is what surprised me. I thought he was going to say, I'll gladly tell you that as many times as you need to hear it. Instead, he said, You have to own this truth, Tracy. I will not always know when you need to hear this. You'll need to replay the tape of this truth in your mind over and over. Now I know David would happily spend many hours repeating these truths to me and the truth of God's word to me, but what he said challenged me. And now I'm going to extend that challenge to you. Your spouse may or may not be aware of your struggle with legalism. They definitely see the fruit of it in your marriage, but they might not know what to call it. And if they don't know how to identify it, they won't be able to help you address it. I'm not saying to manage this on your own. God put the two of you together to sharpen one another and to bring the dross up to the top when life heats up. Your spouse has a very specific role in helping you grasp and walk out these biblical principles that we've talked about, but don't put it on them to dig you out of the pit that you fall into. You need to define the pit for them. You need to explain the specifics of the pit to them. You need to help them understand why you fall into the pit. You need to let them know what shovels you use that dig the pit deeper. You can even ask them to throw you a rope and help you climb out of the pit, but they are not your rescuer. The rope they throw you can be the reminders of God's word and the truth about your marriage, but you need to run to God and ask him to fill up that hole, to be the one who closes up the pit so you stop falling into it in the first place.

Final Challenge And Next Week

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This week, stay attached to the vine and join us next week as we conclude this series on legalism here on Vows to Keep Radio.

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Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio? Listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsTokeep.com. Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsTokeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.