Living Upside Down

Fair feels natural in marriage. Grace does not. When we follow our instincts, we often aim for control, payback, or the bare minimum, then wonder why the same fights keep repeating. We dig into why rules can manage behavior but never create the deep heart change a Christian marriage needs, and why Jesus goes straight after what is happening beneath the surface. 

We’ve been studying the Sermon on the Mount, and the message is unmistakable: God’s kingdom economy is upside down. Jesus calls us to forgive when we want to punish, to serve when we want to be served, to pray when we want to judge, and to love most when our spouse deserves it least. We translate those commands into real, practical marriage moments like harsh words, old offenses resurfacing, unequal workloads, and the temptation to keep score. 

We also share a personal story from our own life about choosing a small step of financial obedience and watching God provide in unexpected ways, not just to improve a bank account but to grow our faith. The thread tying it all together is simple and hard: amazement at Jesus’ teaching is temporary, but obedience plants truth deep enough to change the tone of a home. 

If you want a biblically healthy marriage marked by forgiveness, compassion, and real transformation, listen now and take one concrete step today. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review that helps more couples find the path toward God’s design for marriage.

Transcript

Welcome And Mission For Marriages

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

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We are David and Tracy Sellers, and we have made vows to keep.

Rules Restrain But Hearts Stay Same

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David, when I was a teenager, somebody gave me this little book called Life's Little Instruction Book. Have you ever heard of that before?

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I had one, I think, at some time.

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I think it had like about 500 short little one or two liners in it. And I quote, this is how they describe it. Suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life. I think I read every page of that at least a hundred times, but all these years later, I only remember one of them. Here it is. Good instruction, don't you think?

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Oh man, I've helped enough people move that uh that those are words to live by right there.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Now I have no idea if the writer of that little palm-sized book was a Christian or not, but many of them, let's just call them rules or regulations by which our country, our schools, and our workplaces and homes abide by really have the Bible as the originator. And let me prove it to you. There are laws against stealing and committing murder. And if your spouse has an affair on you, guess what? The court is going to rule in your favor. Think about the Ten Commandments here.

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For example, at your job, is there order in the workflow and submission to authority? Just like God teaches in Ephesians. In any school hallway and any city are character traits that they want to build into each student. Here are some of the common ones like caring, honesty, integrity, responsibility, contentment, trustworthiness, happiness. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Similar to the fruit of the spirit?

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Now I'm still trying, David, to put into practice that phrase, when there's a piano to be moved, don't reach for the bench. Because that type of behavior isn't programmed into me at birth. Even reading that saying so much so that years later I remember it, it hasn't done anything to shape my character. I'm not a more godly person for having read that. The laws that our government sets up for our communities, what they do is they create bumpers along the gutters that most people recognize. Most people adhere to those, if not for anything else, for the fear of what punishment might come with them. But the laws and rules at school and at work and in society, they don't create lasting change inside of us.

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If you have kids or maybe nieces or nephews, you've probably seen this play out for them too. The parents go out on a date and the babysitter is left in charge. It's their first time, and of course, she's trying to figure out what's what. But the kids, they know exactly what they're doing. Even the little ones know that when mom and dad are away, the cats can play. So they push and pull and prod to find out exactly how far they can bend the rules of the house. How much can they actually get away with?

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That poor babysitter.

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Yeah, see, the rules of the home curb the behavior of the kids. But if the kiddos don't buy into the reason for the rules, even if it's what's best for them, if they don't own it for themselves, the motivation to follow is shallow.

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Matthew 15, 19 says, For from the heart come these things evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, slander. And Jesus says, These are the things that defile you. See, it's our hearts that need the transformation from within. And that's exactly what Jesus came to do. Thank you, Lord, for that. The people that Jesus encountered while he was here on earth were not so unlike you and I today. He spoke with those who were seeking. He talked with those people who lived really hypocritical lives, those who patted themselves on the back for keeping all the rules and who were judgmental of those who didn't. So Jesus steps onto the scene at the beginning of his earthly ministry, and like he did with the money changers who were buying and selling in the temple, he flips the tables on us. He turns it all upside down. He causes us to reevaluate our reasoning. And what he introduces in his teachings is so far outside the box, it's actually uncomfortable to even listen to, no less live it out.

Jesus Introduces The Upside Down Kingdom

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We've been studying the Sermon on the Mount for the last three weeks here on Vows to Keep Radio in our Bible for Marriage series, and we've seen Jesus systematically laying out for us a distinctly different kind of life than we ever thought we wanted, more than we ever thought was possible.

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Throughout his earthly ministry, Jesus teaches us about his backwards kingdom, his economy, things that didn't and still don't seem to make sense to us. What came out of his mouth floored those who were listening. He said shocking things like the last shall be first and the first will be last, serve to lead, die to live, work to rest, give to be satisfied.

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Sounds totally backwards, doesn't it? He says, Give in secret to be rewarded, forgive to be forgiven. In your sinful state, be perfect, just as your heavenly father is perfect, and love those who hate you. When Jesus teaches us these things, he is showing us the new kingdom in which we are invited to live, a kingdom of which he is king, and he's not just any old ruler. He didn't come and reign and rule from a self-made throne or a castle. He actually went throughout the land as a servant, as a shepherd, caring about people's hearts and eternities, caring about their ailments, caring about them. He didn't sit on a throne and wait for people to come to him and wait on him hand in foot. In fact, he went to his people.

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See, Jesus lived this upside down, completely backwards way of thinking. With eternity set before us, God helps us in our current state of need, not to make us more comfortable, but to propel us and to compel us to see further than the right here, right now.

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He helps me to deal with the selfishness of my humanity. And aren't you grateful for that? That he steps into your marriage and he deals with your sin. He helps us see beyond who has offended me. He helps me understand that it's not how close I can get to the line of God's law without going over it. That's not what my life is about. He deals with the ruling of my heart by lust and greed and self-centeredness. See, God loves us enough. He cares about your marriage enough to address those things to take us further. He is calling us to come, come deeper than the pettiness of the last spat that we had with our spouse, to call us out further into his kingdom and to see into eternity. The Sermon on the Mount that we've been studying is spoken by our King in the deepest kind of love to us so that we might say yes to his call to come, to be part of what God is doing right now in this world in preparation for the world to come. You are invited to participate in the divine nature, to leave behind the old and to step into a new day. Jesus says in Luke 17, 21, the kingdom of God is already among you. It's in your midst. That applies to you today. The kingdom of God is right there in the midst of your marriage. This is our calling. This is what we were made for. And Jesus, as the perfect king, he shows us and teaches us how to live in direct opposition to what our flesh would demand. And in return, we get to learn God's kingdom economy and we learn how to live upside down. Talk about awesome.

A Debt Free Story Of Faithfulness

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So David and I got to experience God's economy at work and a little something called faithfulness. I'm going to keep this short because we have a lot of ground to cover today in learning from the Sermon on the Mount. But let me just say that God showed up in a big way when our human frailties were at their best. Ten years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom with three little kids, and David and I were just sort of going through life: work and preschool, grocery shopping, dinner baths, bedtime, repeat. Then a friend introduced us to the financial concept of paying off the highest debt first and rolling the payment onto the next loan. We only had student loans and our house payment at the time, but I really felt a stirring in my heart to get debt free. And David totally agreed. Now we didn't have a lot of extra money, but we found $50 a month and put it towards our highest bill. And it looked like it was going to be about another seven years until all those student loans were paid off. That was okay with us because we had a plan and we felt like we were on the right track. And then unexpectedly, two weeks after we did this, David got a raise at work. $200 a month. That was a big deal. And we put that towards the biggest bill. And God took our really small act of obedience and blessed us tremendously. See, God provided some opportunities that year for us to earn extra money by fixing and selling some classic cars. And within 15 months, we were free of all of our student loan debt. Seven years of debt condensed down to 15 months as only God. How it increased our faith to see God's economy at work. Not his economy as we would think about it in financial terms, but his kingdom economy.

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Let's be honest here. I think I'd rather take a close look at my bank account than have a conversation with God about my defiant heart when we're in the middle of some difficult discussion. But the thing is, is there really is no middle ground with God. He doesn't want a lukewarm heart that's half in, half out. He wants all of you. He wants all of your marriage. He sets before you two choices live in my kingdom economy and be blessed, or make up your own rules and watch your relationships be destroyed. And that's what he says to the Israelites in Deuteronomy thirty. He says, See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I commanded you today to love your Lord your God, to walk in obedience with him, and to keep his commands, decrees, and laws. Then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live, and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him, for the Lord is your life.

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David, I want to choose life. I want God's blessing for our marriage, even though God's economy sometimes seems so upside down, so opposite of what I would just naturally pick.

Sermon On The Mount At Home

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So if Jesus stood before you and your spouse today and he called you to love the most when the other person deserved it the least, what would you do? What if he looked you in the eye and said, Hey, these are the things I want the two of you to put into practice in your marriage? What if he taught you these things like he did to the crowds that were listening to him preach? See, here's what he's saying to us right now. If someone slaps you on the cheek, turn the other cheek too.

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And we're not advocating hitting each other.

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Absolutely not.

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But try this on for size. If your wife land blasts you with her words, don't shout back in rage. Love her with gentle, compassionate words. Put your arms around her.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

That's definitely turning the other cheek, and it's definitely gonna get their attention. It's gonna speak really loudly. Jesus says this too. If anyone takes your coat, also give them your shirt. So let me give you an example. If your husband forgets to mow the lawn or shovel the walk like you've asked him to do, do it for him while he's at work, and when he gets home, have his favorite dinner waiting for him too.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

Well, you talk about a husband who will know the love of his wife. Both those things would speak loudly. Jesus says, Go the extra mile even when someone is being unfair. So if your wife brings up a past offense during a fight about something else, something completely unrelated, forgive her, even as she's accusing you, and then make sure that she knows your repentance on the matter.

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Going that extra mile when someone is not treating you respectfully, not treating you fairly is definitely living upside down. Jesus says this lend to those who you know will not pay you back.

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So if your wife's attitude has been a little less than pleasant toward you today, send her to the bathtub while you make dinner and maybe do the bedtime chores of the kids, knowing that she may not even say thank you.

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This is like Jesus going to the cross, dying for our sins before we ever committed our lives to him, before we ever gave our love back to him. He says, I'm gonna do this for you, whether you turn to me or not. So what if Jesus told you that your marriage needs to exist within his kingdom economy, even when it doesn't make sense? Would you go all in, especially when he says things like this?

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Jesus says, Don't judge, and you will not be judged.

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The next time your husband sits like a duff on the couch all night, look at him with new eyes. Not judging eyes, but knowing that he might need to just sit on the couch and rest. Or maybe if that's what he does every night, you know what? God might be working on something in his heart that you don't even know about. Look at him the way God looks at you. Look at him with eyes of grace and compassion. And as he sits there not helping you with the dishes rather than judging him, I would challenge you to pray for him.

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And that ties well to the next thing when Jesus says pray for those you'd rather hate. Oh, you talk about one of the hardest things in my life to ever do. This is it. Use this backwards commandment from Jesus the next time your spouse is intentionally spiteful toward you, even hurtful. And few people are close enough in your life to invoke the kind of pain that your spouse can. But will you pray for them? It will soften your heart, and you know what? You will both reap the rewards in the long term.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Are you beginning to see? I hope, what living upside down is all about? Let's do three more. Jesus says, remove the plank in your own eye first in order to see the speck in your spouse's eye. So basically, before you get all up in arms about your spouse's sin, spend some quiet time with God, getting your own heart right. God does call us to come alongside one another when our brother or sister in Christ, and that's your husband or your wife, is in sin. But we have to watch that we're not doing it in pride or judgment. We've got to be genuinely honest and authentic about our own shortcomings, even so much so that we would ask our spouse to check frequently in our eye for planks or specs to be that humble.

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Couple more. Follow the golden rule. Now, Tracy, the golden rule might have been something you saw in your life's little instruction book.

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I think it might have been.

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But this was God's original idea. Matthew 7 12. Let me read it. Do unto others what you'd like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. Putting this into practice is also living the great commandment we find in Matthew 22. It says, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commands. Can you imagine the heartache that we would avoid just by doing this? And what and the joy we'd find by keeping the great commandment in your vows.

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And this final one is a kicker. Love those who mistreat you, Jesus says. Yep. Love your spouse the most when they deserve it the least to live the high life in God's economy.

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And I we've seen it to be true.

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I definitely have. It's tough in the moment, but the long-term benefits are amazing. So Jesus finishes teaching this large group of people who listened to this famous Sermon

Amazement Versus Obedience And Teachable Hearts

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on the Mount. And the Bible says that the people who were there in the crowd were amazed by his teachings. I am too. But amazement is nothing more than a temporary emotion. It's just a little peek into the realities of God's kingdom that we've been talking about. Amazement will not get me any farther than reading life's little instruction book. It's not going to affect any heart change in me. My amazement at what Jesus is teaching in his word can sometimes be a mask over the eyes of my heart. I'm in wonder at who he is, what he says, and what he's done. But have I let his truth be planted in my heart? Have I watered it? Have I cultivated that truth? Have I made it my own? Am I amazed at God's word? Certainly. Is that wrong? Absolutely not. But am I willing to tell my emotions to take a back seat while I go all in with God?

SPEAKER_02 17:52

Tracy, I don't have it all figured out. We're certainly not asking for a clap on the back for getting debt free. But I am asking this question of myself. Am I teachable? Yeah, some days I would say, yeah, I think I am. And other days, not a chance. Are you teachable? Do we even want to learn about God's economy? Are we amazed like the crowds were at the teaching of Jesus? And then we walk away and we put these concepts into our little God box on a shelf and just continue our lives as is? Because to be honest, that's the easiest thing to do. And it even feels right to do sometimes. It feels safe, kind of comfortable just to keep on keeping on.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

I agree. It it gives me a sense of security if I dictate what I do. It seems to benefit me the most if I control my marriage, to try to get out of it what I think I need. It feels uncertain at first, even painful to my flesh to live upside down, to not just ease myself into following Jesus little by little, but taking the whole of what he teaches and letting it transform how I react. It transforms the tone of my home. So if this isn't easy, David, why is God asking us to do it? I think there are two reasons.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Number one is this is what God has done for us. And if you think about it, his sacrifice for us, it doesn't make sense. God could have washed his hands of all of us sinners and started over with a totally clean slate. His perfect creation was marred by you and I. But we all know the flip side of that coin. We are so grateful. Our death sentence for our sin is not placed on our shoulders. We know it was placed on the one who did not deserve it. But he took it anyway. Talk about overturning what makes the most amount of sense to my logic. The second reason is when we live in the economy of his kingdom, that kingdom grows and expands. So picture this scene with me. You treat your wife in a loving, compassionate, passionate way that she doesn't deserve, and she is going to take notice. Her heart is going to soften over time, not only to you, but to her savior. God uses you as a tool in her life to shape her, to mold her more and more into the image of her Creator. It's a beautiful transformation, one that Romans 14, 17 talks about. The kingdom of God begins to shine in her as she lives a life of goodness, of peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. That's kingdom fruit right there. And because she's changing, she's shining the light of Jesus everywhere she goes work, school, church, community, home, and that affects the people she comes into contact with. She's beginning to live upside down because you've been loving her in this backwards economy. The choices that she's beginning to make aren't how the rest of the world would have handled a situation. And God's kingdom grows through her witness. And it could start with you. Forgiving her because you've been forgiven, praying for her when she's wronged you, or you see a major area where she needs to grow. You saying with your actions, Lord, your kingdom come, your will be done, not mine, Lord, yours. And you lead her as you serve her. You model your God to her and your love. It's precious and it's right, and it's the way that God intended your marriage to be.

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David, what you're talking about is God's kingdom come right there in your own home. And we've seen it in our own lives. It's so rewarding.

Scripture Recap And How To Respond

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As we begin to wrap up today on Vows to Keep Radio and this Bible for Marriage series, let's look at some of these scriptures we've been talking about. I'm going to read from Luke chapter six. Jesus says, But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks. And when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to. Jesus continues in Luke 6, verse 32 If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much. And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. Jesus says this love your enemies, do good to them, lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge others, Jesus says, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you'll be forgiven. Give and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full, pressed down, shaken together, to make room for more, running over and poured into your lap. And finally, Jesus says this the amount you give will determine the amount that you get back. Following God's commands builds his kingdom, and in doing so, you will find a treasure like none other, like it talks about here in Matthew 13. It says, The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure that a man discovered hidden in a field. In his excitement, he hid it again and sold everything he owned to get enough money to buy that field. And again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant on the lookout for choice pearls. When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it.

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Like what you heard today on Vows2Keep Radio? Listen to more life-changing broadcasts at vowstoke.com.

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God's economy and God's kingdom are worth us giving up our rights, our possessions, our agenda, our rules, our comfort, and choosing the life that God sets before us. The next time you're challenged to live upside down, it'll probably be today. Dig deep for the treasure of the kingdom of heaven. Your marriage and your God are worth it.

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Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsToKeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.