You Can Learn To Speak Courage Into Your Marriage

Avoiding your wife doesn’t make the problem disappear, it just teaches your marriage to live with distance. Today we name the cycle a lot of couples get trapped in: annoyance that grows into anger, bitterness that hardens into apathy, and silence that turns into full-blown avoidance. If you’re a husband who wants to love well but feels stuck, worn out, or unsure how to talk without it becoming a fight, we give you a clear, biblical path forward. 

We use a simple and surprisingly practical study: how Jesus communicates in the Gospels. We look at how he speaks to his disciples with immediacy and encouragement, how he goes deeper than surface talk, and how he asks thoughtful questions that draw out the heart. Then we talk about truth telling and why spiritual leadership in marriage isn’t about winning arguments, it’s about guiding your home with Scripture as the shared standard so you can lead without harsh judgment or defensiveness. 

Next we shift to how Jesus speaks to crowds and skeptics, which matters when your spouse feels guarded or doubtful about you. We focus on compassion when you’re tired, strength that comes from God rather than your own resources, loving challenge that calls someone higher, and wholehearted sacrifice that refuses to keep score. You’ll walk away with marriage communication tools, Christian husband leadership insights, and a renewed vision for discipling your wife with grace and truth. 

Subscribe to Vows to Keep Radio on your favorite podcast app, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more couples find biblically healthy marriage encouragement. What’s one conversation you’ve been avoiding that you’re ready to face with courage?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

This is David and Tracy Sellers. We're so glad you're here with us today as we continue in our two-part series of I love this title, David. You gotta you gotta say it.

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How to stop burying your head in the sand and love your woman like you want to.

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I bet all the guys are like, yeah, okay, yeah, I'm gonna maybe admit I have my head in the sand, but I definitely want to love my woman.

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And there's a few women that are probably saying, Oh gosh, how do I get my husband to tune into this? Well, listen, here's how you do it.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Yeah, David, you no longer have to worry if your spouse is tuned in to Vows to Keep Radio at the same time as you because Vows to Keep Radio is now a podcast on all the major podcast networks. So you just got to search for Vows to Keep.

From Annoyance To Avoidance

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Subscribe, and you will get to enjoy it anywhere, anytime.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

So as we begin today, I have a question for David. He doesn't know I'm gonna ask him this, but David, when was the last time you were annoyed with me?

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Hmm. You know there's no good answer to that question, right? Every guy listening knows that. But they're not looking at their wife like I am right now. I actually can't remember. I I would have to think it's probably been within the last month, but I I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

From personal experience, when I'm annoyed with you, David, it's because I'm not really seeing you. I'm really more seeing me in that situation. I'm annoyed with something that you're doing. You're distracting me from something that means something to me. You want to sit down and talk, and boy, I've really got something else I'd rather do. It really is because I've got my eyes focused on me. But a lot of times that annoyance towards our spouse can elevate to the next level.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

That's right. It goes from annoyance to anger, and anger because you feel like this person who's supposed to be loving you is hurting you.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Annoyance can turn into something different when we're annoyed with our spouse's sin. It turns into sort of this irritant in our household, this fiberglass in the bed, and we start to itch all over. We're really wondering what's wrong, and we begin to realize it's a sin that's left unaddressed. And if we don't address it, really our hearts can turn bitter, and that bitterness can turn to anger.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

The sin that they're in the middle of right now, you're you're paying the price for that. Well, that turns into apathy, and pretty soon it turns into avoidance. And today our show is focused on how you as a man can stop that cycle, how you as a man can no longer just stick your head in the sand and be in avoidance mode. How you as a man can be the lover to the woman that you married. So many of us live in a world where avoidance is our solution. We stop communication. In fact, there was a study done of a thousand British men that found it, this is in 2018, that found that 25% of men that don't even know how to cope with what's happening in their home. So where do they go? They go to the bathroom. Seven hours are being spent, according to this survey, of guys running from their family.

Jesus As A Model For Talk

Encourage Her In The Storm

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When communication begins to come to a grinding halt in our marriages, we wonder, okay, how am I supposed to talk with this person? Every single conversation is going downhill, every single conversation is a blow-up fight, so it's better just not to talk, but I really want to talk or we really need to talk, and I don't know where to start. Well, if we look at Jesus' relationship with the church, Jesus is like our bridegroom. That's what the Bible calls him, and we are his bride. So, how interesting would it be to do a study on how Jesus spoke to people in the Bible? We have four books from the New Testament that talk about him: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John that include his real conversations with people. People that maybe were all in, like they totally believed in him. They had a good relationship. Like sometimes you see that in a marriage where the husband and wife, they just talk about anything. The husband can call the wife out on her sin and vice versa. And then there's those people that Jesus encountered that really weren't all in with him. They were skeptics, and that's sometimes how our marriage can feel as well. Like my spouse maybe isn't my enemy, but they're sort of watching and waiting. When am I going to mess up or when am I going to do stuff right? So let's do this really interesting study here together today, looking at how Jesus spoke to his disciples, what methods he used to speak with them, why he spoke with them in the way that he did. Then we're going to look at how Jesus spoke to the crowds, those people that were following him. He speaks to them in such ways that we can apply these things to our marriage relationship. Okay, so let's start, David, by looking at how Jesus spoke to his disciples.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

It's interesting when we go look at uh like Mark chapter six. Jesus has been praying, he's been spending time with his father, and I think that what we're gonna find is that enabled him to respond with a passion for his disciples. Jesus' disciples are out on this boat, and later in the night, in the middle of the lake, he sees the disciples, and they are struggling because the wind's going against them and they are battling it. They're rowing for all they are worth. What does Jesus do? Well, he comes out onto the lake, he walks on water, and in that moment he gives them some very important encouragement. He says, Take courage, don't be afraid. And he even jumps into the boat with them, and immediately the winds died. And of course, they were completely amazed. But I think we learned something from being in those same kind of moments. You know the ones where there's chaos, there's fray inside your family. What is Jesus doing in this situation? Well, he's responding immediately and he's responding encouragingly. So many of us husbands want to be someone like Jesus who can literally change the storms of life. We see that our our spouse is in a time that is not calm, where she feels out of control. But just getting in the boat with her is what she really needs. If she's been shipwrecked for a while and you've been passively standing back, I want to encourage you, man, that now is the time to act, to immediately begin to speak encouragement into her life. Now she may not receive it, she may be skeptical. If you approach that with a heart to love like Jesus did, she will look at you and wonder, just like the disciples did when Jesus got into their boat.

Share Your Heart In Depth

SPEAKER_02 6:42

I think a wife is definitely going to recognize that immediacy of the response of the husband, especially if that isn't something he has been doing, if it's a little bit out of character. Yeah, the wife might be wondering, but she's going to embrace it. Another way that Jesus spoke to his disciples, David, and I think that in marriage, this is something that gets passed by. Spoke to them in depth. He didn't just talk about some, you know, surface-level stuff every once in a while, or even surface level things all the time. He talked about things that mattered. Mark 434 says that when they were alone, that's Jesus and his disciples, he expounded all things. He explained all things to his disciples. He wanted them to know his heart.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

And as men, I think it's so hard because oftentimes we either don't know what we think about something, or more importantly, we don't want our wives' feedback. And that is such a shame. Think about when the last time was that you were alone with your wife and you just shared your heart about things. Not in a way that that um defined what the future was going to be, but in a way that expressed what your desires were. Are you looking for ways to explain your heart to your wife? Because a man who displays his willingness to be known by his wife is going to automatically display his desire to know her as well. It's an open door when one person shares about themselves that they open for the other.

Ask Better Questions

SPEAKER_02 8:10

I think sometimes we get a little stuck in our conversations in our marriage. Seems like maybe we're talking about the same old thing all the time, or like, how do I even begin to share my heart with this person? It's been so long, I don't know where to start. Well, the next thing that Jesus did, I think we can take and apply to our marriage relationship, even today. Jesus spoke really thoughtfully to his disciples. Basically, he asked good questions. And let me say, guys, that as a wife, when David comes to me and asks me those questions that make me dig a little bit deeper into what I believe or what I was really feeling in that situation, I learned a lot about myself and I feel closer to David. So for example, Jesus in Matthew chapter 16 asks his disciples this tough question. Who do you say that I am? And again in John 16, do you believe? He's asking the hard questions because he wants them to dig deeper.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

So many men are aware of the fact that their wives want them to speak. And a lot of this boils down to being willing to actually ask those challenging questions. Imagine Jesus asking you today, my friend, who do you say that I am? Well, that's a question I think most of us would welcome the opportunity to talk to Jesus about. If you were to ask your wife what she believed about Jesus, and not looking for the Sunday school answer, but but really looking to apply it to her life right now. Does she see God as sovereign? You begin to walk through those attributes about who Christ is and about the strength that God brings into our lives, and pretty soon life can change. Yeah, one minute I think we can go from feeling like we have a faith to move a mountain, and the next to feeling like a spiritual weakling. And I think our wives can go through the exact same thing. It's so critical that you keep a close tab on her spiritual pulse, not just by evaluating her from a distance and sort of judging that. I'm talking about by asking good questions. The questions that express a care, the questions that express a desire to know her real heart.

Lead With Scripture And Truth

SPEAKER_02 10:14

Most women, including me, are moved toward and pressed by a husband who wants to know them, who cares enough about them to do a little bit of digging. Those thoughtful questions show that. So, guys, you probably have those days where your wife is in the bathroom and she's got tears in her eyes, or she shut herself away in the bedroom saying she can't take it anymore, or you can just read her body language that something isn't quite right. So, in our household, when David is sensitive and just sort of like keeping that pulse on me, like, how am I really doing? What I need in those moments is truth. And that is how Jesus spoke to his disciples. He spoke to them truthfully. He was always pointing them back to the scriptures, like in Luke chapter 10, verse 26. What is written, he said, in the law? How do you read it? Let's see what God's word has to say. And it's not just a good question, guys. This is spiritual leadership 101.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

It's what God has asked us to do, to disciple our wives, to teach her what God's word says and how it plays out in real life, to guide her back to the path where she finds Christ, the answer for every battle. This isn't just the kind of things we do to start good conversations. This is the stuff that we do to take our marriage down the road, down the journey in a really strong way. Because what's cool about this, guys, I think a lot of us want to solve problems, we want to have that answer, and so many times when we don't have the answer, we clam up. You see, when you use God's word as the tool to help shepherd not only you but her, you actually fade into the background. So does your wife. God's word stands as the measuring stick, not some self-made standard, because what you don't want her to see is just your opinion, something that is hard and fast in your thought process. No, what you want her to see is the red words that are on the pages of the Bible, not the black and white that you would paint your own picture with. When you take yourself and your judgments out of the equation, now you are really leading her. Now you're really loving her toward godly change. And there's so much hope in that for both of you.

Partnership And Real Talk

SPEAKER_02 12:35

All right, David, let's look at two more ways that Jesus spoke to his disciples, those people who were in his inner team. He spoke to them in this partnership way. He invites them to be part of what he's doing. I think a lot of times in marriage, we tend to sort of do our own thing, and that leads to isolation. But I love how Jesus, no matter how weary he was, and the Bible says he was tired, despite the disciples' lack of compliance and even understanding. They've been with him all these years and they still didn't really get it. He sees past all that. He sees past what he would be tempted with, things like annoyance and frustration with them, and he sees to what their hearts really, really need. He says, Come on along with me. Let's do this thing together.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

So the disciples need to be next to Jesus, really invited into a story so it becomes part of their own. Now think about this in your own life. Where is it that you need to invite your wife into the moment to participate in something with you? Yeah, I think so often us guys we're into something, and our wife is into something else. And sadly, we let that divide remain. And the example that Jesus shows us here is that life is a partnership. The people that are around us should be invited into what we're doing. It may not always be their cup of tea, and you may need to do the same thing. Go jump into what she's interested. Do things together to show that this is in fact a partnership, that we are better together, even if it is something that maybe isn't totally my cup of tea to begin with.

Compassion When You’re Empty

SPEAKER_02 14:13

And the last way we're going to talk about how Jesus spoke to his disciples, he really spoke to them realistically. He didn't sugarcoat things, he told it like it was, so that they could be on mission together, like we just talked about. If you look at Matthew 9, this is a great example of that. Jesus said to his disciples, here's the reality of the kingdom of God. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. I don't think we should be afraid in our marriages to speak the truth, to be realistic with one another, to be authentic about what we really need. I think no matter where you're at in your marriage, you can speak to your wife like we just talked about. But sometimes there is a little bit more estrangement between the two of you. Maybe you really are feeling like you're on opposite teams right now, or maybe you feel like you're being judged by your spouse right now. So how do you talk with a person like that? Well, we're gonna look at that right now. How Jesus spoke to the crowds.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

It's such a great study because what we learn from Jesus is exactly what we need to do. Jesus wasn't someone who was wrapped up in being defensive. He wasn't someone who was overcome with resentfulness. A lot of the things that defined how he spoke to people that were skeptics are the very same tools that we can use to approach a wife who maybe is skeptical of us as a leader.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

One of my favorite ways that Jesus speaks to the crowds is in Mark chapter six. Jesus was in need of rest. He had been followed by large crowds of people. As we read through the gospels, we see this a lot. And he felt the need to draw away with his disciples for this time of rest. But when they came to a quiet place of rest, this large crowd was there again. They were waiting for Jesus, and they had lots and lots of needs. But here's how he talked with them. He spoke with them compassionately.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

And that's the same way that it should be for us as men. Compassionately loving on our wives and even our children. Because let's face it, we've sometimes had those hard days at work, and sometimes our wives even know it has been this way. That was last night in our house, Tracy, right? So often what we're really focused on is us, and we ignore that there is still a gap for our family. There's still something that's lacking in our wife. And you know, I know how tempting it is to think to myself, oh man, I need a break. A little YouTube time, maybe a a jog, a little quiet time with our earbuds, listening to whatever we want to listen to, but that's not the example that Jesus gives us. In Mark 6, verse 34, it says Jesus saw this huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began to teach many things. And again, we find in Matthew 9 36, when he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were harassed and helpless. How powerful is it when you see your spouse as a sinner, just like you are, just like me, who every day has been harassed by the enemy. They're helpless against his attacks without proper armor, without the word of God. And you you're the biggest ally they've got. The biggest asset that we have in our daily fight against lies and sin is our spouse. So where is your spouse compromised? Where has she been harassed and feeling helpless? Where is she in need of compassion? It's most likely not an area that you look and and go, Oh, oh, sure, I can help in that. It's probably that area that is the most ugly part of their life that needs compassion. That most glaring sin where they need the most protection. But you've got to get in among the muck and the mire to do the work. Take compassion and courage and approach just like Jesus did. He saw the need. He was willing to actually go look at it rather than put his head in the sand and run away to get his rest. Jesus saw them. He taught them, he gave them what they needed. And you might be saying, Okay, hold on, David. Jesus was God. He's got unlimited resources. How could I love this woman when I'm empty? I'm tired. I've had a day that has sucked it out of me.

Challenge And Wholehearted Sacrifice

SPEAKER_02 18:12

And maybe it's actually her that sucked out your last resource. But the thing is, you don't have to have it in you, so to speak. Jesus spoke actually out of his father's resources. That's what it says in John 7.16. He says, My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. John 14, 10, the words I say to you, I don't speak on my own. Instead, it is the Father dwelling in me. You and I have that same promise that we don't have to come up with this out of the blue, on the fly. We've got God's word. He's given us the resources that we need. So the last two ways we're going to talk about today on Vows to Keep Radio, how Jesus spoke to people. He speaks to them challengingly. Can I use that word provokingly? He challenges them out of their routines and their habits. Why does he do this? He wants more for them. If you look at the Sermon on the Mount, he's speaking to lots and lots of non-believers and he knows what they've been taught. He sees, however, the error of those beliefs, and he's willing to take some censure, some criticism, even to challenge them in their beliefs.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

This is where so many husbands struggle. Because I think we see that Jesus knows that these people have such greater potential. He's looking at their future and he sees how God has gifted them. He sees where they're stagnant, and he cares enough to say something about it, to share truth about it. So how about you? How is your spouse gifted? Where are you helping her to see what that is? Where are you loving her in a way that would challenge her to get off of those dead center issues? Where does your wife need to be challenged? What we see is that Jesus provides an example to you and I to be challenged for someone else's good. It's not about whether they're going to follow your leadership. It's that will you love someone enough to see them through something that they can't right now see.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

And this last way that Jesus spoke to the crowds, he speaks to them wholeheartedly. I love that Jesus does not hold any of himself back, even though he knows that most of these people that are listening are going to actually reject him. They are going to do something even harmful to him. Some will even torture him and kill him, send him to the cross.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

So often we're not willing to take that kind of heat as a husband. We're counting the cost. We're saying, you know what? The lash back is going to be too great. I'm not going to do it. There's no point. But I want to encourage you, Jesus knew the cost. He knew that death on the cross and the worst kind of death you can imagine was exactly what was going to be coming to him. And what did he do? He took the punishment that you and I deserved. Second Corinthians 8 9 says, For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for our sakes he became poor, so that you, through his poverty, might become rich. That's the kind of love we're talking about. That's the kind of sacrifice that I'm asking you as husbands to take on. It's an amazing example of how we are to love our wives, how we are to speak to them with wholeheartedness.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

We see that truth echoed again in Matthew 20, 28. The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. So I wonder what riches you have that God has given you that you could use to ransom your wife from the futile ways in which she is living. Because we all are living in a feudal way in some way or another.

Final Charge And Ministry Support

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In our marriage, Tracy grew up in a home that struggled with legalism and performance. And I feel very blessed to understand God's grace for me and for her in such a way that I don't struggle with it. But I've seen and heard her, and it's something I constantly keep a pulse on. And I can choose to speak with her compassionately about this, sharing the truth that she needs, or I could withhold it. Because sometimes It's a difficult topic to think, oh man, again, we're going to talk about this again. But this is what God has challenged us with. All of us as men, we recognize some struggle in our spouse, and God is asking you to offer yourself all of the resources that God has given to wholeheartedly dig into that. To love her in a way that would recognize that you've got enough, not only the truth from God's Word, but the very Holy Spirit living inside you, if you've accepted him as Savior, that you can go after her. As we wrap up here today, I want to ask you guys this. Where do you need to offer yourself to your wife wholeheartedly? Where might it be that you're expecting a sting, a little backbite, if you get too close? But what if you're willing to let Christ provide for you? What if you're willing to to rather than count the cost, you're willing to actually pay the cost to get close enough to her? What if you're willing to love them enough to tell them the truth, but with grace? What if you no longer fought for things to be fair but let out with the toughest stuff? What if you were willing to protect her from being in constant mommy mode by stepping up as a dad? What if you took on spiritual leadership in a way that meant that you were there for the small incremental conversations in your home? Not just the big ups and downs, not just the explosions. Because I think that so many of us husbands, we're problem solvers. But someone who's a spiritual leader has got to be aware of how to point someone appropriately to go to work, to provide accountability in the toughest times, to be someone who effectively follows Christ. Men, what you are called to as husbands is a higher calling. You are called to disciple. You see, everything we read about Jesus here, it shows his heart for his people. He loved them, yes, but he saw his role in their life first and foremost. Do you see your role in your wife's life? Not what she wants it to be, not even what you want it to be. You see how God has defined it to be. You were called to lead her into a greater walk with him by doing so together. Men, mentor your wife toward God. And if you don't know her heart or where it stands today, stop trying to answer every problem. Start taking her to the only one that can.

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Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsTokeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.