Stop Tuning Out And Start Hearing Your Spouse

A husband goes to the ear doctor convinced he can’t hear his wife. The test comes back perfect, and the doctor delivers the line that stings because it’s true: it’s not your ears, it’s your heart. That story opens a deeper conversation we all need, especially if your marriage has settled into side-by-side living where the TV is loud, the phones are glowing, and real connection keeps getting postponed.

We talk straight to husbands about why listening is not a soft skill but a core way you love your wife. When she feels understood, intimacy grows. When she feels ignored, the marriage starts to lose friendship, fun, unity, and spiritual momentum. We also get honest about why men pull back, including bitterness, unforgiveness, fear of conflict, “peace at any cost,” and pride that refuses to admit change is needed. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same argument like you’re driving forever with no destination, you’re not alone.

Then we map the slide many couples experience: annoyance that turns a need into an interruption, anger that hardens the heart, apathy that says “I don’t care,” and avoidance that quietly threatens the future. We connect that pattern to biblical marriage principles, practical communication habits, and the spiritual work of repentance and forgiveness. We also point to prayer as a way to stop reacting and start leading with clarity, courage, and compassion.

If you want stronger Christian marriage communication, deeper emotional intimacy, and a home marked by grace and truth, listen and take one next step this week. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review so more couples can find biblical help for their marriage.

Transcript

Welcome And Mission

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_04 0:26

It's great to be with you again on Vows to Keep Radio. We are David and Tracy Sellers, and we, like you, made Vows to Keep.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

So to kick off this broadcast today, I've got a funny story for you. Maybe you can relate with.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

I like funny stories.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

So I know this couple personally, and they have been having some, let's call them communication problems, right? Every evening, this husband and wife, they like to sit down together. The TV gets turned on, you know, they're in their comfy chairs, David. And the wife, she's most likely got a magazine or something in front of her, maybe her iPad, and the husband is watching the news program. He likes to watch fishing programs, and the TV is just right there. It's just their relaxation time. But like us, David, when we start to relax, uh that's when things come to my mind. That's when things that I've been wanting to talk with you about today come up in my mind. I'm like, oh, this is the perfect opportunity.

SPEAKER_04 1:19

Right. We got nothing else going on.

The Hearing Test Wake Up Call

SPEAKER_01 1:20

To share my heart with you or to share the funny thing that happened with the grandkids today, or whatever. This is the time I want to talk with you about life.

SPEAKER_04 1:27

Wait a second. You just said something funny. We don't have grandkids yet.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Sorry. Well, this couple that I'm talking about has grandkids.

SPEAKER_04 1:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

So this wife feels exactly the way I feel. When it's time to relax, that's the time to talk. So over the last several years, she told me that she's been having a harder and harder time getting her husband to listen to her. So she began by just trying to get his attention while the TV was on. She'd say, Hey, listen to me about this. And he at the end of the conversation wouldn't have any idea what she said. Like, absolutely clueless. So she thought, I know, I will mute the TV. And that way he can hear me. She tried that for several months. It did not work. She realized I literally have to turn off the TV and talk. You know what, David? That didn't work. So she thought, if I turn off the TV and I get him to look me in the eye, certainly this man will hear what I have to say. It did not work.

SPEAKER_04 2:25

It didn't work. Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

So she I know where this is going.

SPEAKER_04 2:29

He's this guy's headed to the ear doctor, isn't he?

SPEAKER_01 2:31

That is exactly what happened. He cannot hear me. So problem solved. They get in the car, they drive to the doctor's office, and he gets the hearing test. And she's so grateful. We had this conversation on the phone the other day. She was so grateful because she's like, Finally, I'll be able to say exactly what I want to say. He'll be able to hear me. He's missing out on so many things. That's what she said. He's missing out. So they go to the doctor, gets his hearing tested. And I wish that I could get like a poll right now. How many people listening think that he has a need for hearing aids? Because guess what, folks? His hearing is perfectly fine. Absolutely. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever. So here's the funny part. I think this is the You mean it gets better. I think this is the funniest part of the whole story. The ear doctor sits down, these two people who have been married for a very long time, and basically proceeds to give them some marriage counseling. He says, It's not your ears, it's your heart. Be engaged. Look her in the eye. Make sure you listen. Repeat back what you heard so that she knows that she was understood.

SPEAKER_04 3:43

Sounds like a typical husband who just doesn't want to talk.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

And we don't want to say that this is all husbands across the board. We know many, many men who make it an effort. They're the ones that are taking the initiative to listen well.

SPEAKER_04 4:00

That's a great challenge, Tracy. So, guys, pull back the lens on your marriage. How are you doing at being a listener? Because that directly relates to how you're doing at being a lover.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

And we don't just mean in the bedroom, because when there isn't listening and understanding between the two of you, there's a lot of other marital effects that you're going to see played out in your marriage, like no friendship, no fun, and then no intimacy, no unity.

SPEAKER_03 4:29

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

When you are not engaged with your wife, there's not going to be marital growth. You're not going to be able to spiritually lead her. So there's not going to be spiritual growth within your marriage. And there's not going to be measurable outward growth towards others. Because as a couple, we're not willing to invest in one another. Then we've got no business investing in people outside of our home.

SPEAKER_04 4:50

Today's show is titled How to Stop Burying Your Head in the Sand and Love Your Woman Like You Want To.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Because I bet, guys, you've got a way that deep down in your heart that you still want to love her, and we're going to help you to do that. Yes, this is a show about listening, but this is this is also a show about speaking, to love your woman like you want to once again. So, yes, we are talking to husbands today, but if there are any wives listening, and I know there are some, as wives, one of the things we most want from our husbands is for them to listen to us. We have something to say. We seem to never run out of things to say. Sorry about that, David. And with our husbands, being the closest person to us in our lives, right? We spend the most time with them. We see them the most. We want to be known by them. And in order to be known and understood, we want to be listened to. Let me tell you guys, there are so many times when I'm kind of rattling off with my words. I've got a purpose to them, but sometimes they just need to come out. I'm talking to David, trying to explain how I feel. And I start to get frustrated because I can't express myself. There's a point I'm trying to get across. It's just not working. And then David, he speaks these two little words to me. Two words. And magically I calm down. Magically, I stop talking. Now that's not his goal. He's not trying to get me to shut up.

SPEAKER_03 6:11

But it's not that- Those aren't the two words, shut up then.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

No, shut up are not the two words.

SPEAKER_03 6:15

We don't use those words in our house.

Listening Connects To Loving

SPEAKER_01 6:17

No, we don't. So it's not that my words just go down in number. I'm talking about I literally stop talking. So do you want to know what those two little words he says are? Tracy, I understand. As soon as I know I am understood by him, I feel listened to and I feel loved. So why, David, does a husband not want to talk to his wife? Even just saying those two little words, why is that?

SPEAKER_04 6:44

That's such a great question. And a topic that we are grateful to be able to uh come beside you and talk through today. You know, many men feel such a deep anger toward their wife over something that to be close to them actually feels like something that they do not want. There's a bitterness there. Maybe there's an unforgiveness there. And both of those things cause husbands to literally retract. Other options that are pretty common is a lot of times that a husband needs to say something that their wife does not necessarily like. Maybe he needs to call her out on something that she's doing that's wrong.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Wow, that really would take a lot of courage. I know when I've had to come to you with something, sometimes it takes me a couple days to work up that bravery to come to you. It is hard to call someone out in their sin, but it's definitely needed, right?

SPEAKER_04 7:35

Absolutely. So many guys are afraid of what I would call like backlash, that literally they take the approach of peace at any cost, and they're only looking at the immediate, they're only looking at the payoff for peace right now, and they totally lose focus on the long-term gain for their spouse and their marriage when they become an advocate for their spouse's restoration to God and to each other.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

I can speak from a wife's point of view. When you've come to me, David, and said, Tracy, I see this in your life, I see this glaring thing, I want to talk to you about it. You've been bold enough and godly enough to say that to me. It's not easily received. It takes a lot of humility to receive something, and I'm not always there. I'm not always right there in the moment. But later on, I'm so glad you said something. It might take me a little while to process it, but I'm glad that that doesn't stop you from talking about it.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

Well, and equally so, I think there's a lot of husbands who literally recognize that they don't want to talk because they don't want to make changes in themselves.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

Ooh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:36

It's a pride thing, right? We buy the lie that maybe if we're inconsistent with what we're saying, in other words, acknowledging that we've made a mistake, that's like a greater sign of weakness to our wives than just maintaining that status quo. Even if the thing that is glaring in our face is something that we know is a sin. The lie is that we're basically trying to avoid being a hypocrite, and it's the very thing that turns us into one. We're afraid to make a change, we're afraid to fail, and pride will never let us admit that we actually need the change.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

So, kind of on the same lines of why would a husband avoid talking to his wife? And I mean, really talking. So here's another question, David. What are the holdups to unity from your perspective?

SPEAKER_04 9:26

I have to say that certainly a wife that is angry, someone who rejects that input into her life is definitely a roadblock for any husband. Maybe a wife that's complaining that you're not engaged, in other words, you're not measuring up to her standards. Now, a lot of times that's actually a true statement. But there's many times where her standards are actually far beyond God's standards.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Another thing, David, that holds up to unity is a lot of times we're just not agreeing, especially on a major topic in our life, like finances or parenting or getting a dog, for example. Like, I really want a dog. David's like, no, it's a firm no, it's not a soft no. I'm like, could you at least give me like a soft no? Like, how about like a sort of maybe? Maybe when the kids are gone. I don't know. Give me some hope here. It's a hold up to unity, people.

SPEAKER_04 10:19

Uh or maybe it's a wife who who doesn't want to submit to your leadership. Oh, that didn't come out very skip that one.

SPEAKER_03 10:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Sometimes it can be a wife who just doesn't want to be intimate in the bedroom, and she's actually using it as a tool to control, talk about a hold up to unity.

SPEAKER_04 10:40

We all know, as guys, what it is that is holding us back. But most of the time, they're literally excuses. So what's your excuse? Where is it that you've convinced yourself that you're not going to go around this mountain, this topic, this issue again with your wife? Because to listen, to talk, to be united on this is almost like getting in a car together and driving cross country with no hope really of a destination in mind. Because you can't get out of the car. You're committed to the journey, right? You're married to this woman. This is where mediocrity starts to become acceptable to us. We don't see those inevitable things that the lack of communication is going to bring. We don't see the fact that we're sticking our head in the sand, we're failing to love our wife, we're failing to lead our wife. All we can see is that we're going around the same mountain again and again, and we don't think we have any power to change it. But you know what that does? I mean, it leaves us in a state of annoyance. It leaves us in a state of anger, apathy, and avoidance. And you can handpick which one of these things most applies to you and your wife right now, and maybe you should. Take a second. Is it annoyance you generally feel toward her? Is it anger, apathy, or flat out avoidance? It's worth noting, these things escalate. We start out at one end of the spectrum and we work our way across to the other until you get to that point where you feel like you have no other options. You're the guy who is completely avoiding what your wife is saying. This journey suddenly becomes no longer possible. So our goal today is to look at human nature with an eye on how Satan leverages the tools. We're gonna start by talking about annoyance, Tracy. When someone's need turns into an unwanted distraction, even an exasperation for you.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

There's those times where you're in a room with somebody, you're on the phone with somebody, and you stop seeing the person, and I've got other things to do, or maybe just what you're saying is not what I want to hear, and I begin to resent you. You've probably seen it with a kiddo in your life, right? They're regaling you with the details of the new video game that they just got to such a degree that you are going glassy-eyed as they speak. Now, you care about this person, you don't care so much about the video game. Annoying, especially if you're trying to get something done and they just kind of keep interrupting you. But the point here is to see what is their real need. The real need of that kid is to spend time with you. They just want to know that you're interested in what is interesting to them. They want to know that you're gonna be there for them, to have a friend, to share in what they think is fun.

SPEAKER_04 13:25

I think most guys experience annoyance when they feel like their wife is coming to them with a problem that they cannot personally solve. Now, a lot of times it's not some need that is quickly met. Like they they literally feel like that there is no hope for them to solve this problem, and their wife tells it to them a third or fourth time, and it's like a grinding of a gears because us guys are natural problem solvers.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

So, what you're saying, David, is if you feel helpless to solve a problem that I'm dealing with, you begin to feel annoyed when I bring it up again.

SPEAKER_04 14:00

That's exactly right.

The Slide Toward Avoidance

SPEAKER_01 14:01

And women, I think, are especially prone to repeating themselves. If they don't feel heard, or if they don't feel understood, or if they don't feel like there's a solution out there, they tend to want to talk about it again. It's not that they're saying the exact same thing, but it's something that's still on their heart. David, I remember a couple of years ago, a few years ago, our kids were in school and we were just going back and forth on should we homeschool our kids? Do you remember this? I'm sure that you do because we had hundred conversations about this topic. It was something that as a mom, I really wrestled with. We had done a little bit of public school, we had done a little bit of private school, we'd done a little bit of homeschool. And here it was time again to make a decision. What are we gonna do this fall? And I was just torn up inside about it because I was afraid to make the wrong decision. So I'd say, Hey, do you want to go on a walk? Well, I really had an ulterior motive. I was like, I need to talk about this with you. I need to get away from the kids, and you were so patient with me. But I'm sure at some point during that you had to be annoyed with me, like, she's bringing it up again. No, here it is.

SPEAKER_04 15:12

Well, we're gonna talk more about this later in the broadcast. I'll give you guys the tool I use, and it's a tool I think that honors God, and you'd find it in God's word about what to do. But in one word, I'm gonna tell you it's prayer. There's so many things that we have to communicate about in a marriage, and you know what? There's a lot of them that drive annoyance just because it's not a need that has a quick solution. For example, how many times have you experienced a situation where you could see a problem in your spouse's life, a sin really, and you didn't realize that God had actually equipped you not only to meet the need, but to just open your eyes to their condition.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Let's give just a real practical example, David, because we all have TVs in our lives. Now, in our household, the TV is actually in the basement, so it's not on very often. It was in our loft for many years. It's not something that we turn on all the time, but there are things like phones and iPads and tablets, and TV is just very easily accessible, even if it's not a giant big screen in your living room. The point I'm trying to make here is there's a lot of opportunity for people, husbands and wives and kids and everybody, to be absorbing things from TV that are not godly. In fact, sometimes it could even turn into a sin what we're watching, because God says, set no vile thing before your eyes, right? And here I am watching this thing, and God's word is true and it proves true every time, David, where what we put into our hearts is going to come out in our lives.

SPEAKER_04 16:48

So building on what you've said, Tracy, you know, there's times where there's tones that become part of our everyday walk in our home. And I've met a lot of husbands who've said, you know, I don't really understand why at some point she started just like being more snippy and more disrespectful. Or at some point my kids started to take on a tone or an attitude, and then it dawns on us that what is going into them is coming out of them. And pretty soon we have to transition from the annoyance that we feel to the responsibility that we have. A sin that's left unaddressed in our spouse's life or in our kids' life. Well, it becomes this thing that we can't always pinpoint right away. We know it's something's out of whack. We've got to move from just being uncomfortable to recognizing that God has asked us to work in the hearts and use our hands in other people's lives. Together as a couple, it's our responsibility to become holy and blameless in his sight, right? He wants to make us like his son, Jesus Christ. We've got to shift past just being annoyed to realize that we are part of that equation in our spouse's life. Sometimes we don't always recognize that it's a sin that has to be eradicated. We might just simply feel that annoyance in our heart, almost treasure it, and next thing you know, our heart has become hard. Our spouse's heart becomes hard at the same time. Husbands, when you can shift from being focused on your annoyance to recognizing that you have an opportunity to address the hardness that's going to come in your heart before it happens simply by checking in with your spouse, being willing to call sin sin.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

David, what I think I hear you saying is sin left unchecked, undealt with starts to take its toll. We don't even realize sometimes what it is, but it begins to divide. Sin hurts. It causes this really ugly thing between us, and it can be annoying. So in either case, whether we fail to see the real need of the other person who's annoying us, or we leave that sin unchecked and it grows, annoyance can turn to bitterness. And bitterness so easily turns to anger. And that's that next level that David was talking about earlier. It can start at annoyance, quickly goes to anger, apathy, and then finally avoidance. Maybe anger today is going to be the one that you can most relate with.

Forgiveness Prayer And Real Hope

SPEAKER_04 19:11

So many guys fail to see that the anger that they feel toward their spouse is actually hurting them as much as it's hurting their spouse. Now maybe you're angry at your spouse for hurting you. Maybe you're angry because she merely treats you like a paycheck. Maybe you're angry at the lack of engagement or respect that they show you. Maybe you're angry at the lack of abundance of intimacy, the lack of abundance of physical intimacy in your marriage. Maybe you're angry because her sin has finally begun to take shape in a way you can't deny its effects in your life. If the antidote to annoyance is seeing the actual underlying need of that person and being willing to address it, the antidote to anger is forgiveness. Mark 11, 25 reminds us that when we're praying, we must first forgive anyone who we hold a grudge against, so that our Father in heaven will forgive our sins as well. It's a hard truth. What we don't realize is that a heart that has just had enough and we no longer want to hear our spouse is one that has allowed the first bit of hardening to occur. And you quickly go down a slippery slope from anger to apathy.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

And apathy is just that feeling of I don't care anymore. Or maybe that's just the message that you're sending to yourself. When something happens within your home, you don't want to deal with it anymore, you're so angry, now you're just telling yourself, I don't care, and you begin to slowly remove yourself from marriage and family situations. And it is just as destructive, if not more so dangerous than anger because it shuts off the flow of emotion that God has given you. And you're convinced over time that it just doesn't matter anymore.

SPEAKER_04 21:08

Yeah, us guys, we close off our hearts. We stop speaking unless it's like the most minimalist thing a yes or a no, a peck on the cheek or whatever it is, but it's not, it's not affection and it's not real communication. We're literally minimized just talking about the weather, like the kids, our schedules, what we're having for dinner.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

And as wives, we notice that, but we're not sure what's happening. We might see the symptoms, but we're not sure if it's maybe you're overwhelmed at work or maybe you're frustrated with one of the kids, or is it something I did? We begin to question, and a lot of doubts can creep in in this stage.

SPEAKER_04 21:44

And I don't think we even know how to change it. We don't know how to turn back on that faucet of affection and literally pour back into this woman again.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

And it probably goes back to the last topic about this about anger. If that forgiveness hasn't happened, David, then we're not. Going to want to talk to our spouse to pour into them. We're just going to give a grunt response and move on.

SPEAKER_04 22:06

Yeah. We it becomes easier to literally to leave the room just to avoid needing to deal with the things that are happening in their home.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Earlier in this broadcast, David, you had mentioned how a lot of times that peace at any cost, it feels like it's going to pay off because in the moment we're not ruffling the waters. But this is when we realize that that's not true anymore. But yet we're still telling ourselves that lie. If I don't touch it, then I can't get burned. But I think where we're heading with this is apathy can turn into avoidance, and that's almost like the final stage before divorce, before we just end this thing.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

So if you're saying to yourself right now, whoa, okay, we're kind of in that mode right now. Or we're in some stage along the way. Where's the hope, Tracy?

SPEAKER_01 22:56

And I'm so excited to answer that question because that's actually the answer, is where God first pointed my heart when I was starting to process this broadcast and put this, put these things down in words. We are going to talk with you about how to get off the slippery slide, stop going around the same old mountain, how to get your head out of the sand and love your woman like you want to, and how you were created to do so.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

What better way than to study Jesus Christ? What if we as men could see a higher calling, a greater purpose for discipleship within our marriage?

SPEAKER_01 23:33

And that's exactly what we're going to do on next week's broadcast, right here at Vows2Keep Radio.

Support The Marriage Ministry

SPEAKER_04 23:39

What we're going to read about Jesus shows his heart for his people. Next week, we're going to talk about your role in your wife's life. Not what she wants it to be, not even what you want it to be. How has God shown us what it should look like?

SPEAKER_01 23:59

Your marriage can get back to unity and intimacy. Your marriage can get back to friendship and fun. Your marriage can get back to spiritual growth, marital growth, and even ministering to others.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit VowsToKeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.