Are You Chasing Fruit While Neglecting Roots

A perfect date can be the loudest reminder that something deeper is off. We start with a story about a husband who tries to reconnect through a big romantic plan, only to discover that what both spouses really want is honesty, forgiveness, and a heart-level bond that can’t be purchased or scheduled.

We talk about Christian marriage and biblical marriage advice through the picture Jesus gives in Luke 6: the fruit always reveals the tree. If the roots of your relationship are dry, even the best restaurant or most expensive surprise can feel empty. That’s why we draw a hard line: dating will not fix a marriage in jeopardy. Real change starts with Jesus Christ, a transformed heart, and learning to treat your spouse with grace, respect, and steady love. If things are unhealthy, we also encourage getting help from a pastor or counselor for prayer and direction.

From that healthy foundation, we share practical marriage tips for romance that actually work: the energize and deflate two-column list, small surprises that speak directly to your spouse’s needs, intentional date planning, and a fun tool David calls Love Note Strips to spark better conversation and anticipation. We also walk through the Five Love Languages so your acts of love land the way your spouse receives them, plus ideas for birthdays, anniversaries, and “pulse checks” that keep you from drifting.

If this helps you, subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave a review. Then come tell us your best tip on Facebook.com slash Vows2Keep.

Transcript

Welcome And A Romance Cautionary Tale

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

We have really been looking forward to today's broadcast. Just talking about today's topic between the two of us has inspired me as a husband to want to romance my wife. We're gonna have a fun show today, but we're gonna start with a bit of a sad tale of marital romance gone wrong.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Picture the scene with me, if you will. Years ago, a husband told his wife that he was afraid of heights. Over the years of their marriage, this proved to be true. The wife, however, felt just the opposite. She had always dreamed of skydiving and even had looked into it when a friend of hers had gone. Years passed and she all but forgot about the dream, because life took over and so did the stress. Three kids, two jobs, and a house payment were only just the tip of what was really overwhelming her. She felt that she and her husband weren't connecting anymore, at least not like they had in the past. There were things between them that went unresolved for many months. They weren't really connecting at a heart level. Maybe they were just going through the motions. They didn't have a terrible marriage, but it was far from one that reflected the unity and oneness and passion that they both wanted. Then her birthday approached, and the husband thought, I know a way to connect with her. I'll take her skydiving. I'll really satisfy one of those long-held dreams of hers. I'll show her how much I love her by overcoming my fear and jumping out of a plane. Nothing shows true love like that. Maybe you can guess what happened on that fateful day. No, it wasn't a parachute malfunction or even his fear of heights that eventually caused his best laid plans to fail. It was the fact that she saw the skydiving day as the band-aid on their marriage that it was. Yes, it'd be fun to jump out of a plane, but really she wanted him. She wanted his heart. She wanted that look in his eyes that told her he loved her no matter what. And to be honest, that's really what he was after as well. She wanted to get the yuck out in the open and to reconcile in those areas of their relationship that needed it. And to be honest, so did he. They never did go skydiving that day, but that's okay, because the day became about a new purpose instead. They ended up talking. They forgave. They asked for forgiveness. They kissed. They were one.

Actions Cannot Heal Heart Problems

SPEAKER_02 2:34

Whether it's skydiving or going out to a romantic restaurant, picnicking, taking a walk on the beach, whatever the date, whatever the idea, in and of themselves, those things will never fix a marriage. Now, categorically, we have decided not to do a show that included a bunch of tips and tricks, you know, the fun and the passionate things that can be the cherry on top for a couple because it's been our long-held belief that a successful marriage does not start with just outward actions. It starts with an inward heart condition. Now, keeping that belief in mind, we have seen many couples that are actually in a very healthy condition in their marriage. They have a firm foundation, they consistently keep a pulse on their marriage, yet they could use some guidance on how to best execute their love. Now we don't have it all figured out, but through our own experience and from garnering other couples' tips and tricks along the way, we thought we might take today to share with you how to put the cherry on top, so to speak. How to woo your woman, how to get your man's attention, how to romance the pants off each other.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

But first, before we get to the fun stuff, here is a big bold disclaimer we don't want you to miss. If your marriage is in jeopardy, none of what we share today is likely to make anything but a temporary change in your relationship. If that's where your marriage is at, don't turn off your radio just yet because there is hope and there is a great place to start. If your marriage is in jeopardy, start by reading what God's word says about Jesus, what he did for you on the cross, how his Holy Spirit wants to change your heart to look more like your Heavenly Father. Then, in light of all you've learned about your God, read his word and follow what it says about how to treat people, and that includes your spouse, how to talk to them, read about forgiveness, trust, friendship, sacrifice. If your marriage is unhealthy, we would also advise you to meet with someone, like a pastor or a vows-to-keep counselor for prayer and for some direction on where to go from here.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

In Luke chapter 6, Jesus tells us this parable, which is to teach us about our own hearts. He says in verse 43, a good tree cannot produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can't produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thorn bushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. Now I think we can easily relate this to marriage as well. The state of our marriage will be displayed in the outcome of its fruit. We all want the good things that we thought we were going to get when we got married. You know, intimacy, passion, romance, unconditional love, and I could go on. We want to enjoy the passionate date nights, the long-standing, deep-throated kisses, the image that our media tries to present of what success in marriage looks like. And then we wonder how it is that we can go to a fancy restaurant dressed up in our best clothes and sit there in complete silence. The problem is that we want the fruit to pop out everywhere without taking care of the tree. We haven't watered that tree in a long time. It has disease at its roots. It's surrounded by weeds, and they've sucked up all the nutrients.

The Energize And Deflate Lists

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Then what ends up happening is we blame our spouse for a lack of good fruit in our relationship when really we don't understand that it all begins with our hearts first. If our heart condition is right, that tree is going to begin to get the nutrients that it needs to eventually offer the sweet fruits that we crave. Let it be said again that dating will not fix a marriage. But dating, like the really fun kind of dating, can be a delicious fruit that you will be able to harvest. Yes, I'm thinking cherries here. If your heart is right before the Lord and right before your spouse, and you know that you need to put feet to your love, your passion, your commitment, then we are excited to share some tips and tricks with you today.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

Our very first one might not actually even seem like a trick, it's maybe more of a tip. For this one, fellas, you have to think deeper than just calling the babysitter or making dinner reservations. I mean, those are important places to start. But if you do this one thing, you'll have great insight to draw from for all of the rest of what we're going to talk about today. So here it is. Start by telling your spouse that you love them just as they are, that they're accepted, that she is treasured. Remind them that you have their best interest at heart. Tell her that even after all these years, you want to get to know her better. And what you're doing is you're priming the pump for the question you want to ask. And that question is to ask her to make you a list. Now this list will have two columns. The first column you want to ask her to write down the things that energize her. In this category, she's gonna list out the things that she looks forward to. You know, things like her hobbies, things she dreams about, things she hopes for, things that speak to her heart's interest. Trust me, her answers will be like gold to you for a very long time. Then ask her to put in the second column the things in her life or in her heart that deflate her. What really sucks the life out of her? What's frustrating? What causes her to want to go back to bed in the morning or just to stick her head in the sand? Well, if column one is like gold, this will be a close runner-up. You might be thinking to yourself, well, that's kind of a strange thing for me to ask my spouse to do. But in actuality, just making this list will energize your spouse. They're gonna feel love because they're gonna feel like you really care, that you truly want to see them and know them even better than you do right now.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

And bonus, after she makes this list for you, she's most likely gonna ask you to reciprocate. She's going to want to know the same things about you, and these lists then become an invaluable resource for you.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

I asked Tracy about nine years ago to make that energizing list for me, and she wrote down things like horseback riding or writing books, reading in the bathtub, singing, sharing her faith. Something as simple as just having a clean kitchen. Well, it hung on the refrigerator in our kitchen for a long time, and any time that I thought to myself, you know what, I need to go love on the girl. I needed some inspiration, and this is where I would go. Hanging right there, I could see it. If I saw she had a hard day with the little ones at home or the living room was in shambles, I used the brain that God gave me. I sent the girl to the bathtub and I had the place picked up when she got out. Having that list in a handy place where I would sometimes even accidentally run across it now and then was a cue for me to do something special for her. It allowed me to assess have I been faithful and intentional towards her needs. A few years later, when I asked Tracy to make another one, the second time I added the second column of deflating, knowing what empties her love cup is just as important as knowing what fills it. She wrote things down like disciplining the kids in what she felt was an ineffective way, living in the wintry tundra climate of South Dakota, having too many things to do on her to-do list without a sense of priority, not being connected as a couple. For a guy who wants to love on his girl, I'm telling you, this is pure gold. Knowing the first column of what energized her allowed me to be very reactive in my love. Knowing the second column of what deflated her allowed me to be proactive in my love. Keeping those things at bay for her was key. And this is key because in so many cases, there is no other person who has the kind of capabilities to monitor and impact her life like you do. This means carrying her burdens. It means taking on your role as a spiritual leader in the house. And when it comes to your wife and to your kids, have those conversations, talk with her about what needs to be our priorities and goals as a family. You've got to be proactive, you've got to be intentional to see the cherries on top of life, which could otherwise just be ho-hum.

Small Surprises That Add Spark

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Now, ladies, this applies as much to you and I as it does to our husbands. I hope now you very well could be the one to ask your spouse first to make that list for you. And I hope now you've got this in the back of your mind. You've got a plan going when you're gonna ask your spouse to make their energizing and deflating list for you. Ask them at the first opportunity and then hang it in a prominent spot in your home and be inspired. And when you've got your list in hand, you're gonna be ready for the first four categories we're gonna be talking about today. They're small surprises, big surprises, dates, and special occasions. So let's start with small surprises.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

This is all about understanding what your spouse likes and then just making it happen for them. A friend of mine and her husband were struggling a bit financially, and we all know that that can cause some tension in the home that can disrupt the normalcy of your relationship. So the other day, she was totally moved when her husband unexpectedly came home with her favorite Starbucks concoction. She was so touched by this small act that she shared it with all of her co-workers days later. Never underestimate the power of things, it can seem so small. But we almost always dismiss the idea of following through with them. We can't do that.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

David and I's anniversary is actually today. Happy anniversary, my love. But about a week ago, without warning, not for any particular occasion, he came home with three dozen roses for me, all in these beautiful colors. Then, if that weren't enough, he took about 20 minutes to cut their stems off, arrange them in vases, and put them around the house. He did a really good job too. Now, for the last week, every time I go into certain rooms of my house, there they are, reminding me that he did that. Not because he felt he had to or he felt obligated, but because he wanted to. Just because. Now this next one's not a surprise, but it is a small tip that I'd like to give to the ladies. You know what he likes girls, so when you go shopping and when you get dressed in the morning, do so with a desire to draw his eye all day long. If he's commented on an outfit in the past, that's probably something he likes. David and I actually do a lot of shopping together because I want to attract him, so I want to buy things that catch his eye. Then the shopping trip a lot of times turns into a really fun date.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Women, if you want to have an engaged husband in a fun date night, take him shopping. But let his likes and his dislikes be what makes or breaks the purchases. When desire for attracting him exceeds your desire to be wearing the styles that you might personally prefer, that makes a huge declaration of respect and desire for him.

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Ladies, show up at work for a lunch date, and when you're done, give him a bag with other things in it for later.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

Guys, light a candle, fill a bathtub, and tell her you've got dinner handled. When she asks if she should get out and help, tell her to stay put. If she mentions a long day ahead, go leave a note on her windshield just saying, I love you, I'm thinking about you. Fellas, turn that hug in the kitchen when you come in from work into a little ballroom dance for 15 or 20 seconds. Spin her around. You'll both be smiling when you go back to whatever you're doing, and trust me, you'll put in a little magic.

Simple Date Planning That Connects

SPEAKER_01 13:30

These little things are like sprinkling fertilizer on an already healthy tree. The fruit's gonna pop out all over the place. The feelings they inspire may lead you to look for ways to date your handsome guy or your lovely lady. So let's take a few minutes right now and talk about some dating ideas. I have to say that David is the ultimate romantic and he loves to plan dates. But not all people are like that. So if you're stumped for ideas, there is no shame in asking around. That's what David does a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Proverbs 1522 says, Without advice, plans go wrong, but with many advisors, they succeed. And as I read this verse today, I want to share with you that your date doesn't have to be original. In fact, countless times, I've had conversations with a guy, and I'll say, Hey, tell me, what has been an all-star date night that you've planned? Now he might have to go back five or even ten years, but that seed of an idea all of a sudden becomes invaluable for Blessing Tracy in the weaker months ahead. I do love being creative in our dating life. I like creating a new level of fun with it. But the key is that your date needs to be intentional. Show your spouse that you've put some thought into it, even if you're stealing someone else's thought.

Love Note Strips For Deeper Talk

SPEAKER_01 14:41

We've done many marriage conferences over the years, and each time we do, we have door prizes to give away. We ask each person to write down their favorite date idea, and then we have a volunteer couple with the Vast to Keep team choose a winner. So as you can imagine, over the years, we've collected quite a stack of ideas. Some of these we have done, and some are on our to-do list for dates. In the past, we find that if we end up shopping at the grocery store on our date or doing a couple quick errands that we really don't connect like we do when one of us has planned to bless the other. So share your favorite date ideas with us on our Facebook page so that others can have a jumping off place to start. Go to Facebook.com slash vows to keep. Now, this next part might sound like I'm bragging, but I'm really not. I feel like if I didn't share this tip with you, I would be remiss. It's called Love Note Strips. You heard me right. Love Note Strips. What in the world is that, you might ask?

SPEAKER_02 15:39

Well, imagine you told your wife that this Saturday night you were gonna take her out. You told her it was a surprise, and you want her to get all dressed up. You go pick up the babysitter, you give her the instructions on how to care for your kids, you open the car door for your wife, you pull out of the driveway. Now, one mile down the road you reach into your pocket and you pull out a strip of paper with something printed on it. She reads it, and it says, Hey, you picked the right guy. What's something I do which shows you I know I picked the right girl? Now she thinks about that for a minute before she answers. And the conversation rolls along. Then as you pull up to the restaurant and you open the car door and you hand her another note with a one-liner on it. It says something like, Hey, God's first gift to humanity was Jesus Christ, but second prize was the way you look tonight. As the waiter brings the waters and the menu, you pass her three more, each with a note of affirmation or a question which reflects your interest in her thoughts and her feelings. By this point, anticipation is key because she knows there's more to come. But more importantly than that, she knows you put forethought into it. You did a pre-planning. Now I've been doing this for over fifteen years, and while I love to be creative, sometimes I borrow phrases from others or words from love songs, whatever. All I do is I open up a document and I I start spending some time considering what we need to talk about in our marriage or how she needs to be affirmed. And then before I print the pages, I add a little tag that says the date and maybe some image that puts a theme to all of them. Depending upon the length of the date, I try to create maybe 10 to 30 of these, and afterwards I'd print them out. And then I simply cut them into strips.

Five Love Languages And Staying Close

SPEAKER_01 17:13

This week I was organizing some things in our house, and I ran across hundreds of these love notes, every single one of them. He doesn't do this on every single day, but when he does, it makes a giant splash in my love cup. One of the books that David and I read early on in our marriage was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This isn't scripture in and of itself, but it is full of great tips and tricks for being an effective love to your spouse. In his book, Gary outlines for us five ways that most of us feel love from others. Here they are gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Understanding these categories has been really valuable for both of us as we learn more about one another over the years and ways to love on each other that are meaningful to the other person. See, people typically give love to their spouse in the way that they want to be loved. We're so silly and we're really kind of self-driven. So if my love language is acts of service but his is words of affirmation, without thought, I'm likely to give an act of service and leave my spouse's affirmation tank empty.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

For 80% of men, their love language is physical touch. For 80% of women, quality time is what's most important. Most women, when they feel offended, withdraw physically. And most men, when they feel offended, withdraw emotionally. They stop bringing that quality time into their wife's life. A man needs to know that consistently carving out quality time with your wife that you planned, that you set aside, will energize your wife to want to touch and be with you. A woman needs to know that consistency and physical touch in direct and intimate ways is one of the greatest contributing factors to him staying connected to you with quality time.

Big Surprises And Celebrating Well

SPEAKER_01 19:04

This tip is really an antidote and a maintenance step all in one. And one of you will need to be the first to make a move to ultimately get back to the health of your relationship. The things that we've talked about today so far, those little surprises, intentional dating, those love notes, they're all wonderful things to implement on a regular basis to maintain the health of your marriage. But once in a while, it's pretty great to make a big splash. Part and parcel to making that splash is celebrating things that many people consider, ah, what does it matter? It does matter. The first part of this tip is don't ever stop celebrating your anniversary or your spouse's birthday. Speaking of your spouse's birthday, that is not a day just to think about how old they're getting, but how glad you are that they were born and that they are in your life. Many wives I know don't like to think about the fact that they're turning X number of years old this year. But let me share with you how a big surprise that David pulled on me not too many weeks ago. My birthday had not yet been crossed out on the calendar. In fact, it was a couple days away, and I really wasn't prepared for what was about to happen. It was a Wednesday morning. The night before, David had set my alarm without me knowing about it for very, very early in the morning. So it went off, kind of stumbled out of bed and said, Hey, is this alarm for you? He said, Nope, time to get showered. He turned on all the lights in the house and told me to get ready for something special. I got myself ready, he told me to get in the car, and he drove me to the airport. I looked in the trunk and he had packed for a special surprise trip, and we flew far away to somewhere warm. We were only there for 24 hours, but the great thing about it is those 24 hours were more impactful than just about anything else he could have done. Yes, it took a little bit of forethought on his part, but it made an impact that will affect me for many years to come.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

Some surprises or plans that you make like birthdays are always gonna fall on the spouse who's not having the birthday. But we've actually found in our marriage, when it comes to things like anniversaries or Valentine's Day, we have been well served to just trade back and forth with who gets the blessing of planning to knock the other person's socks off.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

For example, this Valentine's Day, it's my turn to plan something special. Next Valentine's Day, it's gonna be his turn, and we have fun trying to outdo each other on the fun and romance factor.

Marriage Pulse Checks And Priorities

SPEAKER_02 21:27

And mind you, not all of these tips and tricks we've shared with you today have to be surprises. Plan something and tell her about it. Then have fun dreaming about it together until that day comes. It's like handing her one rose twelve times throughout the day rather than a whole dozen at once. So many of these ideas I can't wait to implement again, but let's be honest here, life is crazy. Many marriages are so busy that they lose track of taking a serious inventory of what we're doing for our marriage.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

We think, hey, we're good, I can just smooth sail it for a while. But by not thinking about where our marriage is, what it needs, and how we need to invest in it, that's when we begin to drift.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

So let's avoid that. Let's stay on top of things. Here are some ways we can do that. Plan a date night to take your spouse out to dinner, someplace where you can have her undivided attention, and ask her the top three things question. What are the top three things that need to be changed in me? You're asking her to help you grow in Christ, and this question will be a great conversation started towards further intimacy and unity between the two of you.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Here's another one to keep a pulse check on your relationship. Together look at things that help you assess your marriage. Consider the last year from the standpoint of finances and time, and ask yourself and your spouse, what has consumed those two things? Then ask the question: Does this reflect where we want our priorities to be? Does this reflect our goals for our marriage and our family? And after reflecting on this, many people will realize that their kids and their job consume most of their time and their marriage gets the leftovers. It then provides a great opportunity to reassess and re-prioritize.

Share Tips Donate And Closing

SPEAKER_02 23:06

Keeping an open dialogue about these things can help us to realign our marriage if we're not 50 miles apart. It can also help us to determine exactly how far apart we are, and whether we can turn to simple things like tips and tricks, or if we need to actually work on the foundation of our marriage. When we see that we stop giving because we're not seeing the payoff, the roots of our marriage need a deeper examination. We cannot just look to the fruit that we're not seeing from this tree. We've got to start at the roots. Now there's a lot of creative ideas out there, but today we've given you a distinct set of tips and tricks that are rooted in how to build an unconditional love. We hope today on Valize Keep Radio that we've given you some ideas, some things that will help you put that cherry on top of your marriage. But we cannot stress enough that tips and tricks don't replace a heart that's fully devoted to Jesus Christ and in search and service of your spouse. If you see yourself as a tool in God's hands in your spouse's life, pouring into them as a joyful gift from God. If you and your marriage have been able to benefit from some of the things we've shared today, we would love to hear from you. If you've got tips and tricks to share of your own, we would love to hear from you as well.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Go to Facebook.com slash Vows2Keep.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

You've been listening to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Vows to Keep offers Christ-centered marriage resources for couples wishing to prepare, enrich, and renew their marriages. These resources include weekend retreats, conferences, date nights, and radio broadcasts across Ohio. Your financial gift will allow Vows2Keep to continue to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to help serve future couples. If you'd like to make a tax deductible donation or to find out more about Vows2Keep, visit our website at vowstokeep.com. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.