Stop Agreeing To Disagree

“Agree to disagree” sounds mature, but we’ve watched it quietly hollow out unity in marriage. When two people stop working toward oneness, they don’t stop the conflict, they just postpone it until it comes back louder. We start with a listener question we hear all the time and unpack why even small disagreements can grow into bitterness, disrespect, and emotional distance when each spouse retreats into “I’ll do me.”

From there, we get practical and biblical. We talk through how to identify the heart of the issue, how to test our motives against Scripture, and why Philippians 2 and Romans 12 call us to humility, honor, and giving preference rather than demanding our way. We also draw a clear line between personal preference and situations where God’s Word is at stake, because unity cannot be built on ignoring obedience.

We also tackle two pressure points that show up in countless Christian marriages: lack of quality time together and strain in the bedroom, plus the high-stakes debate of staying home with kids versus working. We share a simple time inventory you can do this week, a budgeting process based on real spending history, and ways to address fears about finances and isolation. Finally, we answer whether it’s better to argue behind closed doors or in front of kids, and we lay out a path for hard conversations shaped by prayer, accountability, and Matthew 18.

If this helped you, subscribe for more biblical marriage guidance, share it with a couple you care about, and leave a review so more marriages can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Series Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

For the last two weeks on Vows to Keep Radio, we have been talking about how to stop the fighting. We've been asking for the last two weeks what's the fight in your marriage that you can't solve?

SPEAKER_02 0:43

Today's QA broadcast is for you.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

We are David and Tracy Sellers, and we, like you, have made Vows2Keep. But that's not always an easy thing to do. It's our goal, like yours, we hope, to develop a biblically healthy marriage, one that puts first things first.

Is Agreeing To Disagree Ever OK

SPEAKER_02 1:00

This is part three of How to Stop the Fighting. And if you missed the first two broadcasts, you can find them online at vows2keep.com or on any of the major podcast networks. Just simply search for Vows to Keep.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

We're going to start with a doozy, Tracy. We've been asked this question in multiple different ways by multiple different people. Is it ever okay to agree to disagree? Is it okay simply to avoid the fights by just agreeing to disagree? What do you think, Trace?

SPEAKER_02 1:28

First of all, I think these things tend to start out pretty small. Like you like to travel to go see family on Christmas vacation, and your spouse thinks that extended family and vacation don't belong together in the same sentence.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Or something as complicated as the location of the real estate you're gonna buy. Is it sidewalks or is it gonna be country dirt roads that you're gonna be living on? So what is it that causes you to think we're gonna agree to disagree? We're not gonna come to terms with whatever this topic is.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

I'm gonna give you two words right now about a topic in our household that has been hot in the past. Are you ready for it? Skinny jeans.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Oh, yes, it's true. When skinny jeans became a thing, you know, I didn't really like them very much. I wasn't a super big fan. I'd never tried a pair on. And I remember one day going to the store with David and thinking, okay, today's the day I'm gonna try skinny jeans on. And I came out of the dressing room in these mint green skinny jeans, and the look on David's face was not what I was expecting or hoping for. I don't think David is a big fan on skinny jeans. I, however, was recognizing that they're very much in style, so maybe I should get on the fashion bandwagon and start the process. So I actually went out and bought a couple pairs of skinny jeans because I wanted to, not because David thought they looked nice. This was definitely a topic that we had agreed to disagree on, and even though it is super silly, actually began to cause division in our marriage.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Now, why would that cause division, you might ask? That seems like such a simple topic. One that certainly we could agree to disagree, but let me tell you how and why that happens. It starts with the littlest things where we have basically succumbed to the fact that we're going to be in isolation on this topic. I am going to pursue what I want, and you pursue what you want.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

So if you're the person in your marriage who has an idea about something, you want something, you're going after something, but your spouse does not agree with you, they are disagreeing. It's easy to feel like they don't really understand you, that you're not actually being heard and your wishes are not being respected. So you feel like you have to stand alone on this topic.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Of course, we're wanting our spouse to change, right? We want them to make the swing toward our thought process, or else we begin to hold those hard feelings toward them. There begins to be this root of bitterness in us. And we let that take root and we begin to hold a grudge in an amazing way.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

However, I think the other person does too, David, because you've had the conversation, you both know where you each stand, and the one person says, fine, you don't really get me, then I'm gonna do this myself. Well, then that spouse begins to do what they want to do. Well, the other spouse, the one that doesn't agree, they begin to feel disrespected also. They might even begin to hold a grudge that their feelings aren't being respected.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Any couple who agrees to disagree, they're not settling a problem at all. In fact, what they're doing is that they're delaying the pain to a point in time that's later, but also at an amped up volume.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

So has there ever been, David, a positive result, do you think, of agreeing to disagree?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

I have never seen that before in my marriage or in anyone else's. At the beginning it can look like it, Tracy, but I've never actually seen it play out that way over any period of time. You have this temporary peace, but at the cost of a long-term, deeper division, a deeper loss of unity. The problem is we need to get to the heart of the matter today. The longer we let it go, the greater the divide is, the harder it is to actually come back to unity. So, whatever that thing is that we're not in agreement on, we need to understand what is at the deepest root of what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

And we don't mean what's at the deepest root for your spouse. We're talking about what's at the heart of the matter for you. What is your motivation, basically?

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Many times it is a selfish desire, right? It's something that at the end of the day isn't really some biblical mandate that we absolutely have to do. It's a personal preference. And God's word is pretty clear about what we do with personal preferences, Tracy.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

This verse from Philippians 2 has been going over and over in my mind in the last 24 hours, so I better share it with you too. It says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride. But in humility, here's what we should do, considering others more important than ourselves. And I think we see that same biblical concept repeated in Romans 12, 10. To love each other with genuine affection, be devoted to one another in love, honor one another above yourselves. In fact, the New Living Translation says, take delight in honoring each other.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

So, Tracy, I think what that verse is really saying for us is it's not just about agreeing to disagree. In fact, what it is about is giving the preference to someone else. Now let's say though that this is not a matter of preference. This is a matter of what God's Word is asking us to do in a given situation. Men, I'm gonna ask you in those moments to understand your role of leadership. Are you in pursuit of what God's Word has asked of your family or of you as as individuals in your family? Or are you the blocker to what God has asked you to do? Is what your wife asking for something which absolutely aligns with scripture but is just difficult to comply with? This is those times where we can't agree to disagree because that would leave one of us in sin.

Find The Heart And Submit

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Let's talk about next steps.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Sure. First thing you want to do is really try to study what the heart of the issue is. You want to examine from every possible direction what is my motivation and then compare that with God's word. Find some verses in God's word that either support what you're saying or that deny what you're saying. And then from that, approach your spouse. You want to do this in such a way that changes the paradigm from being you against your spouse on this topic to you trying to get in compliance with God's word.

Time Together And Bedroom Disconnect

SPEAKER_02 7:31

We're ready to step into the next question. Here it is. In our marriage, we're constantly at odds over a lack of time together or a lack of time together in the bedroom. What advice would you have?

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Yeah, these two are very related, right, Tracy? A lot of ladies feel that lack of time together, and a lot of guys feel that lack of physical connectedness.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Really, this question is not a surprise at all. We deal with it in our own marriage, and we talk with a lot of couples that say the number one thing they fight about is one of these things.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

The Bible speaks to a good percentage of the struggle in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where it says the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body. And I'm going to say that includes his time and his priorities, right? But rather the wife does. So the verse goes on to say, Don't deprive one another except by mutual consent for a limited time so that you can devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control. Another guiding principle that we see throughout the book of Galatians, especially in chapter six, is this concept that we need to walk beside each other in a life on life sort of way. One that allows us to bear each other's burdens. And that certainly requires time and a lot of that intimate conversation, the kind of conversations that allow someone to really know what someone's struggle is, and then to take part in a change. So many times couples just feel like they are stuck, but the proof is in the pudding when it comes to what our priorities are. And if we really will step back and look at what God's Word is saying to us, we might have to realize that the priorities must change, that we're gonna have to make time for things, and that means saying no to some things that are potentially really good. As Tracy said, this is a struggle for us. Right now, I'm dividing my time between a job and a ministry and a family and being a husband. And what this means is that oftentimes I'm not balancing the priorities in the way that I should. I'm not giving Tracy the time that she needs to be heard and to be loved and be cherished.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

We felt the pressure as well as the failures of not enough quality time, not enough of that face-to-face time that's impacted our physical time together as well. All these things play into each other. We both know it, but sometimes we do get sort of stuck. We look at our lives and we see we're doing all kinds of really good things, things that help other people. We're not at the bar, we're not living it up in sin. But I think this is where most Christians find themselves. They're probably not doing a lot of really obviously wrong things, but inside their own personal lives, inside their own homes, they haven't prioritized their marriage the way that God has asked them to.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

So, how do you deal with this issue? Well, it boils down to this you've got to get serious about looking at how your time is spent, how your energy is spent. For us, sometimes what that means is pulling out a piece of paper and just writing down everything that consumed us for the last two or three weeks and looking at the big buckets of what they are and really thinking through what is the priority that this is tied to. Is this for the children? Is this for the finances? Is this for serving the Lord? Whatever it may be. And then we take those things in priority order to say what glorifies God. God asks us to put him first, our marriage second, our kids third, and things fall down from there. The point I want you to take from what we're saying is if you're going to stop fighting about this issue, you're going to start making some changes. Those changes are possible by taking a serious inventory of what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

And at the same time, taking a serious inventory of your heart. Guys, if you've got bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart towards your wife, you're probably not going to want to spend the quality time with her that she needs. Ladies, the flip side is the exact same for you. And as you process through what's really going on in your heart, make sure that you're not keeping score withholding what the other person needs until they deliver what you need.

Stay Home Versus Work Tension

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Well, we're going to move on to our next question. This one comes from a listener that says, Hey, I want to stay home with my kids, and my husband is pushing me to work. This is a huge division that we cannot get around.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

And to kick off our answer to this, more homework. That's right. If you are willing to write down the reasons that you believe your husband wants you to work, that is going to be a great place to start.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

Then, ladies, sit down and have a conversation, really to validate that you do, in fact, understand his concerns, and that this is no longer going to be something that's between the two of you, as something that's at odds, but rather something we're going to focus on the key issues and how we conquer the problems. If through that conversation you learn that there's some other things on his list, right? Most husbands who've resisted this shift have either had their wife's mental well-being in mind, just being concerned about them, you know, locked in a in a little house all day with little kids, or more commonly, they're worried about the family's financial well-being. Now the good news is after you've had a chance to write these things down and have this conversation with your husband, you're going to get a chance to really do some homework about what does God's word say about these things. But even before you go there, ask yourself this question. Why is it that you want to stay home? Are you running from something, some sort of terrible situation at work, or are you running to something? Could you back up that reason with scripture? Many ladies pondering this kind of change have got all the right reasons for doing it. But how do we address the concerns your husband has? I'm going to give you a few things to think about just on those most two common areas that I've heard from most husbands when this topic comes up. And I'm going to start with mental well-being, because I think there's a lot of times where husbands actually have a somewhat sound concern. They've observed either in their own mom or maybe some other lady that's been a stay-at-home mom, this kind of isolation can create depression. And the husband usually doesn't feel like he's got the ability to prevent that or to do anything about it, should that become the norm of your situation. And this is where Hebrews chapter 10 gives some really great direction. It starts in verse 24. Let us consider how we can spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day approaching. This verse encourages us to make sure that we don't stop meeting with people and that we stay out of isolation because that's how we are able to encourage each other in that process. When it comes to finances, this is one area where many ladies feel like listen, there's nothing I can do to replace the income that I'm currently bringing in and be a stay-at-home mom, so we're just gonna have to deal with it. Well, that's not true. There is some things you can do. Financially, I think we've reached the point in America that we believe the lie that we have to own everything. To become a stay-at-home mom, this means you actually have to be very good at deprioritizing the things that we need to deny ourselves of. We accomplished this by first building a budget, one that's based upon history. So take a look back the last three to six months of your finances and put in buckets where you've spent your money. Now look at all the receipts, look at all the details you can to make sure that you are really accounting for every dollar.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

If you don't have a budget, you've never had a budget, that's okay. But now is the time to start. David and I went many years in our marriage without having a written-down budget. I mean, we kind of knew where most of the money was going because we knew what our bills were, but when we actually wrote it down with a goal to get debt free, wow, we really saw where things could be changed. And it really wasn't as difficult a process as we had feared. Seeing where your money has gone is gonna help you see where you might be overspending, and it's gonna get the two of you on the same page, and you're gonna be able to go forward together from here. I remember years ago when a friend of mine was working full-time, she had kids in daycare. One day she sat down and she figured after child care, after taxes, after travel and clothes and lunch every day, she was bringing home 25 cents an hour, David. So, how much are you actually bringing home to contribute to the bottom line? And are you relying on that income or are there some line items in your budget that could be cut to make it possible to stay home?

SPEAKER_01 15:50

We need to know what our expenses are, and then we have to consider how we're gonna get our operating budget down to just your husband's salary. This is not an exercise for you to do alone. In fact, I couldn't recommend stronger that you do it as a couple. We have to get to the point though where we see God's provision as sufficient and our spending as excessive, and that we rectify the difference. So these numbers do have to work. You have to ask yourself things like do we need two cars? Can our kids share a room? Could we go to a smaller house? Do we need cable TV? And the answer to that is no, you don't, right? So get rid of it. Do we eat out too much? Some of these things might feel like unnecessary sacrifices until you realize the cost. The fact that these are the very things that for most of us keep us from being able to live on one income. Do we need to maybe continue to work, but just for a season in order to pay off some milestone debt? Even things like that can provide great hope to you as someone who's desiring to stop working to stay home with your kiddos. And then finally, doing this allows us to know exactly what the gap is. And sometimes what we do is we need to pray for something career-wise in your husband's work world in order to make this work. And I can tell you again from our own experience, that was exactly what happened. As soon as Tracy stopped working, God really provided and I was able to get a great raise at my job. Wasn't something we planned for, just worked that way, and God showed up.

Fighting In Front Of The Kids

SPEAKER_02 17:16

And the next question. This person said, We typically go into our bedroom and shut the door when we're fighting. But I have a friend who has it out with her husband right in front of the kids. Which way is right? What a great question.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Yeah, this is a tough one.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

We want you to know up front, we believe there are some conversations that you need to have with your spouse in private. There are many topics that kids can't understand or can't consume, and they might not get the full picture. However, as kids grow, you've got to understand that they understand more than you give them credit for. Should you be having one of those tough conversations about money in front of the kids? Well, they might not need to know the numbers, but they do need to know that you are wrestling with trying to manage your money in a God-honoring way. In part one of this three-part series on how to stop the fighting, I mentioned that I would really like to have a golden doodle, and David does not want to have a golden doodle. Well, guess what? We have golden doodle conversations right in front of the kids, and they're watching how we're handling that. They're watching our reaction to one another.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Really, what you're saying, Tracy, is that the public setting of your front room gains a lot more relevance, not less. And many kids today lack this biblical and social ability to solve disagreements. So you have got 18 years to teach them how. These are the very kind of topics and conversations that they need to see. So will you teach them just on the easy stuff, or will you give them the kind of lessons that equip them to have the disagreements in their marriage and not have it be the end of their marriage? Because handling these things biblically and letting them have a peek at you striving to be godly is one of the ways you are discipling them.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

So is it okay to fight in front of your kids? Well, I'd recommend that you go back and listen to part one and part two of how to stop the fighting, because the fights really come from what is in our hearts, the desires that wage war within us, and they're not godly desires. When our desires are godly, we desire to love our spouse like Christ loved. Guess what? The fights pretty much stop. Short term, if you're in the middle of a fight, it can feel good to go into the bedroom, shut the door. You know what? You can say anything you want behind a closed door. The kids aren't there to see it. But our experience has shown that their presence in the midst of your fight provides an accountability for your godliness and provides them with an example of how to deal with fights someday themselves.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

You're absolutely right, Tracy. There are so many times where having a kid right there listening to your conversation will change the kind of words you will use, right? If they see you in church worshiping your Lord and with the same mouth cursing your spouse, what are they supposed to think? I mean, you're a fool if you think that going behind closed doors is actually isolating your kids from knowing your true feelings and your true attitude. It isn't. Kids hear more and see more than you ever realize. And they reflect it in their own lives eventually. Let's face it though, sin likes isolation, and it's tempting to fight in private because this enables us to say those kind of things and to do the kind of things that are not God honoring. But it also allows us to keep up a facade. The things between mom and dad are okay. And that facade has a lifespan of what, maybe 10, 12 years, Tracy?

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Yep, just about. And that would be best case scenario.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

God, however, has asked us not to hide our light under a basket.

How To Start Hard Talks

SPEAKER_02 20:44

God's word invites us to pray for wisdom and to use the discernment that the Lord gives us. If you're not sure whether or not the kids should be witness to this, pray about it first. Get your heart right with God anyway, before you go into any tough conversation or before you think something might turn into a fight. Even pray about it with your spouse. If your kids see you praying and forgiving one another after a tough conversation, even after a fight, they're gonna follow that example. Here's another question, David. The person says, I want to talk with my spouse about the things that are bothering me, but I don't want to start a fight. I know it's going to lead to one.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

A difficult conversation, basically, in the making, right? But we think by dodging the bullet, not having that conversation, that we're actually gaining peace. The truth is we're not. You've first got to determine if what's bothering you is an affront to the Lord that you see, or is it a personal preference that you have? What is it that you want to talk with him about and why is it pressing on you?

SPEAKER_02 21:46

So let's take the easiest thing first. Now it's not wrong to have a personal preference and to express that to your spouse, but you should expect a fight. That's right. You should expect a fight if you're having a contest to see who. Who can be more selfish in their demands?

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, that never goes well.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Never. You can express your preference, not as a demand, but as a wish. You can hold it loosely, and that's okay. You can have a conversation about that and do just fine. Remember, if you're not demanding that you get your personal preference.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

The tougher part is when what's bothering you is a sin issue, maybe in his life, your life, or maybe your collective married life together. At the risk of being a broken record, what we're gonna encourage you to do is to write out the issues that you see to be the root issues. And then go find some Bible verses and stories in God's word that support what you believe that problem to be, as well as what might be potential solutions. Pray over what you've written down and consider when is the best time for you to have that conversation. Maybe it's best for you to go out to breakfast or set up some scenario that's not compounding what you're gonna talk about onto something else, but rather allow this topic to be dealt with by itself in isolation. Then, when the time is right, lay out the facts. This is what I see. This is what God's Word says about it. Do you see that it is also a problem? Do you agree with what I'm reading in God's Word? Is that an authority in our lives? Matthew 18 spells out how we deal with sin issues in people's lives. We start with a one-on-one conversation. Now, if your husband's receptive, or maybe it's it's your sin and he's receptive to helping you to overcome it, cool, right? But if not, that's where you start bringing in others to help evaluate. Do you have the facts right? Are your motives pure? Are you in pursuit of God in this matter? Or is your judgment being clouded by your personal interest? Matthew 18 really lays this out well for you. I'm not going to have the time, unfortunately, to go through all of it here, but hopefully that sets you up with enough to get you started. These kind of conversations, the ones you don't want to have, are the very ones you must have. But doing so with a God-honoring intention and a deep desire to please the Lord, not your spouse, and not yourself, will yield fruit.

Ministry Support And Donation Invite

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows2Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit vows2keep.com and click on the donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows2Keep Radio? Listen to more life changing broadcasts at vowstoke.com. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.