Raising Kids Who Don’t Leave The Church When They Leave Home PART 1 ::[Ep. 298]

A quiet fear haunts many parents: what if our kids walk away from church—and from God—when they leave home? We tackle that fear head-on with hard data, honest stories, and a roadmap for raising disciples who see church as a covenant community, not a spiritual marketplace. From a heartbreaking turn in a close friend’s family to a sweeping look at declining membership and rising “no preference” identities, we unpack the cultural forces shaping the next generation’s choices and the personal habits that either anchor them or set them adrift.

We get practical about the shift from consumer faith to committed belonging. You’ll hear why attendance alone won’t make church feel relevant, and how serving, using spiritual gifts, and seeking real accountability transform Sunday into a life-giving rhythm. We talk openly about church hurt, resentment that hardens, and the courage to pursue reconciliation using Matthew 18. We also demystify leadership—pastors are called, not flawless—and explore how humility, accountability, and grace rebuild trust after hypocrisy or failure fracture it.

Throughout, we link marriage and church with the biblical picture of covenant: staying, serving, forgiving, and showing up even when convenience says “skip.” Parents will find clear steps to model consistent worship, shepherd heart issues beyond quick labels, and invite kids into real ministry—praying with the lonely, asking deeper questions, and meeting needs beyond the walls. The aim isn’t control; it’s formation, so our children choose Jesus freely and recognize the church as a family on mission.

If this resonates, share it with a parent who needs hope, subscribe for future episodes, and leave a review to help more families find gospel-centered help for marriage and parenting.

Chapters

• 0:00 Mission And Parental Fear Introduced
• 2:55 A Friend’s Prodigal And The Big Question
• 4:55 Stats On Declining Church Commitment
• 8:20 Science, Worldview, And Faith Drift
• 11:20 Discipline, Heart Issues, And Parenting Aim
• 15:30 Modeling Faithfulness Over Convenience
• 16:40 Funding Appeal For Marriage Ministry
• 18:00 Hurt, Resentment, And Matthew 18
• 22:40 Hypocrisy, Failure, And Honest Leadership

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now, here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

SPEAKER_00: 0:22

They start out as babies, they become toddlers. Toddlers become kindergartners, kindergarteners, eventually high school students, and soon our kids are adults. That's the goal, right? We're caretakers for a season. God is using you now, but someday they'll leave your house. The question all Christian parents wrestle with is: will my kids leave God's house as well? You see, leaving my house, I feel like, is a measure of success. My goal is to teach them everything they know to be confident and contributing Christians in a career, in a family, in whatever they aspire to do. A week ago, we sat across the table from a husband and wife who we've known for 20-some years. They're actually an influential couple in our lives. As we enjoyed our meal together, we covered all the normal topics, you know, marriage, life, work, and then kids. And it was as we specifically got to this last topic of kids, and they gave an update on their youngest child that a significant change in tone happened.

SPEAKER_02: 1:24

Yeah, the looks on their faces really took a turn for the worse that night. A year ago, when we last saw our friends, they told us about how their youngest kiddo had just received a full ride scholarship to a Bible college. They were super excited about it, and so was he. This year it was clear something big had changed. They carefully and respectfully talked about some of the life choices he had made that had massive implications. He was no longer following God, he was running headlong into sin. No longer was he going to Bible school. He was now into a lifestyle that embraced activities the Bible warns us about.

SPEAKER_00: 1:57

These were godly parents. The investment that they made in their kids was real. I saw it. So all of us were asking, how could this be? Their child had left their home, and within months, their child had left the church too.

SPEAKER_02: 2:12

If one of your greatest fears is a child who runs from God, then we're glad you're here with us today. Find out how the faith you live right now influences the faith your kids will have well into the future. In this series, we're going to talk about what the statistics say about why kids choose to walk away from the church and what God's word says is the need for church, what your responsibility is now as a parent with kids someday leaving your home. And finally, why and how we leave the future of our kids in the hands of God. We're glad you're here for this episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel, you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, David and Tracy Sellers of Vows to Keep. We are marriage counselors, we're authors, we're teachers at heart, we're radio hosts, and we are conference speakers. And if you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you are definitely in the right place. Well, let's start with the bad news first and get that out of the way. We all know people just aren't going to church as much these days. We looked at an 80-year Gallup poll, and wow, were we surprised? Church membership in America is now below 50%. In 1937, when Gallup first measured church attendance, it was 73% in America. And it stayed right around there all the way through year 2000. And then it had the sharp downturn to 61% in 2010 and 47 in 2020. That's a 60-year steady trend line with a 20% drop in the last 20 years.

SPEAKER_00: 3:36

It's crazy. 31% of millennials have no religious affiliation, which is up from 22% a decade ago. 33% of Gen Zers that are now adults have quote unquote no religious preference. So what's up? Why is there this shift? Well, no religious preference points to more and more people without a personal relationship with God. And obviously that's going to affect church membership drastically. Why go to a building when everything they're there to talk about means nothing to me? And then there's the second factor. Those who do know Christ are becoming less inclined to be a formal member of a church. It's like it's too much commitment. Now, before we feel like the sky is falling, I want to point out one important fact. This research was published in March of 2021. And I don't want to be a skeptic of bad news, especially when it's for the home team, but keep in mind, right in that time frame, the COVID-19 pandemic had started and actually had been going on for almost a year before this research was published. So a lot of churches were struggling to keep their doors open, and obviously the lockdowns had a significant impact on church attendance. But go watch the news, right? You're going to see that while church membership is going down, the belief in our scientific community, well, it's going up. All the answers they're providing, all the answers that Christians are even buying into as well, above the Bible. We're having more confidence in science. Now, don't hear this wrong. I'm not against science. In fact, I'm an engineer. I look at life in a very logical and methodical way. My belief in God is actually supported by my understanding of that science and math topics. Things I can measure, things I can see. But as a society, our worldview, especially during and after the pandemic, has been to embrace what scientific leadership has said over what biblical directives have said. And no doubt it's had an effect on our churches. It's been our generation who has done the most to disregard God, and in the meantime, to hunger for the answer to the problems that a godless society is creating. And as a result, we have kids who don't know God and don't want to, or those that have at one time claimed as Lord and then backslidden away. Is your son or your daughter in one of these categories? Do you see it starting? Sometimes I think we can see those problems with our kids, especially when it comes to something that requires discipline, coming from a long ways away. Sin affects all of us. It's gonna affect your kids. But let's not let science try to address the things of the heart, the things that need to be taken care of between your child and the Lord. Sometimes we do that. Our our kiddos act out in school enough, and soon enough they get a medical diagnosis. And so often this isn't fair to the child. Science has a hard time explaining the power of a lack of discipline that is loving and results in repentance. Instead, we've turned what God says will be the results of limited discipline, often done in anger, which we see all the time in our generation, into a medical concern with an answer for sale at the local pharmacy.

SPEAKER_02: 6:51

Yeah, ADHD, ADD, anxiety, depression, are these real problems? Yes. But I believe in time we'll find that science isn't the answer to most of these. Chemically altering behavior is a band-aid over the real problem. I believe we'll find, though, that God's word has the answers. These kiddos today that science is declaring as chemically broken are someday gonna grow up. And in years to come, in my opinion, we'll find the actual problem was a heart problem in so many of these cases. When our hearts believe lies, we act on them. Our kids do too. And these lies are way more destructive and easier to address than science could possibly reconcile with chemistry. Now, we aren't doctors, let me say that loud and clear. No part of what we're saying should be taken as medical advice. But I don't want to stick my head in the sand on something that my kid is going through and not walk beside them to help them in their sin struggle, in their heart struggle. The biggest calling I have as a parent is to disciple my kids to become more Christ-like. And that's not gonna happen in just one conversation. We know that. It's not gonna happen in one act of discipline. But I do have an end goal for my family, and I hope you do too. An end goal that's not gonna come quickly or easily. A goal that doesn't come when I'm easily distracted, which I so often am. And it certainly doesn't come when I let my kids live in a constant state of distractions and entertainment.

SPEAKER_00: 8:16

This doesn't come easy or quickly. It doesn't come when we're distracted. It doesn't come when we let our kids live in a constant state of entertainment and distraction. But that doesn't mean change doesn't come or can't come. We just need the right kind of change, the kind that is hard for us. It's hard for our kids at times as well, but it honors God here and now. And as importantly, it serves our kids long after they've left our home. Every answer that we give ourselves that isn't from God puts our hope in something that isn't God. You see, many of the kids that we see every Sunday morning in five or ten years won't be there anymore. Why is that? Well, let me start with my own experience. I graduated from high school and I moved away for college, the Denver metro area, and like my older brother, who'd done the same thing four years before me, I started looking for a church. And I spent a few months. You know, I'd try this one, I'd try that one. Well, eventually sleeping in seemed more valuable than getting up and getting dressed and going. And the innocence of skipping church actually seems just fine when you're in that moment living it out. I tried, I failed. You know, I'll try again later. Maybe you can see your kid being at this point someday too. The question is, are they seeing this modeled by you right now? A wishy-washy kind of lack of commitment. Yeah, kids, we'll go to church if I feel like it or if there's nothing else more pressing. Lord help us to model consistent faithfulness to you.

SPEAKER_02: 9:56

Hi, this is Tracy from Vows to Keep Radio. We're asking you to help us become fully funded so Vows to Keep has the financial resources to keep sharing hope with marriages like yours. God is growing this ministry tremendously, and the testimonies we hear confirm that God's word does not return void. Right now, we need an additional$6,500 a month. Would you consider becoming a monthly partner with us to build biblically healthy marriages? We're asking 100 families to give$50 a month and 60 families to give$25 a month. Prayerfully make your best gift at vows2keep.com. Well, let's look into the second common reason your kids will leave the church, which is resentment and hurt. We all have desires and mostly expectations when it comes to church, and sometimes those just aren't met. One thing we don't take into consideration, though, is that the people in our church may have no idea how hurt we are by these unmet expectations. David and I have had weekly Sunday morning marital struggles in front of our kids as a result of this very topic. This is real stuff. The problem with this kind of hurt is that it happens in families as well as church families. Think about this. Someday the very thing your kid will want to run from is you, because the sin in your life is going to affect them. So what are you teaching them to do with someone else's sin? Thankfully, we have Matthew chapter 18, where Jesus teaches us that if our brother sins against us, we should go to him. We shouldn't avoid him. Too often we pretend like we're giving grace by just biting our tongue and not saying anything. We think it's easier to just silently carry around this bitterness rather than going to the person who hurt us and having a real conversation. Now, it is hard and scary to have those conversations. Trust me, I've had them, but the Bible is asking us to do it. And here's the thing: it keeps churches together and it keeps families together. It is worth it for all involved.

SPEAKER_00: 11:49

It's true in marriage, it's true in church bodies. Hurt and disappointment build resentment. Resentment is like wet concrete. If you don't deal with it when it's wet, it will harden. And at that point, we need a jackhammer to bring change. When you've gone somewhere for a while and you feel like an outsider, yeah, that is tough. We have been there, we've done that. But that's one of the reasons that I made excuses as a college student to not keep going back. No one noticed me, no one paid attention to me. Maybe that greeting of people that were inside that building meant too much to the 19 year old me. But the truth is, no matter how old we are, we have a desire to be known. We have a desire to know that we matter to someone. We want to be connected. In counseling, we hear stories of church hurt because we're honestly not great culturally about sitting down and being honest. We're also way too proud to receive correction and make any kind of change in our lives. So instead, we avoid that uncomfortable feeling of being legit. We don't open ourselves up for feedback, and so what do we do? We leave the church. Overcoming this tension and having a conversation that enables support is a skill that desperately needs developing. These conversations are key because without them, churches drift in bad ways, and often ways you can see coming from afar. Now, on the flip side, there are sadly many of our unmet expectations that are actually short-sighted and even wrong. And without that conversation with those in my church, I leave myself in a self-made bubble rather than opening myself up to input of others who might be able to help my view be corrected. See, when you live out these skills in your marriage and in your home and in your church, you will show your kids how to do it for themselves later. And the hope is that your kids are gonna be so familiar with having loving but hard conversations that they're gonna take these skills into their own church families, into their own marriages. You see, if you leave your current church over hurt feelings, you're gonna leave your next church for the same reason. Your kids will do the same thing. The solution isn't leaving, it's reconciling.

SPEAKER_02: 14:03

Another big reason our kids will leave the church as adults is hurt from what feels like hypocritical church leaders with too much moral failure. Often we feel like churches where everybody's just supposed to be doing the right thing, right? If that's true, there shouldn't be any hurt at church. Well, it's not exactly true. And you know it because you've been that person and you've had it happen to you. Pain is in the church because people are in the church. Even though we know this, we're surprised when somebody hurts us. It's like Galatians chapter five. It talks about this battle within all of us, the flesh and the spirit. And so often the flesh is the thing that wins at the expense of somebody else.

SPEAKER_00: 14:39

To some extent, I almost can't blame kids who leave the church hurt by people claiming all the benefits of being Christ-like, but then not following through themselves. I wince every time I see a headline of some Christian leader who has just been announced in moral failure. But here's the thing far too many young adults have felt burned by the judgment of churchy self-righteous people only to then leave the church isolated and alone as they see their own mistakes. So how do we fix this? What's the antidote? Well, first off, I want to be very clear. I'm not suggesting as Christians we should just be permissive about sin. But the question you have to ask yourself is are we as Christians advocates? Are we allies for that person who has sinned? Are we admonishing them? Are we speaking truth with love and grace? Are we pointing out the consequences, not as some threat or something like, you know, I told you this was gonna happen, but as a form of protection. Saying things like, you know what, I love you so much. I love you too much, in fact, to just set back and not warn you about the consequences of the sin I see in your life. Jesus said that it would be our fruit that would enable people to recognize us as Christians. Your marriage is to be a display of that fruit. It's to be something that makes such a display that your church is actually full of marriages just like that. Living a life of integrity, loving on each other, there to uplift your spouse when they're broken, rather than standing back and condemning them. How many times have you seen that in the halls of our churches? Do this as a couple in the public forum of a church and be leaders in that church who do the same thing. And your kids are gonna come to that church as adults someday like a magnet. You need to make sure your kids know that pastors and elders and even yourselves, even them, we're all flawed. If your kids know that their church leaders are sinners who struggle to be like Christ, people who fight the good fight on the personal level, they're gonna see that they're just like them. Far too many people put their pastors on a pedestal, in fact, their whole family. And it makes for fake church leaders stuck in glass houses that can't help but be broken. Your pastor isn't in that role because they're perfect. They're not in that role because they're without sin. They're in that role because they're called. Go look at Moses and other leaders appointed by God, and what you're gonna see is people who try hard and often fail. God can and will use them anyhow. Your kids need to know that to be leaders someday themselves, that failure and accountability go hand in hand. That's how you won't repeat that. And your kids will need accountability someday, just like your pastor does today. When they leave your home, that accountability may not come from you. How better could we identify one of the greatest needs for the church than that right there?

SPEAKER_02: 17:37

The next reason our kids might leave the church as adults is that we've trained them that the church is like any other product we consume. A church with rock star worship services and strong preaching is really great for attracting people to the church. And there's nothing wrong with it. But it's not great at keeping people in the church. This really is a two-sided problem. So let's dig into it. Church members who expect to be ministered to, instead of being a part of ministry themselves, will pretty much always feel a lack of connection. Our relationship with church comes down to how well the church can serve us so many times, how much it doesn't offend us by challenging what we believe. It's easy to move from a fan to a critic of the church.

SPEAKER_00: 18:19

Like marriage, the church is meant to be deeper than this consumer relationship we seem to have that's that's totally based on, you know, what I want, what my needs are, what my expectations are. Your relationship with God's church has to be a picture of the follow-through that stems from the covenant that we have as believers with God. Let me say that again. Your relationship with God's church has to be a picture of the follow-through that stems from the covenant that we have with God. In other words, when your spouse hasn't served you, do you leave? No. When your kids haven't served you, you don't quit as a parent. You choose to stay because God has chosen to stay in your life. Ephesians 5 makes light of this great mystery and it and it links a marriage of a husband and a wife to Christ and the church. And the point is that the marriage is this mystery because it reveals, like a parable, a truth about Christ and the church. There is a divine reality hidden in the metaphor of marriage. God ordained this permanent union between his son and the church. Your marriage is the earthly image of this divine relationship. Just like God is willing for Christ to come and to pay the price for you and I as sinners to bridge the gap so that the church can become one with Christ. God willed for marriage to reflect this very same thing that a husband and wife would become one flesh.

SPEAKER_02: 19:45

Now, isn't it interesting that at the same time the institutional church is suffering, traditional marriage is suffering as well? Think about it. The formality of something being official has been lost. Now we just desire to have freedom from anything that doesn't serve me well. This goes against some basic biblical fabric that God has woven into us. People want to make a difference, but that's a no-go without real unity. The more we act like we don't need legit organized groups in real relationships, the more the church's mission to orchestrate the body's abilities to reach others goes without.

SPEAKER_00: 20:19

This is so key. Have you ever talked with your kids about their spiritual gifts? When our kids believe the ministry needs of a church have already been taken care of and and they didn't need to make any kind of commitment with their particular gifting, they won't feel valuable. They won't see the need. And your adult kids are going to feel the exact same way. So you have to teach your kids now that church is not some product we consume. That mindset creates a lie. Kids are actually grown up seeing the exact same lie through the lens of marriage. A covenant, committed relationship, oh, that's not real. Mom and dad, they just tolerate each other. I'm not even sure they would pick each other to be on the same team anymore. They tolerate each other until the family splits up. It's a lie that the church is to give and I'm to receive. And while it's true that we should receive a great message of truth and great worship and friends that care about us, the church was actually built because we're there to be someone who would pour in, who would who would give with all we have to others. Sure, sometimes that should come back around to us. But dear kids know, son and daughter, you were made with a purpose to see, to hear, to lift, to serve. You've got to attend church with that in mind. And watch what God will do to fill you up.

SPEAKER_02: 21:39

As we close up, I'm gonna talk about one more thing that causes us and potentially our adult kids to leave the church. The church is irrelevant to me. I will say there are a lot of surfacey, feel-good churches out there. They've got the coffee bar nailed down, they've got the rock concert worship band nailed down, the pastor's hair is spiked just right. You know what I mean. Emotions run high, but the depth of relationship required for accountability never comes. It just isn't there.

SPEAKER_00: 22:05

This is a risk to the upcoming generations, just like it's been for our own. The obvious problem is that churches who bend this way create a generation who will eventually see right through it. That's not real, it's not meaningful enough to actually become relevant. On the flip side, other kids in this upcoming generation are going to see the traditional church where the theory of theology and all the rituals that follow, that that is the core message. They are so heavenly minded, they are no earthly good. They are irrelevant. The point is that as we grow spiritually, the relevance of church, even from great sermons and programs, diminishes until we do one thing. We start serving others on a heart level. I'm not talking about serving by stacking chairs. That's fine, that's good. I'm talking about looking for lonely hearts to pray with. I'm talking about asking good questions of people that are in your peer group. I'm talking about looking out for needs and opportunities to serve that aren't just inside the walls of the church, that aren't even sanctioned by the church. I'm talking about growing and exercising your role in the church, not necessarily as the building, but as the church body. Expecting to grow spiritually by attending church, but not participating is like expecting to get physically healthy by eating better, but not getting off your couch. We thank you for joining us today on Bouse Keep Radio. The statistics, they do look bad, but thinking about the problems that your kids will face helps us to know how to equip them together now. In the next broadcast, we're going to help you understand what God's Word says is the need for the church, so that you can instill that now as well as understanding what all your other responsibilities are as a parent today. Christianity was never meant to be lived in isolation. We need church. Kids, the church even needs us. The church is not a marketplace where we pick the spiritual products that we like. The church is a community that worships Jesus together, a family that cares for each other, a team that goes out to bless others in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_01: 24:15

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers, and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christ-like marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities but would like to help support Vows2Keep financially, visit vowstoKeep.com and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows2Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.