Going the Distance: Two Essential Secrets for a Lasting Marriage :: [Ep. 294]

We reveal two essential secrets that can help any marriage go the distance – remembering God's faithfulness and forgetting through forgiveness. These seemingly contradictory practices create the foundation needed for couples to overcome challenges and renew their commitment to each other.

• The natural tendency to easily remember negative experiences while forgetting positive ones
• How life challenges like health issues, work demands, and family changes test marriage relationships
• The importance of choosing to forgive past hurts to move forward in faith
• Learning from the Israelites crossing the Jordan River on dry ground
• Creating tangible "stones of remembrance" to document God's faithfulness
• The three reasons for sharing stories of God's faithfulness with others
• Practical steps for implementing remembering and forgetting in your marriage

Tonight with your spouse, have some "remember when" conversations about what God has done in your marriage, document it, and initiate a prayer of praise to God who is worthy. Forget what you need to and remember what you're called to.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Vows to Keep Radio
• 3:07 Marriage Challenges and Faith Questions
• 6:30 God at Work in Your Marriage
• 9:57 Two Secrets: Remembering and Forgetting
• 14:15 The Jordan River Miracle
• 19:24 Creating Stones of Remembrance
• 22:12 Moving Forward in Faith

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:25

No one signs up for marriage looking for our passion to wane. We mean our vows when we say them. We have every intention of giving our all to this marriage and we can't wait to see where it takes us. So many of us find that right smack dab in the middle of the journey, our love goggles fall off and we can't see our way to the end of this marriage road anymore. We lack the energy to strive to finish the race. Yet somewhere in the back of our minds, somewhere in the bottom of our hearts, we still want this marriage to succeed. Today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going to share two essential secrets to go the distance. These two elements are so important. We believe that no marriage can be successful without them. That's why you're here today. You're looking for the secret ingredient.

Speaker 3: 1:07

What are they Find out? On today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, david and Tracy Sellers of Vows to Keep. We're biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place.

Speaker 2: 1:34

If I squeeze my eyes tight and plug my ears to shut out the world, I can barely remember something encouraging that someone has said to me, even though people encourage me all the time. I have to be really intentional to think through the good things that have happened over the last week, let alone the last year. More often than not I forget what I prayed for and how God has answered that prayer. But at any given moment of the day, no matter what else is going on, I can easily recall something negative that someone said to me or about me, even if it's from a long time ago. I can instantly bring to my mind hurts and hurt feelings, something that didn't go well, or a prayer that God hasn't answered yet.

Speaker 2: 2:13

Is that how it goes for you when you think about your marriage? Easy to remember the hard things, hard to remember the successes, maybe even hard to remember the goals we had at the beginning of our relationship? I'll have to say this has been one of the toughest years of our marriage. David's job is more like Tom Cruise in the Firm if you've ever seen that movie than a regular 9-7 job Demanding more hours and energy from him than he has to give and honestly, there's not much left of him for anything else.

Speaker 3: 2:41

Yeah, it's been tough. Health issues have abounded this year for both of us, but thankfully we've come out on the other side. We've had two kids move out of the house and go to college, stresses in ministry, challenges with family members these things have all tested our relationship. Some of them have revealed fractures, things that need attention. Maybe, like us, you've had a tough year. A parent moved in, you've experienced a job loss or bankruptcy, a miscarriage, promises that have been broken, expectations unmet, commitments that have been impossible to keep. When you look back at the last 12 months of your marriage, is it the good or the bad that comes to your mind? When your history as a couple leans more toward the negative than the positive, it can really shake your faith. Have you felt the foundation of your faith shifting beneath your feet?

Speaker 2: 3:37

We begin to question God, question our spouses and even ourselves. Most of the time we don't say any of it out loud, but our heart whispers, a prayer that seems to bounce off the ceiling, like God, where are you? We try to communicate with our husband, with our eyes or our nonverbals saying why don't you come through for me? And we ask ourselves in the middle of the night, when we've already been let down so many times, will you be able to hang on to hope? I heard a song recently that talked about how God is still working, still moving, that he's up to something. And in my finite faith I don't always believe that because I can't see it. But then I look at scripture and I see that it's true.

Speaker 3: 4:18

In John 5, jesus sees someone in need it's a man paralyzed from birth. Sees someone in need it's a man paralyzed from birth. He heals him. But there's these naysayers that see the whole thing and they say, jesus, you've done something wrong. And what was that thing he did wrong? He healed on the Sabbath.

Speaker 3: 4:36

Now Jesus responds hey, my father is always at work to this very day, and I am working too. And then there's us in the daily monotony of our marriage, and I'm challenged to believe I don't know if I can see that truth that God actually sees my marriage. He recognizes that your marriage and mine they need healing, that he is the God who reaches out to touch our brokenness. He hasn't left me, he hasn't left my spouse, he has not left our marriage and he has not left this world alone just watching it fall apart. That is not who he is. Psalm 121 tells me that God is at work in the details. He who watches over me doesn't slumber or sleep, but he's always at my right hand, protecting, guiding. Philippians 2.13 tells me that God is at work inside of us. It says God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Referring to God.

Speaker 2: 5:39

I guess, if I'm honest, sometimes I don't believe that God is up to something. But if I could pull back the lens and look at my life, I see my face shakes in the exact moment where I begin to assess and fixate on the negative what's happened that didn't feel good, what's happened that didn't line up with my expectations or dreams, what hasn't happened and where I feel God hasn't come through. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going right and I have to almost force my foot to take the next step of faith. I bet you've been there, or maybe that's where your marriage is at today. I read verses all over scripture where God is asking, actually telling me to keep my eyes on him, to press forward in faith, to not wallow in the things that have happened in the past or live in constant regret, but instead to look at what he's doing now and what he's promised to do in the future.

Speaker 3: 6:30

How do we do that? What are the two secrets to go the distance in marriage? It's simple. It's remembering and forgetting. Now these sound contradictory, but both have their place and this is a way more profound thing that I think we give it credit for. God has given specific direction for us in his word for both of these two things, and they will be what builds our faith to go the distance in our marriage.

Speaker 2: 6:58

One day, when I was about 20, I was talking with a trusted confidant and I told them I felt God was calling me to go to Bible school to get equipped to go into full-time ministry. One day, when I was about 20, I was talking with a trusted confidant and I told them I felt God was calling me to go to Bible school to get equipped to go into full-time ministry. You're not that special. The person said back to me Give up the dream and just stop pretending. God has some great call on your life. I can remember exactly where I was standing when I heard those words. They sliced pretty deep. I believed them. I made decisions based on them that had some far-reaching effects on the rest of my life, where I went to school, what occupation I chose, what I would choose to do with my time. People who say they love us often do and say things that hurt us. Your husband will, your wife will. I've recalled that conversation in my mind at least a hundred times in the last 20 years. I see what could have been and that's what hurts the most. God was calling me into full-time ministry. God had prepared good works in advance for me to do. That conversation took place about a year or two before I met David. And even though I listened to people rather than God, you know what I didn't stop God dead in his tracks. His plan for my life and for using me as his tool didn't come to a halt. God used that interim time in my life to grow me in him so that when I met David I was full-on ready to begin ministry with him.

Speaker 2: 8:19

People's words and actions can't stop what God intends. The history of you or your spouse's sin does not define your future. God does. It may not look like you thought it would, but God's not surprised. He's not thrown off base. It took me a long time to get to that place in my heart where I believe those things. The first step for me was forgiveness. Would I forgive this person for what they said and the effects it had on my future? Forgiveness puts our past as far as the East is from the West. History no longer defines me because Jesus has redefined me and now I can go forward in faith. Forgiveness made it possible for me to trust that, even though my life seemed to stall out because I didn't listen to God, I could trust him to redeem my time. The challenge for each of us will be to shift where our eyes are focusing With a trust in God and a forgiveness for a spouse who's hurt us. Will we look ahead to what God has for our marriage? Will we believe that he can do miracles?

Speaker 3: 9:22

Miracles? What are the situations that, when you look back, you see beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was only by God's hand that you were delivered? Can I encourage you to write those things down? Make a list right now of where you've seen God's hand in your life.

Speaker 2: 9:42

For me. I could write down something physical, like the time where David fell through some rafters 10 feet onto concrete and even though he has sustained injuries to this day, he somehow didn't land on the pile of shrapnel that was directly under where he fell that shrapnel that surely would have caused him more harm. It could be something emotional, like God sustaining me to take care of David during his four-month recovery from his fall. That was well past my human abilities to do so.

Speaker 3: 10:13

It could be something spiritual, like the time our oldest daughter led our youngest daughter to faith in Jesus Christ right there in their bedroom before they went to sleep.

Speaker 2: 10:25

It could be something mental, like when the Holy Spirit brings just the right verse to me, the truth that I need in that moment to fight the battle in my mind against the lies of the enemy. These, my friends, are miracles. This is evidence of God on the move, supernatural circumstances that when I think about them, when I remember them, they build my faith and they remind me that God is not only there beside me, he's in control and I can trust him. He's working in your life too, even if you can't see it at the moment.

Speaker 3: 10:58

We're not two perfect people. We've struggled in our marriage, and I know you have too Well. I want to tell you about someone else in the Bible who did as well, and that's the Israelites. They didn't have the easiest path. We read about them in the Old Testament, and you're going to hear how they had some enemies. You're also going to hear how their sins kept them in chains, and they, like us, long for things that they didn't have. They wandered in the wilderness because of their lack of faith.

Speaker 3: 11:27

Their story is so much a reflection of our own lives. I'm certain that's actually why God gave us their story in print, so that we could learn. They, like us, had forgotten that God not only had done miracles for them, like rescuing them from the hand of Pharaoh by parting the Red Sea, but that God was currently doing miracles for them. For 40 years after escaping Egypt, they were provided for. They had more than enough to sustain their lives. Undoubtedly, though, the most important miracle was that God, even after all they had done, he gave his presence to them. God himself went with them. Now, because they forgot these things, they didn't trust God to continue to do miracles. God asked us to forget, but they forgot the wrong things. They forgot to remind themselves of what God had done and was doing, so their faith faltered the moment a new need arose.

Speaker 2: 12:31

We are called to forget, but not in the way that Israelites did. God asks us to forget, in the same way that he removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. When we forgive, we won't keep calling those things to mind. It's not that it didn't happen or that what happened doesn't have repercussions and consequences because, honestly, sin always does. But God asks us not to hold grudges and offenses. That's because we can't move forward, we can't go the distance, if we're letting regret hold us in the past. That's why the second secret to going the distance in your marriage is just as important as the first remembering. Both forgetting and remembering are so powerful. I don't know if I could choose one over the other. They're two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other.

Speaker 3: 13:15

It's in Joshua 3 and 4 that we find God's people at the end of this wander through the wilderness for 40 years, and the leadership is passing from Moses to Joshua. Joshua is going to be the guy to take him into the promised land, into Canaan. So what you're about to hear is how God's faithfulness far exceeds these fickle people who are so like us. It was time to cross the Jordan River into Canaan, and God gives a special word to Joshua. The Ark of the Covenant, which basically represents God's presence going with his people, is to be carried by 12 priests ahead of the people. God wanted them and all of their enemies to know that he, god, was with them.

Speaker 3: 14:06

Priests who carry the ark of the lord set foot in the jordan. Its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap. Verse 15 says the jordan is in flood stage, so it's flowing hard. Yet as soon as these priests who carry the ark touch the water's edge, the water does exactly what God says All the water from upstream stops flowing. They stood in the middle of the Jordan with the ark while the Israelites went on dry ground to the promised land.

Speaker 3: 14:45

It's amazing how God works. They didn't walk in the mud to prove his point. God knew the Israelites would falter again in their faith, and dry ground proved the miracle that God was doing before their very eyes. I love that he knows us so well. God knew them too, but he also knew that they would forget. So God asked something very unique. He tells Joshua to grab a man from each of these 12 tribes and have them carry a large stone on their shoulder from the middle of the dry riverbed to the opposite shore. Then Joshua sets up these 12 stones. Why? Joshua answers that in chapter 4, verse 21. It says in the future, when your descendants ask their parents what do these stones mean? Tell them israel crossed the jordan on dry ground. The lord, your god, did to the jordan what he has done to the red Sea. He did this so that all the people of the world might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful.

Speaker 2: 15:57

I wonder if I've ever thought about what I'm telling my kids about what God has done that's increasing their faith, that's helped them choose to serve God for themselves.

Speaker 2: 16:05

There's something really powerful about telling someone about what God has done. Over and over in the Bible we see how we're to tell the next generation how God has moved, and I think it's for three reasons. Number one, so that as the words leave our mouths, we hear with our own ears that God still works miracles. This is going to increase our faith for the next miracle that we need. Number two, so that everyone we tell, wherever they're at in their own faith, they're going to be built up, they're going to be reminded of God's faithfulness and power, which I think is going to spur them on to love and good works. And number three, so we will remember not to forget. Psalm 78 says I will teach you hidden lessons from our past stories. We have heard and known stories our ancestors handed down to us. We won't hide these truths from our children. We're going to tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord.

Speaker 3: 16:57

So what questions will your kids and your grandkids ask you? What's going to make them stop and ask why is it like this, grandpa? What are you doing that for, grandpa? If you haven't made a habit to share what God has done, let me give you some quick tips on where to begin. First, get in the habit of praying with your wife and your children every night, no matter how old they are. Take prayer requests, but also use this time to ask how should we be praising God? Take time to share what God has done and be specific about it. People will see and understand what God's done in their life as you lead, sharing your own examples. Make this an opportunity to tell about the glorious deeds of a heavenly God. Make it a time to praise and to pray with confidence in who your God is. Now, I know this could sound intimidating, but trust me, do this for two weeks and it won't be awkward, just fruitful.

Speaker 2: 17:59

So let's go back to the Israelites for just a second. They were across the Jordan now. Their shoes weren't even muddy. They were probably feeling pretty good. That was the perfect time for them to set these stones up. Why? Because we're pretty quick to prayer. Prayer, god moves in a miraculous way and not 10 minutes later we forget we even prayed it and I'm already on to the next thing. So what's something you could do, along with praying, where you could be more proactive, to remember what God has done, so that when you're having a hard time remembering because those times are going to come when you need to remember the most you're going to have it at the ready Now.

Speaker 2: 18:35

It may seem overly literal, but for many years as a family, we had our own version of this story from Joshua 3 and 4, these stones of remembrance. We have a clear glass bowl filled with smooth rocks in our house and we took a fine Sharpie marker and when a prayer was answered or something significant came that was clearly at the hands of God, we would just write it down and put the date next to it. How wonderful and how faith building it has been to sift through those stones and remind ourselves of what God has done. It's interesting, though, when I look back at those stones.

Speaker 2: 19:08

Many of those miracles that God did on our behalf required some outward expression of our faith, a step of obedience, just like the priests of Israel Remember, those waters of the Jordan were in flood stage, but here they were asked to follow what God said and put their foot in. Would they do it? Maybe they felt foolish. Maybe only half of them really thought it was going to work. Maybe a couple of them doubted that Joshua had really even heard from God. They might've been remembering their 40 years of wandering, or they might've been remembering how God had provided everything they needed during those years, and that gave them what they needed to believe God would come through again.

Speaker 3: 19:47

What is God asking you to forget in order to move forward, to cross your Jordan River into the promised land that he's promised you? Your first step into the water is likely to be one of forgiveness. We can't expect God to part the waters and make a way if we aren't willing to obey that simple request he has of us, request he has of us. Will you forgive the people that have sinned against you, just like your heavenly father has forgiven you? Can you see that your forgiveness, your obedience to be like Jesus can make an impassable wedge in your marriage actually turn into a testimony of God's grace for future generations to see? You see, when I forgive, I'm actually focusing on what God has done, not what someone else has done against me, but my eyes are fixated on his faithfulness, his consistency, his miracle-working power in my marriage. What is God asking you to remember? To hold on to, to bolster your faith, to take that first step. If nothing comes to mind or it's just a few things, go to James with me as we wrap up.

Speaker 3: 21:02

James, chapter 1, starting in verse 16, says Don't be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. Lord, I pray that we don't shift in our faith because we don't recognize that every single thing that is good is from you. Give us thankful hearts so that we don't stand at the water's edge wondering if you'll show up. Help us to remember what you've done. Help us to document it, to make it so that we don't forget, so that others in the future will be reminded that you are powerful, that you are present, that you are enough powerful that you are present, that you are enough.

Speaker 3: 21:52

Hebrews 11.1 says Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Choosing to forget, to not let terrible things of our past roll over and over in our minds again and again, is faith in action. Every time we let unmet expectations and wrongdoings of other people be given to the Lord, it's faith in action. Choosing to remember the goodness of God, how he's brought us through the tough times again and again. Is faith building in action? It's believing that God is not surprised at how things have turned out, but instead remembering he's in control, he's reigning, sovereign over my life and my marriage right now.

Speaker 2: 22:45

Will you choose to live out the two secrets that will help you and your spouse go the distance in your marriage Forgetting by forgiving and remembering to build your faith. To live out the two secrets that will help you and your spouse go the distance in your marriage Forgetting by forgiving and remembering to build your faith? We believe you won't see the finish line without these two essential ingredients. And finally, will you help your spouse know these two secrets? They might not know how to move forward right now. They might be having a difficult time hearing God's voice, maybe even knowing what the next step is. Hebrews 3, 12 and 13 has a calling for you and your marriage today. It says See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God, the cure. Encourage one another every day while it's still called today, so that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Speaker 3: 23:31

Tonight with your spouse. Can I ask you to talk about that, to talk about what God has done, to have some of those remember when conversations and then be the one to document it and to initiate a prayer of praise to a God who is worthy. God is powerful enough. He's faithful enough to entrust with your past. If you've asked forgiveness, it's been granted. Can I ask you to forget the past, to no longer be defined by Satan's condemnation. Forget what you need to and remember what you're called to.

Speaker 1: 24:07

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