The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

From Battlefield to Ally: Transforming Your Marriage :: [Ep. 293]

• David & Tracy Sellars

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

If the battle lines are drawn within your home, your marriage. Join us today on Vows to Keep Radio, as we have a conversation about how to change from a war in your marriage to a war for your marriage. We'll unpack what the difference is, as well as why being content with the status quo probably doesn't fulfill the higher calling God has for your marriage. God is more than able to change the fights from within to two allies working together against sin, full of grace. How? The answer in today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, David and Tracy, Sellers of Vows to Keep. We're biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you are definitely in the right place.

Speaker 3:

So the question, Tracy, we're wrestling with is are you at war in your marriage or are you at war for your marriage? Maybe you're not sure. Well, let's talk through it. Some of us know we didn't marry the perfect spouse. Wars and marriage start over the littlest battles. Some of you carefully pinch and fold the toothpaste roll in a methodical way. No toothpaste left behind, that's the motto. The cap goes on to ensure it's hermetically sealed and others just kind of squeeze it out. They waste the leftovers the cap has been lost after the first use and they throw it in the drawer.

Speaker 2:

Let's talk toilet paper. Who's a top feeder, who's a bottom feeder?

Speaker 3:

Do you agree on what time to go to bed and what night lights to leave on? Kids always complicate that one. We sometimes fight about the correct way to load the dishwasher.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my way is right.

Speaker 3:

We war in marriage about the right way to drive.

Speaker 2:

We war in marriage about where to spend the holidays.

Speaker 3:

We war in marriage about leaving clutter around the house. We war in marriage about eating the other person's leftovers.

Speaker 2:

We war in marriage with a husband who's just listening, as opposed to being a husband who's solving.

Speaker 3:

We wore in marriage about the TV volume, about where the shoes go, about wet sponges in the sink, about checking phones at dinner, and now it's that time of year that we wore in marriage about the temperature to set the thermostat on. This is war in your marriage. It's me wanting to serve me. It's me wanting you to serve me. War for your marriage looks like this, and before I tell you this story, I want to share that every story we're going to tell are from real people. However, these scenarios represent dozens of people. In fact, it may even be a story you can relate with personally.

Speaker 3:

We're going to call the first couple, greg and Sandy. Their marriage had a history of some challenges and eventually had a lot of sexual isolation. So Greg turns to porn, and you can see my point. This happens to a lot of people. Now. He doesn't want to be caught by his wife, so he uses his work computer and he gets caught by his job. Well, of course, he then loses his job. There's no way to explain the loss of his job, though, to everyone who's curious, because outwardly he's competent, he's dedicated. There's no way to deny the facts. It's a very public blow for Greg and Sandy.

Speaker 2:

We sit down with this couple and she asks this question have you ever tried to have sex with someone that you hate? Her husband was saying the words. I'm sorry, but eventually those words had very little meaning to her. She was asking the question do I have the biblical right to leave him? Our challenge was to ask a different question. Would she be willing to not count the cost, but rather to make an investment? Would she work on building a biblically healthy marriage that would eventually lead to a sexually healthy marriage?

Speaker 3:

Now to the husband. We talked about repentance and I said I know you think you've done this verbally in some ways, but putting it into writing is going to open up some time for you to actually think about it and, more importantly, to back up your statements with scripture. So, greg, be thoughtful about the words you use. And I want to say this this isn't just for Greg. You can fight for your marriage today with a right heart, whether you're at war over the toilet paper roll or the big stuff like Greg was dealing with. If it's me pushing for my agenda, if it's centered in selfishness, it is sin. Now, the serious and big sins and the little sins they both need repentance. So let's take a minute and walk through how to fight for your marriage with repentance. Now, to be clear, conviction of sin is not repentance. Repentance includes conviction. But as a sinner, you can be deeply convicted and still not repent. Felix is an illustration of this. We find that in Acts 24. Sorrow for sin is not repentance. It's possibly deeply sorry and yet not yield to repentance. Look up 2 Corinthians 7.9 and what you're going to notice is that sorrow actually leads to repentance. So that's an important note. Hatred of sin is not repentance either. Repentance certainly includes this. But it's possible to hate sin and not turn from it. And I think every time we see our spouse's sin, of course we hate it. I'd argue nobody can repent without hating sin. But hating sin alone is not repentance, because your hatred of your spouse's sin does nothing for their repentance. Promising to be better is not repentance.

Speaker 3:

Many people make a lifelong habit of doing just this. It's not just putting those sins at arm's length, but still wanting the fruit of them. You've got to deal with the root of the sin. I will do it God's way. It's a change of feeling. It's an emotional experience. It's a change of purpose, a change of will. It's a change of conduct. It's a moral experience. Repentance is not one of these things. It's all of it combined together. Repentance results in a change of mind. The change of mind involved in true repentance is so radical that, as a sinner, it changes my attitude completely. It changes how I think about God. It changes how I think about sin and even how I think about myself.

Speaker 2:

Repentance is a divine gift. The gift of repentance is seen in the preaching of the gospel. When we look up Acts 2, 38 through 41. The goodness of God leads me to repentance. Romans 2, 4 tells us this. When we consider the love of God, especially the gift of his son who went to the cross for us, then we are brought to repentance. 1 Peter 2, 24. God uses the effects of the wars in our marriage to bring us to a point where we want something different. Trials are instruments in the hands of God for bringing men and women to repentance, bringing them to himself.

Speaker 3:

And for Greg as we work through repentance. We also talked about accountability, about taking initiative to find work and being honest with that future employer, owning it but clearly not being defined by it anymore.

Speaker 2:

And for Sandy. We talked about how to fight for her marriage, and that for her began with forgiveness, and that might be where it begins with you today. Forgiveness starts with belief. That leads to decision, that leads to a change in our actions and our attitude and that leads to the emotion that we were looking for originally to start the process of forgiveness in the first place. Most people wait for the emotion before they forgive, but emotion is the result, not the starting point. We challenged Sandy to go build up her husband as a helpmate to him, versus publicly or privately shaming him. She needed to stop conversations that were declaring things were just his fault. She needs to stop considerations of ending the marriage absolved of wrongdoing. War for your marriage is a command to us as believers. War for your marriage is a covenant lived out. War for your marriage is an investment made here with treasures laid up in heaven.

Speaker 3:

Now let's contrast that with war in your marriage, because it has costs as well. But there's no gain, there's no fruit, and it's kind of funny when you see people that are still fighting, even through a divorce. It took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, including their retirement accounts, their real estate and even the custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day they had, four hours with an attorney, was spent arguing about how to split time with the dog For the kid they literally put as agreed upon by parties, but the dog had a strict calendar, working out holidays and strict pickup and drop-off times, and she was convinced he'd put the dog down. And he's saying listen, no, the dog. Dogs are man's best friend, not women's. So this case goes to trial over the dog.

Speaker 3:

They fought harder for a dog than they did their marriage. They fought more for what served them in the joy of that dog than what served God through the resurrection of their marriage. They wasted tens of thousands of dollars focused on the wrong point. Why did they do it? It's a mystery. The truth, though, is what matters to us is visible inside our homes, it's in our decisions, it's in our conversations, our attitudes, because when you're helping me to achieve what I want, you're an ally, you're an asset, but when you're an obstacle to me getting in the way of what I want, you become the enemy. It's tempting to focus on what breaks us apart, whether it's the little things or the big things, but can I challenge you to think about why God created your marriage in the first place?

Speaker 2:

We asked the question why should I fight for my marriage when I don't see the purpose, when all I feel is burned out? David talked about the word mystery a few minutes ago. Let's dig into that a little bit. Mystery in the New Testament only rarely refers to what we might think of as mystery, something curious that remains puzzling or uncertain. Rather, mystery in the New Testament means what was hidden in the past, but it's now been revealed in light of Christ's coming.

Speaker 2:

Mystery is not a secret to keep, but a truth to tell. Let's look at two of Paul's examples. The first one is in Colossians, chapter one. He says I rejoice in what I'm suffering for. I'm suffering for you.

Speaker 2:

I've become the church's servant by the commission that God gave me. I want to present to you the word of God in all of its fullness, the mystery that's been kept hidden for ages and generations but now has been disclosed to the Lord's people, that's us as believers. He says to them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. When someone sees you acting in love, they see Jesus. He is the one we proclaim. Paul goes on to say admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. Mystery is not a secret to keep, but a truth to tell. Here's an important side note your suffering might not come in the form of being in prison like Paul. It'll probably come in the form of your flesh dying, your wants, your dreams, your preferences being crucified. Paul felt suffering was part of his commission, and Jesus tells us it's part of ours as well.

Speaker 3:

Now Ephesians 5.31 talks about another mystery. It says Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church. Wait, what If the mystery that this is talking about isn't kind of the classic boy meets girl. The stars align. There's love at first sight, romantic love story that we so classically admire. What is it? What's the mystery? Let's think about it this way as long as we can look back in history, all over the world people married and were given in marriage. It's been happening across cultures and societies. People have felt a pull not to just have kids but to actually commit in marriage, and for generations they probably didn't even know God's deeper reason why Mysteries often have value. There's a treasure. If you knew the mystery held a reward for you, wouldn't you pursue it?

Speaker 2:

Let's look at one of Jesus' teachings from Matthew, chapter 13. He's talking about this great mystery. The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again and then, in his joy, went and sold all he had and he bought that field Again. The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

Speaker 3:

Now Paul is not saying the mystery is too profound to understand. He's not approaching some marriage ambiguity. He is declaring a powerful, clear, compelling truth to tell Be all in. The mystery, long hidden, is now public.

Speaker 3:

Human marriage points to a covenant God in love with a flawed people. We're to pursue with all we have. Risk, all you have. Your marriage is of great value.

Speaker 3:

The marriage comparison to Christ in the church is not a secret to keep. It is a truth to tell. But there is indeed some great mysteries to marriage. Why did God design the world this way? Why two sexes? Why one male and one female? Why is one called to lead, to provide, to protect and shoulder final responsibility, with the other called to actively receive, to beautify, to strengthen, to humbly initiate care? Why is it a dance between two different roles, rather than just two of the same? God made your marriage and this design for a reason. We find here the same pattern we've seen elsewhere.

Speaker 3:

A mystery in the past has now become known. With the coming of Christ, god's greatest secrets are out, and one of the best is marriage One man, one woman and a covenant for life. Why did God choose to do this? Your marriage was not created for the purpose of your pleasure. It was created to tell the world, starting with your spouse, who Jesus is and his deep love for them. What we're talking about here is your purpose as a husband. You're called to lay down your life, to set your preferences aside, like Christ did, and to give, without regard for how it will return to you, a model of Christ's love for his bride, the church. That is the great mystery in action.

Speaker 2:

Knowing our purpose as a wife is so powerful to fighting for our marriages. As wives, we are called to love like Christ loved. We're called to submit like Christ did to his father. We're called to help and build up like Christ does for his church. Purpose is what enables us to set aside the fight for what we want, to fight for what God intended A relationship that glorifies him and shows God's love to our spouse in every moment of every day. Take this home with you today. War in your marriage puts your purpose on display. War for your marriage puts God's purpose on display.

Speaker 2:

We all have sin affecting our marriages, and infidelity is a really common thing that we see. The next story I'm going to tell you is really multiple people's stories. Let's talk about Jeff and Jane's for just a moment here. It was the second marriage for each of them and, as you can imagine, mistrust was already a seed that had been planted before they even met. They've been married six, seven years now and they're just going through the motions.

Speaker 2:

Jeff meets some friends who take him to church and before long he gives his life to the Lord. He starts changing things in their home no more parties, no more drugs, no more alcohol. But Jane's not there yet. She hooks up with a guy who's living on the edge. He makes her feel alive. But Jeff finds out and now she's trapped in a lie. God uses this sin to help Jane see that she needs Jesus. She's spiritually dead, so she gives her life to the Lord. Praise God. But Jeff's studying the Bible and he's realizing that he's permitted to divorce her because of what she's done. But his Christian friends are telling him now is the time to lean into her man, now's the time to be like Jesus. But his flesh is saying make her pay. And for months this is hanging in the air between them. His wife is carrying the weight of unforgiveness into every interaction they have. A conversation can only go so far. When unforgiveness is looming in between them, she can't see how to move forward. Neither can he.

Speaker 3:

Jeff didn't grow up in a church. He'd only been saved a few months. He knew God's grace covered his sin. Could he be a living testimony and extend the same grace to his wife? I know seasoned Christians who need to wrestle with this same lesson. They love God's grace for themselves, but could they share it with someone who's wronged them deeply? These might be stories like your own, or maybe you're not in a bad place in your marriage, but can I challenge you to step past a place of contentment for how your marriage is blessing you and lean into what it will take to testify about what Jesus is doing in your life and your marriage.

Speaker 2:

Problems in my marriage and the pride in wanting to keep them secret keeps me from the very people that God has given to be a part of mentorship and accountability for me in my life. When I hold tight to my pride and my isolation, it's really depressing and it becomes all consuming. Satan locks me in my own little self-made jail. I've got someone really close to me in my family whose marriage has been bound by this. My marriage has been bound by this at times.

Speaker 3:

Marriage defines and protects the most influential human relationship. God says your wife should be more influential than your mom and your dad, more influential than the kids that come from your marriage, as precious as they are, more influential than any best friend. And God declared this. Don't miss this. He's the one who did the joining. In Matthew 19, jesus talks about this principle of leaving your father and mother, and he quotes Genesis 2.24. He says what God has joined together, let no man separate. So Jesus makes it very clear it's God. But he also makes this declaration no one separates these two. I built this. It is a display of my love. When we're at war in our marriage for what I want, guess what? I'm the one doing the separating and God doesn't bless us.

Speaker 3:

I can't tell you how many times I've seen people pleading in prayer for relief, for distance from their spouse and all of the effects of their sin. But you know what God made you one. You're not there because it's easy. You're there because your spouse wasn't designed to do battle with this sin alone. This means that you've got to watch what are the lies they're believing in real time. Can you show them how God feels about them?

Speaker 3:

This is not easy. You're going to experience suffering when your spouse's sin affects your life and you speak love to them on Jesus' behalf. It will be frustrating, it will take energy you don't have, but it will be something you can gladly do because you have experienced God's love and you want your spouse to know that love as well. I want to make something really clear that could be confusing for some listeners. I'm not saying that marriage should be peaceful and whoever brings up the hard topics is the bad guy. That is not separating. Separating is knowing things aren't good and preferring the silence. Jesus has a higher calling for your marriage. So what do you need to do if you need change, if you see that you've not been fighting for your marriage? You've been fighting in your marriage.

Speaker 2:

First of all, you need to repent, like we talked about earlier, Even if you see you only own 5% of the wrong, be specific about what you're asking for forgiveness for and don't blame shift to them for their 95% In fact. Don't even bring it up. Forgive your spouse for things they may not even seek forgiveness about. You can tell them, but there is value in doing so without telling them to Let your actions speak. You need a bold, confident faith to suffer while doing good, and God will give you that To work for your marriage. You need to show Christ's love to your spouse when it's least deserved. Suffering for doing good doesn't sound like a skill that I want to perfect. The Bible clearly points out that mature Christians have mastered the ability to joyfully give while standing in the fire.

Speaker 3:

You need to see the bigger picture purpose for your marriage. It's not about you. We have a higher calling. You want your kids to know God. Show them his power enables you to fulfill his purpose. Next, get truth. Get educated on God's word. Study the scriptures about God's character. We've got a number of broadcasts that you can listen to. Feel free to email us at resources, at vows, to keepcom, and mention this broadcast.

Speaker 3:

Get real with the body of Christ, not by going and dumping all of your woes on someone. This is not about venting. I'm, in fact, being very clear here. I don't want you to gossip. This isn't about going to complain. This is about sharing your struggles with the purpose of changing your heart to be able to follow Christ's instruction. A teachable heart is one that seeks to be godly and fights for your marriage. Finally, don't let Satan have you or your spouse or your marriage. Micah 7 and 8 has a passage I love. It says I want to close with this I will rise Though I sit in the darkness, the Lord will be my light. I want to close with this.

Speaker 3:

While being inducted into the Pentagon's Hall of Heroes, army Staff Sergeant David Bolivia issued a warning to anyone who might want to go toe-to-toe with the United States. He said they're watching our every move. They may be watching this right now. He spoke of his troops this way. He said it doesn't matter if your dad left you millions when you died or if you even knew who your father was. We have been honed into a machine of lethal moving parts that you would be wise to avoid if you know what's good for you. We will not be intimidated. We will not back down. We've seen war. We don't want war, but if you want war with the united states of america, there is one thing I could promise you. So help me god. Someone else will raise your sons and daughters. We fight so our children never have to. We fight so that anyone out there thinking about raising arms against our citizens realizes the futility of going against a disciplined, professional and lethal force built to withstand anything you can dream of throwing at us. What a powerful statement.

Speaker 3:

You see, in your marriage, your spouse has an enemy too. His name is Satan, and he's wanting to go toe-to-toe with them. You are their godly appointed ally. Satan watches. His goal isn't to kill per se but, as Christians, to make our lives tell a lie. He doesn't want husbands who love, like Christ. He doesn't want wives who submit like the church. He doesn't want your marriage to tell those who see it about a Jesus who saves. Satan knows weakness, temptation are his tools. Can he make you selfish enough to create tension in your marriage? Make no mistake, we will always be at war. Those who are at war in their marriage, they rarely make it. But those who fight for their marriage, who leave a legacy their children will build upon.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

Host
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Tracy Sellars

Host