Restart Your Marriage Revolution :: [Ep. 292]

Chapters

• 0:00 Marriage Change Starts Here
• 6:28 The Illusion of Instant Change
• 14:08 The Cycle of Change Framework
• 19:43 Breaking the Cycle: Satan's Tactics

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:28

Want to see change in your marriage. Start here. Does your marriage need to be refreshed, remodeled, rebuilt from the ground up? We all have things we'd like to be different between us. We know that marriage problems come in all shapes and sizes. Now, david and I can't peek into your house today. We can't listen in on your conversations and your arguments, but we can dig into God's word together and discover God's amazing plan for marriage and how it's possible for each of us to attain that.

Speaker 2: 0:57

If you want to see a revolution within your home, your marriage, join us today on Vows to Keep Radio, as we have a conversation about how to start the process of change in your relationship. We'll unpack what we call the cycle of change and then learn how to restart it. When things between the two of you grind to a halt, god is more than able to take what's broken in your marriage and bring lasting change that will bless you more than you can imagine how the answer may surprise you in today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, david and Tracy, sellers of Vows to Keep. We're biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place. Wish upon a star in the blink of an eye, the snap of a finger, quick as lightning abracadabra. If only we could change our circumstances or our marriage so easily. Just quick, get it done with. Wake up tomorrow with all of our troubles over and our secret wishes granted. It reminds me of a good friend of my parents.

Speaker 2: 2:06

Growing up, mark was a kind, godly man but always struggled financially. He had a steady, yet entry-level job that didn't quite meet his family's needs. Mark often told my dad how he prayed for God to give him a different job. Now the God I know is perfectly capable of answering that prayer, but for Mark it never happened. He faithfully swept the floors of his workplace, he stocked the shelves, but you know what? His phone never rang with the news of a job offer.

Speaker 2: 2:33

As I tell you the story, I realized I left out one very important detail. Not once in all of Mark's adult life did he ever put in an application for another job. Never did he scour the want ads and make a phone call or let any other employer know he was ready and available to make a change. Mark's kids were my age and I watched their family go without so many times. I know a decent, paying job isn't the end-all be-all for happiness, but oh how I wished for more for them Clean clothes, a decent roof over their heads, a reliable car that could get them to church and school. I wanted to knock on his door myself and take him to the nearest employment agency. Just do something. I seem to shout at him inside my head. But I think that Mark's story is really an example for all of us, for me, for you.

Speaker 2: 3:22

Faith in action is often what I'm missing in my own life. Where am I spiritually or relationally starving? Where am I going without? Not because someone or because God is withholding something from me, but because I'm seeing the reality of James 2.17, that faith by itself isn't enough played out in my own life. It it says unless faith produces good deeds, it's dead and it's useless.

Speaker 2: 3:47

I believe God wanted Mark's involvement in getting from where he was at financially to where he needed to be for the sake of his family, to prepare a resume, to follow through on a phone call, to get trained for the job that would fit him best. Just like I believe God is inviting us to resign from our role of onlooker or professional armchair warmer or comfort zone controller in our marriages and to be all in for this relationship, to live Ephesians 2.10 right within our daily interactions with our spouse. That verse I just alluded to says that we are God's masterpiece. He's created us anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things that he planned for us. Long ago, god gave us the faith in him, he created us anew in Christ and set his plan of action in place for the rest of our lives. God has specific work for us to do in our marriages, and he's asking us to get involved.

Speaker 2: 4:43

The snap of a finger healing sounds better though, doesn't it? God? Just make these difficult feelings go away. Just get us back to where we started. Get us to where you want to take us. I'm glad you want change. That is so good today. You see what could be different, and if the change is making either you or your spouse or your marriage more Christ-like, then let me tell you those are God given desires. Hang on to them. God is certainly capable of taking your husband or your wife and making their greatest, most hurtful sin just disappear. You could wake up tomorrow and find that you are married to a near perfect human, but that's not how God works. God is not going to miraculously reach down and heal or change your marriage without you being involved in the restoration. He wants all of your heart to be subject to him, tethered to his irrevocably.

Speaker 2: 5:35

The God I serve is the God of Psalm 18, who shot his arrows and scattered his enemies. Great bolts of lightning flashed and they were confused. Verse 15 says Then, at your command, o Lord, at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen and the foundations of the earth were laid bare. Verse 16 of Psalm 18 says he reached down from heaven and he rescued me. He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. But I also know he's the God who became fully man, while still being fully God, so that he could live among us, showing us how to live for him within our relationships, and that includes our marriages.

Speaker 2: 6:16

Jesus' earthly life was not neat and tidy, it was messy. He got right in among complicated situations because he loved people. He loved us. He created us even though our sinful chaos would begin straight away. Right in the Garden of Eden, he walked with Adam and Eve. He talked with them daily. He entrusted his creation to them even though he knew what was going to happen. God created marriage even though he knew what would happen. He knew you and your spouse would need to turn to him for your every need. God created us for relationship and let me say this really clearly he did not create us for perfect relationship. Yet his design is perfect. He didn't make a mistake in creating man and woman. He didn't make a mistake in creating marriage and family and friendships, and he didn't make a mistake creating your marriage. He created marriage so that you would live within its perfect crucible to learn how he loves his bride, the church. He created family and the body of Christ so that you would rely on him completely for everything. God himself lives within relationship. Think about it. He lives within the Trinity. He lives within us when things are hard. God's not going to change who he is and he's not going to change his design. He is perfect and his design is perfect.

Speaker 2: 7:36

The restoration of your marriage today starts with the restoration of your relationship with Jesus. He's inviting you to come back today to your first love. Now the two may sound completely unconnected, but oh, they are so intricately intertwined. Just like Mark couldn't get a new job unless he took action, he went all in. You and I can't get the ball rolling for change in our marriages without starting at square one and pushing that ball down the hill. What's square one for God With our Savior? It always comes back to the heart. His is a rescue mission. Reflect on that passage we read from Psalm 18. He isn't just showing off scattering the enemy or using a blast of his breath to lay the sea bear. He is on the move with a purpose, swooping in to show King David that he'll move heaven and earth to get to him. That's what God did for us with Jesus. It's the greatest rescue mission ever. This is going to get really practical right here.

Speaker 2: 8:35

If you're looking for change in your marriage, I'd like to think of what I'm going to describe to you as a cycle. Let's call it the cycle of change. I like to think of what I'm going to describe to you as a cycle. Picture a graphic like a clock, and if you're a visual person, you can download it in our free resource this week. It's got eight sections that are all in a circle with arrows in between, one leading to the next, and, just like a clock, you can't skip ahead to get back to noon. You have to go through all the others to complete the cycle. I'm going to quickly walk through all eight of them one by one right now, but later on in the broadcast I'll explain them in detail. And, like I said, I highly recommend you download this week's resource so you can follow along. You'll find that at VowsToKeepcom, on our podcast tab, the cycle of change goes like this Number one God first loved us.

Speaker 2: 9:26

Two God calls us to love him back. Three we say yes to his love and salvation. Four we now know what love is because we've experienced it for ourselves when we were rescued from death to life. Number five we draw near to God to understand him and his love more deeply. Number six we obey God because now we know his way is best, and this knowing provides a natural and instantaneous overflow of obedience. And this knowing provides a natural and instantaneous overflow of obedience. Number seven our obedience is shown in loving others, and loving others show that we truly know God's love for us. And number eight. As we complete the cycle, we find our truest joy and peace, our happy place, remembering that God first loved us. That's the cycle of change.

Speaker 2: 10:10

You could probably find yourself in one of the sections along the cycle, but more than likely you're somewhere in between one of the sections, stuck and wondering how to get back on. The good news is this cycle can restart as many times as we need, and, trust me, I need to restart it daily. That first section, remembering that God first loved me and called out to me, always kickstarts me back on the right track again. Before we jump into each of these sections individually, let's talk first about where you might be today. Something along the way has caused you to get off track Me too. That's why we're searching for solutions, and that's a good place to be Searching, and being willing to listen to God's voice leading us back into the cycle is really the best place.

Speaker 2: 10:52

Jesus tells us in John 16, 33, that here on earth we're going to have lots of trials and sorrows. He says, but take heart, I have overcome the world. We should count on trouble being part of our marriages, but we should also count on God's promises that he will bring peace and victory, even through the trials. Our enemy would like nothing less than to break up the cycle. If we're already Christians, he can't take that away from us, but he can use and he will use every form of lie and deceit he can think of to try to stop us midway or prevent us from getting back to that all-important starting point. So what's he been using with you lately? What have you listened to that's caused you to trip and fall out of the cycle, or maybe even jump out on purpose? Here's some things that break the cycle for me Listening to lies, feeling the fear, sin sneaking in, faltering in my faith and then ending up floundering in frustration.

Speaker 2: 11:47

Those things lead me to refuse to obey. They lead me to a place of indifference and carelessness, isolation and worship of self. Let's start with Satan's game of listening to lies, and I'm going to put this at the top of the list for what freezes our hearts up, what stops change from happening. And I think it belongs at the top because the other ones can't happen unless this first takes place. Lies are Satan's end game. It's his MO, the obvious way he trips us up. He will work tirelessly your entire life to get you to believe the opposite of what God says. He's pretty crafty at it, though. It comes in subtly, it comes in slowly. Your marriage will never change, he says. Your husband will never love you fully. You'd be better off on your own. Be careful here. You won't even notice the lies being whispered in your ear. They're going to seem justifiable and very reasonable at the moment. That's why you need to be grounded in God's word every single day. It's the only way you're going to recognize a voice that's counterfeit.

Speaker 2: 12:48

Fear comes as a direct result of believing Satan's lies, of not believing the truth. 1 John 4.18 says Whoever fears has not been made perfect in love. It doesn't say whoever doesn't love hasn't been made perfect in love. There's an important distinction Knowing God and believing in his love personally for you will cause you to love others. Whoever doesn't love has not known God. 1 John 4.8 says If you're not acting or if you're frozen because of fear, it's not that you don't want to love. You're letting fear keep you from fully trusting God's love for you, and that's causing you to not love your spouse like you should. You're letting the lies feed the fear.

Speaker 2: 13:31

Lies also allow sin to sneak in. About a hundred years ago, a man named Samuel Bringle, a commissioner in the Salvation Army who was well known for teaching on holiness, said this sin does not leap upon us fully armed. It steals in through a look, a swift, silent suggestion or imagination. But love and loyalty to Jesus will make you watchful and swift to rise up and cast out the subtle enemy. Do this and you shall live, and live victoriously. Once, while riding on a subway together, a close friend asked Mr Bringle, commissioner, you've been a teacher of holiness for many, many years. Tell me, what kind of temptations do you have? Bringle responded only one, like I said only one, yes, only one. That is to move out of my intimate relationship with Christ. When, by carelessness, indifference and failure to attend to him and his work, I find myself drifting out of that intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus, and every other temptation comes in and I am vulnerable.

Speaker 2: 14:30

Bringle could have followed up his profound yet simple statements with scripture from James, chapter 4, that says Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. You see, when we place ourselves under the authority of God's word, we've set ourselves up for success. We've said God, you are what I'm going to follow, not my feelings, which typically lead me to sin. But then something will happen and I don't feel like I'm getting the results that I want and I begin to falter in my faith. So let's talk about that for a minute.

Speaker 2: 15:02

This is a biggie for me, maybe for you too. When I fumble in my faith, it's because I've taken my eyes off my Savior. I forget that the grace I've been given was a gift that I didn't earn, I didn't deserve. In my forgetfulness, I get busy trying to do things my way, and that makes me weary to my core. I love the honest statement of belief and admission of needing help that the father of a demon-possessed boy made to Jesus. The dad says I believe, but Lord, help my unbelief. Jesus answers that kind of prayer. He reaches down from heaven and he rescues us. He draws us out of the deep waters that we're in. Lord, I just pray right now that you would help us to keep our eyes on you, trusting that your timing and your design is perfect and remembering that you are up to something good. When I don't actively believe that God is working, I flounder in frustration and that's where I tend to give up. Perfect, the enemy says right where I wanted her, I'll keep her there by feeding her lies that lead to being frozen in fear and tell her that sin is going to free her up from being stuck. Her faith will falter when sin doesn't provide what she needs and she'll flounder in frustration to the point where she ends her marriage, even if it's only in her heart. The perfect plan executed.

Speaker 2: 16:16

Hi, this is Tracy from Vows to Keep Radio. We're asking you to help us become fully funded so Vows to Keep has the financial resources to keep sharing hope with marriages like yours. God is growing this ministry tremendously and the testimonies we hear confirm that God's word does not return void. Right now we need an additional $6,500 a month. Would you consider becoming a monthly partner with us to build biblically healthy marriages? We're asking 100 families to give $50 a month and 60 families to give $25 a month. Preferably, make your best gift at vowstokeepcom.

Speaker 2: 16:53

When you feel stagnant, when your marriage feels like it will never be any different than it is right now, when you've been listening to lies, when you've gotten stuck in sin and frozen in fear, god has given you a way to restart the cycle. Go back to square one. Do you recall what the first section was in the cycle of change. Remember that God first loved you. That's where we have to start. It's always the way to restart the cycle.

Speaker 2: 17:20

And number two then he calls us to love him. In response, he's saying I want a relationship with you. I do love you, but I want you to love me too. And number three we can say yes again and again, not to salvation, for that can never be taken from us, nor do we need to ask for it over and over, but yes to Jesus, yes to his word, yes to walking in communion with him again. And number four my heart softens as I say yes to God and I begin to understand love, because I've been rescued, I've been made new.

Speaker 2: 17:50

And number five in the cycle of change understanding his love makes me want to draw closer to him. As I do that, every day, I experience for myself who he is and I long to walk in his love. I begin to abide in it. And six as I abide in Jesus, my love for him grows. I want what he wants. The most natural thing for me to do becomes obeying his spirit and his word. And number seven our abiding in him is shown in loving others, and loving others is the purest expression of our obedience to him, who has captured our entire heart. Others is the purest expression of our obedience to him, who has captured our entire heart. And finally, number eight loving him and loving like him become my purest and greatest joys.

Speaker 2: 18:29

I'd like to say that if I ever find myself wondering how I can begin the cycle of change in my marriage, I can always restart with the first step and take myself around the whole cycle to get restarted. That would be a nice blanket statement, but the truth is I have to do all these things every single day. I can't skip a day and I can't skip a step. There's no way I will be willing to let God change me, to be willing to let God use me to help change my spouse, to be an instrument of change for my marriage, unless in my heart I go through this cycle every single day. Let me explain that. There's no way I could say yes to God without first recalling his love for me. There's no way I would want to obey his word and his spirit if I haven't spent time with him, truly getting to know him, so that it's just second nature to surrender everything. There's no way I can want to do that without a step of faith and saying yes to God and no to the way I think is best.

Speaker 2: 19:25

Not one of the steps in the cycle of change can take place without the one prior to it. If you're looking to be happy, which is really step eight, and your marriage isn't delivering that, start with step one and work your way around the cycle. That peace, that victory comes first by a humble faith, knowing that God is who he says he is, that he is perfect and his design for marriage is perfect. Will we believe that today? Hebrews 11, 6 says without faith it's impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must first believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. God, I believe that you are who you say you are and that your promises are true In faith. I believe that you will bless me when I seek you and choose to say yes to you, even in the hardest of moments. Remember, mark, from the beginning of our talk today.

Speaker 2: 20:19

Healing and change follows close on the heels of not missing the next step of the cycle. For you, in this moment, I want you to identify what's gotten you off track and will you be willing to start from square one again. Where do you need to obey? What is God asking you to do? Where is he asking you to believe? God isn't going to miraculously reach down and heal or change your marriage without you being involved in the restoration. He's got a rescue mission in mind, and it starts with your own heart. If you will allow your heart to be shaped and made more and more like his in his master craftsman's hands, your marriage will begin to change. Not because you wake up tomorrow with everything perfect, but because you're willing to be moldable right in the middle of the mess. Before we end today, I want to camp for just a minute on the step of obedience and the cycle of change.

Speaker 2: 21:14

This week I challenge you to read Psalm 18 and John chapter 14 through chapter 17. Read Psalm 18 and John chapter 14 through chapter 17. King David of Psalm 18 was not a perfect guy, but he was willing to strive to obey God. In John 14 through 17, you're going to get such a clear picture of Jesus' heart for you, how to abide in him and how love for him and how knowing him plays such an integral role in actively doing the things that he planned long ago for you to do right in your messy marriage. It's easy to think that we're either all alone in this or that we've got this on our own. But Jesus makes it clear that we can't obey in isolation. He's not going to bring you answers while you're listening to lies within your little walled off world of isolation. That's not how he works.

Speaker 2: 22:03

In the chapters from John that I want you to read this week, jesus tells his disciples that they will be able to remember what he taught them because he was going to send the Holy Spirit. There's the first grouping today you and the Holy Spirit. But even that doesn't grasp the whole picture. Jesus says in John 16, 12, I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own. He will speak only what he hears and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will glorify me, because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That's why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.

Speaker 2: 22:46

You're no longer in isolation. The Father is speaking to Jesus, to speak to the Holy Spirit, to speak to you. The love that the Father has for us is the heartbeat of everything that he's going to tell Jesus, to tell the Holy Spirit, to tell you Will you share the heart of the Father then with your spouse? Change and healing always come when we abide in him and are obedient to his word, when you follow Christ's example in teaching and love and forgiveness. The healing is a supernatural outcome. That's God's word, it's powerful, it's healing, it's enough.

Speaker 2: 23:17

Samuel Brangle, when asked about his secret to holiness, replied Keep in the will of God, obey him, seek him daily, waiting at his gates, read the Bible regularly, never neglect secret prayer. Keep testifying to the grace bestowed upon you and help others. No man is perfect. Your marriage will not be perfect, but Samuel Brangle knew the key to starting the cycle over again, and now you know it too. Start at the beginning, start with God's love for you and then follow the cycle all the way around to the end, keeping close watch for both you and your spouse, for where you each get stuck easily or where you each fall off the track.

Speaker 1: 23:54

Pray for yourself, pray for your spouse, pray for your marriage, lord, I believe, and pastoral advisors, if you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.