The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Myth Busters: The Truths Your Marriage Needs :: [Ep. 287]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 287

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Myth Busters: The Truths Your Marriage Needs :: [Ep. 287]

This week, we expose common marriage myths that contradict biblical truth, challenging listeners to build marriages on God's design rather than cultural expectations.

We will cover the following:

• Online advice often seeks to validate decisions we've already made rather than offer true biblical guidance
• Marriage isn't meant to be 50-50 but 100-100, with both spouses giving completely as Christ did
• Feelings of being "in love" naturally fluctuate; the key is pleasing Jesus first, not demanding validation from your spouse
• Children won't save a troubled marriage; fix your foundation before expanding your family
• Kids need to see not just conflict resolution but also forgiveness and grace modeled in your marriage
• Being on mission together for God's kingdom creates stronger bonds than pursuing personal happiness

We pray you are helped and encouraged!! 


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we have made Vows to Keep.

Speaker 3:

I was trying to look up something for Vows to Keep the other day online and it was on my phone and I ran across this article that had 30 plus suggestions of ways to know that your marriage has pretty much come to an end. And of course I had to read it because we represent just the total opposite of what this article was saying. And it course I had to read it because we represent just the total opposite of what this article was saying and it was giving readers basically a couple dozen lies that would excuse them from staying in their marriage. The writer said if you can picture your spouse with another person and you're okay with that, you can end your marriage. It's totally fine. Or if you just don't feel invested in them anymore, you don't want to hear about their problems. It really brings you down to talk with them. Well, guess what? You can end your marriage.

Speaker 2:

So I picture someone who's in a tough time and they're searching for marriage advice online and they find this article. Oh, that's me, they say to themselves, because most people that are looking on the internet are seeking approval for the way that they feel they might be thinking that they're looking for advice, but they're really just looking for validation. Can I go forward with what I'm already thinking? And Christians are not exempt from this, even though I think a lot of times we like to think that we are. So we ask our friends leading questions to get them to agree with us about how awful our marriage is. We seek advice that's going to justify us leaving, just giving us license, even if it's just to emotionally check out more.

Speaker 3:

I think we look for license in other areas. When I painted my house a couple of years ago and I painted the interior, I was looking online for other houses that were in the kind of same color family because I wanted validation that I was picking a good color. If I want to go on a certain diet, well, I'm going to go read all the success stories that I can for those who have done it and been successful.

Speaker 2:

I can relate. If I'm going to go buy a car part or a tool, I might just hone in on the five-star reviews, because that way I can feel good about my choice. It is no different when we're not satisfied in our marriage. We are seeking what justifies us to take the next move that we want.

Speaker 3:

So we're going to go to God's Word right now. If you have a Bible with you or you've got one on your phone, you're able to turn to 2 Timothy, chapter 4. We're going to spend just a couple of minutes here and I'm going to read to you verses 3 through 6, and this is in the Amplified version of the Bible, so it just kind of fleshes it out a little bit more for us. It says for the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine or an accurate instruction that challenges them with God's truth, but wanting to have their ears tickled with something pleasing, they will accumulate for themselves many teachers, one after another, chosen to satisfy their own desires and to support the errors they hold. They will turn their ears away from the truth and will wander off into myths and man-made fictions and will accept the unacceptable. Does this sound familiar in our society right now? Maybe even you right now.

Speaker 2:

Based upon what you just read. Tracy, if our pastor started preaching something bogus from the pulpit, if he was saying, hey, you know, it's okay to lie as long as it's to protect yourself, for example, we would go and try to call that out. I think most of us would. But what other influencers have you aligned with? And you have to ask yourself are they actually teaching from the word of God? Because I think for most of us, hopefully, our pastor's on point. But there's all kinds of other influencers in our life and many of them have aligned themselves with the world standards, things that have snuck into what their message may be. I turn to Google and YouTube and social media and the quotes and the songs that inspire me to do a lot of things I do, and a lot of good can be found in these places, but we have to be discerning because there is a lot of bad that's also available.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, and I can always know if I'm looking to be justified in my actions. If I'm not willing to take what I've heard from a friend or from some source and back it up with scripture, Right then and there I can tell where my heart is at. If I'm avoiding guidance from the Lord, I'm clearly on a road to become disobedient to him.

Speaker 2:

And this is the very reason why, for the past two broadcasts, we've been talking about marriage myths, the untrue things that we've been influenced by, guiding us away from the healing that our marriage could have and into the isolation and division that we often do experience. God, help us today to want what you want more than having our ears tickled as that verse talked about. Change our desires, lord, to look more like you and your way. So, part one of this broadcast series, we tackled the marriage myth that marriage will make me happy, and in fact that is not the purpose of marriage. We talked about how marriage is intended to be one of those refiners fires, if you will that together we will look more like Christ by being in a marriage that God is honored in.

Speaker 2:

Next, we tackled the marriage myth that marriage takes all the fun out of this relationship, and actually that's not true. God invented sex and actually that's not true. God invented sex and inside of marriage he's given carte blanche access to more fun than the world could ever imagine. Finally, we tackled the myth that marriage is an outdated institution. Well, that's not true. It's designed to tell the world about a Jesus kind of love, a love that's the most when someone deserves it the least, and this may not be a message that people want to hear, but it's the mission that God has given us, as Christians, for our marriage.

Speaker 3:

And if you miss one of those and you want to go back and hear how God's word addresses each of those, we invite you to go to vowstokeepcom listen to part one of this series, marriage Myths, and we started the second broadcast last week week, considering this myth that you've probably had come through your mind once or twice, or maybe many times crud, I married the wrong person.

Speaker 2:

And a lot of times we justify that, or we hear people justify that, even with God's word. Looking at verses like 2 Corinthians, chapter 6, where it talks about God wanting us to be married to a Christian, yoked up properly with a Christian, and we say, oh, but I'm not, and in fact this person is holding me back. This will never work because of this.

Speaker 3:

And that, thankfully, is not true, because being unequally yoked does not void the covenant of your marriage. God wants you to stay in that marriage and be on mission for the soul of your spouse. You're in a great spot if that's where you're at. We also tackled this common marriage myth. Some marriages are just beyond repair. They can't be fixed. Maybe you've thought that about your own marriage or about a friend's marriage. Well, we address that from God's word as well, and there is a great answer. So if you missed that, go to vasttokeepcom and listen to part two of marriage myths. You didn't know, you were believing, and we're going to continue today talking about these myths. Marriage should be 50-50, right, that sounds equal. That sounds fair. We're going to talk about that in just a second. How about this one? If I marry the right person, I will always feel in love with them. And finally, we'll wrap up today talking about myths that affect our children.

Speaker 2:

All right. Well, let's jump into this. In the business world, a lot of partnerships operate on this 50-50 sort of plan you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, I'll do something, you pay me, and if things get lopsided, of course, this relationship is over.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, pretty much by definition, not going to last, and we try hard to apply this 50-50 plan in our marriages and in fact, that's why so many people don't tie the knot Before signing a piece of paper that says we're going to get married. I actually want to see that you're going to be consistent, that you're going to meet me halfway, and until I see track record from you that proves that that's going to happen, I think I'll just stay tentative in this relationship and on the surface this could actually seem logical. A lot of people feel like, yeah, this is the right path. Why would you want to get married and then stay married to someone who isn't putting in the same amount of time and the same amount of effort into your relationship? You wouldn't.

Speaker 3:

But the way God's designed marriage, thankfully, is so, so different. You make a vow, not only to your spouse but to God, that you're going to remain committed, in fact, to God first and your spouse second, and that's going to happen no matter what. But if you try to do the 50-50 plan and maybe you have, maybe you're in that right now you know that you're on the wrong track because you can see the fruit of it. We've been there, we've tried to keep score. It doesn't work. In fact, the secret in our marriage is that we don't keep score, or at least we work really, really hard to not. And if we do, we find ourselves looking at those invisible tally marks on our living room wall I've got two and you've only got one, so pay up. We try to recognize that and make it right with God first and then with each other.

Speaker 3:

God designed marriage that both of you would present to each other and to the Lord 100% every single day, and that really is based on Philippians, chapter 2. I would welcome you to read the whole chapter, where it talks about how Jesus is our example. He's the one who laid down his life and actually considered himself nothing and became a servant. And he goes on to teach this do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but, in humility, count each other as more significant than yourself. Not only should you look out to your own interests, but also to the interests of others, and especially in your marriage relationship, because if you do, you're going to thrive. You're going to put aside your own desires, seek to serve the other, and there is so much benefit in that.

Speaker 2:

So do you remember when you made your vows?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Well, part of those vows for many of us included this line in sickness and in health. Anyone who's been married for any length of time realizes that there is times when someone is ill, someone's injured, whether that's physically or emotionally, and the healthy spouse needs to step up and take responsibility for whatever needs to be done. And on those days or weeks or months or seasons of our lives, sometimes marriage can feel really unbalanced. But it's interesting because in those seasons God is most glorified, especially in the cheerful giver moments, when things are already far out of balance and you show some deep, undeserved love. That is when you show Jesus to everyone who's watching.

Speaker 2:

Marriage feels unfair, because it often is unfair and it's not supposed to be equal. And look at our example of Christ in the church. We see this in Ephesians Jesus goes and dies on the cross for my sins. That wasn't fair. And as Christians in marriage, jesus prepares us to give more. But the reality is sometimes we just want to take more, and the same goes for our spouse.

Speaker 2:

Rarely is the scale balanced. And you know what, when it's perfectly balanced, those aren't the high points in anyone's marriage that I've ever met. There might be times where you're like, well, this is easier, but they're not the ones that bind you tightly together in a covenant of oneness. When you give yourself to someone completely before God and you truly mean it and I mean someone who had 100% self-sacrifice that is an amazing covenant. As a believer in that 50-50 myth, it can actually feel kind of good Like, oh, I'm doing great because I'm running headlong into that first 50%. But a lot of Christians feel justified at stopping right at that 50% point or that 60% point, and then they get mad when they're like wait a second, I've been giving more than I've been receiving.

Speaker 3:

That's that keeping score concept right there.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so remember this analogy that we talked about in Ephesians 5. We see this analogy between Christ and the church and a marriage between a husband and a wife. When we stop, when we complain that we are giving more than we're receiving, we discredit God's commitment to us. We discredit the analogy of Christ's commitment by showing that he's only going to go so far, he's only going to do something to someone whose works justify it, and that's a gap that anyone could fall into. If this is a lie that you're believing right now, this week, it's time to cross the line, time to go past 50% all the way to 100.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely. Well, let's jump into number two, this myth that you may have believed. I married this man or this woman 5, 10, 15, 20, 40 years ago and I thought when I first got married hey, we should always feel in love. But right now I'm not really feeling it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, this reminds me of the car that I absolutely adored, and probably many of us remember, a car that was super special to us, like one that we took better care of than we do our kids now.

Speaker 3:

That's not actually true.

Speaker 2:

I'm just saying. You know, there's some of those things that we really, really idolize when we first get them and gradually, as the months and the years go by and seasons change and we go through the mud and the muck, so to speak, things start to not look as nice and as polished as they did when we first got started. And then, three to five years later, we're taking that car we once coveted and we're ready to go sell it and trade it in, and it's in these low points that we see our marriage and our spouse kind of like that car.

Speaker 3:

Got the rock chips, it's time to go. Men, through one too many South Dakota snowstorms, I've heard men and women talk about trading in their spouse for a younger model, or a different model, one that excites them, one that looks from the outside like they don't have any flaws.

Speaker 2:

And the problem isn't just with our lack of commitment. The problem is actually believing the myth that there is some fickle, short-sighted thing that could actually be fulfilling to you. Some are convinced that they're on the right side of marriage simply because they're sentimental. They're committed, if you will. It's a little bit like loyally being around Jesus makes you a believer. That is not true, and this isn't how God designed that relationship to look like either. You can't just be in his presence and be a believer.

Speaker 3:

And when we look at our spouse, those flaws can feel really evident. And it's different for men and women. I think women would be like, hey, he should always want to talk with me. Well, guess what, he doesn't. He will always want to be my best friend, but here he's hanging out with somebody else. He would at least show that he cares about me by listening and he wants to be with me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my wife should always want to be my lover. She should always admire me, she should at least always respect me, and if I would have married the right person, we would be always in that state. How we define love as men and women is not the same, but the expectation there is pretty clear, and if I was to put this myth in other terms, I'd say it this way If you were the right person, you would always want to serve me in the ways that I would most appreciate it.

Speaker 3:

In a previous broadcast in this series, we talked about Jesus in John chapter 8. He had people that were following him around and they were claiming they were committed to him. And here's his response because he wanted to show them their hearts. He said you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. They were trying to be real close and yet they weren't doing what would please God.

Speaker 3:

Some of us feel like Jesus saying to our spouse if you love me, you do what I like, but let this sink in. The myth is that I should see my spouse desire to do what will please me. That is the result I'm looking for and I should get that result. Well, the truth is that we should always see our spouse's desire not to please us, but to please Jesus, and that is a total game changer and it takes this myth right out of play. If we don't see them pleasing Jesus, they aren't going to be pleasing us either. But stay with me, don't be more offended that you aren't being pleased. Be more concerned for their lack of desire to please their Savior, and then help them back up onto that path. In John chapter 8, jesus is talking to these Jews that claim they believe in him and they're following him around. They want to hear what he had to say. They were close to him, but they were so far away in their hearts.

Speaker 2:

And we most certainly can have a spouse like that, but more than often we are actually the spouse that is like that, similar to what these people are doing, kind of following Jesus around and far away in our hearts. Be in love with Jesus. Let yourself be loved by Jesus. This is the only certainty that we can really have as a Christian. Don't put your spouse in the validation spot that God should be in. I mean, god is your maker, god is your rock. To put your spouse in the validation spot that God should be in I mean God is your maker, god is your rock To put your spouse in that spot is really setting them up for failure.

Speaker 3:

I've met happy couples. We've met happy couples who have worked in each other's lives to faithfully follow Jesus. They're building God's kingdom together and it's not all peaches and cream. Really. It's tiring sometimes to do that work without thanks that many times. But they didn't become first class followers of Jesus at the same time or at the same pace, but they spurred one another on.

Speaker 3:

I think a lot of times we wait for our spouse to get to a certain point, wait for them to please us, and then we try to get on board. We grow at different rates and you are put in your spouse's life to help them to grow. So don't just follow Jesus around. You're going to church, you're attending small group. Be a true follower, a true disciple of Jesus, a giver who inspires your spouse to be a giver, not for your kingdom Don't demand that but for God's kingdom. You're going to start out being a better giver, probably, but you're going to inspire them to grow. Then you've got two people with different strengths and you're going to be more capable together than you could be of heart.

Speaker 2:

So to accomplish that, your husband obviously should enjoy talking to you, he should be your best friend, he should want to be with you. But when he doesn't give him what he doesn't deserve, even when it doesn't pay off for you, this side of heaven, Absolutely, and your wife should want to be your lover.

Speaker 3:

That's the way God's designed it. She should admire you, she should respect you, but when she's not and that's going to happen, exactly what David just said give her what she doesn't deserve, even when it won't pay off for you, this side of heaven.

Speaker 2:

Your spouse may not feel cool right now, but invest, restore and know that their value can't be measured by what you see today.

Speaker 3:

So the next myth we're going to talk about today is about kids, kids in marriage and how this all fits together. So, david, I've seen this in movies, I've seen this in real life A couple, they're engaged in war with each other. They just had their, you know, like 10th divisive month long disagreement and then they have some success. They've got one of those battles finally has some resolution. Maybe they're trying to meet each other 50-50 and they feel really good about it right now.

Speaker 3:

There's so much excitement about the fact that they've made it through to the other side of the argument that they get excited about taking their relationship to the next level. And a lot of times it's this conversation hey, we should try to get pregnant, we should have kids. Like, having kids will cement our relationship.

Speaker 2:

Let's be honest here as much love and joy as children can bring into our lives, they can also be pretty stressful. Parenting, especially when they're babies and toddlers, who you can't always understand, can be very taxing physically, mentally and emotionally. So if you're looking to build the bonds of commitment and save your marriage, seek a godly marriage mentor or try marriage counseling. Not a baby.

Speaker 2:

Mark 9, 42 gives us a very important principle. Jesus says if anyone causes one of these little ones those who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown. Yikes, yeah. So if you bring kids into a marriage with a cracked foundation, you are going to lead them astray. I don't think we fear that enough. I think that we think that by taking our kids to church on Sunday and praying before meals that we're going to teach our kids what we believe about Jesus. Having kids will not save our marriage, and having a faith which gives just a nod to who Jesus is is not going to make them want to have a relationship with Jesus either. We need experience in applying biblical truth to solve the problems in our marriage. We need actually so much experience that parenting is naturally done the exact same way. If not, the ongoing wars from your marriage are only going to serve to drive your kids away from what you say you believe. You actually lose credibility.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

If you want to have kids but the fundamentals aren't there, be faithful in your obedience to God's word. Try marriage counseling. You can contact us at Vows to Keep. We'll help you work on that foundation. But as an example, what does the Bible say about fighting? Besides the Sunday school answer of not to, Because there's a lot that it does have to say about that. How does a commitment built on a covenant marriage differ from a contract type marriage? And even with a strong biblical foundation, raising kids is a team calling, a mission that needs to be done together.

Speaker 3:

And the last marriage myth we're going to talk about today also is around kids. My spouse and I should put on a good face in front of the kids. They should never hear us or see us fighting, or even know about the problems that we're dealing with. They need to see our marriage as strong because it helps them feel stable. That's the myth.

Speaker 2:

I think about how we learned how to do anything in our life like riding a bike.

Speaker 2:

I learned how to ride a bike by first watching my older brother, jim, ride the bike in circles around, and that was how I had the confidence to know that it actually could eventually be done. Eventually, it was my turn to do that, and if you've ever watched your big brother or sister riding a bike and they or sister you know riding a bike and they fall off, they crash, they scrape their knees and well, they get back on and then you realize I can do the same thing too. Too many parents leave their kids without an example to follow in the most urgent of situations. When your child is in a relationship with someone, someday will they know how to handle a tough conversation because they watched you and your spouse work through those things, or will they be convinced that they should never be in a fight? And when they get in that moment where there's a disagreement between them and someone else, will it feel just strangely wrong a relationship that shouldn't happen. What I'm saying is have you presented the truth about what a God-honoring marriage looks like?

Speaker 3:

Because it's not going to be perfect, and we know that. Now we're not recommending that you have a screaming match right in front of the kids. Let's look at Ephesians 4, though. Ephesians 4.31 says some great advice to us that we're going to put into practice in just a second. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Speaker 3:

Now we know we're all going to fail at this. We are failing at this, so those things are going to happen. There's going to be anger between us, there's going to be slander, or I'm going to be tempted to slander you in front of the kids. I'm going to be bitter towards you, and when that happens, I need to show our kids the second half of this. Ephesians 4.32, the very next verse, says be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. They're going to fail at that first part as well. They're going to be tempted to be bitter. So show them the gospel by forgiving your spouse and choosing a godly attitude. They're going to be tempted to slander someone who's wronged them. Show them that they can choose kindness, the way that Jesus would treat someone.

Speaker 2:

Be aware they probably already know a lot of the tension that is in your marriage. So when we try to hide our sin, what we're really doing is hiding God's grace. We have to model God's word in the toughest, most intimate aspects of our marriage relationship to prepare them for how to live their own lives in obedience to God's Word.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. At VowsToKeepcom, this program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

People on this episode

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

Host