The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Breaking Free From Marriage Myths :: [Ep. 286]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 286

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Breaking Free From Marriage Myths :: [Ep. 285]

This week, we again are tackling damaging marriage myths that can poison relationships. We will provide practical guidance for believers navigating difficult marriages and explain how God's power can transform even the most broken relationships.

We will talk about the following:

• The "I married the wrong person" myth often emerges during difficult seasons
• When does God's Word justify ending marriage 
• The myth that "some marriages are beyond repair" underestimates God's power
• Trials in marriage can refine faith rather than destroy the relationship
• God offers strength, patience, and renewed love for those in difficult marriages
• Prayer changes marriages, but often not in the way or timeline we expect
• Practical guidance for healthy communication in marriage

We hope and pray you are encouraged and helped!!


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made Vows to Keep.

Speaker 3:

You've probably heard it said that not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and hoping the other person dies.

Speaker 2:

The myth is that unforgiveness will make someone else see their need to get right with you, but the truth is that it probably won't, and it's actually going to hurt you more than it will them. Today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going to be talking about marriage myths and how you might be poisoning your own marriage and not even realizing it. We live over a massive cave system here in Ohio hundreds of miles of underground caves. It's full of an odorless and invisible gas, according to the EPA. It doesn't really matter how solid your home it is. It doesn't matter how good your basement is. It matters if you have radon coming up through the foundation and all of us around this area do and it can come through the soil. It can come through your well water and when you breathe it in over time, what it does is cause lung cancer. We used to live in South Dakota. No one that I knew had ever even tested for radon.

Speaker 3:

I had never even heard of it until we moved here.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So now that we know of it, we take precautions to protect against it, and we have a radon fan in our house that sucks all that out and disperses it into the atmosphere, because I can't actually see it. I know it's in my house now because I've watched for it. I know the truth.

Speaker 3:

And that's exactly what these marriage myths are. We know they're there. We might not realize, though, that they've become part of our thinking. We're sort of breathing them in, so to speak. They're affecting our marriages I know they've affected mine and myths are lies, and lies come from one source. They come from the father of lies. That is our enemy, and they also can seep in through other ways that he uses, like what I'm watching on my iPad or what I'm listening to from a friend. They've seeped into the foundation that we've tried to build, david. I don't want to be poisoned by radon, any more than I want our marriage to be poisoned by these untruths or these myths, and thankfully, god has given us a filtration system. Last week, we started talking about myths. Because there's so many of them, we had to make this a multi-part series, and we began sifting them through God's word to see what survived as truth.

Speaker 2:

So we talked about how it was a myth to believe that marriage was here to make us happy, that marriage takes all the fun out of our relationship.

Speaker 3:

Thank goodness, that's a myth.

Speaker 2:

Exactly that marriage is an outdated institution.

Speaker 3:

And we ended last week's broadcast talking about the myth that I think all of us have believed at one time or another I married the wrong person. That's actually where we're going to start again today, so we can flesh that out a little bit more, because it can feel so true that I married the wrong person when things are caustic or things are dead, and it can feel true especially when I want to be free from your sin, or you want to be free from my sin, free from the problems that our spouse is creating for us. Well, the truth is, you're married to the person that God intends you to stay married to as long as you both shall live.

Speaker 2:

Last week we got a call from a listener who we'll call Jane, from Virginia, and her and her husband were fighting with this myth. They were wrestling with this actively. The D word had been thrown around, in fact, several times. They had even loosely agreed upon what the terms that would look like. Times they had even loosely agreed upon what the terms that would look like.

Speaker 2:

Now Jane found Vows to Keep online and God really convicted her heart that God really didn't approve, he wasn't going to sign off on the death of their marriage. Maybe their marriage wasn't where it needed to be. That was true, and you might find yourself in that spot today. We want to speak to those of you that are really what I would call the most susceptible to that myth that I married the wrong person, with a little bit of a warning, because where we start out is believing a very closely related myth, and that is as Christians. You know, I can't fulfill my purpose in life because of my spouse. They maybe aren't a Christian or they're such a weak Christian they are holding me back.

Speaker 3:

We've even had a few people try to I would say, unsuccessfully back this up with scripture, because they see some things in God's word that talk about this, like in 2 Corinthians 6.14,. God wants me to be married to a believer or maybe you've thought this I could accomplish so much more for God's kingdom if my spouse was on board, and isn't that actually what God would want? Well, it actually is indeed what he would want. So let's look at that passage right now. The Apostle Paul is using this as an example and he says don't be yoked together with unbelievers.

Speaker 2:

Now yokes are not a common thing anymore, so I feel like we should take just a moment and explain them. So yokes are a harness of sorts that enable two animals to share a very heavy load. So if you could picture the scene and, like the 1820s, farmers would connect two ox together to pull a heavy load or to pull a plow, I guess they probably did it in Jesus' time as well. So this is a good picture, because even in a really happy marriage we're going to do a lot of really hard work together.

Speaker 3:

The verse goes on to say don't be yoked, for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common with each other, or what fellowship can light have with darkness? God gives us this nugget of truth because it's his ideal for a husband and wife to be bonded together through salvation in Jesus Christ, and when that happens, you are a match pair full of power.

Speaker 2:

It's awesome. Well, I want to change that picture, though, that we have in our mind, from two ox and hooked in a yoke in a powerful position, to an ox and a pig.

Speaker 3:

Oh, is one of us supposed to be a pig in this scenario?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean it's easy to see that they're differing heights and strengths and abilities are going to make this a very unproductive, probably unfair, partnering. And if you're a believer who is yoked in a marriage with an unbelieving spouse, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It can almost feel like you're working around in circles pulling each other in opposite direction, or maybe your pig is just like sat down. Pigs like to do that kind of thing.

Speaker 3:

And they're refusing to move at all. The scripture is on point for people who are thinking about getting married. They are choosing a spouse, but that's not really our question today.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, what if a believer has knowingly married a non-believer, or they were married as non-believers and one of those spouses has come to know the Lord? That's really what we're wrestling with.

Speaker 3:

Well, if that's the case, two things are certain. First, the unequal yoke does not in any way, in any way set aside the covenant of their marriage. The Bible teaches that an unequal yoke in itself is not a reason to break a marriage vow. It says in 1 Corinthians 7, 12, and 13,. If any brother has a wife who's not a believer and she's willing to live with him, she's willing to stay in that marriage, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to stay, she must not divorce him. I love how clear God is in his word about this. It is not ambiguous at all. Second, just as the ox and the pig, as David say, are able to plow a straight line, If you're married to a non-believer, just trying to like force them to go the way you're going. You know that that's never going to succeed.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, really in either direction. They both are going to find that and this is where we actually meet a lot of couples. One spouse comes really frustrated because a life you know, the way that they're going about it, the way they're trying to live out for themselves isn't working out. I mean, sin has its results in their lives. The other spouse is frustrated with their marriage because their problems are stemming from their spouse's sin, and usually it's some mixture of both of this.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, and I believe if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, you probably really rightly desire for your spouse to become a believer with you. You know you can like almost picture it. Our marriage would be so much better. If only my spouse would be happier too if they could recognize their sin and see the need for a savior.

Speaker 2:

And then we see firsthand the fallout that comes. We see consequences and how it affects not only us inside of our marriage but our kids and the people that are all around us, and when we try to help them and they reject us, it can feel really defeating.

Speaker 3:

It can make you just want to stop, but there's freedom. I believe in God's word. Actions speak louder than any words you could possibly ever say to your spouse. I want to encourage you today, if this is the position you're in, whether your spouse is not a strong believer or not a Christian, you have such great directive from God's word to be obedient. As you follow God's word, you fulfill your God-given role, you speak life, you forgive, you choose love and joy and peace and patience All those things that sound so easy but we know are not. God, in fact, is going to do the rest. He's going to fill in all the gaps and you can even be at peace. I believe in this, even in a tough situation, as you trust the Lord, because he is so much more powerful than anything I could ever do or say in David's life. He wants to work in and through you. Let him do that.

Speaker 2:

The other day, as we were speaking with this wife who was walking in this very scenario, she basically came to realize. You know what? I can't tell my husband's story of how he came to know the Lord. In fact, although we've been going to church, I don't actually know if he's saved. It was such an awesome moment for us to start to discuss what that meant, for what her mission was, because when your spouse isn't saved, you know your number one mission you need to evangelize to your spouse.

Speaker 2:

You don't want to leave their future to chance. God has given you to each other to be one flesh, and that means that you're in this very prime spot to allow God to use you to be his hands and feet in their lives. So if you're a Christian married to an unbelieving spouse, you're not without help. This is hard. I know that the Bible highlights, though, that this is our most important mission. In Ephesians 5, it says for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the church.

Speaker 3:

I think that's why Paul could speak of the husband and wife sanctifying, making holy one another. He says in 1 Corinthians 7, where we just were a minute ago, for the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her husband. In other words, you can stop trying to change your spouse. Yay, you've probably experienced this. You know that it only causes strife when you're trying to get them to go your way, but you can lead them to Christ through your example.

Speaker 3:

It might take much longer than you actually want it, but I've seen it happen in people's lives and it is amazing when it does and how this is lived out just in practicality, in like the kitchen is treating them with kindness when they've just treated you with disrespect. You can be calm and not complain. When things don't go as expected, which is every single day of our lives, you can ask for forgiveness when you've wronged them. You can model Christ's love to them. You can shine such a bright light. I know David's shined this bright light in my life countless, countless times. Today you can start believing that God can work on your spouse's heart through you, but much more by your attitude and your actions than by your actual words.

Speaker 2:

In fact, God may actually prefer to do this work without your words. In 1 Peter, chapter 3, it says wives in the same way, be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, that they may be won over by the words and by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Speaker 1:

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vowstokeepcom. Vows to Keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 2:

You need to be prepared to let Christ in you administer a love which will bring you and your spouse into a more holy union, and that's a God-ordained position for your marriage to be.

Speaker 2:

I spoke with a husband about this subject recently and he was convinced he was in a very hopeless position. But God had not actually left him hopeless. There was a direction that he could take, and it was through this conversation that he had really a light bulb moment. For husbands, this means giving yourself to your wife in a very selfless devotion, always building oneness, and this is not the same thing, I might point out, as trying to always build peace, because there's going to be a lot of topics that are actually divisive that a wise husband, a loving husband, a devoted husband would take head on. This is exactly what Christ says with the church, and when we see that analogy in Ephesians 5, where it says Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his body, but he feeds and cares for it, and that's what we need to do for our wives.

Speaker 3:

And for wives. I think, just practically speaking, just like David gave some practical advice for husbands is that we can draw so close to the Lord that we've got this overflow in our heart that's going to spill out onto our spouse. Got this overflow in our heart that's going to spill out onto our spouse. Understanding God's love, understanding his character, is going to compel you to lean into your spouse when your natural reaction would be to pull away from them, and that shows so much of the gospel to them. Even without saying anything, it honestly takes God himself, the Holy Spirit himself, to convince people to change. We can't force it. So you can release your spouse today to God and allow the Holy Spirit to work. Your responsibility is to be a faithful witness, not just sharing the truth, but living this passionate love for your spouse, not because they deserve it, but because God has loved you. Your very own king has called you to be his daughter.

Speaker 2:

So if you feel that you're called to live a life on purpose for the Lord and you feel like your marriage is actually holding you back, you're believing a myth, you're believing a lie. Right there within the mess of your marriage is right where God wants you to live for him. And when your spouse is giving you the cold shoulder or belittling you and you start doing the exact opposite of what they know you'd like to do, when grace and mercy are smack dab in the middle of the conflict. That's how we live out God's perfect will, which is loving others as he has loved you. The only way to remove yourself from your marriage is a divorce. And here's the truth about divorce from God's word.

Speaker 2:

God hates divorce and, according to Matthew 19, he never demands it, he only allows it. We work with couples all the time that are in this very situation. The biggest testimony of God's love is when you don't walk away, even when, by all rights, it's warranted. The truth is, divorce is not God's plan for your marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19, what God has joined together, let no one separate, and that includes you. Ask God for the faith to see it through.

Speaker 3:

So, as we look at this next myth today here on Vows to Keep Radio, I want to ask you who do you know that their marriage is just in shambles right now? Who do you know whose marriage foundation is really crumbling because of some infidelity or slander or hatred and lots and lots of hurt? Well, here's the myth that we can fall prey to when we see a marriage that looks like that. Some marriages are just beyond repair. They can't be fixed. Maybe the lie you've believed is that your marriage can't be fixed and you're seeking out the details of divorce right now. Or maybe separation, divorce can be seen and it has been portrayed as an opportunity to start over just clean slate, you know and that can look really alluring. When there's all kinds of hurt, we would just like to wash away. We might even wish divorce for someone so that they can have a fresh start. But, like David, just read from God's word. That is not his plan. But the scary thing is we can convince ourselves of pretty much anything. We can go back to the myth that God wouldn't want me to be stuck in misery. We tell ourselves divorce is the only option.

Speaker 3:

So if that's where you're at right now, I want to challenge you with a question how big is your God? Is he big enough to cover your sins? Have you gone to the cross for mercy and you've received that? Is the God you believe in, the same one described in Isaiah 40? Let me read part of this chapter to you, as it describes God. Who else has held the ocean in his hands? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth and has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale? Look up to the heavens. Who created all of these stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another. He calls each by name and, because of his great power and incomparable strength, not one of them is missing. That's the God we're talking about right now.

Speaker 2:

He's the God who made everything and who has everything in control, that same God who offered us a savior I was grateful to accept. So if you're writing off your marriage as beyond hope and you're kind of saying, I'm not sure that you're actually capable God, maybe you're not powerful enough to help, then maybe he doesn't care and he isn't as kind and compassionate like we thought he was. You're forgetting, though, that he is that compassionate God for your broken spouse, and you might be the way that he would work in your spouse's life.

Speaker 3:

It's that refiner's fire that the Bible talks about, that these trials. 1 Peter 1 said they're going to show that your faith is genuine and you might be tested as fire purifies gold, and in that your faith is going to come out more precious than ever. When your faith remains strong through many trials. 1 Peter 1 says it's going to bring much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. God is not surprised by a marriage that is in shambles. He doesn't turn away from the brokenness and say you're too far gone. Thank goodness, because if he did that, he'd probably tell us the exact same thing in our sin.

Speaker 3:

Isaiah 40 continues by saying how can you say the Lord doesn't see your troubles? How can you say God ignores your rights? Haven't you heard, haven't you understood that? The Lord, god, the everlasting God, the creator of the whole earth, he never grows weary or weak. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even young people are going to become weak and tired. God's word says they're going to fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord, they're going to find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. God is offering you what you are lacking in your own strength. He's going to give you the strength and patience to not just be in a difficult marriage, but actually to thrive in it.

Speaker 2:

That's so powerful.

Speaker 3:

He is more than able to give you a deep love for your spouse again, even a passion for a spouse that's rebellious against God and you feel like you're paying the consequence for that. You can ask for God's help and draw from those resources. Stop looking for ways to run and see yourself as a tool in God's hands that's going to bring healing to your spouse. God will act on your behalf when you call out to him. Let's read from Psalm 18, david. It says the ropes of death were almost wrapped around me. A destroying flood swept over me. The ropes of the grave were tied around me. Death set its trap in front of me. Wow, I love the honesty of this psalm. He's writing it like it is, and you can too. You can stay exactly where you're at, because God already knows everything you're going to say before you say it. Be humble enough to say it out loud though. God, I need help here.

Speaker 2:

That Psalm continues in verse six. When I was in trouble, I called out to the Lord, which is exactly what you're saying. I cried to my God. Is that your response when it seems like the flood of life, the flood of your marriage, is just washing over you? Do you believe that you will be heard? Do you believe that God is big enough to heal your marriage? Maybe not as fast as you'd like it to be, but is he that powerful that he could? If you're still skeptical, then listen to what God does in the response to this that we find here in God's word. It says from his temple he heard my voice, my cry for help reached his ears and he reached down from heaven. He brought me out into a wide and safe place.

Speaker 3:

God responds to prayer. It's as simple as that. With him on his mission, you are not weak, he offers all he is for everything you're going through right now. And then we can say with the psalmist you are not weak, he offers all he is for everything you're going through right now. And then we can say with the psalmist you're my God, like he's saying you answered me, you did bring light into my darkness, your strong hand is what kept me going and your help has made me great. The help might not come in the form that you think it will. We don't serve a grocery list, god.

Speaker 3:

I think it's perfectly great, in fact, to pray for really specific things, things that are from God's word, that are good, that he would want. Like Lord, help my husband to be a leader for our family. That's a great prayer to pray, asking God to show your husband that his ways are best, asking for your husband's heart to be softened towards your children. Yes, pray for those things and more. But in my experience, god wants us to come less concerned with our list of demands of how we'd like things to be and our complaints of how things aren't, and to come more with his agenda in mind. Our heart wide open, humble and teachable and moldable. I'm talking about your heart being humble and teachable and moldable as you pray for your husband.

Speaker 2:

It's a position of surrender and humility where God can do amazing things that we never thought were possible.

Speaker 2:

He can help us be completely humble and gentle.

Speaker 2:

We read in Ephesians 4, god can help us to make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace, to speak truth and love we find in verse 15, to put off falsehood and speak truth to your neighbor, to not use foul or abusive language, letting everything that we say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Speaker 2:

And then, finally, in verse 31 and 32, ephesians 4, to get rid of that bitterness, to get rid of the rage. For to get rid of that bitterness, to get rid of the rage, to get rid of the anger, the slander, all these kinds of evil, it says instead being kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, through Christ, has forgiven you. The God who raised Jesus from the dead is more than able to give you a deep love again for your husband or for your wife. He can resurrect even the deadest of marriages, and we have seen it. He can mend the most broken of hearts and breathe hope and life into a relationship that you and everyone you know was ready to write off.

Speaker 3:

When I hear people tell me their real-life story of a resurrected marriage that's now thriving. It's a reminder of God's love for me, and I think it will be for you too as you walk through this, not just hanging on to your marriage, hoping that someday it gets better, but in the midst of it, giving your best to God, giving your whole heart to God and your best to your spouse. If you're doing that right now, thank you, keep going. That's our encouragement to you today to believe the truth, to surround yourself with it, to fill your life with truth, to get so close to God that your spouse won't be able to resist the love of God that's being poured out through you to them.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Have a desire to serve marriages in your community? We would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. No-transcript.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

Host