Prayer: The Missing Link in Your Marriage :: [Ep. 284]

Prayer: The Missing Link in Your Marriage :: [Ep. 284]

Did you know prayer can transform your marital problems into opportunities for unity when approached as a genuine relationship rather than mere ritual? The same principles that govern a healthy marriage—connection, vulnerability, and consistent communication—also create a powerful prayer life.

In this week's podcast episode, we are talking about the following:

• Sacrificial prayer intervention rather than passive observation is a powerful thing
• When emotional connection is missing in marriage, others can fill that void
• Physical passion in marriage prevents fear and temptation from taking control
• Our relationship with God often mirrors our relationship with our spouse
• Marriage forms a triangle with husband and wife at the base and God at the apex
• Prayer should focus on God's will rather than our desires, similar to covenant marriage
• Practical steps to implement today: prioritize God first, pray for your spouse daily, pray together regularly
• Take turns leading prayer, worship together, attend church together, and share your testimony

We hope and pray you are encouraged and helped today!

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio
• 2:10 Prayer as Relationship, Not Ritual
• 6:24 Abraham's Negotiation with God
• 8:44 Moses: Intercessory Prayer in Action
• 15:28 Marriage and Prayer Run Parallel
• 22:51 Cultivating a Triangle Relationship
• 24:22 Closing and Support Information

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:26

At the time I'm looking for the hardest answers in life. I'm either in full-on problem-solving mode in my own power or frustrated, as all my past attempts have fallen short and now my spouse is clearly seeing my weaknesses. So now what? If only this factor would change, if only that person would stop making it worse. Oh gosh, I better avoid that friend, I'm going to get an earful. So for long stretches of time we burned down on stress as we tried to manage problems we were never designed to manage alone. What if problems in marriage brought us together rather than apart? Turns out they can and they should do just that.

Speaker 2: 1:11

So many of us feel incapable to pray or, honestly, we don't even understand what prayer is. Prayer is this term we hear, but because I hear it from so many people with clearly different ideals, we realize prayer is not the same. We don't all equate it to the same thing. What does it mean? Most Christians wish for prayer to be a part of their marriage, a meaningful relationship with our creator, a prayer that makes sense. Well, join me today on Vows to Keep Radio, as we get real about how the relationship of prayer relates to our relationship in marriage. We're going to unpack how we should view prayer as well as why we need to treat it and our marriage differently. To push us to have a passionate, heartfelt relationship with our God and our spouse. Regular, powerful prayer can be the best part of your marriage. Find out how in today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel you can apply immediately to your marriage. We're your hosts, david and Tracy. Sellers of Vows to Keep, tracy and I are biblical marriage counselors authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being a passionate communicator with God and your spouse, you're definitely in the right place. Now you know what I think. Some prayers are a ritual there. I've said it. I kind of feel bad pointing this out, but it's true. Prayer is not about blessing food to my body three times a day. Prayer is about a relationship, and I mean a real relationship. Much like your marriage is a relationship. Now, relationship is just loosely defined as being in connection with someone. Imagine being like Abraham. He was in connection to God, directly talking to God.

Speaker 2: 3:06

I want to give a bit of history. Sodom is a city that is basically a dumpster fire and God thinks to himself okay, I think I need to do something about this. So listen as I read from Genesis 18. And in the interest of time I'm going to be paraphrasing some. We'll be picking this story up in verse 16.

Speaker 2: 3:25

So here's Abraham and some other guys. They get up and they set off for Sodom. Then God arrives on the scene and we hear the thoughts in his head as he says Should I keep my thoughts from Abraham about what I'm about to do? Abraham's going to become a large and strong nation. That's good, but the cries of the victims in Sodom and Gomorrah are deafening. The sin of those cities sound like they're off the charts. I'm going to go check it out for myself. Let's see if it's as bad as it sounds.

Speaker 2: 3:57

Well, the men set off for Sodom, but Abraham stood still before the Lord. Abraham approaches God and says God, are you seriously planning on nuking the good people with the bad? What if there were like 50 good people left in the city? Would you spare the city for the sake of those 50 innocent people? I can't believe you'd do that. You'd kill off the good and the bad alike, as if there was no difference between them. Doesn't the judge of all the earth judge with justice.

Speaker 2: 4:22

In verse 26, the Lord said well, okay, if I find Sodom has 50 righteous people in the city, I'll spare the whole place for their sake. And this is where Abraham starts phase two of the negotiations. What if the 50 fall short by five? Would you destroy the city because of those missing five? God says okay, well, I won't destroy the city if there's 45. And Abraham speaks up again but what about 40, god, no, I'll leave the city for 40. Well, amazingly, abraham says oh, don't be irritated with me. But what if you only found 30? Okay, god says Well, I know I'm going to test your patience, but what about 20? Sure, abraham. God says well, I know I'm going to test your patience, but what about 20? Sure, abraham. Now Abraham must have known this city was in really, really bad shape, because he keeps on going. And he says finally, don't get angry with me, god, this is like the last time I'm going to beg you. But what if you only come up with 10? For the sake of only 10,. God says I won't destroy the city. Now, this is an interesting conversation because Abraham is negotiating with God. This isn't a conversation you have with someone you don't know. Clearly, they know each other. Clearly, abraham knows who God is.

Speaker 2: 5:39

Too many of us treat God and how we communicate with him in prayer like a lottery ticket. I bought a ticket, god. I know the odds are low, but I'll wait and see. Some people treat praying to God like they're getting a pop from a pop machine. I paid my dues, I put in my request and now I'm expecting the results to pop out the bottom, the results that please me. What an amazing account we see between a person just like you and I and the God of the universe, the very same God that you and I can know today. It's not random, it's not mechanical.

Speaker 2: 6:16

Like Abraham, moses is known in scriptures as a man of great faith. Exodus 32 teaches powerfully about prayer. Because of this prayer warrior, you see, moses goes up on Mount Sinai with the Lord. He's receiving the law, including the 10 commandments, and this takes 40 days and nights, which is kind of a long time not to see someone. So the people of Israel, they become impatient. They start making some really boneheaded moves. People of Israel, they become impatient, they start making some really boneheaded moves.

Speaker 2: 6:46

In verse 1 of Exodus 32, we read this when the people saw that Moses was so long and, coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said Come, make us gods who will go before us. And as for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don't even know what happened to him. Where it says they gathered around Aaron. This is probably not like a friendly gathering. Picture this as being a frustrated, angry mob. They're complaining to Aaron. Now.

Speaker 2: 7:17

Aaron should have done what he saw Moses do back in Numbers, chapter 16, verse 4. Moses literally falls on his face, praying to God for help. Aaron does not do that. Aaron does what so many of us husbands do we fail in the role of spiritual leader because he was just arrogant enough to seek a solution apart from God. So Aaron answers them well, take off your gold earrings that your wives and your sons and your daughters are wearing and bring them to me. So all the people took off their earrings and they brought them to Aaron, and he took what they handed him and they made it into an idol, cast in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool. Then they said these are your gods, israel, who brought you up out of Egypt. It was a flat out lie and Aaron knows it.

Speaker 2: 8:00

So the very next day, these blockheads get up early and they offer burnt offerings and peace offerings to a golden cow made the day before, as if it has power. What can this cow do? No matter, the people partied it up in verse 6. Then the Lord says to Moses go down, because your people, whom you brought out of Egypt, they've become corrupt. They've been quick to turn away from what I commanded them and they made themselves an idol, cast in the shape of a calf. They've bowed down to it, they've sacrificed to it and they've said these are your gods, israel, who brought you up out of Egypt. I've seen these people, the Lord said to Moses, and they are a stiff-necked people. Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation. Holy cow I mean literally holy cow God's going to nuke the people, but Moses, he says, it's not you, it's them. I'm going to get rid of the B team that I've given you and I'm going to make a great nation who follows you, both in what God says and the way he says it.

Speaker 2: 9:14

Aaron and the Israelites' sin had put these people in code red danger. But let's read on. Moses sought the favor of the Lord, his God. The Lord, he said why should your anger burn against your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a mighty hand? Why should the Egyptians say it was with evil intent that he brought them out? To kill them in the mountains, to wipe them off the face of the earth? Turn your fierce anger, relent. Don't bring disaster on your people. Remember your servants, abraham Isaac and israel, to whom you swore by your own self I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. I will give your descendants all the land I promised them and it will be their inheritance forever. And then the lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.

Speaker 2: 10:08

You see, moses is showing the power of prayer. He's pleading with God to withhold judgment on a sinful people and husbands. I want to encourage you. True spiritual leaders are able to identify those in their lowest points, not to be the fellow judge to God, but as someone looking to serve the people that they lead. This doesn't happen on our own strength. God thankfully tells of his judgment in advance. To afford these men an opportunity to repent and not praying in bad times is a failure to see God as God. In a family, in a marriage, we see sin. Often Through prayer and reading God's word I can actually know God, which enables us, which really empowers us, to be part of the solution in that other person's life. Maybe it's even your own life. Verse 30 says the next day, moses said to the people you've committed a great sin, but now I will go to the Lord. Perhaps I can make an atonement for your sin. So Moses goes back to the Lord and says whoa, what a great sin these people have committed. I get it. They've made themselves gods of gold, but now would you please forgive their sin and if not, then blot me out of the book you have written.

Speaker 2: 11:32

I want to introduce a really churchy term called intercessory prayer. This is basically someone praying on behalf of someone else. It's like an intervention In Moses' case. He was literally putting his own life on the line for a rebellious people case. He was literally putting his own life on the line for a rebellious people. He was willing to sacrifice himself and be separated from the Lord for their sake. And just when I think Moses was a crazy old man, I realized Christ voluntarily separated himself from the Father for my sake. He came to earth and lived a sinless life.

Speaker 2: 12:05

So a guy like me who sins all the time, so every person hearing my voice, can be with the Lord forever. How many times in our marriage do we say I can't even pray about this anymore, it is hopeless. Or I've prayed about it for weeks, for months. God, you haven't changed them. But what if God wanted you to not just watch from the sideline but be willing to be a tool in his hands for the change, for the repentance of those hearts? This is a real-life example for husbands and wives when their spouse or their children rebel and lapse, maybe into adultery. Right, we should pray for wayward members of our family, not disown them. This hits home for me too, because I don't like dealing with the lifestyle, the lies, the sin. You know what. Separation sometimes is just easier from those people that have been in rebellion.

Speaker 2: 13:02

Prayer, however, is not just about the simple things like blessing food to my body. Prayer is about a relationship, just like marriage is about a relationship. We've got to stop treating both as if they were some sort of ritual. This is key, because the word prayer doesn't actually mean the same thing to all people If I say the word monkey or clock, you all have a similar picture popping into your mind. When I say God, well, it gets a little more muddy. And if you add praying to that, god boy, it's just divisive.

Speaker 2: 13:34

Let me give you an example. One day I was getting sick at work and a co-worker says to me hey, you know what? You should take the rest of the day off and rest. And I said, yeah, I might do that. And he says well, you know what? I'm going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Speaker 2: 13:48

I knew this man did not believe in God and so I asked him what does that mean to you? Well, I guess it means I'll keep thinking about you, he said. I said, well, thank you, but how does that help? It's kind of like asking God to bless food to our bodies. Our bodies were literally made to eat food, to process it all the way, to burn it, to turn it into fuel. So how does asking God for food to go through our body show that we have a relationship with the creator of the world? This is a perfect example of something that maybe praying for food isn't wrong, but it shows us that we're engaging in a religious driven action and not a relationship-driven action. Now I realize I might be ruffling some feathers here. I grew up praying over every meal. Was that wrong?

Speaker 1: 14:35

No.

Speaker 2: 14:36

But let me relate this back to marriage. A relationship with God, I do acknowledge, is not the same as a relationship with your spouse, but it's been my observation through over 10 years of marriage counseling that the two tightly run in parallel. Let me explain that a little bit. If you're not close, it's easy to be ruled by fear. This is true for God and it's true for your relationship with your spouse. A while back a woman contacted us in a moment of panic as her husband had left town on a business trip by himself. She was asking for prayer. The temptation of other women gripped her thoughts. Would her husband be faithful? She was sure the risk was high.

Speaker 2: 15:22

When we do marriage God's way, we live in a close emotional, physical and spiritual relationship with our spouse. Think of this like a three-legged stool. When we do marriage God's way, we live in a close emotional, physical and spiritual relationship with our spouse. But when we don't do marriage his way, by observation you're going to see one or more of those three legs in marriage is missing and it falls down. So if we've not been in relationship in our marriage and we're emotionally disconnected, even when we have time together you spend it on your phone or mentally focused on that big situation at work. This is what I'm talking about. We actually see a lot of couples who are happier their spouse has other passions that don't involve them, because this gives them opportunity to be disengaged, to plug into their own passions. That's not a relationship. That's barely even being roommates. The point being is that if this emotional relationship isn't happening, it's easier for someone else to fill the gap, to become the best friend. If we've not been in a relationship and I mean a physically passionate one it's easier for someone to catch an eye and I get it. Passion can be a hard thing to measure, but I think you all know what I mean when we see it's missing. Passion is what makes me excited to see Tracy each morning. Passion is what I anticipate about each kiss with her. Passion is what causes the kind of physical relationship that fulfills. It doesn't leave a husband or a wife hungry. If we've not been in a relationship physically passionate, the fear controls one spouse while the temptation risk grips the other. Now, make no mistake. I'm not giving license for the sin of lusting. I'm also not giving license for the sexless marriage. Neither is okay biblically. However, sadly, both are common. I hope you're hearing how a real and right relationship built on God's marital rules produces a marriage that's alive. Now, if we don't treat God as God in a relationship, guess what we're minimizing him.

Speaker 2: 17:35

John was with Jesus for those critical years of Jesus' ministry. John was a disciple. He knew Jesus personally. He knew Jesus' passion for his people, for people like you and I, because he worked side by side with Jesus. John is credited with writing John, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John and Revelation in the Bible. He had firsthand knowledge and a heart to share what he knew with the generations who would follow.

Speaker 2: 18:02

I want you to listen to 1 John 5, verse 13. It says I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you can have eternal life. So, as a believer, this message is for you and I. Verse 14 says this is the confidence we have in approaching God that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of him. God's word is directly asking us to pray, to ask for the will of God and to be willing to follow his will. Let that sink in. As a child of God, we can ask for anything that's in alignment with his will.

Speaker 2: 18:43

When I married Tracy, we made a covenant. Do you remember? Yours Probably went something like you know to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death. Do us part. It wasn't to have and to hold till I don't want you anymore and then please just leave me alone. It wasn't. Let's just be roommates, that'll be fun. It wasn't I'll give when I feel like want you anymore and then please just leave me alone. It wasn't. Let's just be roommates, that'll be fun. It wasn't I'll give when I feel like it. No, it was. This needs to be a relationship from this day forward, through the tough stuff, through the easy stuff, to have to hold. In other words, we can't do this without being open, honest and current with each other. That is the difference between a contract and a covenant.

Speaker 2: 19:28

God made a covenant with us as well, and yet somehow we try to maintain that relationship like pen pals who connect a few times a year In marriage. God is not our backup plan. He's the first place we've got to turn. But, david, if I pray and all I get is what God wants, why should I be praying at all? Well, I want to use marriage as an analogy to answer this very good question. This is like saying to your spouse how I will treat you is unchangeable. Therefore, don't tell me your needs, don't share your fears, don't ask for your hopes and, you know what, don't even ask me about my heart's desires.

Speaker 2: 20:06

If these were the words said on our wedding day, we'd all walk away disappointed. But they weren't the words. Instead, we started our marriage with this vision. It was a vision of friendship and romance and passion, basically a picture in my head of what my spouse will do for me. Now the scary part is when our spouse stops fulfilling my dreams, when they lose focusing on me, we often see people turn in the towel. You know what this isn't working for me. What's the point? The reality is that those actions show that that marriage is a contract, not a covenant. It's give to get, it's 50-50. And that's the world's way, not God's.

Speaker 2: 20:49

God asks us to pray for and about his will. God says I'll give you anything that fits in those bounds. Of course, the problem is that we don't always want to stay in those bounds. John had a brother named James, and James actually had a lot to say about prayer as well. Listen to James 4, verse 3. You ask and you do not receive, because you ask wrongly to spend it on your passions. Do you hear how similar that is to the world's way of marriage? You demand from your spouse, you demand from God, but you don't receive because you're going to spend the outcome on your passions. You want a blessed, generous, covenant marriage. Good, get on your knees in prayer.

Speaker 2: 21:35

God asks us married people to be about our spouse. God even makes his will about this plainly clear all over the pages of the Bible. And no, it's not because our spouse deserves it. In fact, quite the opposite. God compels us to lean in with love at their worst moments, and not because you get something from it although obviously in lots of cases you do but because God would be glorified. That is a relationship. Of course we hope our spouse turns to us in times of need. Of course we want to know what's on their heart. Of course we hope to stay heart-to-heart current. That's what a marriage looks like. Right, just like a passionate marriage can't help but demonstrate a biblically healthy marriage.

Speaker 2: 22:20

Passionate, frequent prayer demonstrates a close walk with God. Your passion about God will be reflected in your prayer walk. Your passion about your marriage is actually going to be seen there too. Again, the two run in parallel. I see it all the time. Our relationship with God often mirrors our relationship with our spouse. When one relationship is mechanical, so is the other. When one relationship is on a 50-50 contract model to keep score, so is the other. When one relationship is bitter and you're giving your spouse the silent treatment, so is the other.

Speaker 2: 22:59

Well, now what I want to change, but I don't know how. Well, let me encourage you to put the Lord first. He needs to be your first priority, above all other, above the kids, above your job, above your friends or any other activities. Pray for your spouse daily, not that God would fix them, but that God would use you to be a part of their restoration. Take time to talk about the burdens and the celebrations in life and then sit down together and pray with each other. Take turns leading, pray out loud, worship together, attend church together, witness to others together about what God is doing. Spend quality time together with God. Make God and each other a priority. I want to end with a word picture of the relationship between a husband and wife in marriage. The biblical marriage is a relationship between three points the husband and the wife. They form the two base points of a triangle and the word God is the top of that triangle. Each spouse's passionate relationship with God through prayer builds a tighter unity inside their marriage.

Speaker 1: 24:22

Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.