Transforming Your Marriage By Changing Your Thoughts :: [Ep. 282]

Transforming Your Marriage By Changing Your Thoughts :: [Ep. 282]

In this week's episode, we are studying God's word to see how replacing negative thoughts about our husbands can profoundly impact our marriages and set relationships on new trajectories as we align our thinking with biblical truth.

We will talk about the following:

• Thoughts are like seeds in our minds—they can be harmful weeds that choke our marriage or seeds that bring joy and peace
• Negative thoughts about our husbands invite those thoughts to gain mastery over our emotions and conversations
• Our standards often stem from our upbringing, culture, friends, social media, and become expectations for our husbands
• God reveals Himself as El Hane'emen (the faithful God) and El Shaddai (the all-sufficient God) when we feel our needs aren't met
• Replacing critical thoughts requires surrendering our standards to God and developing a servant's heart toward our husband
• When our husbands struggle with obedience to God, we can nourish them with grace and truth rather than judgment

We hope that as you listen you are encouraged and helped! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Harmful Thoughts About Our Husbands
• 5:29 Thoughts Are Seeds in Our Minds
• 10:34 Standards, Expectations, and Worship
• 15:36 The Faithful God Who Provides
• 20:16 Replacing Toxic Thoughts with Truth
• 23:35 Closing and Ministry Support

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast designed for your marriage.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast. At one point or another, we've all had these thoughts about our husbands. He's not doing it the way I asked him to. He's never going to get it right, so I'll just have to deal with it. Why doesn't he just fill in the blank? Why am I the only one who ever?

Speaker 2: 0:42

I polled a group of women who were exceptionally honest with me about the thoughts they were having about their husbands, and it didn't take long to realize we're all in the same boat, thinking things we know might not be entirely true, but these ugly thoughts rear their heads more often than we might admit to Today. On part three of your self-talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship. We're going to study God's word. We're going to see what we should be thinking, even when our hubby doesn't come up to snuff. We're going to really get a good handle on what we should be replacing these thoughts with and how all of this will profoundly impact our marriages. Find out how you can set your marriage on a new trajectory just by changing the way you think about your husband. On today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel that you can apply immediately to your marriage. I'm your host, traci. Sellers of Vows to Keep. David and I are biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place.

Speaker 2: 1:49

The thoughts we allow to linger in our minds, the ones we chew on throughout the day, the flaws of our spouse that we tend to fixate on, are powerful forces in our relationship. Thoughts have a way of seeming benign. What harm can they do? No one sees what I'm thinking and I never share these things out loud. No harm, no foul right. But thoughts are like seeds in the garden of our minds seeds of choking, harmful weeds that will crowd out anything good. Or they could be seeds that are going to bring joy and peace into our homes. Make no mistake your thought. Life matters tremendously, and it's something that God addresses in his word over and over again. Think of your marriage like a greenhouse or a garden. Your heart and mind is the soil. Your thoughts are the seeds. What you harvest for your marriage is in direct correlation to the deepest parts of you that no one can see. I've noticed in my own life that when I have negative thoughts about David, I'm inviting them actually to gain mastery over my emotions. Soon, I find the way that I feel is controlling my attitude and my conversations with David and I begin to reap what I've sown.

Speaker 2: 3:00

Galatians 6 is what I'm referring to here. Reaping what you sow is not just a little catch phrase of our generation. It's a promise from God himself that we can do things that will give us the outcome we're looking for, or things that are going to lead us down a road we would never purposefully choose. It all depends on what we sow. Verses 8 and 9 of Galatians 6 explain it a little bit further. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature, it says, will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.

Speaker 2: 3:35

When my husband is not doing what I've asked or the way that I asked and it's affecting me in some way, I feel I have the right to indulge in a little self-pity, maybe a little self-righteousness, maybe even a little selfishness. I mean, come on, he's been neglectful on something important for the last year and I'm tired of it. If I continue in these thoughts, though. My marriage is going to reap some form of destruction. It might not be divorce, we may even still get along most of the time, but the roots are becoming rotten and the leaves of our marriage are withering, when there's nothing good between us anymore. I need to look at what I've been sowing. This may be hard to hear, but we both need it. Today, when I'm allowing his shortcomings to set my emotions for the rest of the day or the week or the year, I am satisfying my sinful nature. I'm not planting seeds of forgiveness. I'm justifying my thoughts based upon my standards, not God's.

Speaker 2: 4:36

I love how James 3.18 shows us the opposite side of the coin about this topic. It says a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. I really hope you hear my heart for you in this topic today. I am in the same boat as you. My mind is not impenetrable to Satan's lies or tricks, and neither is yours. We not only have to stay alert to the thoughts that are scrolling through our mind, where they come from, if they belong, whether they're true or not. We also need to know what to do with them, and that's where we're going to spend the rest of our time here together. Today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going to identify the thoughts, how they poison our marriage, what we need to believe instead, how our new belief is going to lead to truthful thought and the harvest that we can expect in our marriage just by changing the way that we think.

Speaker 2: 5:29

Let's look at two schools of thought we have about our husbands and as we go, I think we'll see how much they're going to dovetail into each other. First are the thoughts that I'll put this heading on. Okay, he's doing that wrong. My friends told me these thoughts are common for them. He's never going to get it, so I'll just have to deal with it. That's not how I would do it. My way is better, and he's not doing it the way that I would. He's not doing it the way I asked him to. Is he deaf or dumb? He just doesn't get it. He might be asking yeah, but if these thoughts are true, then how can I not think them? Rather than narrowing our focus on whether he is or is not doing what we've asked, or doing something the way we prefer, let's look at us for just a minute. When thoughts like these pop up, that doesn't necessarily mean that our husband doesn't need to change, but they are a clue that there's something in our own heart that needs to be paid attention to. Let's break down how we can get from he's doing that wrong to a problem with us. He's never going to get it. My way is right or better.

Speaker 2: 6:36

Each of these thoughts expose what matters to us. They reveal our level of perfection, our measuring stick. They reveal our level of perfection, our measuring stick, our standard, and, when boiled down, our standards are really just what we expect. What we expect often turns into a demand. Our demands reveal what we feel we have a right to, and what we feel we have a right to is what we think we have to have in order to be satisfied and fulfilled and happy. What we think will make us happy is what we place in the highest priority in our life, and that becomes what we worship, basically, what we allow to control our lives and our homes. The progression goes like this we start with standards, that moves into expectations, demands, rights, priority and finally worship. And we're going to touch on all of these, but I want to specifically highlight standards, expectations and worship. Today, this progression is so key to understand, because when we're denied what we think will make us happy, that's when those unhappy thoughts about our husband begin to sneak in, thoughts that may or may not be entirely true, depending on whose standard they're being measured against. So if it all starts with the standard, our benchmark for the way we think things should be, then let's examine that for a minute.

Speaker 2: 7:58

Where did your measuring stick come from? For me, sometimes it goes back to the way that I was raised. Perfection was the standard, and sometimes that bleeds into my marriage and my home. My standard can also be extremely swayed by friends, culture, society and what I'm told is the best way for doing something that becomes a standard I adopt with no questions asked sometimes. Where does my ideal come from for a perfect home life, marriage, children, career, bank account, body, hair routine, sunday morning sleeping schedule, eating plan or whatever? Come from? Where do these things come from? Don't let this go in one ear and out the other.

Speaker 2: 8:41

Today I really want you to take time to examine each of these aspects of your life with an open heart before God. A big one for me as a Christian is I tend toward legalism rather than grace, and that's definitely something I have to watch out for in what I'm expecting from David, am I asking him to perform and, if so, what's my goal? Sometimes it's to be in control, because I think I know best. Control is a big one, I think, for all of us, especially when it comes to something that matters to us. When we're parenting that matters, so we want to make sure it's done right. When the kids are out of the home, it can become the house that matters, everything done our way.

Speaker 2: 9:22

A lot of us fall prey to keeping up with appearances, no matter what stage of life we're in, and Jesus speaks pretty plainly about this in Matthew, chapter 23,. Not just cleaning the outside of the cup to look good to others the picture of a perfect marriage or family or whatever but working on what's on the inside. The biggest problem for me with this one is that I end up demanding that my family help me make sure we appear just so to others. So what matters to you? What are your standards? A good way to find out is to watch your reaction and especially your thoughts when what matters to you is put on the back burner by someone else, namely your husband. You know, if we wanted to, we could even take it one step further still and see that our standards come from our beliefs. For example, if I believe that God will love me more when I perform, I pass that on to my relationship with David and I turn our relationship into a legalistic one. If I believe I know best, I'm going to push for my agenda every single time. So now the progression goes like this Beliefs, standards, expectations, demands, rights, priorities and finally, worship.

Speaker 2: 10:34

Following closely on the heels of standards comes expectations, really those unmet expectations. So let's talk about that for a minute. Not filtered through the lens of God's word, expectations can turn into something that really gnaws away at the foundation of our relationship. It quickly divides us. These thoughts are ones I've had and the girls I polled said were true for them as well.

Speaker 2: 11:00

Number one, I wish he would. Number two were true for them as well. Number one, I wish he would. Number two why doesn't he just and why am I the only one? Whoever, those are all expectations. So when was the last time you found yourself fuming inside because your husband didn't meet your expectations? It could be as simple as the way he changed the diaper to the fact that you've asked him a dozen times to do something and he hasn't shown any interest in following through. Or maybe it's something more serious, like the way he's parenting your teenagers, or not spiritually, leading anywhere near to what you would like In the progression of beliefs, standards, expectations, demands, rights, priorities and worship. Where would you peg yourself in the last mantra of thoughts you've had running through your mind about your husband? Where are you at on that spectrum? Think about it for a minute.

Speaker 1: 11:50

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vows to keep. Dot com. Vows to keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 2: 12:05

What was the last thing that really irked you about what they said or did or maybe most of the time didn't do? Are your standards, and therefore your expectations, just now getting set by someone or something? You've recently been immersing yourself in a blog, a show, a group of friends, something you steer towards on social media. Did your heartburn over that frustrating situation with him stem from him not following through on something you demanded? Even if your demands weren't in the form of shouting maybe they were more like sighing, ignoring, slamming the door, not giving affection until you got what you wanted Was the first feeling you had after he missed the boat on one of your expectations, one of pride. I deserve to get that from him, whatever the that is. Am I upset because his priority outweighed mine and now it's a tug of war to see whose expectation will win? Or maybe you're not in the middle of this progression at all. You're all the way on the end, a place all of us are going to find ourselves. When we use our standard to guide our lives and measure our spouse by. We're going to get into worship territory, and that's dangerous because now, all of a sudden, we're not living for God and his eternal kingdom we're living for us. We're so wrapped up in everything going the way we think it should go. We begin to make our picture of perfect a priority over everything else and, believe me, it can start so small that you don't even realize it's happening. That's how it was with me, and you can listen to part one of this series to hear some of my story on this.

Speaker 2: 13:39

My pastor just taught recently on the golden calf in Exodus 32. And when I read that story about how Moses went up on the mountain, he met with God and God gave him these 10 commandments, I really see God's love for his people, israel. And then I see the silly Israelites. They're at the bottom of the mountain, they're getting impatient while Moses is gone and they demand that an idol be made so that they can not only worship it but put their trust in it to lead them to what they really want. They want the promised land. And in my humanness I shake my head at their stupidity. Really, like the one, true God has delivered you from a life of slavery in Egypt. And the second, you don't get what you want when you want it. You make a cow out of gold and worship it. Yep, that's what happened? Belief that God wasn't enough caused them to set a new standard, just like we do. They altered everything their expectations, their rights and what they worshiped, and I think we've done the same thing.

Speaker 2: 14:38

I get so wrapped up in my life's specifications that I don't realize I'm not growing in my personal relationship with God, nor is my marriage getting healthy. In fact, I'm planting poisonous weeds in the name of what I think is best, whether the issues are big or small, whether your husband is guilty or not guilty. If you and I want to harvest righteousness, build up our marriage and not tear it down with our thoughts, we need truth from God's word. Whatever I've set up my standards and expectations to be, and whatever belief they stem from, I need to surrender them to the Lord. I need to come before God and lay down what I think are my rights and ask him to till up the soil in my heart and mind and make it fresh with his truth. I need to confess that I've been planting poisonous thought weeds that I now see have been choking the health of my marriage. Lord, please help us. Help us to be humble before you and confess that your way is better than ours, even in the things like when winning our way in the moment doesn't seem like it's going to matter in the grand scheme of things. Help us to make you and your word the standard that we live by. Lord, align my expectations of my husband with your expectations of him and allow me to be a tool in his life to help him become more like you and God. Help my heart to have allegiance only to you and not what I think is the right way.

Speaker 2: 15:59

As you probably know from reading the Old Testament, the golden calf was just one of the many times that the Israelites turned to worshiping other things. In Deuteronomy 6 and 7, they were just about to enter into the promised land and God is giving them some final instructions he knows they need to hear. Hey, you're going to want to go back to thinking that you know best, but this time, follow my commands. Remember, I've been there for you all this time. Remember what I rescued you from. I've got awesome things waiting up ahead, but you've got to put me above you to get those blessings. Of course I'm paraphrasing here. God reiterates what he's saying to them in Deuteronomy 7, 9. He says this is my name. I am El Hane. Amen.

Speaker 2: 16:41

I cannot say that in Hebrew, but that's okay. It means the faithful God. It means to support and nourish. It's a term like a loving parent who draws their child to their chest and whispers in their ear I've got you, you're safe, I'll take care of everything. You can picture that scene, because you long to be held like that. Or you are a mama and your heart is full for your child. You want them to know that they're precious to you, even when they don't do the right thing.

Speaker 2: 17:10

God also calls himself El Shaddai, the all-sufficient God. That name for God is found 48 places in scripture, probably one of the most recognizable Hebrew names of God, el Shaddai. The direct translation is he's the almighty God, the God of more than enough. It's also interpreted the mighty one to nourish. He's teaching us that he's not just a knight on a white horse who rides in at the last possible moment to give us what we need. No, he is a provider, someone willing to do the hard work over the long haul because he cherishes us.

Speaker 2: 17:44

In the last two episodes in this series on Vows to Keep Radio, we studied how the names of God are so important to us, replacing negative thoughts with what we should be thinking when I feel unseen by my husband, I can call on El Roy, the God who sees me. When I feel like I can't love anymore, I can turn to El Salih, the God of my strength. He's my rock. I can't love anymore. I can turn to El Sali, the God of my strength. He's my rock. When my prejudgment and my prejudice against my spouse overwhelms my emotions, I call on El Chanun, the gracious God, who longs to change my heart and teach me how he feels about me.

Speaker 2: 18:17

Today. Let's turn to God, our El Shaddai, our El Hane'emen, the faithful God, our El Shaddai, our El Hanayim, the faithful God, the God of more than enough, knowing that we don't need to provide for ourselves by demanding our standards and expectations be followed to the T. Our El Shaddai is Almighty God. He is capable of providing for us in those big things that our husband doesn't seem to have interest in doing. Our El Hanayim is our faithful God, who knows exactly what we need.

Speaker 2: 18:44

In the little moments when our frustration rises, when our spouse doesn't help with the kids or give us the love we expect or the love that we need, how do we make the transition from our demands to running into the arms of God, asking him to meet our needs and not our husband's. Trust has to come first every time. That's what God was asking the Israelites to do in Deuteronomy 6 and 7. Remember how I've given you everything you needed in the past. Trust that I'll do it again and again. Don't try to make your own way. Follow my way and you'll truly be in the promised land.

Speaker 2: 19:22

This is pivotal stuff. Don't miss this point that you and I need to come before God one-on-one and not just kneel at his feet in total surrender, but also to look up into his eyes and see that sweet invitation to jump into his arms. It's easiest to do this when we do it daily. Make it a habit to call out to your faithful God and to thank him. A heart of gratefulness for who God is, his unchanging nature, is going to give you a peace that I think you and I are looking for.

Speaker 2: 19:51

We don't have to run around like chickens with our heads cut off, searching, seeking, demanding that our standards be met. God already knows exactly what we need, our real needs, not what we think will make us happy. He's not going to give us something that's going to take his place of priority in our hearts, but he will always meet the true needs of our heart and our life. Remember those poisonous thoughts. He's not doing it the way I asked. Why am I the only one who ever? Why doesn't he just? I want to surrender those thoughts so that God can grow a harvest of righteousness in my marriage.

Speaker 2: 20:26

If you're ready to replace those thoughts, here's a direct way you can begin doing that today. Have a servant's heart towards your husband, knowing God's intent towards you. Now you can mirror that in your marriage. Look for ways to nourish your marriage, to come alongside him as a helpmate, to not demand your way or think that you know best. If we're not consumed with getting things our way, we'll be looking to God to make us happy, and that's going to free up the soil of our marriage to be a place where healthy seeds can be planted.

Speaker 2: 20:56

Here's just a small side note before we end. If you're having heartburn over something that God is asking of your husband, if God is asking him to be obedient in whatever it is and he's being stubborn or hardheaded, you're in a perfect spot in his life Not to judge him, not to berate him, not to nag him, but God can use you in his life right now to nourish him, to come alongside him with the word of God, with grace and with truth. God may be asking you to work hard to provide what your husband needs in the exact moment that he's being mule-headed. It may not be well-received, it most likely won't be in the moment, but remember this isn't you demanding your way, this isn't your standards and your expectations being met. This is you helping your husband to run into the arms of his provider, his El Shaddai. Whenever any of us disobey, we are believing that God won't supply or that what he gives will be insufficient. Sin boils down to us providing for ourselves. You're going to do it often. Your husband is no different. Only Jesus believed perfectly. We're striving to become like him, so strive next to your husband. I'm going to end by giving you some homework today, and I'm going to put this in the show notes as well. This will be in the free resource I'm going to offer to you at the end of this broadcast.

Speaker 2: 22:19

Read Romans, chapter 6, 11 through 23, and Deuteronomy 7, 1 through 10, and Romans 7, 3 through 6. The thoughts we dwell on come back to the condition of our hearts. It all boils down to a matter of allegiance. Are we a slave to self, to sin or to God? Am I my standard for my husband to live up to, or will I make God's word my standard and trust my El Shaddai to give me what I need? Let Hosea 10-12 minister to your heart and build your faith, and look for the next episode of your self-talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship. Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love and break up your unplowed ground, for it is time to seek the Lord until he comes and showers his righteousness on you. Our hearts have been hard, haven't they? They haven't been plowed up. So let's renew our minds so we can produce that good crop. Let's plant the seeds of truth so that we can harvest the fruit of God's faithful love. Like that verse from Hosea 10 said, it's time to trust the Lord to provide for you, and when you do, you'll see a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Speaker 2: 23:35

Hi, this is Tracy from Vows to Keep Radio. We're asking you to help us become fully funded so Vows to Keep has the financial resources to keep sharing hope with marriages like yours. God is growing this ministry tremendously and the testimonies we hear confirm that God's word does not return void. Right now we need an additional $6,500 a month. Would you consider becoming a monthly partner with us to build biblically healthy marriages? We're asking 100 families to give $50 a month and 60 families to give $25 a month. Prayerfully, make your best gift at vowstokeepcom.

Speaker 1: 24:11

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. No-transcript.