The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Breaking Free from Toxic Self-Talk :: [Ep. 281]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 281

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Breaking Free from Toxic Self-Talk :: [Ep. 281]

This week, we are exploring how silent, judgmental thoughts about our husbands can slowly poison our marriages, revealing the destructive power of "he always" and "he never" generalizations.

We are talking about the following:
• The hidden danger of carrying on mental conversations with our spouses while trying to maintain normal interactions
• How seemingly innocent thoughts become toxic generalizations
• Self-righteousness prevents us from seeing God's work in our spouse's heart
• Three practical steps to transform toxic thoughts
• The importance of not letting the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26)
• How to become an agent of mercy and grace in your husband's life

Come listen and be encouraged on how to better build a biblically healthy marriage!


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast. Designed for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Do you ever have a conversation with yourself in your head about your husband mentally berating him for something that he isn't doing right? When he just doesn't get it, do you silently call him names. What a fool, what a jerk, what an idiot. If we're not careful, we can find ourselves keeping score in our marriage and pretty soon the list of our husband's shortcomings becomes a constant weight that we carry around. Now I don't want to admit it, but this is me. Sometimes I let thoughts like these linger without understanding They've got profound consequences. Until recently, I hadn't considered that silent judgment could be slowly sabotaging my marriage. The he always thoughts and the he never thoughts make me cynical and judgmental. He always interrupts, he always has a comeback, he always thinks he's so righteous. He never compliments me, he never helps me, he never listens, he never picks up after himself. Join me today on Vows to Keep Radio as we continue in the series. Your Self-Talk About your husband could be ruining your relationship. We'll unpack where thoughts like these come from, why we have them, what to do differently so that we can have healthy hearts and minds towards our husbands. You haven't traveled too far down this road to turn around. It is possible. How? Find out in today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you get sound biblical counsel that you can apply immediately to your marriage. I'm your host, traci. Sellers of Vows to Keep, david and I are biblical marriage counselors. We're authors, teachers, podcast hosts, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place.

Speaker 2:

First Corinthians 2.16 makes a strong statement. It says we have the mind of Christ Really Like. If all the thoughts I've had over the last week were recorded and I was just able to see them at a glance, I might not think that statement is quite so true. I don't know about you, but my thoughts vacillate from godly to sinful, to fearful, to hopeful, to judgmental to kind within the scope of an hour in the day. I can be doing so good where no one else can see. You know what I mean. My thoughts are in the safe zone, so to speak. I walk out of the bedroom in the morning. I'm wearing my best intentions but given the perfect storm of frustrations, fatigue and feeling overwhelmed and I can mentally tank quicker than the Titanic, and that's just when I'm alone Add in other people and all of their sin, their distractions, their kinks and quirks, especially those close to me like my kids and my husband, and my thoughts can turn ugly with the snap of a finger Annoyances, unmet expectation and a family that's late again, or the stairs are piggy piled with everyone's stuff again, or I realize it's 530 and no one but me is going to lift a finger to put dinner on the table, and bam, it's Mrs Nasty, but not necessarily out loud. I can do a pretty good job of keeping my thoughts inside, or at least I think I do, until someone asks hey, why are you so crabby? Or I spill something, or I hurt my finger, or some other trigger happens and all of a sudden it all comes spilling out.

Speaker 2:

The problem of our rampant thoughts is more serious than I think we give it credit for. Could my thoughts really be ruining my marriage? Well, the bottom line is that I'm carrying on a conversation with my husband in my head and, at the same time, I'm trying to maintain the status quo in our conversations, in our interactions together. And, trust me, this is a recipe for disaster, and it starts so insidiously that we may not even realize it's becoming a repeated habit. That's how it was with me.

Speaker 2:

We tend to lump our spouse's shortcomings into categories, and here are the two biggest ones I want to talk about today. He always and he never. We generalize whatever he does that has even a hint of unfairness, and we tell ourselves this is the way he is about everything. When I polled my friends and asked what thoughts they had about their husbands, this is what they said. He always interrupts, he always has a comeback, he never helps me, he never listens. It feels so good to dwell on these kinds of thoughts. They follow us into the next room as we walk away from the fight. They validate our feelings when our toes have been stepped on For days after the initial inciting incident when the thoughts entered our minds, we wear them like something that we've earned. Most of the time, the root of these thoughts is something that's been long standing between the two of you. An example is probably popping into your mind right now, an issue you've been around the mountain on, at least in your thoughts, for years, and it's starting to wear on you. My example is a little hard for me to say out loud, and if I asked you to share yours, you might say yours is hard to share as well.

Speaker 2:

So let me start by saying that my family is a car family. I mean like total car nuts. Since we've been married, we've restored and sold over 100 cars. This is how David grew up. He had a dad who had his own machine shop and they spent countless hours in that shop together. David learned everything there is to know about engines, interiors, paint jobs, everything. He's taken that knowledge and experience and it's been great for our family over the years, because we've not only had a ton of fun with these classic cars as a family, we also do late model cars that are wrecked and we repair them. So, guess what? We don't have any car payments. We also have been able to use it to pay off debt and David's teaching our three teenagers how to do their own work so that they can stay out of debt and repair their own vehicles over the course of their life. One of the awesome things about David teaching our kids is that they have tons of shoulder to shoulder time in the garage together. Have you ever noticed that you can talk to your kids about hard and awkward topics when you're working on something side by side better than you can if you're face to face. That's just how it is, and David is a rock star dad. He's using this time to mentor and disciple our kids and I'm so grateful.

Speaker 2:

Now you probably hear a buck coming, and there is one for me. It started with canoes, of all things, with Thou's to Keep. We've done lots of fun couple dates over the years and one of those is a canoe date. We've done several and I've really come to love that two-hour canoe ride with just David and I. We take our kids sometimes and it is just so much fun no cell phones, there's no to-do list, just cool, clear water and time to connect.

Speaker 2:

Well, about three years ago I was ready again for another one of these canoe trips with the family. Summer was coming on and I was just itching to get out. You know how that is. But that year summer came and went without any canoe trips. We were building in addition to our garage and we had a lot of car projects going on that summer and I do mean a lot. In fact I stopped keeping track. Our kids were at an age where they were needing wheels of their own and David wanted to help them not only learn those repairs but also to make some money to help pay for college, not only learn those repairs, but also to make some money to help pay for college. I was frustrated, but after asking a few times you know what I just let it go. Now, here we are, three summers later, and still no canoe trip.

Speaker 2:

Now, to be fair, we've done all kinds of other fun things as a family. We've had hundreds of hours of connection and you know what? I really don't have anything to have regret over, but still in the back of my mind there's these always and these never thoughts that creep in. I remind myself that not too many years ago, when it was Thursday or Friday, we made a habit to ask each other hey, what do you want to do this weekend? Now the conversation has sort of morphed into what are you doing this Saturday? It's not much of a word change, but it does have a complete meaning change.

Speaker 2:

And I find myself saying in my head he never asked me what I want to do this weekend. Now, please understand that my husband doesn't always have car projects. It's not like he never asked me what I want to do on a weekend. In fact, just last Saturday he asked and we had an all day date with such a special time together. But that's really where the problem lies, isn't it? These, always, these never statements that I'm repeating to myself are not 100% true, but when I noticed them replaying in my mind, that's a giant clue to me that either bitterness or resentment has brewed long enough in my heart that now I'm in unforgiveness territory. When I cover all the weekends of our life with one blanket statement that isn't actually true, it's clear that my heart has made up its mind that there's an injustice happening. Think of it this way A hurt from three years ago is clouding my judgment and my assessment of my husband and actually putting me in judgment of him.

Speaker 2:

Last week, we talked about these thoughts. He just doesn't understand me, he doesn't see me, he doesn't get me. Nothing will ever change. He'll never change. I should just get used to it. There's no point. If you missed that, find what you need.

Speaker 2:

At VowsToKeepcom, we talked about what's at the root of thoughts like these and we did something really cool that we're going to do again today. We'll connect the dots between our judgmental thoughts and who God is, specifically His attributes and His names. Last week, we studied what Hagar called God when she felt cast away and misunderstood. She said you are El Roy, to me, you are the God who sees me. When we're feeling invisible and invaluable to our husbands, god sees, he understands, he wants to draw us close to him. When we just want to give up, we don't see there's any hope because nothing will ever change. We can hide ourselves in our rock, el Sali, the God of our strength. We can remind ourselves of what God has done for us, not what our spouse hasn't.

Speaker 2:

The goal here in this broadcast, the goal here in this series, is to make a heart and therefore a thought shift. When our minds are tearing down our relationship, we need to set them on truth, the truth of who God is, because he can help us have the mind of Christ. We can banish these thoughts that have become so habitual to us and start making new habits, replacing them with thoughts that build our marriage and not tear it down. So stick with me today as we look briefly at the story of Jonah in the Old Testament. This is going to be really relevant for us.

Speaker 2:

Jonah's story is short, with sweet and sour mixed in. Jonah called God El Chanun, the gracious God, near the end of the book, in chapter four, but it really wasn't a compliment. He felt that God was being unfair and he was pretty upset about what God chose to do with Nineveh. Let me give you a little backstory. Jonah was a prophet and he was sent to speak God's word to people who needed them, just like you and I are in our spouse's life to speak God's truth to them.

Speaker 2:

God saw a city in misery, nineveh. They were in the misery of their own sin and he had compassion on them. Nineveh was entrenched in evil. Nineveh, they were in the misery of their own sin and he had compassion on them. Nineveh was entrenched in evil and God wanted to use Jonah to bring them up out of the pit. But Jonah, I think, had a few nevers, and a few always about Nineveh, never mind that there were 120,000 people about to be destroyed if they didn't repent. Jonah had a bone to pick with them and with God. Basically, he was playing judge God. Really, nineveh Like have you seen what they do? They don't deserve to be saved. By the way, I do. They always disobey you. They never repent. Jonah has the stupidest argument with God I think that anyone can have.

Speaker 2:

God saw that the city had turned and repented of their evil ways, and he relented and didn't bring on them the destruction that he had threatened. He was showing Nineveh mercy. Mercy is not getting what we deserve and Jonah is just incensed about this turn of events. He doesn't think they deserve to be let off the hook.

Speaker 2:

And Jonah 4 says but to Jonah this seemed very wrong and he became angry. He prayed to the Lord. Isn't this what I said, lord, when I was still at home? That's why I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God. Here he calls him. You are El Chanun, slow to anger, abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live. But the Lord replied is it right for you to be angry?

Speaker 2:

We feel that same indignation when our husband asked for affection, but in our mind he's just not coming up to snuff. We feel the same unfairness that Jonah did when our husband hasn't been pulling his weight, he hasn't been earning his keep around the house. Your husband might not appreciate all you've done for him. Your husband might even go so far as to create real injustices for you, and yet God still is calling you to be a loving helpmate to them. He's calling you to be a constant encourager, a source of the truth that your hubby needs to hear, even on his worst day.

Speaker 2:

There are two reasons, I think, why Jonah would be mad at God that he would show grace and compassion to Nineveh. Remember, mercy is not getting what we do deserve and grace is getting the blessings that we don't deserve. God wants to give both to Nineveh. God wants to give both to your husband, but Jonah's not happy about this. And number one, I think it's because of his own self-righteousness. When we think we're better than our husband, we would naturally be angry that we would have to show them grace and compassion and mercy.

Speaker 2:

Self-righteousness does not make for a no judgment zone in our home. Just the opposite. Keeping score on his performance, especially when compared to our own, is a recipe for division. If we're in judgment on his every move, his every decision, his every word, we're going to put everything he does under the umbrella of he just doesn't care, or he always and he never. Maybe this is how Jonah felt. Nineveh didn't give a rip and they just did what they wanted, with no thought to the consequences. Their actions prove that they weren't worthy of love. Well, at least to Jonah.

Speaker 2:

The second reason I think Jonah was angry are the same emotions that we feel when we think he always thinks he's so right, he's so self-righteous, which, in our minds, means we've determined that he's wrong and he's using a cover up to get away with it. There may be things under the surface, though, that we aren't seeing. We should want God to be working in our husband's heart. We should want God to be calling out to them, drawing them close, making them more like him, but we miss this precious opportunity to be a huge part of that when we make judgments about his self-righteousness, all the while wallowing in our own self-righteousness. Yes, it is quite ironic. There's something really interesting about this wicked city that I don't want us to miss today. It may seem small, but this is a big lesson. When Jonah finally obeyed God and went to share this message of salvation with them, they didn't throw him out of the city, they didn't laugh at him.

Speaker 2:

Chapter 3, verse 5, says that they believed God. God's mercy and grace shown through us, spoken through us to our husbands, especially when it's least deserved, can be more impactful than we ever realize. God's mercy and grace lived out through you to your husband may be exactly what he needs to take his next step spiritually. So what's the first thing that comes to mind when I say he always and he never? These thoughts are not innocuous. Your thoughts about your husband, whether they're shared out loud or not, always have impact. They either poison or they plant. We're going to get more into that in part three of this series, but let's talk about judgment and keeping score for just a second, because those cause us to be spiteful and they cause us to be malicious. We want harm to come to them rather than God's grace to be showered on them. Seeing our spouse, though, through God's eyes of mercy and grace, causes us to be able to keep in step with the Spirit, like God's word talks about, and the result of that is going to be really obvious, not only in our thoughts, but in our words and our attitude love and joy, and peace and patience, and so on.

Speaker 2:

Ephesians 4 is somewhere that I turn to often for how to be in relationships, especially ones that are hard, the way that God intended. If we put the principles shared here into practice, they're going to become, or they're going to change, the heart and culture of our home. Listen to Ephesians 4, 31 and 32. It says let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Speaker 2:

Bitterness is a poison. It eats at the fabric of our marriage and it stems from the belief that our husband isn't worthy of fill in the blank with your own noun. Our husband isn't worthy of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, respect. Bitterness is the opposite of the heart of God for our husband. God longs to give your husband the things you are withholding from them. Hebrews 12 says that we should strive for peace with everyone and we should see to it that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble and causes many to become defiled. Your own belief in this attribute of God, his mercy and grace for your own heart and life is going to change your thoughts towards your husband. A correct view of God and what he thinks of you is going to be a spade long enough to dig out that root of bitterness and enable you to forgive.

Speaker 2:

The story of Jonah doesn't end with him believing what he needs to. There's not really a happy ending here. He's still holding on to the prejudice against Nineveh. He's convinced he knows the best outcome. But El Chinun, the gracious God, longs to take your prejudice and my prejudice and my prejudgment against my spouse and use it to teach me how he feels about me. Is the grace and mercy getting what you don't deserve and not getting what you do deserve that you and I have received from God really so inconsequential that we refuse to see our spouse as anything but a foregone conclusion, an inevitable result? Will you stand your ground and say that you already know with certainty how your husband will respond, if you love them with God's love?

Speaker 2:

There are three things I want to close with today as you seek to eradicate these thoughts and replace them with the truth of who God is. Number one forgive. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to write down all your he always and all your he nevers. I want you to say he always and then fill in the blank as many times as that takes he never. And fill in the blank as many times as that takes he never. And fill in the blank as many times as that takes. I want you to see them in black and white and then I want you to go to the Lord in prayer If you're generalizing something, there's most likely unforgiveness there and then ask your spouse to forgive you for judging them. Let them know instead. Hey, I'm on your team and I'm going to lean into you with grace and mercy every time.

Speaker 2:

Number two celebrate the victories. This one's going to be a little tricky because you don't want to get into scorekeeping territory again, but do give praise when it's due and encouragement when it isn't. The power of our words should not be underestimated. Jonah's words turn the hearts of 120,000 people to God. So find out what encourages your husband the most and you know what it may not be with words and celebrate the victories. And number three if you find yourself swinging on that pendulum of just trying to keep your thoughts all in order one minute and lashing out the next, remember it's always a matter of your heart.

Speaker 2:

James 3, starting in verse 9, helps us understand this paradigm. It says with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father and with it we curse human beings who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praising and cursing. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring, my brothers and sisters? Can a fig tree bear olives or a grapevine bear figs. Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. It says, my brothers and sisters, this should not be so. You don't need to have a talk with your husband about where he needs to change. You need to have a talk with God about you. When your heart is right before God on what's bugging you, it's going to change what you think, what you say and what you do. When something crops up and you find yourself laying awake at night rehearsing that last conversation in your head, it's time to take care of the issue. Don't let a root of bitterness spring up between you and cause division.

Speaker 2:

Psalm 4, 4 says tremble and do not sin In your anger. Do not sin when you're on your beds. Search your hearts and be silent. The anger referred to here, I think, is not one where you're just raging at your husband, wanting him to change, wanting him to treat you better. This is the silent, slow burn that keeps you up at night. The rage of a hurt heart can be mute for long periods of time, but it can be oh so destructive to your marriage. It's usually when we're alone, when we replay the words, that hurt us. The infuriation of not being understood, the indignation of his self-righteousness. When he's breathing heavily beside you and the house is quiet for the night, that's when our thoughts can run rampant. We eventually drop off to sleep, but in the morning nothing has changed. Our incense towards him is only greater because of our meditation of his misdeeds.

Speaker 2:

Ephesians 4 says be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Let's put that into practice. Come before God and get right. Then, if needed, wake your husband up. It is better to lose an hour of sleep in conversation that's going to unite you than to lay awake stewing something that's only going to cause harm. This is something we're going to have to stay current on. This is not a one-time thing. So get some alone time with God today. Get serious before him about your heart.

Speaker 2:

Our natural tendency, like Jonah, is to assume guilt rather than give grace. Like God does. El Chinun, you've been called to be an agent of mercy and grace in your husband's life, despite how he always or he never. The people of Nineveh needed to know that God was for them. Jonah's message repent now and God will not destroy. You told them that. So what is the message that your husband needs to hear. What specific things does he need to receive from you that you've been withholding that really in your mind he doesn't deserve? What specific thing have you been trying to make him pay for, and how would God use you this week to bless him? Remember, fresh and salt water can't come from the same well, forgive. Don't put a blanket judgment on him and draw from the God of mercy and grace who longs to pour into your husband's heart using you.

Speaker 2:

I want to end by reading Psalm 103 in the message version. God is sheer mercy and grace, not easily angered. He's rich in love. He doesn't endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. As parents feel for their children, god feels for those who fear him. He knows us inside out, keeps in mind that we are made of mud. God's love is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, making everything right for them and their children as they follow his covenant ways and remember to do whatever he said.

Speaker 2:

We're going to continue this series next time on Vows to Keep Radio, how yourself talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship. We'll talk about the thoughts that enter your mind. Like he's not doing it the way I asked him to. He's never going to get it right, so I'll just have to deal with it. Why doesn't he just fill in the blank? And why am I the only one who ever does this? In the meantime, I want to give you a great resource that you can print and stick in your Bible. You can take a picture of it with your phone and have it at your fingertips anytime.

Speaker 2:

You need A resource that's going to help you identify these toxic thoughts that you're having about your husband, the ones that are tearing your relationship down, and how we can replace them with these names of God, these attributes of God that show us how to live within this marriage relationship. When I first started to put this topic together, I reached out on social media and said this is what I am personally going through right now. Can you relate? So many women said this is what I'm personally going through right now. Can you relate? So many women said this is me.

Speaker 2:

Would you create a resource for us that we can have as we go through this Bible study with you, tracy, here on Vows to Keep Radio, we would love to have a resource in our hands. If you desire to have this resource in your hands so you can refer to it often and change your thinking about your husband and replace it with biblical truth, email us resource at vows to keep dot com. Again, resource at vows to keep dot com and we'll send that right over to you. Can't wait to continue the conversation next week here on vows to keep radio. How yourself talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship.

Speaker 1:

Vows to keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. And click on the donate link. No-transcript.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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