The Silent Battle: How Your Thoughts Shape Your Marriage :: [Ep. 280]

The Silent Battle: How Your Thoughts Shape Your Marriage :: [Ep. 280]

Did you know that our negative self-talk about our spouses is quietly undermining our marriages by hardening our hearts and planting seeds of resentment? These mental arguments—whether it's "he just doesn't get me" or "why bother, he'll never change"—grow roots from our minds to our hearts that slowly choke our love.

With this in mind, we will be talking about the following:

• Better understanding negative thoughts about our husbands
• Exploring the desire to be seen and understood is powerful, and the effects caused when husbands miss this
• Reminding ourselves of God as El Roy (the God who sees) which can fulfill our need to be known when our spouses fall short
• How to fight the temptation to give up because nothing seemingly changes
• How to replace negative thoughts with confidence that you are known by God
• Remembering to tell yourself the gospel—what God has done for you— which shifts focus away from what your spouse hasn't done

We hope you can join us today and pray you are encouraged!!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Mental Arguments
• 8:30 Negative Thoughts That Undermine Marriage
• 11:00 El Roy: The God Who Sees You
• 17:40 When You Feel Misunderstood
• 21:40 El Salih: Finding Strength When Giving Up

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:21

Do you mentally argue with your spouse but never actually say what you're thinking out loud? When he just doesn't get you, do negative phrases flash through your mind. Do you keep your opinion on his shortcomings to yourself but rehearse them? Often in your thoughts and in the middle of an argument do you silently call your husband names? We can all relate, but what do we do with these thoughts? Well, we're going to go ahead and get a hold of them today. We're going to unpack where they come from, why we have them and what to do when we have them and how to dig out the roots that they've grown so that we can have healthy hearts and minds towards our husbands. It is possible how Well, find out in today's episode of Vows to Keep Radio, the show where you can get sound biblical counsel that you can apply immediately to your marriage. I'm your host, traci Sellers, co-founder of Vows to Keep. David and I are biblical marriage counselors, authors, teachers, radio hosts and conference speakers. If you want to get back to being on fire for your spouse and for God, you're definitely in the right place.

Speaker 2: 1:26

A few months ago, I started to realize that self-talk about my husband's failings was becoming more and more common. I'd catch myself thinking things that I knew weren't entirely true, but in the moment they validated what I was feeling. Sometimes I would let those thoughts marinate for a moment or two. Other times I would say, hey, no way I'm not going to think that. But a day or two later they'd come sneaking in through the back door of my mind. Until the Lord started to reveal these things to me, I wasn't clued in on the fact that these seemingly little seeds of condemnation towards David were starting to undermine my feelings for him, which, left unchecked, could derail my marriage in a heartbeat. These thoughts that I was thinking about David had qualities of judgment, expectation and resentment in them, and they were growing roots about 18 inches long, reaching from my brain all the way down to the bottom of my heart. Those roots grew so slowly I didn't notice that they were wrapping themselves around my firm decision to love my husband unconditionally. Then I had a freight train moment. It came when I realized that the DNA of these thoughts was actually hardening my heart towards David, and that scared me. It was a wake-up call that I needed. This is not going to be your normal average vows to keep radio broadcast.

Speaker 2: 2:51

David and I usually teach together, but in this series it's just you and me, girls. The way I put this together started by looking over the list of thoughts that I was having. I'd written them down, and then I added some of a few friends that I pulled. I said'd written them down and then I added some of a few friends that I pulled. I said, hey, girls, what are you thinking about your husbands? Maybe they don't even know you're thinking it, but what are those negative thoughts? So I compiled these 30 or so thoughts and I realized they were fitting into categories. When I grouped them together, I saw something I hadn't seen. From simply looking through a jumbled up list.

Speaker 2: 3:31

These categories represented either lies, or at least half-truths, that I was believing about my husband, myself or God, or, more importantly, thoughts that we girls really aren't understanding the truth about, and those two things are not exactly the same. Let me explain. When I believe a lie or a partial lie about any given topic, I need the truth of God's word to scatter the darkness and bring those things out into the light. Truth wins when I do that. But here's the thing when I don't recognize or fully grasp the whole truth about my husband, myself or God, that's when the enemy of my soul can mislead me quickly into the lie territory. I need the whole of God's word, all of who he is, as my God to turn my thoughts around. I cannot rely on my good intentions In this series about how your self-talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship.

Speaker 2: 4:24

We're going to draw some very interesting lines between what we're thinking and who God is, specifically His attributes and His names. Now, that is not what I would have automatically thought to do when addressing this topic, but I hope you soon see, like I did, that when we look closely at the names of God and what they mean to us, they become the perfect tool to set our minds on truth, to take these thoughts that have become so habitual to us and start making new habits, replacing them with thoughts that build our marriage, not tear it down. Stick with me in this broadcast. That's really more Bible study than teaching, and it will be out with the old and in with the new. Let me start by giving you a personal example of how easily negative thoughts show their ugly faces.

Speaker 2: 5:11

Every day, I lay out two sets of vitamins in the morning and two sets of medicine at night for David and I. I take a couple of prescription meds and a couple of over-the-counter medicines, but they're different than what David takes. Even our vitamins are a little different. So out of the two of us, I am definitely more of a habit type person. If I get in the habit of something, I can remember to do it day after day. I'm also the more detail-oriented one in our relationship, but there are times when I just don't feel like laying everything out, especially twice a day.

Speaker 2: 5:42

I wish that David would take the initiative to do it once in a while. Sometimes I express this by asking him to get the medicine ready Now. Kudos to David. He always complies, but then five minutes later I can still hear him at the bathroom counter trying to get everything right. It's just not something he does every day. Some of my pill bottles look the same Some things like allergy medicine we don't take all the time. Some of my pill bottles look the same Some things like allergy medicine we don't take all the time. I can see him trying to help but not knowing exactly what I need him to do. So I go in and say don't worry, I'll get it. He thanks me, walks back into the bedroom, but in my head I'm saying things like it's not that hard. Why does he never help with this? Why do I always have to be the one? I would love it if I came into the bathroom one morning and he had everything laid out. Seems like small potatoes. In the grand scheme of life, right, but what I've noticed is that when he doesn't meet my expectations, when I feel like I have the right to something and I don't get it, when he annoys me with his failures, albeit small ones, or when I feel misunderstood, I begin to carry on a dialogue either with myself or with him in my head.

Speaker 2: 6:48

Ponder this short verse for just a moment here. Proverbs 27, 19 says as water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart, the thoughts that we think we're keeping inside where he can't see. Trust me, he sees, because it's going to come out in your actions or your words in one way or another. So let me ask you when your husband leaves the room after a tense moment, what are the words that zip through your brain faster than you can catch them? Do you mumble things under your breath that you wish you had the nerve to say to his face, or that you would never say to his face, even if you had the nerve. When he comes up short, do you roll your eyes behind his back and mentally tell him that he's an idiot? When you have a bone to pick with him, do you find yourself rehearsing an argument you may never even have? If so, your self-talk about your husband could be ruining your relationship.

Speaker 2: 7:44

I want to address this topic with you, girls, today, because this is a reality for us, all of us. The thoughts we think about our spouse, or the arguments we carry on with them silently, are a very real thing, something we can either let continue to the detriment of our relationship or something we can gain mastery over, and it's refreshing to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. When I polled my friends and they sent me back their answers, I loved how honest they were in this. I'm going to read you some of the things off of this list of 30 or so thoughts we think about our husbands, and, as I do, I want you to pick out which ones you've thought about your husband and just sort of put them in your back pocket for a moment. We're going to go through these one by one over the course of this series on Vows, to Keep Radio digging a little deeper, to the root of each one, so we can know what to do with thoughts like these. You ready? Okay, keep a running list.

Speaker 2: 8:36

Don't you pay attention to anything I do? Oh, he just doesn't get me. He won't, so I won't. If he really loved me, he would. He'll never change. He hurt me again. So I should. He dot dot. He never compliments me, he never listens to me, he never helps me. He's doing that wrong. He doesn't care. So why bother? He'll never change. Just get used to it. If I don't do this, I'm going to lose him. He probably didn't even mean what he said. He used to do this, but now he doesn't, probably because of this. I can't believe he would do that. What a fool, what a jerk. What an idiot. He deserves fill in the blank. Why doesn't he just? Why am I the only one who ever there's no pleasing him? He thinks he's so righteous? Let's start with the one that almost every wife I polled listed. He doesn't see me and he just doesn't get me. Doesn't he see all I'm doing? He should get up and help. Doesn't he see I'm upset? Don't you pay attention to anything I do? This is probably one of the biggest heartburns for me as a wife.

Speaker 2: 9:47

I've said this before, but it's so true that it's worth repeating. All David has to say are two little words and my world is right again. I understand Whoosh, all the fight goes out of me. All the frustration, all the questions, words so powerful that even as I say them right now, they bring tears to my eyes. When I'm in a tizzy or I'm trying to explain myself and I'm just not able to get the words right, or I need to be held but don't want to explain what I'm feeling, those are the two words I need to hear. I understand.

Speaker 2: 10:20

The opposite reaction happens when we feel misunderstood, when we feel disapproved of the. Frustration rises, even sometimes anger. Why can't he just see me? Why can't he just get me? I start to compare his needs to my needs and I feel justified that I should be understood and I tell myself that's the most basic of needs. My blood pressure starts to rise just thinking about being misunderstood. It feels so unfair to not be seen and known, and that's why we need to really understand this name of God that we're going to study right now El Roy, the God who sees. El. In Hebrew means God, el, roy is the God who sees. Roy is R-O-I. The Hebrew for the root word translates actually into shepherd. Let's take a moment to look at where this is found in scripture. Only one place Genesis 16, 13,.

Speaker 2: 11:19

Hagar's story Short but impactful both then and now. Here's the deal. Abram, later called Abraham, was promised by God that out of his lineage would come a great nation and that all people would be blessed through him. Kind of hard when he and his wife Sarai, didn't have any children and they were OLD. So Sarai offers her maid Hagar to her husband so that she might become pregnant. They took matters into their own hands rather than waiting for God's timing. Well, hagar does conceive, but now Sarai is jealous and treats her maid poorly. Hagar really didn't ask for any of this. Abram and Sarai didn't even grace her with the basic dignity of calling her by her name. She was just called the maid, or my maid, galling to say the least. Then to be used and mistreated. I can only imagine what Hagar must have been feeling so horrible that she thinks it's better to run away and have this baby in the wilderness than to have a roof over her head, meals to eat and a dad for her kid.

Speaker 2: 12:24

Genesis 16 says that the angel of the Lord found her by a well in the desert. Right here we see the first evidence that God knows exactly what's going on and that he cares. The angel's first word is Hagar. That is a goosebump moment. God knows her name and gives her the honor of showing her that she's known. But God doesn't stay on the surface with just a name. The angel goes on. He says Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going? God, in his sovereignty, is well aware of the answer to both of these questions. But these questions reveal two things. Yes, god already knows everything about you. If you don't believe me, read Psalm 139. But it's an invitation to have a conversation. Let's talk, he says. Tell me your troubles, what's going on in your life. He's taking your little chin in his hand and turning your eyes to his and saying talk to me.

Speaker 2: 13:22

There's something spiritually special when we are real and authentic before God, especially when we say what's in our hearts out loud, when it stays in our mind, especially if it's something we don't really want to deal with, we can keep it at bay and that feels comfortable. But when we get alone with God, whether that's when the rest of the house is asleep or when the kids are occupied and we can sneak a few minutes on our knees. When we get real about the problems, just like Hagar did, by instantly replying with the truth she says I'm running away from my mistress Amazing things happen. It's actually in that moment, when we get real with God, that we see how real he really is, how real His love is for us. The tears start to flow, the heart starts to soften.

Speaker 2: 14:09

My personal favorite place to get real with God is in my car. When I run an errand, or especially if I have a slightly longer drive than normal, I turn everything off, ignore the beeps on my phone and I just start talking, actually out loud. I pour out my heart to God and I see in those moments that he's already seen me, he already knows what's been going on all along. But for me there's a deep thirst that's quenched when I see that I've been seen, understood, known, loved. Hagar must have felt it too. I do, you do. We've been trying to satisfy that desire and I believe it is a God-given desire by doing everything, trying to get our husbands to pay attention to us, to discern our hearts without us having to say anything. And you know what? Sometimes? They do get it Sometimes, and those are amazing moments that we should be grateful for. But even in those times I know it's really God using my husband to communicate to me that God gets me. Every good and perfect gift comes from above.

Speaker 2: 15:13

James 1 says God can use David to be his mouthpiece, but I shouldn't rely on that every single time. David is human. He's fallible, he's sinful. So is your husband. It's actually God that really understands us. Your new beliefs in this area about who God is to you, your El Roy, the God who sees, will lead to truthful thought in your mind. Be confident that you are known.

Speaker 2: 15:38

Hagar was so encouraged by this special time with the angel of the Lord that she changed her course. God told her to go back home, not to be further mistreated, but because that's where her future was. She not only obeyed, but continues in Genesis 16, 13,. She says you're the God who sees me, and now I have seen the one who sees me. We can see that her belief in God changed her mindset, even though Genesis doesn't say that. How can I know that? Because Matthew 15, 19 says for out of the heart come evil thoughts. It's what's in our hearts that comes out of our mouth. Luke 6, 45 says we can't just determine to change our minds. It all starts in the heart. Hagar put her faith in God and that changed her actions. And the same should be true with me.

Speaker 2: 16:24

Not relying on my spouse to completely understand me. I can put my trust in the God who does. When I'm tempted by thoughts like am I invisible? Why is he making me do this? Doesn't he see what I do all day? Now I can begin to turn this around. I can actually let my husband know that I see him by meeting his needs, knowing that mine will be and have been met by God, that mine will be and have been met by God. This attitude of generosity is just me standing confident in El Roy, the God who sees. You might be saying okay, tracy, that's awesome. I have a new understanding of God's love for me. Now I'm starting to see the correlation between really understanding God and all that he is to me and how it relates to my thoughts.

Speaker 2: 17:07

But you don't know what goes on inside my house. You don't know my husband. Whether I choose to stay or leave really doesn't matter because I'm at the point of just giving up. Friend, you are not alone. Other women are in the same situation as you, even some of the friends that I polled. Here's some of the dialogue they're having with themselves he doesn't care, why bother, he won't lead, so I fill in the blank. He'll never change, just get used to it.

Speaker 2: 17:34

I can hear that there used to be a desperation, even an anguish, for them, but now they just feel cold, sometimes towards their husband. We all feel this way. There's no finger pointing here. Instead, in these thoughts, I hear a weariness, an abandonment of putting in the effort to try and make things change. What we don't realize many times is that there's a downside to our thoughts. There's a consequence that can poison our marriage.

Speaker 2: 17:59

When we start to think there's no reason to care, we look for other things to care about. We automatically care about something or someone, because God made us to love. God is love and we are made in his image. It's a natural thing, something we do from the day we're born until the day we head into eternity. There's never a day where our attention and affection isn't set on something or someone, when we're believing the best about our marriage and our spouse. You've been there. When there's no unforgiveness between the two of you, when you're best friends, that's when our thoughts and our affection and our love tends to remain in our marriage.

Speaker 2: 18:35

We look for ways to build up our relationship, but over time, when expectation after expectation isn't met, we feel unsupported and we begin to pull away. We set our affection on something else we believe will give us that strength that we used to draw from our husband. Most of the time we look to ourselves. We try to take the place of what we think our spouse will never do. Hey, I've asked him to lead our family spiritually for years and he's shown time and again that he just doesn't care. I have begged him to do this certain thing till I'm blue in the face. The conclusion that we draw is this is just the way it's always going to be. He's never even made an effort, so I'll just pull myself up by my bootstraps and make it happen. In that mindset, we think I'll have to be the one to change and my new identity, my new life and my new self won't include him. Or we go the total opposite direction. If he thinks he doesn't have to change, I'm not going to make the effort either. I know what he wants me to do. Well, he can just forget it.

Speaker 2: 19:35

It's in this place of giving up that we accept the status quo and we acquiesce to living as roommates Little interaction, basic communication, no romance, no friendship, just enduring the inevitable disappointment. It's in this place of throwing in the towel where we can even seek someone else to replace our spouse, someone who would always keep their promises, someone who would never take what we've asked and disregard it, someone who would truly care enough to do something. It's my tendency to be strong on my own when my expectations aren't met, so I know how you feel. There's a weakness I feel when I'm not supported, and I hear this in the psalmist's voice In Psalm 42, things are not going well. He even says my heart is breaking remembering how it used to be.

Speaker 2: 20:23

Then we see this turning point moment. In verse five, he says to himself why are you so downcast? Put your hope in God. Now he's not arrived there. This is not like, hey, I've got this now, but he is on his way because he's reminding himself where his strength comes from, from his pain. He cries out to God in verse 9, El Salih, the God of my strength.

Speaker 2: 20:45

We get a giant look behind the curtain of the psalmist's heart as we read Psalm 42. He knows the truth, but he isn't feeling it. That's why he has to set his affection, his love, on God. He is preaching to himself hey, you remember who God is? Remember what he's done and what he's capable of. Don't give up. Hide yourself in the rock. El Sali, the God of my strength. There must have been deep tears flowing as he ground out the words of praise to God. That must have been so contrary to his emotions. But then, in verse 8, there's a sweet moment of refreshment. He says but each day, the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through the night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. He's not cured by this knowledge. His situation isn't going to change overnight, but it's here he finds strength, god pouring his unfailing love on him when all others had deserted him.

Speaker 2: 21:40

So let's look at what we need to believe. Well, trying to be strong enough to bear it all, strong enough to stay, strong enough to conjure up feelings of caring for our spouse when love has grown cold, is not something we should expect of ourselves. We tend to love self first. That's our default, others-centered love is not natural. But remember, god is love and God made us to love. We are made in his image and it's in his strength that we can love. Those are pieces of good news for you and I. If we find our thoughts drifting towards an I-don't-care-anymore attitude, there's a central power, a familiar strength you may have forgotten or overlooked. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love how 1 John 4.19 sums up this gospel. It says we love because he first loved us.

Speaker 2: 22:27

Don't discount what your Sunday school teacher put on the video screen or that flannel graph, that message you heard so often about a sinless man, god in the flesh, choosing to dwell among us and bear the weight of each and every one of our sins. That story is reality and it comes alive when we grasp his love for us. It changes the way we look at the future of our marriage. When you're disregarded, ignored and unloved, el Salih can give us hope that the God of my strength can uphold me through. This can be the one that I turn to, will always be a rock. I can hide myself in a place of love, a place of safety, next time you're tempted to think it doesn't matter or he'll never change. I want you to think this. Instead, god called out to you. He called you by name. When you gave him the cold shoulder, the shrug off, he not only loved you anyway. He showed you his love by sacrificing what mattered most to him. He gave you and I what we didn't deserve. And look where it's gotten us. Elsa Lee.

Speaker 2: 23:26

The God of our strength pulled us out of the pit of sin and he can give you the strength to think new thoughts. You can say no to the I don't care anymore attitude. His kind of love is enough to equip you not to throw in the towel, not the strength to take over where your husband is showing disregard. Not the strength to find pleasure and met expectations in something or someone else, but the strength to have this train of thought in something or someone else. But the strength to have this train of thought that you can dwell on all day. From Psalm 42, by day, the Lord directs his love and at night his song is with me. He is my El Salih, my rock. When your husband's actions, words and attitude make you want to give up and tell yourself there's no point, point yourself to Christ and tell yourself the gospel. Tell yourself what God has done for you, not what your spouse hasn't.

Speaker 1: 24:14

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.