The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Breaking the Silence + Reconnecting with Your Husband :: [Ep. 279]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 279

Share episode

Breaking the Silence + Reconnecting with Your Husband :: [Ep. 279]

Last week, we started talking to wives on how to (re)engage communication with their husband. This week, we are continuing the conversation. We will explore how wives can restore communication with disengaged husbands by addressing harmful communication patterns that create barriers to intimacy and connection.

We will talk about the following in this episode:

• How common malice—the intention to vex, annoy or injure—is within our communication 
• Types of belittling behavior that is common and needs to stop 
• The effect of rejecting compliments and what that communicates to your husband
• The effects of consistently seeking advice from others instead of your husband 
• Non verbals within a conversation that push your husband away 
• How to repair disconnection 

If God has revealed areas where you've sinned against your husband, go to him and apologize specifically. Name what you've done, make it right, and express your desire to follow God and His Word.

We hope and pray you are helped and encouraged by this week's episode!


Support the show

For episode transcripts, click HERE.

For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB

Apple Podcast listener? Would you consider leaving us a review, as this helps more couple's to find our resources?! Leave your review HERE.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And we have made vows to keep.

Speaker 2:

Tracy, this week I was reflecting back on a certain purchase I made in the first year of our marriage.

Speaker 3:

Was it for me?

Speaker 2:

No, this story is only going to go downhill from here, in fact, because not only was it not for you, it was for me, and it was one that was a really dumb idea.

Speaker 3:

Was this purchase perhaps gold in color.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, this was the gold 1998 Ram Air Firebird. Do you remember this car?

Speaker 2:

I remember you looking at this car online and boy did it look good yeah, it looked good online, but it was far less good once it was actually in our hands.

Speaker 2:

And let me tell you, man, about one of the first times where I realized my wife's level of commitment to me. This car was delivered to us cross country bought, sight unseen, and when it got here, the amount of work that it needed was staggering. And the most amazing thing to me of all was that my wife had every opportunity, really every right, to rub my nose in what was a terrible financial decision, and she didn't. Now we both knew the facts. She wasn't blind to that, but instead what she chose to do was enable the lines of communication to stay open between us, not only about what we do with this car and the work that I put into eventually fixing it and being able to sell it as a nice, wholesome automobile. But let me tell you what that did in the future. It set me up to really value her opinion in the future. She didn't nag me about the car. She let me learn not only from the circumstance, but also learn to value her input in a way that I hadn't previously.

Speaker 3:

Ladies, we're going to have some situations in our lives where we respond correctly to something our husband is doing or maybe something they've done wrong. And we're going to have some situations in our lives where we respond correctly to something our husband is doing or maybe something they've done wrong, and we're going to have opportunities to respond incorrectly In your marriage right now. How is the conversation going? You see, I haven't always reacted like I did that time with this gold firebird. I haven't always chosen the right thing, and when I choose to do something that's against God's word and I'm sure you ladies can relate with this my husband stops engaging with me. And maybe that's where you're at in your marriage right now. You're looking for ways to get your husband to engage with you once again.

Speaker 3:

Last week on Vows to Keep Radio, in part one of this series, we talked about how nagging and demanding and hounding your husband which are all similar things but have slight differences to them can really shut down that communication. And today we're going to talk about things like belittling and malice and not accepting your husband's compliments, plus a few more. The words that I just used are things that, over time, can begin to describe your behavior. It's not like we start out saying, yeah, I'm going to be malicious towards my husband or I'm going to yell at him on a daily basis. We don't begin our marriages that way, but over time this can be the trend of our communication and we find ourselves no longer even able to have a regular conversation. So let's talk about some of those things in depth today, with an eye on our hearts. God, would you open up our hearts, our minds, show us where we have gotten off track and how we can get back on track again with your words. So we're going to start today, david, with this word malice.

Speaker 3:

I first ran across this in 1 Peter 2 a couple years ago, when God was working on some things as far as my parenting goes. It says therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander of every kind. As I read that, I thought, okay, maybe I fall into the envy category, sometimes hypocrisy. But the word malice did not jump off the page of me until I started to look at it a little bit. Malice is defined as ill will. It's an intention to vex, annoy or injure another person, and that's what really stood out to me. And we see this trait again talked about in Ephesians, chapter 4. It says let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Now there's a lot of things in both of these verses that we might need to revisit again. We might need to look at hypocrisy in our life, or envy or slander, but let's focus on malice for a few minutes here.

Speaker 2:

It's so interesting because I think we tend to think of some evil person who's got it out to destroy someone else. That's someone who has malice right, but could this include you? Do you have a desire, maybe some ill will towards your husband? Now, most of the time, I think people would automatically answer that with a resounding no. You're not gonna be flinging dishes across the room at your husband's head, but do you fling words? Do you rub his nose in his mistakes, wanting him to get a feel for the kind of pain that he's made you endure? It doesn't even have to be those loud or harsh words. It can be something as simple as talking to your kids when your husband is within earshot and telling them with a great big sigh that now you're going to have to fix the problem because your husband, their father, couldn't hack it. Inevitably, every couple we've ever seen who has reached a point of divorce or thoughts of divorce in their own heart and mind has experienced this.

Speaker 3:

David, when I first met you, we had a dog, a schnauzer, in my household named Hans. His last couple of years were spent during the first couple of years of our marriage. I know you have a special fondness in your heart for this dog. Okay, he does it, but this dog could eat just about anything. He would eat chocolates, all these things that dogs aren't supposed to eat, and you know what the Bible says about a dog returning to his vomit after he's eaten a lot of chocolates, right?

Speaker 3:

He goes back to it and a lot of times my mom would take his little nose and show him the vomit and say don't you do this again, right? And his ears would go back and he'd feel really bad. He'd feel that dog regret. Unfortunately, even as funny as that story is, we do that with each other sometimes. Or it's like a child being reprimanded rather than being disciplined and discipled through their mistakes. A lot of times this malice can build in our heart because we let hurt and disappointment fester in our marriage to the point that we actually begin to get some enjoyment out of letting our spouse feel the sting of their decisions.

Speaker 2:

It's like we're trying to one-up each other, like the pain I'm creating for you is on par with the pain that you've created for me.

Speaker 3:

When we really look at it, malice defined is a lack of mercy, and mercy, biblically defined, is not giving someone what they actually do deserve. When we live in malice towards our spouse, when we want them to pay for the harm and the inconvenience that they've caused us, we're doing more. It actually goes way past that. We're making God's mercy towards us insignificant. I hope you're hearing us on this today. When we act in malice, when we don't give mercy, we are counting God's mercy towards us as worth nothing. We forget and we act on that forgetfulness.

Speaker 2:

What you're talking about, tracy, is literally Satan's approach to mercy, because he presents it as though this is about justice. We want our anger to buy something for us, and I think we're hoping deep down that a change is going to be made. So if your husband knows how bad he is, he'll certainly be inspired to do something to change it. Well, have you ever seen in your marriage a change that is long lasting because of your anger? Listen to this message from James, chapter 1. Know this, my beloved brothers Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Speaker 2:

Unfortunately, many times we don't get the option to see the true cost of our anger played out because we're not able to assemble all of the years of it put together. But the fact of the matter is is that the righteousness of God is something which we will ultimately get to see. The result of Ephesians 4.32 says this be kind to one another. This is the antidote tenderhearted forgiving one another, as God and Christ forgave you. And we're not just talking about a behavior change, we're not just saying that you need to have words that are kind, because a tender heart towards your spouse and towards God is the actual cure. That's what we're talking about. You can eradicate malice in your marriage by changing your heart.

Speaker 3:

Part of this antidote against malice is truly wanting the best for our spouse. That's not something that comes naturally because we're trying to hold something against them. But what does Jesus do when he meets sinners, even those who would be considered the worst of sinners? All it takes is a short look at books like Matthew and Luke to see that he actually welcomes sinners, he eats with them, he sees their need and he meets it. Now, when I'm being malicious, my eyes are completely on myself. How about you? They aren't on God, they're not on his mercy. They aren't on David's needs or my kids' needs or my co-workers' needs. It's just on getting some revenge. Now here's our God he leaves the 99 sheep who are safe and he goes after the one who's gone astray. Malice is truly the opposite of what God asked us to do. Malice is the opposite of goodness and graciousness, and sympathy and mercy is every single one of those things.

Speaker 2:

So, if you have a good grip on malice, let's talk about what it means to belittle, to make someone seem unimportant, because to belittle someone is this cruel way of making them seem less important than you. Belittling someone is really telling them a hopeless lie.

Speaker 3:

When we belittle our spouse, we definitely shut down their desire to engage with us, because they never know what's going to come out of our mouth. Picture the scene the family is waiting in the van while dad goes in to get the pizza. He gets back in the van, they're on the way home and the wife opens up the pizza box to do what David? To see if her husband got the order right. And guess what he?

Speaker 2:

didn't.

Speaker 3:

Here's her big chance to show grace or to tear him down when she saw the pizza wasn't right.

Speaker 2:

Now, in this moment, the way that it was evident was when one of the kids in the back of the car said you idiot, you didn't remember.

Speaker 3:

Now, she never actually said the words, but that's exactly what her dramatic sigh said, without words, before the mouthy kid could speak up from the back seat.

Speaker 2:

So if you see that your kids have a freedom to criticize your husband directly, carefully consider whether they are empowered by watching the words coming from your mouth.

Speaker 3:

What does belittling look like in your marriage? Well, we'd sure like to think that we don't fall into this category, but girls, so often we do. We can even do it without saying anything, just like this situation we just told you about. You can roll your eyes. We can even do it without saying anything, just like this situation we just told you about. You can roll your eyes, you can heave a big sigh, you can act superior to him. But words often actually do play a part in belittling our spouse or our children. We can call names, make him feel stupid when he doesn't know or remember something. Boy, that's a big one. You might even talk about someone else in front of him, affirming how great they are, and at the same time, you're putting him down. You're doing what God asks us not to do in the 10 commandments. We begin to covet our neighbor's spouse. I wish you were a husband like this guy, babe, because, boy, this is what he does. Even comparing him with someone you feel is superior to him belittles him in that moment.

Speaker 2:

Ephesians 4.25 says. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for they are all parts of the same body. And in verse 29 it says Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear it. I love how straight forward and simple that is put for us here. Here's what not to do Don't lie to each other. Tell the truth. And here's why Because we are all equal before the Lord, all parts of a body of Christ, each with a unique, given function for building up the body. And here's what we should do in response to that In replacement of the lies, we need to build each other up by what we're saying, looking continuously for ways to encourage our husbands and wives.

Speaker 3:

This really is a put off situation and a put on situation. We can't just stop belittling. We have to replace that. Just like this verse says, we need to tell the truth. We need to encourage with our words. So how do we do that? Well, we don't want to lie about it. We don't want to tell our husband he's good at something when he's not, but we can look for ways to encourage him on the things that he is doing right.

Speaker 2:

When we were first married, maybe, david, there wasn't a lot to compliment me on, maybe things that were at, maybe, things that I was only doing at 50%, but maybe that was 10% better than it was before. The point is we need to set up a culture to compliment on growth and not just on perfection.

Speaker 3:

There's always something to encourage your spouse on. You can even go to God's word and see your husband's identity in God and encourage him in that. Now there's most likely something in your husband or in your marriage you wish was growing, you wish was changing for the better. We all have that. But the crazy thing is your husband actually might be working on that very thing right now. He might be in prayer about it, he might be seeking counsel about it, he might even be trying to change it himself.

Speaker 3:

But you can't see it. You're not omniscient. You can't see everything and you can destroy where your husband is working hard on something. But there may be slow in their progress. Your belittling can be the very thing that actually shuts them down. When you stop belittling your husband, you're going to have a lot less to say at first. If this is a big thing in your marriage, that's okay. Let there be awkward silences. Then replace those with only things that are good and helpful, like it talks about in Ephesians 4. The effort is going to be worth it. Ladies, speak the truth. It's going to help him to be confident as a lover, as a friend, as a worker, as a dad, and it's going to cause him to feel seen by you and to feel very respected.

Speaker 2:

And a husband who feels respected. Now that's a man who's going to want to engage.

Speaker 1:

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vows2keepcom. Vows2keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows2 Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

There's a couple other ways that we want to talk to you, ladies, about how to get your husband to engage again. Maybe things that you're doing or not doing that are causing some of that communication to shut down. And the next one, david, is not asking your husband's advice or opinion.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, this is such an important thing. When was the last time that you went to your husband first besides to God for advice on something? I'm talking about something that could be as simple as how you want to have your hair cut or colored, or what to do about a friend or a work conflict type situation.

Speaker 3:

Because it's really easy to run to a best friend or even to a website that you trust. A lot of times we've already gotten all the advice that we think we need. By the time it comes to talk with our husband about it, then we're really just looking for his stamp of approval, if we even mention it at all, and typically this is a slower progression over time. It's not like one day you guys are talking about anything and everything and then the next you're going to everyone under the sun for advice except your husband.

Speaker 3:

Ladies, our independence in marriage are going to everyone else for advice and not him shows our husbands something loud and clear. It shows our lack of desire for their leadership in our life. It shows a desire instead to be in control, and it leaves our husband unable to lead, like God's asked him to. It is possible to get back to this where you are talking about everything and anything, but first we've got to want it, and in order to want it, we've got to have a humble heart, one that's actually willing to hear that we're not all knowing and that we actually want to be one with this man that we made a vow to be one with. If you've developed an independent heart. It's going to come down to you, first and foremost, getting before God and wanting his advice, his wisdom, because if you're not going to God to get his advice and wisdom, you're not going to want to go to your husband Also, coming before God and asking him to change your heart, to be humble and to be open to oneness with your spouse once again.

Speaker 2:

So think about those unsolved things in your mind and start to talk about them with your husband, ask his opinion. The one in marriage becomes two when we start making and living by our own rules, independently. So let's reverse the cycle, because when you go to your husband, well then you're no longer two, but two who are of one flesh, even if initially he doesn't do the same for you. This is how you get the process started. These are the kind of areas where husbands feel so cherished, when we get to be a part of the input that goes into your life.

Speaker 3:

So two more things today, ladies, things we might need to look at from a viewpoint of God's words so we can get our husband to engage with us once again. And this next one I think probably 100% of ladies could relate with this, or at least 99%, rejecting our husband's compliments. So picture the scene with me, the wife. She's on a diet, she's trying to look a little bit better, she hasn't quite fit into that pretty dress yet and the husband says babe, you look so gorgeous today. What do you think she's going to say? She's going to laugh in his face and say, oh no, I don't. Or she's going to just brush his compliment aside and say, no, I still have 15 more pounds to lose.

Speaker 2:

Did you know that nothing will kill your husband's confidence to compliment you and to love on you faster than when you reject his compliments? This isn't just a blow to him, it's a major hit on your relationship too, because rejecting his compliments is like saying babe, you're not credible and you're not even beginning to pierce my heart. By rejecting his compliment and having some sort of argument to refute that, you're telling him that he's either lying to you or he might be telling you the truth, but it doesn't matter to you. This is actually putting a barrier up between the two of you.

Speaker 2:

I think society has taught a lot of ladies to be very suspicious Suspicious in that their husband might just be giving them compliments to butter them up for some sort of demand back for themselves, and in this world I hate to say it, but there are a lot of guys that do just that. Certainly we do not think it's right to manipulate someone. But think about it from this perspective. What's the worst that could happen if you believe the words of your husband? What would happen if you set your preconceived ideas aside? What would that do to your spouse? They're going to be blown away by the love that you have for them, but it's also going to create unity when you absorb the kind of love that they're trying to pour onto you.

Speaker 3:

I was talking with a wife recently and she said it had been years since she truly had accepted a compliment from her husband. So this is going to be new territory for some of you. If that's you, how do you start accepting compliments from your husband? How do you build their confidence in this way? I think number one believe the best of his intentions and motivations and acknowledge in your heart that from his viewpoint he is speaking the truth, even if from your viewpoint he's sadly mistaken. Let him be biased. That's a good thing for you, and a great way to accept his compliments is to say thank you and then reciprocate one back to him. And finally, today here on Vows to Keep Radio, we can shut down our unity in our marriage. We can shut down our husband's desire to engage with us by actually how we talk. If you have an Alexa in your home, like most of us do, and we were able to replay the last 24 hours of audio, what would it show about your heart towards your husband? Ouch right.

Speaker 2:

Would there be shouting and yelling, things that conveyed that my feelings are more important and they must be heard?

Speaker 3:

There are many homes where there is a lot of raised voices and really over time that can become a habit. It begins to feel natural, even if it's getting short-term results. You're yelling, your tone of voice has a price to it, but a lot of times it's not understood. We justify this is the right thing to do because it's getting him moving. We may not process it that way, but we continue to do this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, one wife explained it this way. She said, if I don't lose it on my husband, he doesn't do anything Now to her boy. She thought taking this stance was certainly going to get the results. But he's living in fear that she's going to walk away and for the moment that feels like she's getting what she wants. But it becomes a tit-for-tat sort of situation and it won't be long and the tables will be turned around.

Speaker 3:

We've talked in this series about some other things that might be heard in your home belittling, arguing, malicious talk and, last week, nagging, demanding, hounding. But your Amazon Echo device isn't going to pick up on everything. There are things past the tone of your voice. Even if you don't raise your voice, your heart can be conveyed to your husband in a whisper or even a lack of response.

Speaker 2:

Philippians 4.5 says let your gentleness be evident to all, for the Lord is near.

Speaker 3:

Is it your tone of voice, is it the volume of your voice, or is it in the things you're not even saying that you're conveying a lack of respect to your husband, a lack of desire to engage? Do you respond coldly to his kiss or his hug that he initiates? Do you shrug out of it? Do you clearly end the kiss, telling him I don't want to be doing this right now? Think about the last time your body language said honey, I love you, I want you, you're awesome. You can convey everything with a look in your eye or the expression on your face, whether it's good or bad. So what do you want and what do you need to say to your husband today? How can you grow in this area? A better way to say that might be where has your body language and your words and your tone been sending him the wrong message?

Speaker 3:

We've touched on many things today malice, belittling, not accepting compliments, not asking for advice and how we talk with our husbands. There might be more than one area today that God has pricked your heart on and said this is where I've been asking you to change. Let's work on it together. So, as we close today on Vows to Keep Radio, don't leave something undealt with. If God has been talking to your heart and it's a sin issue for you, this is the time to go to your spouse and ask forgiveness, apologize to him for sins you've done towards him or sins that have caused a distance between the two of you. Name what you've done Specifically, make it right between the two of you and express towards your husband your desire to follow God and His Word. That is where to start when you're wanting to get your husband to engage with you once again.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

People on this episode

Head Shot

David Sellars

Host
Head Shot

Tracy Sellars

Host