The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Your Words Matter: Why Your Husband Has Stopped Talking to You :: [Ep. 278]

• David & Tracy Sellars

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Your Words Matter: Why Your Husband Has Stopped Talking to You :: [Ep. 278]

Are you a wife who is longing for better communication with your husband but unsure of just how to get him talking more? Communication breakdown in marriages often stem from habitual habits that many wives have developed when it comes to communicating with their husbands which can cause husbands to disengage rather than drawing them into deeper conversation. By examining these sometimes destructive patterns and replacing them with biblical approaches focused on respect, humility, and patience, wives can create an environment where meaningful communication can flourish again.

We will cover the following in this week's episode:
• Evaluating wrong and right demands and their effects on the relationship 
• Right demands (biblically sound desires) can still damage communication when not presented respectfully
• When passion about a topic increases, our respect must increase even more
• Ways that wives unknowingly communicate distrust in both God and their husbands
• Clothing yourself with patience, humility, and gentleness creates the space for real communication
• Important questions to ask yourself

Wives, this week, commit to laying your demands before God instead of your husband, trusting His sovereignty rather than your control.

We hope you enjoy and are encouraged! 


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

This is David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And we have made vows to keep.

Speaker 2:

Today we're going to talk about an epidemic that's in marriages. But when I say the word epidemic, what comes to mind?

Speaker 3:

I think about the health risks.

Speaker 2:

Do you think of like mass diseases spreading across foreign countries?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely. It makes me think all of a sudden, I better not travel somewhere, and what we're going to be talking about today is an epidemic that is affecting marriages everywhere.

Speaker 2:

I don't think a lot of people escape this, like a lot of people don't escape the common cold. Pretty much everybody has had a common cold in their life.

Speaker 2:

You've got the Zycam going, you've got your orange juice ready, and even if you hear about somebody that's got a cold, you are on it. You're wanting to fix this problem. Sometimes an epidemic will break out in the medical community and it's something that doctors have actually never seen before, so it's really hard to treat. But the problem we're going to be talking about in marriages today has actually been going on for generations upon generations, in fact probably all the way back to the very first marriage, and it really boils down to a communication problem. That's what you feel like you have. That's the sickness, that's the epidemic that you have got in your marriage. And you see, your friend's marriage has it as well, and this person you know at church has it too. It seems to be spreading. Why can we not get our husbands to engage with us? I think every woman has had that thought. She's asked that question how can I get my husband to talk with me like he used to? When we first started dating, when we were first married, it seemed like all of our conversations flowed. And now here we are, we're barely talking and it's like the common cold. You don't want to live with that day in, day out. But how do you cure it? Is there a cure for the communication problems you're having with your spouse?

Speaker 2:

We at Vows to Keep believe that God's word has the answers that we are searching for, and many times we do search for them in other places. We're knocking on every door trying to solve this problem. But today we are going to go to God's trying to solve this problem. But today we are going to go to God's word to solve this problem. And it starts truly, ladies, by having a soft heart before the Lord, saying God, show me what's truly in my heart. And if there's something I'm doing, god, that's not lining up with your word, I want you to examine my heart today, god, and change me.

Speaker 2:

And, ladies, let me tell you some of the things we're going to look at today are hard things to see in ourselves. Many times we don't want to admit that we have been the wife that has hounded and demanded and nagged our husbands and possibly shut down their desire to actually communicate with us. It's hard to realize that we've been the wife that's belittled our husband and caused him to feel like he is inferior to us, caused him to feel like he can't really share his heart with us. It's hard to realize sometimes that we are the wife that doesn't accept compliments from our spouse and, in turn, that makes him feel like his words are invaluable. Let's take a good close look at some of these things today and what God's word will reveal about our own heart condition and how we can actually turn the tide in our marriage to engage with our spouse once again.

Speaker 3:

One man shared this story with me. He said he felt like his wife's demands were just getting the best of him, and it was like she was speaking in a code, like a foreign language. She would find his clothes on the bedroom floor and, instead of actually asking him to do something about it, she'd say something like are those your clothes on the floor? And then walk away huffing mad.

Speaker 2:

What she truly wants, at the heart of it, is a clean house and for him to take care of his own things. A demand, by definition, is an insistent request made as if by right, and I want you to really focus in on that word. This is my right. This wife that Dave is referring to really has tricked herself into thinking that she's not demanding it. She's just asking a pointed question, shall we say?

Speaker 3:

And, of course, this husband who is talking to me. Well, he's not very perceptive to the fact that a conversation and an apology would go a very long way in making it right. So instead, what happens is they both stew in misery. Now demands can be separated into a couple of categories. Sometimes it's wrong demands, sometimes it's right demands, and sometimes it's just not the right time for it. So let's take that first category, david wrong demands. Sometimes it's right demands, and sometimes it's just not the right time for it.

Speaker 2:

So let's take that first category, david wrong demands, and I would define this as when something I wish and desire just takes this really dangerous path in my heart from being something that I want to actually something that I have got to have. In fact, I have made this thing so high priority in my life that I have to have it in order to be happy. I would say many times these are things that are not sinful, they're just personal preferences.

Speaker 3:

Maybe I want to be a saver and he wants to go buy a new car.

Speaker 2:

And it doesn't necessarily have to be something material, right, David. It can be something like where are our kids going to go to school? Are they going to go to private, public? We're going to homeschool, and I think I have got the right answer, but maybe you're not agreeing with me. A lot of times we see this when it comes to the in-law situations.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, how many times has a husband not taken the high road with his own mom, much to the disappointment of his wife?

Speaker 2:

Have you ever wanted something so bad? It wasn't a wrong thing, but you couldn't come to agreement on it in your marriage. I bet all of us could raise our hand on that one. What happens sometimes is this desire in us becomes so strong that we begin to expect that this is going to happen. And when it doesn't happen, at our spouse's hand, we do what we've got to do to get it done. We resort to things, ladies, it's true. We beg, sometimes we whine, we manipulate with our words and our actions. We try to take matters into our own hands. We maybe even go to someone else to ask their help, their advice, to try to get the ball rolling.

Speaker 3:

From buying a house to having more kids, maybe changing jobs or just trying to get your spouse to lose some weight. When you don't get what you want from your husband, a double whammy takes place.

Speaker 2:

And let me explain that a little bit, because not only are we not getting what we think we have a right to, what we think is going to make us happy, now our spouse becomes the enemy, they become an obstacle to our happiness. Talk about taking you under if you're not looking at this from a biblical perspective. When a wife finds herself in that situation, several things can happen in our hearts that end up coming out in how we interact with him. That also caused him to shut down in speaking to us. We start to speak unkindly to our husband and about our husband to other people because we didn't get what we wanted, and we let bitterness take root in our heart and it becomes evident in our homes. So let's talk about right demands for a minute Now. This category of demands is something that you are insisting upon in your marriage, in your home with your husband, something that you're wanting because truly it is biblical, like wanting your husband to spiritually lead.

Speaker 3:

Maybe getting debt free, simple things like asking your husband to not curse Maybe it's time for him to quit smoking or really just praying together that your prodigal son or daughter might return. You know, a number of years ago we had a huge life decision. It was a ministry decision that we had to make, one that had little financial risk but massive strings attached, and what we both wanted was actually totally legit. Now we prayed about this and often, eventually, we came to realize that I felt one way and Tracy felt another.

Speaker 3:

Now, at first it wasn't a big divide, but it certainly was something that we were clear on what we stood, and I can remember begging God to bring us together on this to really change Tracy's heart. And then it hit me God might be allowing what's happening as a path for both of us to grow. So would I value this project over my wife's input? Although it was a good thing, it doesn't mean it's the only path, but I had made it that way in my own mind. Now, at the same time that I was praying, god would change Tracy's heart. She had been praying for my heart.

Speaker 2:

I was definitely praying about it that God would change your heart or my heart, but really that he would bring us together in unity about it. But I was vocal about this. I didn't keep these things inside. I did talk with you about it, but a lot of effort went into me being honoring about this, because this was a hot topic. Every time you touched it, a little bit of a singe happened. You've probably had those situations in your own home.

Speaker 2:

I made sure David knew that, even if he went against what I was confident was not best for our family and our ministry, that I would stand with him, that I would unite myself with him and come underneath his leadership. Now, ladies, the problem that can creep in, even in a biblical desire, is that when the passion goes up, the respect goes down, and that's what shuts down communication between the two of you. Here's what needs to happen when you've got something you are sure needs to happen, your respect has to increase with your passion about that topic, and that's something that is going to be really not between you and your husband, it's going to be between you and the Lord, the antidote to the demands that we talked about, whether it be a wrong demand, just a personal preference that I am just insisting upon, or really a right demand is to walk in humility, because here's two things that are going to be a temptation for you, ladies, in this area pride or self-righteousness.

Speaker 3:

This is a challenge, I think, for everyone. When you see that your spouse is making a bad decision, it's easy to be self-righteous, and when you're demanding your way or the highway, well, it's pride ruling your every word In this difficult decision that Tracy was talking about. One of the most powerful things that God used, through Tracy, to bring my heart around, was how well she displayed the fruit of the Spirit, and that extra effort you put into being respectful through that process was so clear. She was speaking with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, and that posture, that attitude, showed that she cared about honoring God and honoring me in her convictions.

Speaker 2:

Those verses are probably familiar to you from Galatians, chapter five right, the fruit of the spirit. Those aren't things that come naturally to us. Those are things that we have to keep in step with the Spirit on, and a lot of times we read those verses verses 22 and 23 of Galatians 5, and we stop there. But the next three verses really apply to the situation when there is a demand in your heart. It says those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires Verse 25. And since we live by the spirit, let us keep in step with the spirit. And here's the kicker Verse 26. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Instead, consider others more important than yourself.

Speaker 2:

It's going to be a tempting pitfall for you to consider yourself as more right than your husband if you're basing your demands on the Bible. It's going to be tempting to think more highly of yourself, that conceited heart that verse 26 talks about. The verse lays out the natural order of things. When we do that, we end up provoking one another. But in order to stay in step with what God has asked us to do, we need to keep our hearts in good working order before the Lord, and that takes a lot of humility, recognizing that anything we are has come from him. Anything we're going to be is going to be by his working alone, and nothing we can do or even insist upon is going to gain us any ground with God. It's only by the blood of Jesus that we're justified. So, david, what if a husband is not doing what God's word says?

Speaker 3:

Well, even in this situation we're talking about, I know my temptation was not to do something that was against God's word, but certainly the strategies that you used in that situation I think do apply in all situations. First of all, you asked me a lot of very good questions, questions that took pleasing you out of the equation and really challenged me to please God. You asked me to explain what I was thinking. We had a lot of interactions because it was clear you were trying to understand, but the most important thing, I think, was that you were asking me to compare the choices against God's word, not focusing just on the implications for you or for me, but both of us before the Lord. The most important advice I can give a wife is you need to be your husband's advocate for restoration to God, no matter what the situation is. That has to be your first heart's desire, and not just to be the judge and the jury yourself.

Speaker 2:

It's those hard topics that us ladies really have a hard time just letting go like just resting in God. Many times we kind of hound our husband when we don't get the answer we're seeking or when a topic doesn't have a resolution that I like anywhere on the horizon. Not only does this type of hounding conversation say I don't trust God, it actually says to my husband I don't trust you either.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, many men really struggle with just feeling defeated If I don't have an answer that I know is going to satisfy her. So what do we do? Well, we just avoid the topic. We're talking all together. I'm not saying it's right, but we see it all the time.

Speaker 2:

The wife might be thinking my husband stinks, he doesn't have a better answer or any answer, or maybe he just doesn't care enough to help me come up with an answer. And women read so much into a husband's lack of talking. They take it very personally.

Speaker 3:

So our advice is don't act like you're the problem until you actually know that you are, and don't assume that you know him better than he knows himself. Do your best to be open and curious, asking good questions so that you have a chance to try to know his heart, and just assuring him in that process that you are by his side, that you are available to help wherever he needs you.

Speaker 2:

And I'm going to add to that by saying let your husband know that you believe the best of him. Now she's thinking, okay, this guy doesn't have a good answer at all and he's thinking she doesn't trust me. He doesn't actually say to her the question that he probably should Are you trusting God? Sometimes there actually isn't a better answer.

Speaker 3:

God wants us to go through something and us husbands oof we have a terrible time ever taking those things in prayer. The antidote is to recognize your husband's role and his actual abilities. You see, a lot of wives think to themselves you know what. He's not fulfilling his role, and it's true. But a lot of times the problem is actually his capacity. This means a godly wife is going to take her husband out of the crosshairs and she's going to look for ways that she can come alongside him to take some of that overload off of his shoulders. This starts by joining in prayer together about the priorities that we have, taking those things before the Lord and really wrestling with what can go.

Speaker 2:

Another antidote to this that many times gets overlooked is asking for forgiveness. A wife that really wants to bond to her husband, get him to engage once again, can say babe, I'm sorry that I've treated this thing, this big topic, really as something between you and I rather than something that I need to rest in God for, and I'd like to pray for my heart to change about my desire and trust that if it doesn't turn out, I'm going to submit to God's sovereignty in this area. That kind of conversation can really change the whole game.

Speaker 3:

Ladies, this means resting in God's timing and really encouraging your husband to do the exact same thing. Sometimes. It's not that you're demanding, it's something that simply doesn't have an answer and might not for a very long time. Boy, stay in communication about that topic. Come together often, but do so to bring it before God in prayer, to encourage each other when there's an outstanding issue that seems to not have an end in sight. Discouragement runs thick. Remind each other of truths in God's word that will allow us to persevere through the season.

Speaker 2:

We've talked about demands. We've talked about hounding, trying to get the answer that you want. And this next category, david, really is pretty similar but has some differences as well. And this is the problem of nagging. Oh, my goodness, seriously. I just said the word nag Like it makes me kind of cringe, just saying that out loud, because we've all got that person in our mind that would fit this category, don't we?

Speaker 2:

The lady that rules by her biting tongue but has no idea that she's like the woman described in Proverbs 21, 9. It's better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife, or better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife. Okay, so what I just read from Proverbs there says homelessness is preferred to living with this kind of woman. Oh, dear Lord, would you save us from being like this? And if I am like this, god, help me to change into a soft-hearted, joyous person that would trust in you and not in my ability to control. So, even though it's a little touchy girls, I think we should spend a few moments on this topic so God can speak to our hearts and shine his truth on this, if it is in fact, an issue. In order to do that, though, we've got to think about how and if we nag. If we're going to recover from this, we've got to know what it is. As I was looking into this in God's word, I realized that the Hebrew word for nagging is translated brawling and contentious a connotation of this constant dripping. Is there an area of your life and marriage, ladies, that you are constantly dripping on your husband, wearing him down slowly over time, like a stream carving a canyon? Many times, these aren't those difficult conversations that we need to have. They're not the things that keep cropping up, the big life decisions that need to be made, those hard topics that don't seem to have an answer. These are the little details of life, the things that we want done in a really specific way.

Speaker 2:

Let me give a personal example. We have a construction project going on at our house, and it's been going on for a long time, and I've really had to get my heart right with the Lord on this topic, because, boy, I'd really love to see this brought to completion. I'd love to have the room done, be able to walk in and know that we don't have any other to-do lists on this project. It would be very tempting for me to constantly drip on David on this topic, to slowly wear him down until he finally does what I want him to do. I might get the end result, I might get the construction project completed, but what would I have accomplished within my marriage by doing that?

Speaker 2:

The big takeaway with nagging is this telling your husband how much something he has done or not done is bothering you. When a husband hears repeatedly over and over hey, I asked you to do this, won't you do this, why didn't you do that? It speaks disrespect loud and clear, but we feel justified in it because we actually feel disrespected, like what we've asked of our husband isn't worth their time and attention. We translate that into that we aren't worth their time and attention. I've asked him to do this task. I've asked him 15 times. He's not honored that. So he's not honoring me A lot of times.

Speaker 2:

The things that we are nagging about, the things we're asking for I want you to think, honey, do list here are things that actually don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. In the moment they seem like they are all important. They're very annoying to us. We want them to get done like an exercise bike, david, in our loft that needs oil to stop the squeak, but we won't die if we don't have them. Life is going to go on if my exercise bike still squeaks every day. The greater plan and purpose that God has for you and your family is not going to be thwarted by a toilet that runs all the time or a phone call your husband keeps putting off.

Speaker 2:

I have to ask myself when I'm feeling this tension within myself. Am I fulfilling my role to be my husband's helpmate when I am nagging him? Am I being respectful when I'm constantly dripping on him, trying to get him to move in my direction? Am I giving grace to him when he doesn't react to me? Is this a capacity issue, maybe for him? Or is this a capability issue, ladies? You're there to help with that capacity, not saying you need to do it, but ask if there's something else that would maybe free him up to help him get the things that need to be done done.

Speaker 3:

Sadly, tracy, like you said a few minutes ago, many husbands are not great at honoring their wives. Many husbands are afraid to necessarily go and actually look at what God's word is asking them to do. Wives, you play a powerful role, but, as you've heard us say today, nagging is not the answer. Our challenge for the nagger is to really think about what's going to get the results. Our challenge for the nagger is to really think about what's going to get the results. Now, I'm not talking about your results. I'm talking about the kind of results that glorify God, the kind of results that speak about his kingdom to the world that's watching, even if you're nagging about something that's true. What has God asked you to do?

Speaker 2:

I think, as we conclude today on Vows to Keep Radio, that's what we need to focus on, ladies, not this desire that we have, that we are nagging or demanding or hounding our husbands about, but truly, what is the heart condition that God has asked of us? In Colossians, chapter 3, it says Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, making allowance for each other's faults and forgiving anyone who has offended you. It says remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others and, above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. That's the unity that you desire in your marriage. That's the engagement that you desire your husband to have. So, first of all, clothe yourselves in these things. Clothe yourself with patience this week towards your husband. Clothe yourselves with humility and gentleness when they don't have the answer or when they don't do what you've asked them to do, and let the peace of Christ rule in your heart. It ends in Colossians 3, 15. Christ rule in your heart. It ends in Colossians 3.15.

Speaker 2:

It may be, as you listen to us today here on Vows to Keep Radio, that you had not actually considered that nagging was a problem In our society. It's almost considered comical, it's considered funny. You see sitcoms on TV. You see the way people interact in a movie. You see the way your friends react at a joke of nagging your husband.

Speaker 2:

But God has called us to something different. He has called us to build up with our words, to not tear down. He's called us to live in peace with one another. He's called us to live in unity. He's called us to use our words to show his heart for our husband. If you find yourself this week hounding your husband about something, I would encourage you to take that to the throne of God and say God, I'm going to trust your sovereignty. If you find yourself demanding something of your husband this week, lay your rights before the throne of God. If you find yourself nagging your spouse this week, don't consider it as standard marital fare. Consider it as something that you may need to ask for forgiveness about and make it right before your husband and before God. Join us next week on Vows to Keep Radio for part two of how to get your husband to engage again.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. And click on the donate link. No-transcript.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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