The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

The Battle of Priorities: How Your Choices Shape Your Marriage + Life :: [Ep. 274]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 274

Share episode

The Battle of Priorities: How Your Choices Shape Your Marriage + Life :: [Ep. 274]

We are continuing our "Powerful Pursuit" series by examining how priorities reveal what we truly value and ultimately determine the quality of our marriages.

We will cover the following in this week's episode:

• Priorities determine how we spend our days and ultimately our lives
• Our actions reveal what's most important to us, regardless of what we claim
• The battle between urgent and important constantly shapes our marriages
• How King Solomon initially prioritized God but later allowed his priorities shifted
• Partial obedience is still disobedience when it comes to God's priorities
• Walking by the Spirit produces fruit that benefits marriage relationships
• Proper priorities in marriage come from recognizing everything as God's gift
• How to make margin for what matters most

We hope and pray that you and your spouse are helped! 

Be sure to listen to previous episodes, if you haven't already, in this series to learn more about bringing God's encouraging truth to your marriage.


Support the show

For episode transcripts, click HERE.

For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB

Apple Podcast listener? Would you consider leaving us a review, as this helps more couple's to find our resources?! Leave your review HERE.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers, and we hope that you, like us, have made Vows to Keep.

Speaker 3:

We are continuing our series on powerful pursuit, so if you missed the earlier broadcast, go to our website, vowstokeepcom to catch those earlier broadcasts. Recently I met with a friend we'll call Sean I'm not going to use his real name. He was crying out in agony because he realized how badly he wasn't leading his family. I know this pain. I've been there before myself. Now, in this case, he was saying you know what? I don't even think my wife will follow me. My kids they're two people I hardly even know.

Speaker 3:

In fact, all he felt like he really was good at was things that his wife and his kids couldn't actually see him do, and that was his work. And it was true he was really good at what he did. He invested where he felt it was fruitful, which was his job. So what he felt like he could do in his home was simply to pray, and he wanted to pray.

Speaker 3:

He did pray, but otherwise he felt totally powerless to change any of the dynamics that were happening in his home. So his view on this was for the longest time if I could just maintain status quo, we'd keep getting by and I'd be happy. Here I am, standing outside of his situation, and I don't know. If you've ever been in this position, where you're the outside looking in, it's pretty easy to see that Sean's priorities needed to change. But on the inside, if I'm being honest, I was facing my own difficulty about my own priorities. We jumped in a canoe and we just started writing down what are all of our responsibilities, what are all of our priorities, and how is it that we can reevaluate them.

Speaker 2:

And we got in a canoe because we knew we wouldn't be interrupted during those two hours. It was two solid hours without kids, without phone calls. I don't think we had cell reception. It was a perfect place to do some evaluating.

Speaker 3:

So today's show is for those like us at a point where we've realized we've got to reevaluate the priorities. Maybe we're even evaluating the health of our marriage and realizing, hey, this can no longer be just about survival. We have to do better than that Working together about what our priorities are saying about our pursuits. Even our best intentions can quickly interfere with what God has called us to pursue in our spouse. So is your life too much of a jumbled up mess of chaos that you can't even pretend that it's orderly anymore? Maybe it's been a long time since you've thought about what you need to put first on your list. Too many of us, as Christians, are saying you know what? Of course, god is first. But I think this thinking has only convinced us that we're on the right track, without really truly evaluating whether we are in line with that statement.

Speaker 2:

I think we all wish that we could just once and for all, just figure it out and just move on. But, truth be told, we're never going to stop learning and changing that priority order. It's always going to be shifting, because priorities aren't just affecting me, they affect my marriage, they affect my kids, they affect God's kingdom. They have to be evaluated. So what is a priority? Our priorities determine how we spend our days and, ultimately, how we spend our life. Our priorities not only regulate our time, but also who we spend it with. Our priorities get us out of bed in the morning and that's what keeps us going all day long, and they shout loudly to God and others the things that are most important to us. David, I bet if I asked you right now what my priorities were, you could probably tell me. I shout it out by the way I act.

Speaker 3:

Performance-driven people, which we both kind of fall into this, are constantly evaluating. We're always worrying if we're doing it wrong or right, and we've learned, as we were even preparing this show, that the best answer to that question is to be spirit led. Galatians 5, verses 14 through 21, says the flesh is always at a fight with the spirit. There's this tug of war for the resources of our lives. It says this you, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free, but do not use your freedom to indulge in the flesh. Rather, serve one another humbly in love, for the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command love your neighbor as yourself. And Tracy being my closest neighbor, your wife being my closest neighbor, your wife being your closest neighbor, your husband being your closest neighbor.

Speaker 3:

This really hits home. Verse 15 says if you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. And boy have we seen this in marriages. So I say 16 says walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh, for the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They're in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want to do. But if you're led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Speaker 2:

And that's really what this is all about flesh versus spirit. Because if we don't evaluate and line up our lives with God's word, we're just going to veer off into the flesh. And it goes on in verse 19 of Galatians 5, what the flesh is going to produce? Sexual immorality, impurity, idolatry which boy priorities fall right into that category Even hatred and discord. When I'm trying to get my way and you're trying to get yours, that creates that dissension between us. There's selfish ambition. Well, I think you get the picture. The list can go on.

Speaker 2:

But here's the obvious opposite of that list and I bet you have heard this before the fruit of the spirit. Right, the fruit of the spirit. When we follow what he asks us to do is all these awesome things that affect our marriage in awesome ways Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, and against any of those things there's no law. I'm going to finish with this verse from Galatians 5.24. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. There's some evaluating going on in the person that's willing to do that. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Speaker 3:

So your marriage is in this constant battle between the urgent and the important.

Speaker 2:

So who or what would you say is winning at the moment? In your life? Now, I know you've probably heard a lot of sermons, a lot of speeches about having the right priorities, and I think that when we hear the word priorities, david, there's like one of four reactions to that. I think number one we can feel actually guilty sometimes when confronted with the fact that your priorities are not in the right order.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, also, we can feel justified in hearing someone else tell us what our priorities should be, justified in hearing someone else tell us what our priorities should be, knowing that we've pretty much got it right and we can sit back and finally not have to be so uptight about this.

Speaker 2:

And the third one would be that we see the need for change. We hear the word priorities and you're like, yep, you know what, I do need to make some changes. So we feel motivated and now that we know what needs to happen, we decide to do something about it.

Speaker 3:

Or number four. We're constantly questioning ourselves, never really certain of what our priorities are. We burn more emotional resources actually in reviewing our priorities than actually doing something about it. So today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going. We burn more emotional resources actually in reviewing our priorities than actually doing something about it. So today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're going to be talking about what a priority is, some great examples in scripture that we can learn from and why priorities matter in our marriage, especially in how God wants us to set those priorities.

Speaker 3:

You've heard the saying what matters most gets the most. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. So normally there becomes a certain catalyst, something that causes us to all of a sudden scrutinize our lives. And we just came back from a hospital visiting family who was walking down this road. For you, maybe it's a job, maybe it's a move across the country. What's causing you to evaluate what you have at the top of your list? Sometimes it's more job, maybe it's a move across the country. What's causing you to evaluate what you have at the top of your list? Sometimes it's more subtle in these extreme examples. Perhaps you're running on empty every single day, just trying to keep your head above water and you're wondering is this all there is to life?

Speaker 2:

Maybe all of your pursuits aren't really buying for you the promised happiness that they initially offered. In the back of your mind, you're thinking okay, maybe I've just missed something along the way, so I'm going to try making this the priority instead, and let's see how that goes. You got to think about it this way. Life is life. We all have to make these small shifts in our choices and our schedules constantly and actually I do mean constantly because sin and the enemy cause us to do the old switcheroo all the time. All of a sudden, hey, we've got the number one thing, the number one thing, and then two minutes later it's already down at number 10.

Speaker 3:

The reality is that, in the end, what matters most to us comes out on top and everything else falls below it. You've got a list. Your life tells a story, and rarely is there any ties in that. When it comes to priorities, there's always a pecking order. So if the squeaky wheel gets the grease, where is the grease going to? Perhaps the wrong place? What capacity from your life is being robbed from where it's actually needed to serve God, to serve something it shouldn't be? Maybe sometimes we need to leave something ungreased, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 2:

Yes. Do I want to see my face in my scrubbed floors or do I want to see God's kingdom come? Sometimes I got to leave the floors alone. There's not one person on earth who's walking around missionless right now. That mission, those priorities, no matter how small minded they, not only determine our direction but ultimately how our entire lives play out. Our list affects those around us, especially those that we're closest to. There's not one marriage in the world that's not affected by the priority list of their spouse.

Speaker 3:

God prioritizes us, not because he has to, but because he loves you. He wants you. So the question is will you prioritize him? Will you prioritize what he asked for? Let's say, you just got the biggest promotion of your life. Your most cherished dreams are now fulfilled. So what's the first thing that you would do? Would you give away your car? No, would you give away your house?

Speaker 2:

I just got a promotion. I don't think I'd give it away.

Speaker 3:

How about your wedding ring? No, probably not. No, I'm going to keep that. So that's basically what a guy does in the Bible. When he was made king and we're going to talk about this amazing example he gave up a treasure worth countless amounts of money and his name is King Solomon. He's someone in the Bible who had his priorities in order and then he got duped by sin and an enemy and took them all out of whack.

Speaker 2:

You can read his story in the Old Testament we're going to be in 2 Chronicles 1, where it talks about how, when Solomon became king, he took all the leaders of Israel and he led them to a place of worship. So he gets this big job, promotion and he's like guys, we're going to give glory where glory is due. That's super cool. So he sacrifices some bulls on the altar, not one or two, or 10, or a hundred, a thousand of them.

Speaker 3:

That's an awful lot.

Speaker 2:

It is so telling of where his heart is at. Our actions always show what's going on inside. He's saying God, you're my Lord, everything I've got is yours and I'm going to honor you with what I do. And not only that, if you keep reading Solomon's story. That day he prayed that God would grant him the wisdom to lead the nation of Israel. That's quite a request.

Speaker 3:

It is.

Speaker 2:

He didn't ask for wealth or long life or fame. He had his priorities in order. He put God first, worshiped him only and then said God, everything you've given me is yours. How can I best be a steward of that? You've entrusted me with this. Okay, here I go. I need wisdom, god says. I'm going to answer a prayer like that. It sounds like such a great setup for our own lives, david. But if you've ever heard of King Solomon before, you've ever read his story, you can probably guess where this is heading.

Speaker 3:

That's not a great beginning that makes a great ending. It's the small, little choices that we make every day to keep the number one thing, the number one thing, and those things determine the outcomes. Eventually, he chases after many of the things that tear him down. He chases after many of the things that tear him down.

Speaker 2:

Solomon fell in the areas of sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry and more.

Speaker 3:

He placed personal pleasures as more important than God's best for him, which led him to do a lot of very detestable things. He eventually worships other gods, builds altars to them. He no longer considered that the Lord was his only God. His loyalties became divided, His priorities were not in order, and this caused his life to topple. The question is will we be spirit-led or Solomon-led? Will we be Tracy-led or David-led? Which one are we? Because we can't be both. We can't be led by the Lord and led by ourselves.

Speaker 2:

The priorities of our hearts set the priorities of our lives. So what do the things you make the most margin for in your life Tell your spouse or your friend or your coworker about who is leading you Growing up? Did you have maybe an older sibling who made some mistakes, an example that you watched and you said to yourself, hey, I'm never going to go down that path? Well, we have that here, david, in the life of King Solomon, an example of what not to do, and it's an amazing life lesson, if we'll pay attention to it, to take note of where we've held something in higher regard. Maybe we started off on the right foot. We really did mean it at the beginning. We were committed, but even sometimes the most heartfelt decisions we can veer off when we make something other than God, our greatest desire.

Speaker 3:

Solomon is this classic example of what we as humans do. We have these great moments of humility, life surrender, and then we go back to what we think is right. Proverbs 3 says don't be wise in your own eyes. And really, maybe that's where Solomon's life started to go south. He had been given a great gift wisdom beyond what any person had ever experienced. And maybe he's starting to think to himself yep, I am all that in a box of chocolates. I got this figured out. Pride is a priority derailer.

Speaker 2:

Where has your pride been a derailer to your original intent or calling?

Speaker 3:

This is such a simple fix and I want you to hear this today, because God made it very clear to Solomon that he would continue to bless him if he continued to obey God and his commands. So our priorities can be boiled down to the basics. They equal either obedience or disobedience to God's word.

Speaker 2:

God's number one command to us, if you look at God's word, is to love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. And it's so interesting when we follow that one command. Guess what happens If God is number one and you keep him there. You won't have to work so hard to keep all the other things in the right order, because he's going to order your life.

Speaker 3:

God prioritizes us, not because he has to, but because he loves you, he wants you. Will you prioritize him? Can you deprioritize the stuff that he isn't asking you to do? Because obedience is often just saying no. It's killing something that needs to die as a priority, and that's not easy to do.

Speaker 2:

That's hard.

Speaker 3:

So what do you need to say no to? What disobedience needs to stop? If this thing could die, what would be the good that would come out of it?

Speaker 2:

I think priorities can fall into all kinds of different categories, but let's talk about the priority of comfort just for a second. Now. I'm all for enjoying a movie on the couch, David, or maybe even propped up in bed. I got my jammies on, got my ice cream with extra peanut butter, maybe some popcorn. Hey, I'm in my element, but it's interesting. You think about comfort and that's kind of what I shoot for right away. But comfort really can take all kinds of different forms.

Speaker 3:

That's right. For most of us men, comfort takes the form of peace, a lack of confronting those things that are uncomfortable. So this is why so many men fail to spiritually lead, just like my friend Sean was struggling with. So many Christians want to stay away from that level of discipleship, because it means making a priority of being God's hands and feet in other people's lives, without any attempt at personal gain. Let's face it, there's a lot of times where it's easier to be married to our jobs than just to deal with what's going on at home. And that's pretty much where Sean and I were struggling, because we had slowly become people working hours well beyond what was normal, to the degree that a new normal is becoming established. We had basically married our jobs.

Speaker 3:

So, taken to extremes, you might say, okay, well, what are you going to do? Divorce your job? No, we're both the breadwinners in our family. We couldn't do that. But what has to happen is we have to raise the accountability to the level where we realize what's actually required within our marriage. God prioritizes you, not because he has to, but because he loves you, he wants you. So he's asking you. Will you prioritize him and will you deprioritize what he isn't asking you to. Will you prioritize what he does ask you to do? Will you take on his purpose for our lives? This is that little thing called being obedient you were talking about.

Speaker 2:

I think we discredit obedience as something that's going to massively direct our lives. We kind of shy away from it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, god asks us, though, to take care of and nurture our marriages, and he says this in Ephesians that a husband should take care of his wife just as he would take care of himself. He should love her like Christ loved the church, but in our culture, that seems pretty optional. We've been in this position where we slough off a little bit and there's not an immediate explosion, and we're fooled into continuing down this wrong path. We start to get to that point where we put our friends or our hobbies or our work above our marriage, and it almost seems like, hey, nothing is wrong here, everything is the status quo. And if you don't have to deal with that drama at home and you get to spend some time doing something you enjoy with easier people, why not?

Speaker 2:

Let's look at John, chapter two, because something interesting happens when Jesus performs his first public miracle. Do you remember what it is? It's that wedding party. They'd run out of wine. The servants are standing by. They're kind of wondering what to do, because the guests are expecting this. So Jesus' mother is there and he tells the guests one simple thing. She says do whatever he tells you. And then, in their obedience, what happens? Well, they get a miracle, an overabundance of what they could never have come up with on their own.

Speaker 2:

And sometimes, what Jesus is asking of us, it takes us out of our comfort zone. In fact, a lot of times it requires a lot of humility. Does it feel like he's pruning you by asking you to obey him? If you're waiting for Jesus to act on your behalf, do one simple thing, just like the servants that were standing by, when you hear his request, do whatever he tells you to do. And we know what he tells us. It's plain in his word, it's not a mystery. You don't have to wait for a voice from heaven. David, it is right in his word to love the Lord, your God, and him only to love your neighbor, your spouse, as yourself. That's it. If our obedience is only partial, though. If you're trying to have your cake and eat it too, then that's not actually true obedience.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we're going to look at another example. That's like that. Sometimes the Lord does have some special instructions and our flesh fights for our own priorities, sometimes alongside God's priorities. If we were going to pull one over In the Old Testament, no-transcript, the Lord wanted Saul to fight this people group and destroy them. Saul and his armies were not to take any prisoners and they weren't to bring home any animals. Well, Saul goes out to fight the battle and of course, he doesn't obey the Lord. His army didn't obey the Lord either. They captured the enemy king and took all the best animals. So here's Saul, super proud of himself, and what does he do? He goes and builds a monument to himself.

Speaker 3:

When Samuel told Saul that he had disobeyed the Lord, Saul does what we all start doing. First he even denies that it had happened. Then he said, well, it wasn't me, it was the soldiers that did happened. Then he said, well, it wasn't me, it was the soldiers that did it. And then he said the soldiers made him do it. Saul did obey by taking on the enemy, but he added his own spin on the command. In the end, his actions turned his heart against God, Just like what Solomon did and what you read Trace, are you living only partially in what God has asked? Is God and what he asks of you somewhere on your list, but not at the top? Full obedience is God's best for you and it's his best for your marriage as well.

Speaker 2:

All right. So as we conclude here today on Vows to Keep Radio, let's get a little bit practical. Let's take a moment to process this lesson through life and marriage, we will be bad stewards, sometimes unable to manage priorities, until we realize that everything we have comes from God. It is from His hand, it's from His good hand to you as a gift. So if you're feeling a tug on your heart to reprioritize, start by recognizing that God is your provider. Not our money, not our possessions, not our health, not even our own. Marriage is by our own doing, and neither is our time our own. We are all given the same number of hours in a day. Our lives have an expiration date on them. So we got to take this stuff seriously. Psalm 90 says teach us, lord, to number our days so that we can gain a heart of wisdom. We don't want to ask for wisdom like Solomon did and then just toss it to the side. We want to live in wisdom.

Speaker 3:

When we do ask that of God, he helps us to see that our lives, our days are not ours to begin with. They are gifts from his hands, and this is such a simple yet profound thought. If we're humble enough to admit this, then it's actually super easy to put God in that place of first priority and let the truth of his word guide where all of these resources, including our time, where our life, is headed under his direction. God prioritizes us, not because he has to. He loves you, he wants you. Will you pursue him? Will you be in pursuit of what he asks you to in your marriage? Wholeheartedly so?

Speaker 2:

Remember the priorities of our heart. Set the priorities of our lives. We said that earlier. Walk away with that today. Every outward action that you ever have expresses something inwardly that you're pursuing Our actions. Speak what means the most to us. People whose priorities are off are people whose purpose is off.

Speaker 3:

So what are God's priorities? First of all, it is you. That's why Jesus went to the cross, but it's also to know him in such a way that you'd want to make him known to others. It's that you'd be a steward of what he gives, including and especially your marriage, to show the love of a Savior for us as sinners, to a world that needs to see it.

Speaker 2:

Powerful pursuit is shown by making margin for what matters most. Don't believe your own lies. It's too easy to do that. Don't just prioritize what you feel you can't live without. Don't be deceived that there really is no other choice. It's just the way it has to be. Biblically, shifting priorities equals pursuit of God's best for your life and for your marriage. Romans 12 says don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way that you think. Then you'll learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Find more at VowsToKeepcom.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

People on this episode

Head Shot

David Sellars

Host
Head Shot

Tracy Sellars

Host