The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Becoming Your Spouse's Best Friend :: [Ep. 273]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 273

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Becoming Your Spouse's Best Friend :: [Ep. 273]

This week, we will explore the concept of friendship in marriage. Deep friendship between spouses is rare but it's achievable through consistent investment.

We will be talking about the following:

• Moving beyond surface-level interactions to genuine friendship requires actively pursuing your spouse
• True marriage friendship starts with self-evaluation and a shift from expecting friendship to offering it
• Discipleship is the foundation of marriage friendship - helping your spouse grow in Christlikeness
• The Three "sticky principles" for friendship: doing life together, helping through tough times, and telling truth in love
• Practical tips including spending intentional time together, exploring each other's interests, and caring for one another
• Connecting with like-minded couples provides accountability and encouragement

We hope by listening you and your spouse will be encouraged all the more! 

P.S. Do you have a desire to serve marriages in your community or the desire to support VowsToKeep financially? If so, visit VowsToKeep.com and click on the donate link! We appreciate your support!


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers and we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3:

All right, cold turkey question for you who is your best friend?

Speaker 2:

Are you asking me?

Speaker 3:

No, but I'm asking everyone who can hear my voice besides you?

Speaker 2:

All right.

Speaker 3:

While you're doing that, I want you to hear a little story about our friendship. So back in 2010, we moved to Ohio. At the same time, I got a work from home job the first that I'd ever experienced in my life and the dynamics of our relationship changed. It was kind of crazy. I mean, something tough would happen at work. And you were right there. You're the first person to know, and although we had to work really hard to make sure that people at work couldn't hear our kids in the background, that was a challenge.

Speaker 3:

It was a big challenge, the fact that we were accessible to each other.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 3:

It changed our friendship though.

Speaker 2:

Even though we'd already had a pretty great friendship since we got married and we've really been each other's best friend for like 20 years. This is year 20 for us. We love talking to each other, we love touching each other's hands and, you know, hugging throughout the day, laughing, crying. We even love to go on these mental field trips together. We eat most of our meals together. We're really in each other's company a lot. We work with a lot of couples to know that this kind of intimacy and friendship is rare. But honestly, David and I we're really not that special. It's not that things are perfect between us. We just know that investing in each other pays off in the long run. So what if you don't have this kind of relationship with your spouse?

Speaker 3:

Well, some would say, gosh, we just need to rewind the clock, right? We need to replay the things that used to kindle the romance for us when we were young and in love. So for us that was popping in the Journey CDs or the Boston Chicago CDs, a little love song you could jam to, maybe something as practical as scheduling a date. Take time to play, laugh and dream again, and this sounds nice. But is it enough?

Speaker 2:

Then we went through a season of COVID A lot of couples working at home together for the first time, trying to do their full-time job alongside being parents and cooks and teachers. Just trying to balance it while trying to stay sane at the same time.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I took an informal poll with some of my colleagues during the very beginning stages of COVID that season probably maybe two months in and said hey, how are you doing? And surprisingly, most of them said you know what we're actually doing. Really good, we're spending more time with our kids, less time running everyone around God's green earth. Fast forward, you know six, eight, nine months of that and people are like you know what? I need a vacation for my family. What we used to do to go get time with them, now we need to do because we need a break from our spouse. So now we're under the same roof. We're spending more time with our spouse and that friendship conversation becomes a whole new kind of conversation. Is it something we even aspire to do or is it something that we just don't even know how to foster anymore?

Speaker 2:

David started out today on Vows to Keep Radio asking for the name of your best friend, and I'm going to ask you now what's the name of your spouse? Picture that in your head, do?

Speaker 3:

you want me to answer that now?

Speaker 2:

Yes, Most of us come up with two different people when we're asked those questions. So when I was younger, my best friend was Sarah and David. This was pre-David in my life.

Speaker 3:

Well before Tracy was in my life, my best friend was my younger brother, Dan. We did everything together before you and I got married and then we met and, of course, you were my focus. You became my best friend and we love spending every moment together, and I think a lot of marriages start exactly like that.

Speaker 2:

But over time things can change. I had a friend in a different state that we used to live in and she was a stay-at-home mom. She had two young kids, but her husband traveled a lot. He was gone most of the month. He was only home a couple days out of the month, and it wasn't long before she was publicly stating that she felt like a single mom. And I can. I can see why she felt that way. But when he would come home it was interesting. She began to actually resent him. When he was there, his presence interrupted the cadence of her day and how things normally went, and she had to kind of readjust when he was home. So rather than trying to stay connected, she actually looked forward to him leaving again so she could have her independence back. So I wonder what her reaction would be to her spouse taking a work from home job. What if his traveling job just completely went away and he was home? I want you to consider that for yourself too. What did staying home more during the COVID season do to your relationship?

Speaker 3:

Some people are saying we started this season and, honestly, I can't stand my spouse. We tolerate each other, so why would that change now? Why would we be best friends except for the fact that we wanted to have that postcard? Look when we walked into church holding hands. We want everyone to believe that everything is cool, but we don't actually roll like that in our marriage. I've got my peeps and maybe you've got yours who keep us sane, who give us someone to hang out with, who give us someone to really share what's happening in our lives with.

Speaker 2:

And maybe your marriage friendship isn't as far gone as my friend that I just talked about. But I just talked with this other couple recently who were really excited because, coming up, they were going to have a few days apart from each other and both of them were like just casually talking about it, like there was nothing wrong with that, and they were really excited about the break that they were going to get. And it's not that they were really likely, david, to probably run into sin while they were apart from each other, but I think they were really missing the point, overlooking the reason that God gave them to each other.

Speaker 3:

So if this is you, if you're aware this couple that Tracy just described is, we hope that we can help you today. So this is what our agenda looks like First and foremost, we're going to spend some time talking about where we start if our spouse isn't our best friend. Second, we're going to go over some biblical principles that the Bible presents for instructions about how to be someone's friend, and then, finally, we're going to go over some suggestions that Tracy and I have personally experienced that cultivate a strong friendship in our marriage, and we hope we'll do the same for you.

Speaker 2:

Sounds like a great broadcast. We are in part four of our Powerful Pursuit series here on Vows to Keep Radio. You can listen to the other broadcasts on our website, vowstokeepcom. So as I start here, I'm thinking about a friend of mine, david. I'm picturing her listening to this broadcast and, if she is, she's literally going click and turning bells to keep radio off, because I know her and she has really no desire for her husband to be her best friend Absolutely none. She is literally on vacation right now with who she would call her best friend, and where is her husband? Well, he's at home alone right now, and it's really not just this vacation, it's the way they run their house you over there, me over here.

Speaker 2:

Let's keep some social distancing between us and all will be well. She doesn't see her husband as someone who adds value to her life, and I wonder if you see your spouse like that. At first glance, that looks to be the issue that she's finding value in her career, her friends, her goals. But the root problem actually is this, I think, is that she has lost sight of her value in his life. She's stopped being the best friend to him that he needs and, as a result, she's robbed herself of the best friend that God put permanently in her life. We love others because God first loved us, but we forget that Second Corinthians 5 says that it's Christ's love that should compel us. Powerful pursuit of your spouse actually starts with an honest evaluation of your own personal need for a Savior. And then we see, okay, our spouse has the exact same need and it is our goal to reach into their life and swivel their heads so their eyes land on Christ again and again, and again whenever they get off.

Speaker 3:

Discipleship is coming along, someone in the name of Christ. It's teaching them, loving them, admonishing them, watching out for where that person may stumble. Are you looking for your spouse to show you friendship or are you looking for ways to be their best friend? I'll repeat that question one more time Are you looking for your spouse to show you friendship or are you looking for ways to be their best friend? Because the difference is a shift in your heart.

Speaker 2:

Recently I spoke with several friends who find themselves in the same position that I do, sometimes feeling like they're always the ones, when they're at church or at school or different events, walking up to someone, they're the ones texting their friends, they're the one initiating get togethers and they're saying, hey, I am weary of pouring out and not receiving that reciprocation.

Speaker 3:

So we think discipleship is something that others should be doing to us, which is not wrong, but it can't be why we go to church.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so. Let's put this in marriage context here. If you're waiting for your spouse to be there, for you to be the one to put down his phone and pay attention to you, I have to stop keeping count of David's wrongs and waiting for him to look my way before I start heading in his direction.

Speaker 3:

So if we look to God's word on how we should treat our spouse, how we should talk to our spouse, how we should love our spouse, how we should lay down our life for our spouse, what we're called to do adds up to what it takes to be someone's best friend. We need to start looking at our calling differently in our marriage. Maybe you're having a hard time wrapping your head around this, Like where do I actually start? I know my marriage needs change. Where do I start? This means that we need to put love into action, no matter how that person is reciprocating. And we can look in Proverbs 18.

Speaker 3:

This is verse 24. It says a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And we're going to be talking about three principles. We'll call them sticky principles because that's what Proverbs says someone who sticks closer than a brother. The first principle is that, at every opportunity, do life together. Becoming best friends in marriage means that we've got to be side by side, and this is as sticky as it sounds. It's obvious.

Speaker 2:

That's right. The word used in Proverbs 18 for sticks is the same word used in Genesis 2.24 for cleaving. For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh. I love that. Cleaving and sticking is a commitment to permanency in marriage, to be glued together for life all the time, looking for ways to do life together. And we have to remember it's not about having ooey-gooey feelings for each other all the time. Now, hopefully, that'll be sort of a fruit that comes from this, but you don't have to have that in order to invest in your husband for his good, for his growth, to see him as someone that God has his hand on and wants to use for his kingdom, and you're just this awesome tool in his life to help make that happen.

Speaker 3:

So there's some of us that are saying, okay, wait a second, dave and Tracy, you don't know my situation. I can't take my wife to work with me, and I would say, actually you might be wrong, because a husband or even a wife without a visible presence of their spouse at work has missed a great opportunity. You know, I do work from home and one of the things that all my coworkers have done is actually either talk to her or have a very keen knowledge of the importance that she has in my life. And this does two things. The first is it sets up for protection for me as a man. It's something which protects my marriage, and everyone knows that she is a priority. That tells other people that they can't come and try to start a relationship with me in a way that would be inappropriate. But the next thing is it's a testimony about God. It's a witness to how God's design for marriage actually works.

Speaker 2:

Right, but it's not just work. This can transfer into all kinds of other areas of our life. So where do we need to cleave to our spouse? Where do you need to become one again?

Speaker 3:

Where are you mindlessly spending time where you might be living independently from your spouse?

Speaker 2:

Because that happens when we're not watchful. Where are you replacing the friendship you once had with them with the companionship of someone else? Some things to think about as we go into the second sticky principle.

Speaker 3:

And that second one is committing to help your spouse in the thick of a really tough day, or maybe a tough season.

Speaker 2:

I bet you can think of five or six couples right off the top of your head right now who have lived this out through health problems, strokes, depression, injury, cancer. I definitely can think of those right now. We've even been there ourselves. David fell through some rafters and spent four months recovering. We had to stick like glue to one another, to be there for each other, just to get through it.

Speaker 3:

But this even happened this week, when Tracy saw some encouragement that I needed as a father at a time that I was kind of ready to tap out.

Speaker 2:

And we all definitely get there. God didn't purposely place you in your marriage to ignore the soul or the struggles of your spouse. You are there for a reason.

Speaker 3:

Proverbs 17,. 17 says it this way A friend loves at all times, and a brother or a sister is born for adversity. When adversity comes, the sticky friend is there, and I mean really there rushing headlong into the crisis, bringing the counsel that a friend needs.

Speaker 3:

We have a joke in our house when there's a piano that needs to be moved, don't reach for the bench. So when your spouse is quiet, right, when things are hard, it would be tempting to just sort of like lay low, and that's the equivalent of reaching for the bench. You need to really find out why. Why is it that they're having a kick the dog kind of day? Why is it that they're struggling so that dog kind of day? Why is it that they're struggling, so that you can help lean into the solution? This can be things that are emotional, but also things that are very practical. When Tracy's back isn't feeling good, sometimes it's as simple as recognizing oh, she's kind of nursing a little bit, so I'm going to give her a back rub.

Speaker 2:

And that third sticky principle of friendship is a commitment to telling the truth in love. Even if it is initially going to be a little bit painful for your spouse's heart to hear when he or she is in sin, they need you. Biblically, you are called to come alongside them and speak the truth in love. Anyone can love someone because they serve them perfectly, but to know the flaws and to love them through those is so rare and pure and perfect. Loving someone through their wrong choices doesn't mean that you just put up with it or maybe even isolate yourself from seeing it or grabbing control of what's happening. It means discipleship with God's word, not just your feelings. Proverbs 27, 6 says faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. I need David to not ignore my sin.

Speaker 3:

Discipleship. Friendship. It takes time, it takes interaction. It means knowing someone well enough to love them back to the truth. Now I've got a couple of close friends that are Christian men and I was just having this conversation with one of them this morning.

Speaker 3:

If I went off the rails, I would think it very strange if they didn't try to come and lovingly correct me. If they let me veer off to the demise of my life or to my marriage, I'm not sure I could consider them true friends. So are you a true friend to your wife? The wounds of a sticky, loving spouse create a healing as well as a sharpening in their life, and sharpening is something that's not just making a selfish demand to change what you did to offend me, but instead it's about a commitment to discipling someone, a commitment to helping your spouse grow and change to become more like Christ, their Savior. James 5, verses 19 and 20, says my brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings them back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save a soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. This is so practical. We've lived it out ourselves.

Speaker 2:

So we've gone over these three great principles of friendship and marriage, hopefully switching the mindset from hey, how come my spouse just isn't that into me? To how can I be their best friend? How can I disciple them to Christ likeness? Discipleship is such an interesting thing when we sit down across the table from a couple that we're counseling and they're hoping for change in their marriage. Boy, we wish we could just snap our fingers, press a button to make things just immediately different. But discipleship doesn't work that way, and I don't think friendship does either. It requires a lot of cultivation until you start to see some of that fruit. So today you might plant a seed in your husband's heart. Tonight you might throw a little light on it from God's word. Tomorrow you might water it with being patient and kind when you don't feel like it. I wonder how long it'll be for you before you start to see that friendship start to blossom between you.

Speaker 3:

It all depends on where you're starting from. For some it might take months, for others it might take years. The key, though, is being consistent and persistent in following God, without expectations that you're going to see the fruit of this side of heaven, but it's amazing to see what can happen when we just assume the best and stay meaningfully engaged with our spouse.

Speaker 2:

That is so true.

Speaker 3:

Lord, give us perseverance to go the long haul. Now, as we're ending today with Vows to Keep Radio, we want to throw a couple of nuggets that we've learned really cultivate a strong relationship, a strong friendship within our marriage, like God designed us to have. We'll probably put these out on Facebook for you to be able to refer to them later, but really they're all summed up by Jesus' words from Luke 6, 31. It says do to others what you would want them to do to you.

Speaker 2:

All right. So let's jump into these, david, real quick. So, number one choose to spend time together rather than apart, and I think to do this, we really need to be mindful of how we're actually spending our time. A lot of us have a lot of fat in our day, some things we could cut out. You've spent an hour watching this YouTube video. Hey, let's spend an hour taking a walk, having a bowl of ice cream together, laughing, maybe even playing a game. Let's do something intentional. We've made some really significant concessions for the sake of our friendship and our life. We've established habits and routines that allow for quality time together, and we need to, and you need to, guard that time as really precious.

Speaker 3:

We got to make margin and trust that God will use it in your marriage relationships. The second is to explore the interests of your spouse.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, what are they into? That maybe really doesn't even interest you at all. That's where you need to be honing in on Join them in what they're passionate about. That is going to speak so loudly to them. In fact, we did a whole broadcast on this in this series. It's pursuing your spouse by going from observer to champion. You can find that on our website, vowstokeepcom, and often that is going gonna take sacrifice on your part, not only in your time, but in your attitude.

Speaker 3:

So if you say, okay, yeah, fine, I'll hang out with you, it's clearly begrudgingly. Guess what All of those efforts are gonna be trashed by your attitude. Take some time to understand your spouse's interest and engage in them. Also, for us, it's been carving out a weekend that we can get away from the kids and spend an overnight time together. I love doing the research I know you do as well to just figure out a time where we're going to bless our spouse. So in our marriage we do sort of trade back and forth on that, and it's always done as a surprise, but it's awesome.

Speaker 2:

When I know he's invested in our relationship like that, it makes me want to spend time with you. It makes me want to be your best friend. So, number three nourish and care for one another, and this is so biblical, this is so how God treats us, and he's asking us to do the same. Romans 12, 10,. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Speaker 3:

This means being gentle with one another, and that could be in the big stuff, like when we lost our fourth child. That was a really tough time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, or maybe just how you show me grace. You definitely care for me and nourish me when you don't make fun of me, when I trip again, like there's some days where I get three, four bruises in a day because I'm such a klutz, we cut out the eye rolling in our house, we cut out the throat clearing, we cut out laughing at the other person's expense because that does not cultivate friendship.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely the opposite. Your spouse needs to know that you are a safe place for them to be, faults and all. But that doesn't mean that you don't offer accountability. And that's the fourth tip.

Speaker 3:

Having accountability and mutual respect, because any quality friendship has to have these things, and I think sometimes we think we're exempt from this once we get married. Tracy knows everything about my brokenness. I go to her first in difficult situations and there's a small circle of people who know us so well that they know all of our brokenness, all of our weaknesses. Make sure your wife is in that circle. Having that transparency has given us strength and clarity and actually a lot of freedom, and then knowing where each other are weak and having a respectful, mindful attitude is an amazing challenge that has brought a lot of fruit in our marriage.

Speaker 3:

The fifth thing is praying together, and this is a habit that is well worth establishing. If you've never really done this before with your wife, or you've maybe been hit and miss, no time like the present to start. It might be praying together a certain time of day or through, you know, maybe it's at meals, whatever, but for us we're under the same roof all the time. What that means is being watchful of where your spouse is struggling and, just you know, spontaneously stopping to pray when she needs lifted up or when we need to seek wisdom from God's word together.

Speaker 2:

That is a huge tip. Take that one away for sure. So number six speak in truth and wisdom. Always ask God to give you the right wording and timing when you need to speak that truth and love to your mate. Correcting them is always remedial, it's never disciplinary. So we've got to check our own hearts before we say hey, david, I got something to talk with you about. If I'm seeking restitution for how he's hurt me, that's a sign I'm not ready to speak the truth in love because he's not going to hear it that way. I've got to get my heart right first. And number seven affirm one another every single day. This has been so important in our friendship because we forget or we might not be aware of how we've grown as a parent or how we've been less selfish. This week I need him to tell me hey, this is where I see growth in you, and you need the same Encourage one another, day after day, as long as it's called today.

Speaker 3:

Our final tip today link up with another couple who, explicitly, you know are trying to also develop a deep, meaningful friendship in their marriage. Go, spend time with that couple, share ideas, encourage each other. Don't try to go this road alone. That's not how we're designed to live. Stay accountable to that couple that you know has the same goal. Deep friendship is as required as passionate intimacy. If your goal is a happy, long-lasting marriage, god's design for your love enables you to disciple, to be discipled and to jointly disciple others. To God be the glory in this thing called marriage.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. No-transcript.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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