The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

The False Promise of Happily Ever After :: [Ep. 272]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 272

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The False Promise of Happily Ever After :: [Ep. 272]

Join us this week as we debunk the entitlement myth that pervades modern marriages. We are challenging couples to reevaluate their lives through the lens of God's purpose rather than personal paradise. We will explore how cultural expectations and fairytale narratives create dangerous assumptions about what marriage should provide.

We will be talking about the following:

• Marriage wasn't designed to be perfect—it was designed to be purposeful
• God created marriage for dual purposes
• The pursuit of earthly paradise leads to disappointment and destructive behaviors
• Nothing on earth was meant to be permanent or fully satisfying
• Shifting our expectations from spouse-centered to God-centered
• Action steps needed to move forward in the right direction

We hope you are helped and encouraged! Be sure to join us next week for part four of the Powerful Pursuit series: "Why Your Spouse Should Be Your Closest Friend."


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And, like you, we have made vows to keep. I've been working on a pretty fun project with my 13-year-old daughter. For those that don't know, we're building a 1960 Volkswagen.

Speaker 2:

It's going to be so cute when it's done like mint green.

Speaker 3:

It is. It is, and we've been welding on new body parts and cutting out rust has been a pretty intense project and it's one that has required us to go search for parts because we bought it as a project car. So here I am on Facebook Marketplace and I put in like VW bug parts, scrolling through tons of pictures, and periodically on the screen there's these women. They're fully clothed but I mean looking real lusty eyed at me trying to sell tools and obviously it's junk that this woman has never used. She's like a hired model, and it occurred to me the other day. Why does this work? I mean, why don't they have a picture of an overweight farmer in bib overalls trying to sell these tools? Because he's the guy who's likely to actually have had some experience, he could recommend the tool with some authority, but they don't do that because that's not who we, as the person, are trying to market to want to be.

Speaker 2:

It's not who you want to be with. They're trying to say, if you buy this, this is the girl you can be with. But I don't think it's a whole lot different for women, because I'm watching these home renovation shows and so all of a sudden I want my house to look like that. I look at the Smiths down the street and see how they've got their stuff and boy it sure wouldn't my life be better if I had that. You can look at Pinterest and Facebook, and the list can go on, and the message is really out there. It says your life should look like this and if it does, you're going to be happy.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, go grab this for yourself. The imagery, as you say. It's a little bit different for guys and girls, but the message is the same. This is perfection and this is what you want, and it creates something scary a paradise, if you will, that we go pursue. 1 John 2.16 describes it as the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life, and it's basically everything the world has to offer, and not things from the Father in heaven. Above it is a picture that is painted perfectly for me to go pursue. In fact, if you know anything about artificial intelligence and how websites work, they have developed an algorithm to try to understand how they can best market to you. So today, on Vast Keep Radio, our goal is to debunk this myth, debunk the entitlement myth. Help us to reevaluate our lives, looking at things through the lens of purpose, and not for ourselves, but a purpose that will outlast us.

Speaker 2:

Yes, this is part three in our Powerful Pursuit series. Really be looking today at what are we pursuing, because these mentalities we've been talking about, they not only invade our homes, david, they invade our marriages, and I know guys have that entitlement in a different way than girls do. So talk about that, for a second.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, sure, I mean. I think a lot of us guys we get married and we think, well, this woman should adore me all the time. And I do this woman should want to have sex with me anytime I want it. We get entitled in our view of what this relationship, how it should serve me.

Speaker 2:

And for girls, I see it in the presumption of you're always going to be there for me, you're always going to pay attention to the desires of my heart, and not only that, you're going to work really hard to meet those desires. But it's interesting that when we start to think this way, it alters the expectations we have of each other. Now, all of a sudden, you owe me my dreams, david, and that gives me license to well, let's just call it what it is. It gives me license to sin. It gives me license to go from being pleasant and kind and patient to being a nag, from being a tenderhearted giver who's looking on how I can meet your needs to now, all of a sudden, saying hey, I'm going to demand my way.

Speaker 3:

So if you've been married for more than about two weeks, you are well aware of the fact that you married a sinner, and so did they, and the fairytale charade that we envisioned on the day that we were married isn't going to deliver.

Speaker 2:

I remember a friend talking to me a few years after she got married and she was pretty upset and I didn't quite understand it at first. But as she got going she basically said I wish someone would have told me the truth about marriage. That someone would have spoken up and said just because you guys have the same last name doesn't mean you're going to have happily ever after. She felt gypped, david. She felt fooled. She wishes someone would have told her the truth. Now, you wanted a great life with your spouse. There's nothing wrong with that. You wanted to share your life with them. But maybe that hasn't been a reality for you for the last year or 40 years. So you might be saying, hey, listen, chick, marriage is not cool, you shouldn't do it, it doesn't work. I've been there.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we set the expectation even when our kids are even very little. I remember reading stories to our daughters when they were real little and all the storybooks all end with and they lived happily ever after yeah. And that's pretty much how our wedding ended, didn't it? Isn't that what he said?

Speaker 2:

That's what Pastor Rob said when he sent us down the aisle. Not exactly.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, but things don't go like we planned. And then we begin to doubt. We have these thoughts Did I marry the wrong person? Did I miss God's will for my life in marrying this person?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, things aren't going right. So we start thinking that way and if that's you, you've been there or maybe you're there right now. Let's talk just you and us, today about pursuing paradise and what paradise you are actually pursuing, about God's plan for your life and your marriage, and about the truth of these things and the root of those questions, and then let's make some forward progress from here.

Speaker 3:

We are sadly programmed to think that happiness in marriage is automatic simply because we now share the same address.

Speaker 2:

So here's the lie. If marriage is the problem, divorce or never getting married in the first place would be the solution right.

Speaker 3:

Another lie. If this girl isn't making me happy, or if this guy is not making you happy, someone else still could, and maybe I need to go out and do a little looking around. But this is where it gets a little awkward, because God actually did create us to ultimately live in a paradise, and we will get there. But in the meantime, we have to understand that acting on these lies that we've just talked about is where the real destruction takes place. We forget that our marriages are actually here for two purposes and that when we live in the here and now by God's word, we can actually fulfill those. The first purpose I want to talk about is to prepare us for a forever with our maker.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, and that's not something I think about very often. I don't think about that. This relationship is like a refiner's fire. It's meant to show what's in my heart and then I can make that right with the Lord and with you. And I love how you said, david, that our marriages are for two purposes. They are dual purpose, because the second thing is that God has intended for your marriage to reflect your Savior's love to your spouse every single day. And then when other people see that love, then they're going to see a reflection of the Savior's love for them.

Speaker 3:

That is why God created marriage. That's why God handpicked you to be with your spouse. Both of these purposes bring glory to God, and they put the gospel on display to a world that desperately needs to see the meaning of what God's love looks like.

Speaker 2:

We just talked about the purpose of marriage. But when I was wearing white and looking for your eyes meeting mine down the aisle, I wasn't thinking about the purpose of my marriage from God's point of view. It's like when I met you, I just wanted you to ask me out, or when we were dating, I just wanted you to propose. I was just looking at that next little baby step in front of me. I couldn't see very far down the road or why we were even doing the same. Of course I wanted to give you my love and I wanted you to love me in return. There's nothing wrong with that. But we can't stop there.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and unfortunately that is where a lot of people do stop. They'll stick their head in a hole at that point and say gosh, I mean, I'm assuming everything's going to work out good from here. And so many marriages cross that wedding finish line only to realize that they actually haven't crossed the finish line at all. They have missed the fact that their goal in marriage can't simply be to please themselves or to have their spouse please them or them to please their spouse.

Speaker 2:

I think when we get to that point and a lot of us have we become really nearsighted. David, you just got glasses recently. You can probably speak to this better than me.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, everything that's right in front of us, that's what we run toward. The stuff that's easy in front of us. That's what we run toward, the stuff that's easy to get right, the easy pleasures, the low-hanging fruit, as we call it in the business world. But we can't just focus on a life that's lived day in, day out. We have to be thinking about a year from now or maybe even 10 years from now.

Speaker 3:

We have to be thinking about eternity. We have to live in such a way that we don't let the princess mentality that those storybook weddings seem to promise put blinders on our eyes for what we were really created to be doing, for what our marriages were really created to be doing. There's so much more that God has designed for you and for your marriage, all to tell a world that desperately needs to know of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2:

So you're listening to us today. You might be saying, guys, you have no idea what my marriage is like. My home is a wreck. I'm just trying to stay afloat here. I'm just trying to get up tomorrow morning and just keep going. If that's where you're at, then we're really glad you're here, because we're going to talk about how God has, first of all, not intended your marriage to be perfect. It was meant to be used by God. In fact, nothing that we can see or touch has any intention of lasting forever. Nothing is intended to be perfect. That's not how God created it. You look at our bodies, our possessions. Nothing is forever. David and I just bought a leather couch off of our possessions. Nothing is forever. David and I just bought a leather couch off of Craigslist, which is awesome. We love getting deals like that. But guess what, david? It already has like an inch long boo-boo on one of the seats.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't even know where it came from. And those hardwood floors that you just took a home equity line and credit out to redo so you could have that forever home. Guess what, it's not your forever home and somebody else is going to come in one day and rip up those floors and redo the house.

Speaker 3:

So you're saying the Volkswagen bug that Hope and I are restoring isn't going to last for forever?

Speaker 2:

then yeah, someday it's going to be in the scrap heap or maybe someone else is going to redo it, but you know what? It's actually okay. It's actually totally cool that our time here is just brief. Our bodies weren't meant to last Our life. Here is just a shadow of what's to come. We are gearing up to go from temporary to eternal, and that's awesome.

Speaker 3:

So if your home is a wreck, what we want you to hear is that God is not done with you. He's given us a lot of tools for success. When we read in his word, we begin to see that even if we're the only one in our home who's investing, he tells us how to treat each other. He says this is how to say things between each other and maybe what not to say right, those selfish thoughts we got to hold on to the judgment. He teaches us about expectations and intimacy. And if we read in 2 Peter, chapter 1, he gives us everything we need to know to live a godly life. And when we follow his commandments for us, we realize that obedience does bring blessings. It is literally that simple.

Speaker 2:

So here's a little bit of homework for you guys. I want you to read through the book of Ephesians, and if that seems a little long, because it's six chapters, that's okay. Start with chapters four and five. Such great blueprints, david, for how we should talk to each other, what's really going on in our hearts and how that comes out in the way that we speak. If people put Ephesians four and five into practice in their marriage and homes, our entire nation and world would change dramatically.

Speaker 3:

So what about you? Maybe there's some of us that right now are saying I have not let go of the hope of happily ever after. What about the paradise that I am holding on to? Maybe your wife doesn't hold on to your every word like she used to hang on to it. Maybe there's no friendship between us to brighten the day when those days are dark. Maybe your husband is so distracted that he doesn't even see you anymore. Your marriage may not be picturesque. It may not be what you dreamed it would be, and you may have actually strived very hard to make it that way. You may still be striving to put everything right so that your happily ever after can still come.

Speaker 2:

So what does that look like in your life? For me, over the last few years I've been trying to bring to fruition a dream that David and I have had from the beginning of our marriage. Maybe I shouldn't say trying to bring to fruition, it's just something I've been really hoping that would happen, and it's not a bad dream. In fact I really do hope that someday God is going to grant that. But where I can get off track is by just firmly saying I have to have this, I need this, otherwise I'm going to suffer. And when I start to put those things in a place of priority that doesn't belong same with my actions, hey, I'm not going to be happy. Unless this happens, then our marriage starts to suffer.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's crazy that we can do the same thing with material possessions like houses and cars. I mean, we may not have the castle on the hill, but we work like crazy to have the best house on the block and we can go deeply in debt, sometimes even asking our bankers to work magic with the numbers so we can get a loan for a car we really can't afford, and knock the socks off of anyone who sees us driving around town.

Speaker 2:

It's just evidence that we easily default to pursuing paradise here rather than pursuing paradise in our eternity. We've got to ask ourselves where have I made something an idol in my life? What am I chasing after? Or, at the very least, what am I letting be a distraction against going after what God has actually called me to do? Jesus gives us a heads up on this, david in Luke 12, where he says don't worry about these things. He's saying don't pursue the things. You can see right now Saying what will we eat, what will we drink, what will we wear when?

Speaker 3:

will we live.

Speaker 2:

Very practical stuff. These things, he says, dominate the thoughts of unbelievers. But your heavenly father already knows all your needs, he's saying. Your God is the best provider in the world. You don't need to chase after these things. Instead, seek the kingdom of God above all else. Live righteously and he's going to give you everything that you need.

Speaker 3:

God knows us so well. Jesus is saying these things because he knows that our temporary goals of pursuing these things is going to interfere with our ability to actually pursue his paradise. So we live divided and therefore we live defeated.

Speaker 2:

I've seen that played out in my life a number of times. Has pursuing paradise put you in the position of expecting heaven on earth? It has for me for sure.

Speaker 3:

I think a fast cure is to go look at Colossians 3. It says this since you've been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth, for you died this life and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

Speaker 2:

So I want to ask you what's the main thing that gets your eyes off of Christ and pursuing his paradise? What is the thing that's distracting you from his purpose for your marriage?

Speaker 3:

If we don't see heaven as a reality, if we doubt and forget where we're headed. We need to take some time and actually remember that and actually renew our minds with God's word. I want to direct us to 1 Peter, chapter 1. It says I'm going to jump into verse 17 first and then we'll back up after this. It says I'm going to jump into verse 17 first and then we'll back up after this. It says since you call on a father who judges each person's work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear, for you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you by your ancestors, but and this is a big but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

Speaker 2:

I love how that verse reminds us that we are temporary residents. Just passing through on our way to our permanent home Earth was never meant to fulfill or satisfy. Instead, we're headed somewhere so much better. So, like David said, we're going to back up in 1 Peter 1. Here let's go to verse 3 and 4, because it's by his great mercy that we have been born again, again, remembering what God has done for us and where we're headed, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. So now we live with great expectation and we have a priceless inheritance, an inheritance that is kept in heaven for us. It's pure and undefiled and it's beyond the reach of change and decay, so opposite of everything that we can see around us.

Speaker 3:

And this is a happily ever after that we can actually believe in. It's a paradise that we can pursue. God is preparing and preserving for you a future that you've always dreamed of and never been able to conjure up. This side of heaven, and this mindset should cause us to shift our priorities and our goals today.

Speaker 2:

So those verses, coupled with where Jesus was talking in Luke 12 about not worrying, should give us a new drive for getting up in the morning. God tells us we have an inheritance that he's preserving for us. So let's break that down as we look forward to that inheritance in Christ. When he comes and takes us home, we are promised heaven. Righteousness dwells there. It's this picture-perfect future that awaits us. So first of all, he says your inheritance is priceless, david, and we know that because Jesus purchased it with his own blood and there's no way we could ever earn our way into that. It's a gift to you and I and it's going to be amazing. And secondly, this verse tells us that our inheritance is reserved for us and kept in heaven. It's far from decay, like everything here.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, knowing what awaits we have. To echo Hebrews 11, verse 10. It says confidently, looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God. Finally, our eternity and our eternal home is pure and undefiled. It is beyond the reach of decay that we see happen all around us today. In all of our relationships, everything will be how God originally intended it to be, and that's that paradise we were talking about earlier on. These truths from 1 Peter are a great reminder that I really do have a happily ever after coming. Maybe you don't have the fairytale marriage right now to a spouse who really can't grant every wish, but we have a living, glorious Savior who has given us a hope and given us a future.

Speaker 2:

So we can pursue God and one day be with him in paradise, knowing that we did strive here, we did push forward with our marriage, david, we did seek to be like Christ and even if it's not perfect, what we're doing now does make a difference. I can make a difference in your life and you can make a difference in mine, and it reaches eternity. And let me tell you, it's a daily, sometimes hourly thing to make decisions that are going to affect what I cannot see. God tells us to store up our treasures in heaven, and that doesn't come by anything other than saying, god, I'm laying down my will my way and I'm doing it your way.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, too often we don't see the immediate outcome when we sacrifice for someone else, and this is where we forget that the way that we actually get the advantage of those the benefits, if you will is by touching the kingdom of God. Not only do we do things that benefit God, but we see the reward of that when we get to heaven. And I think too often we are short-sighted. We can't make that kind of investment.

Speaker 3:

I default to trying to arrange something perfect for me here, and now and being in pursuit of me, like we were saying before, we push off what the true purpose is for our marriage.

Speaker 2:

We don't see that God never intended for us to try and fill up our love cup entirely in our marriage. I should not hang all my happiness on you, david, even though you do make me very happy. It's not your responsibility to fulfill all my expectations for a picture-perfect life. That's setting you up for failure. So I want to ask you where have you set your hope? Is it in your spouse? Or maybe you've given up on that and now you've placed it in your career, or your kids, or your home and possessions, your personal pleasure? Even All these pale in comparison to that inheritance that we were talking about, that we have in Christ. So here's two action points as we start to conclude today on Vows to Keep Radio. Number one we can put all of our hope in the gracious salvation that 1 Peter 1.13 talks about, that's going to be coming to us when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. We can set our hope in the right place. You can take action on that today, evaluate where your hope is and shift it over to Christ. And number two we can do what Jesus was talking about in Luke, chapter 12, david, about seeking the kingdom of God above all else and trusting that he's going to give us everything we need.

Speaker 2:

Let's keep reading in that chapter for just a minute in Luke 12. In verse 32, he says so don't be afraid, little flock, for it gives your father great happiness to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to those in need. And in your marriage I can hear him almost saying lay down your life, lay down your preferences for your spouse. Don't worry about providing for yourself. I'm going to take care of you. This will store up for you treasures in heaven.

Speaker 2:

And the purses of heaven, he says, never get old. They don't develop holes. Your treasure is going to be safe. No thief can steal it. No moth can destroy it. Praise God for that. Wherever your treasure is there, the desires of your heart will be also. Jesus goes on to say in verse 35 of Luke 12, be dressed for service. Keep your lamps burning, as though you were waiting for your master to return from the wedding feast. Then you'll be ready to open the door and let him in the moment he arrives and knocks. Speaking and acting in the name of Jesus and through the power of the Holy Spirit will keep you always ready for his return. Those kind of beliefs change the way we act.

Speaker 3:

When we go to be with Jesus, we will see. This place and these relationships were just simply never meant to satisfy the longing that's in each of our hearts for the things of eternity. And in the meantime, while we're here, let's shift our pursuits from wanting God to bless our plans to give to us to turning our life's plans to being about his plans. Not that we would use our marriage selfishly for our own gain, but that we would see it as a tool that God is using to shape us and a mirror reflecting Christ to others.

Speaker 2:

God is not intended for your marriage to really just be a way of passing the time until you see him face to face, until you get that eternal inheritance. There is so much more this week. Remember he's giving you a purpose in your marriage to pursue him first of all, and not your own definition of paradise. God is going to bring you blessing when you do it his way. So set your sights on the realities of heaven and on pursuing God's paradise. Join us next week for part four of the Powerful Pursuit series why your Spouse Should Be your Closest Friend, and find more on our website, vowstokeepcom.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

Host