The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

How to Revitalize Your Marriage :: [Ep. 270]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 270

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How to Revitalize Your Marriage :: [Ep. 270]

In this week's episode we are exploring the concept of powerful pursuit in marriage, moving beyond the roommate mode to intentionally chasing after our spouse's heart with Christ-like love and passion.

We will be hitting the following:

• Breaking out of the "roommate mode" that many couples fall into during challenging seasons
• Shifting from being critical observers to becoming rescuers in our marriage relationship
• Understanding that true pursuit must be motivated by Christ's example of relentless love
• Recognizing that God uses us as tools in our spouse's life to display His pursuit of them
• Identifying where and when our spouse needs us to pursue them most effectively
• Confronting self-focus and fear as primary obstacles to powerful pursuit
• Embracing obstacles as opportunities to demonstrate commitment rather than excuses to give up
 

We hope you will join us and be encouraged and helped in better loving your spouse! 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And, like you, we have made vows to keep. Today we're taking off in a new direction, looking at powerful pursuit. All of us have had a pretty long stretch together at home, sometimes with our kids working from home together on their schoolwork.

Speaker 2:

Under the same roof a lot. It's been an interesting season, definitely at home, sometimes with our kids working from home together on their schoolwork, under the same roof. A lot. It's been an interesting season, definitely. We are. I think in some ways may have shifted a little bit more toward the co-worker that I just say hi to as we're getting ready for work in the morning Like hey, what's your plans for today? And just kind of making sure our schedules line up. But I think we're sort of missing the heart of one another in this.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we get to where we're kind of going through the motions. We're not at odds, but things are a little flat.

Speaker 2:

It's a good way to put it.

Speaker 3:

And this season has been limiting, we can't go on some of the kinds of dates that we would normally go on. And well, I guess I have to point out one time, though, where I was really super inspired, and you will remember this as I tell it to you because I was so excited to be preparing a date night at our house.

Speaker 3:

Now, to pull this date night off, I actually engaged our kids a little bit. I need your help. We're going to be sweeping out the garage, we're going to be cleaning out the car, and I come out and I set our TV on the hood of our car. So I text my wife and I was like listen, you want to go on a date. You remember this?

Speaker 2:

night. Yes, and of course I knew nothing about the garage situation. I thought he was taking me out. So I did. I put on a nice white dress and, I think, this jean jacket, and I had a purse over the shoulder because I was ready to go wherever we were going.

Speaker 3:

I put on my suit coat so I had made dinner, which I think you maybe thought was like for the kids, but it was actually for all of us. And then at the end of it, we walked out and got in the car. We're gonna have a drive-in movie theater in our garage.

Speaker 2:

I felt moved because I knew that it had taken you some time and planning and thought and there was a lot of love that went into that. So even though we didn't go anywhere, I didn't even care about that. All I cared about was that I felt really pursued by you.

Speaker 3:

So this sounds really rosy, doesn't it? Except when I point out this little timeline glitch to our story.

Speaker 2:

It's a little bit of a glitch.

Speaker 3:

That date night was in March, Boy. By about September we were fighting that roommate mode, kind of going through the motions. Yes, the way that I want to set up for an analogy comes from driving to school with my kids. We're following this semi-truck who is literally wandering all over the road.

Speaker 2:

This is just today right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, oh yeah. Couldn't keep the truck in their own lane? Hardly. I am someone who's going the same direction as the semi-truck. We're on the same road, we're doing the same basic things. Webster's Dictionary defines pursuit as the action of following someone. For some of us, we hear that concept of following someone and we think, listen, I have been watching my spouse and, quite frankly, I don't like everything I see. In fact, I'm a little dissatisfied with a few things right now. But too often in our marriage we're someone who's kind of limited our responsibility to someone who is simply an observer. Now contrast this to what I hoped was going to happen, which was there'd be some highway patrolman on the side of the road who would take this all in and be like I'm pulling that person over, sirens blaring. That's what I was hoping was going to happen. How many of us inside our marriages see ourselves as the highway patrolman too, someone who's there to say listen, you are offending me and you need to change.

Speaker 2:

And now, and our sirens are the way that we sigh and the way that we express our dissatisfaction with the way our spouse is behaving. I see you're about to cause a wreck. It's going to hurt me, so I'm pulling you over.

Speaker 3:

The kind of person we're talking about today is more like the ambulance driver. This is someone who also observes where things are going off the rails, where there's disaster about to strike or maybe has struck already, but they are there not to enforce their rules. They're there to rescue. They're there to aid. When there's a disaster, they aggressively go wherever this person has gone, to show them that they're not alone, and not to enable them to do the wrong thing, but to provide aid and to rescue wherever they are.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to flip that just a little bit. We work with a lot of couples who we see in this position, we see making the kind of decision we're gonna talk about this a little bit later on that pursues no matter what, and there's some powerful examples coming up in this broadcast.

Speaker 3:

Pursuing means that we're chasing after. Maybe it's better thought of like hunting. It's having a very specific goal in mind and then being very intent to make sure that you get there. I'm reminded of when I used to race stock cars If there was someone in front of me, no matter what I had to do to get around them for people. I know that work in sales, when they're going to close the big contract, they are focused. What this means is that I am exerting energy as the pursuer in hopes of closing and achieving whatever it is that I desire.

Speaker 2:

And that's exactly what we're going to be talking about in today's broadcast as we go forward in this series Powerful Pursuit. Who are we pursuing? What are we pursuing? How does it happen? What gets in our way? When do we do it? How do we even know it's the right time to pursue? And the most important question, why we have to start with this one, because otherwise all the other ones fall short. There's a why to everything we do, David, even starting with why did we get up today? Why did we get up this morning?

Speaker 3:

For a lot of us it's things like I got to go take the dog for a walk, or I got to take my kids to school, or I need to get up so I can go to my job, and that's really answering with not why, but rather what we're doing.

Speaker 2:

Many days, what gets me out of bed is what I think is going to make me happy. It's a lot of times self-serving, and it's a lot of times not that we're doing the wrong things. We need to go to work that day, we need to go get groceries, but sometimes it's done with the wrong motivation. So if you're answering your why, you get up in the morning with a what? Let that be a red flag that you might need to reconsider your why and it's the same thing when it comes to why should we pursue our spouse?

Speaker 3:

So many of us pursued our spouse because we wanted this amazing woman to marry me. Once I got what I wanted the ring on her finger the I do's were said. So I'm not sure that I really need to pursue them anymore. Or there's those seasons where I really want something. Gosh, I'm going to work really hard to get their approval. I'm going to work really hard to pursue them so that they'll cave. They'll go with what I want them to go with. Others would say sometimes I want to pursue my spouse because I just wish they would pursue me back.

Speaker 2:

I know I've done that. David Pursued you hoping that you would pursue me. Maybe I felt empty in that way and it doesn't always work, but that doesn't mean it stops you from trying.

Speaker 3:

For some, the answer to why actually can't be answered, and so they just don't pursue. In those situations, sadly, too often our why is actually about ourselves rather than our spouse, and soon I run out of ideas, I run out of romance, I run out of reasons to pursue you. I've lost the passion of really understanding what my spouse needs. I've lost the desire and the drive to even meet their needs, to look for how I can be a conduit of God's love in their life. If this is you, stick around. We hope today will be a point of pivot for you. We've got to answer the question of why to pursue, not with a what, but with a who. Tracy Jesus is not only the who we've got to be pursuing but the example of why we should be in pursuit to begin with.

Speaker 2:

This reminds me of a couple that we were meeting with who was having some difficulties with one of their children.

Speaker 3:

The wife had commented on the fact that she had had this thought in the heat of the battle. God, how can I love this kid?

Speaker 2:

We've all thought that.

Speaker 3:

Right. We've been in that position and God spoke so clearly to her heart because I loved you, even when you didn't deserve it In every Vows to Keep radio broadcast. We want to come back to the gospel. That is the hope, that is the only deliverance we have, and in every counseling session with a hurting couple, we review that same truth what did Jesus do for us?

Speaker 2:

And in David and I's everyday life and our everyday marriage, we get off course, just like you do, and when we do, we go back to the cross. We remember where we were when Christ found us. I think it's so powerful to remember and to recognize where we are now because of Christ's sacrifice.

Speaker 3:

We serve a God who pursues us. He exerts the extra effort on our behalf. We can cry out with the psalmist for troubles without number surround me. My sins have overtaken me and I cannot see. There are more than the hairs on my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, Lord. Come quickly, Lord, to help me.

Speaker 2:

David's reading from Psalm, chapter 40, and I can so relate with that guy who needed a rescuer. The psalmist in the same chapter says okay, I cried out to him and he turned to me. He heard me, he lifted me out of the slimy pit. And that's a lot of times where we find ourselves without God. We're in the mud and the mire. He draws us out, he sets our feet on a rock.

Speaker 3:

There is simply nothing that you can do that would prevent God from having a love so deep to pursue you, and there's nothing your spouse can do that should keep you from pursuing them.

Speaker 2:

There's a really powerful example of someone that we know in our lives that recently had some sexual sin that looked like it might split their marriage. And many would think, hey, when that happens, you guys just need to separate. You guys need to maybe be in separate houses, separate beds, for sure. But here's how the one spouse responded to the other Not only do I want you in the house tonight, after this has been brought out to the light, I want you here, I want to hold you while you fall asleep. That is pursuit.

Speaker 3:

That's a love that says no boundaries will prevent my affections for you, and that includes anything that you can do that might try to push me away. Jesus knew our greatest need and he let nothing stand in the way of providing it for us. That is the kind of pursuit that we're talking about today. God uses us in our spouse's life to show them his pursuit of them.

Speaker 2:

David and I can both attest to this.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Maybe me more than you, David.

Speaker 3:

I don't think so.

Speaker 2:

I would not be who I am today without the love that this man gives to me and the service that he does for me, and sometimes the hard conversations that he sits me down and says, hey, we need to address this. I don't even want to think about what I would look like without God's love being poured out, through David, into my life.

Speaker 3:

Ditto baby.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. You've taught me, david, about forgiveness and no, you're not like giving me a sermon. I mean, I've watched you forgive even when it's hard, and I've especially, I think, learned about God's grace and what it looks like, because just two days ago you prayed with me when I was crying from being so overwhelmed. I'm going to cry right now just thinking about it. And just a few weeks ago, he had to dole grace out to me in a really great measure, shall we say, as I was crying in the middle of a lake in a kayak, and he did all of this with such love that I knew it was genuine. God uses us in our spouses' lives. Don't ever downplay that. You are a tool in God's hands.

Speaker 3:

Once you know why you pursue, you'll know what to pursue. Now, in a broadcast about Powerful Pursuit written by two marriage counselors, you'd think the obvious answer would be duh, my spouse right.

Speaker 3:

Right. But here's the thing If I'm in pursuit of my spouse, I want to tell you things can go sideways so quickly and they will. So how about you? What was the last thing that you did for your spouse? Maybe having the best of intentions, but you retrospectively look back and realize it just did not have the effect that you had hoped it would.

Speaker 3:

Because our spouses felt needs are fickle and so are your own. It's not wrong to want to meet their needs, but by pursuing God's blessing in their life and by being that tool in his hand, we provide things that are much more meaningful than just the surface stuff that might be visible in their own eyes. Here's the punchline of what we're saying. The what of pursuing in marriage isn't actually our spouse's happiness, and that sounds crazy. God wants the best for your spouse. He has an even deeper love for your spouse than you possibly can, and when you trust him with that and when you put yourself in a position where you're just being faithful and obedient to him, trust me, it's going to be the absolute best for your spouse.

Speaker 2:

I want you to think of a time right now when someone, maybe even your spouse, was generous to you, and maybe even in a time when you didn't deserve it, because we notice generosity the most when we think we deserve it the least, and that is your job with your spouse to show God's generous heart for them. That is pursuit.

Speaker 3:

Have you ever wondered what does a marriage look like when just one person is doing the pursuing, if you will, of the other?

Speaker 2:

And maybe you know exactly what that looks like, because that's your marriage today.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, Some people are so discouraged to be in that position. But you know what the cool thing is you can stand confident before the Lord, even if that is your position. But imagine what does it look like when both are in the pursuit of the best for the other. Let me tell you, it looks just like God intended marriage to be.

Speaker 2:

So we know we spent quite a few minutes on the why, but that's because it's so important. But there's some other questions we want to answer when it comes to powerful pursuit, and the next one is when? How do we discover when God wants us to pursue our spouse?

Speaker 3:

Husbands, I want to encourage you to learn how to read your spouse to be someone who is the watchman over your family, because to be the shepherd over your household, that means that you need to know where your sheep are, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, and even where the enemy lies in wait, looking on how to take advantage of them. Jesus says this I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep in John, chapter 10.

Speaker 2:

It's interesting to note that sometimes your spouse isn't going to want you to pursue them when they need it the most. You've probably been in the same position yourself, wanting to be in the quote unquote guilt-free freedom of isolation, but it's not a place that delivers what it promises. We encourage you to pursue your spouse anyway, even if it might make them uncomfortable. Even if it might make you uncomfortable, you are shooting for their deepest need. Go for the heart every single time. The next who, what, when, where, how and why question is the where question.

Speaker 3:

Where do you need to pursue them?

Speaker 2:

And, ironically, the best way to find out is to ask.

Speaker 3:

How would your spouse answer that? They might initially say things like gosh, I'd really love it if you'd take me on more dates. That's something we're going to be doing right after we get out of the studio.

Speaker 2:

Yes, we are.

Speaker 3:

Maybe it's checking a few things off the honeydew list or faithfully just tucking in our kids into bed every night. No-transcript. Focus on where you are not pursuing them. And yeah, this may go back to some of those surface needs, right? Oh, he needs his lunch maybe before he goes to work, or she wants the kitchen garbage hauled out without asking. But where their actual need might be things like stepping into parent when your wife is really struggling and overwhelmed with a kid that's giving a lot of flack.

Speaker 2:

They might need physical touch, that sexual pursuit. Husbands need that deeply.

Speaker 3:

Wives need that listening ear where you put down your phone and you engage with your bride in conversation. And I'm talking about a conversation where you ask questions, meaningful questions.

Speaker 2:

Trust me, it is very, very powerful, as is quality time just talking about what is burdening her heart the most, and especially praying through those answers together.

Speaker 3:

Powerful pursuit comes in living and understanding with each other, believing the best about each other, working always toward forgiveness and intentionally loving even at those points where it feels like the most unnatural response.

Speaker 2:

We've got two more questions to answer as we start to wrap up Vows to Keep Radio today, and the next one is so why don't we do these things? We answer that with another. What question? What stops us from pursuing? Do I just naively live in confidence, sometimes with my spouse, that, hey, you're obligated to me biblically to stay married to me, so I really don't need to do anything? That is a really easy default stance to take and I think we are all guilty of that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, because it doesn't require any energy really being expended toward your spouse. But the reality is you are expending energy somewhere. Listen to this it is true that what you pursue consumes you. Let me say that again. What you pursue consumes you. Let me say that again what you pursue does consume you and friends, you're always pursuing something. What you pursue is what gets you out of bed in the morning. It consumes most of your thought life. You're going to begin to see that decisions are made in relation to your desire instead of your circumstance.

Speaker 2:

There's one thing that consumes many of us. It's what motivates our decisions, whether we realize it or not, and it's not easy to hear or to talk about, but it's true. A lot of the time what I'm pursuing is me, and that takes on a lot of different forms. Sometimes it looks like this I'm so tired, I'm so maxed out. Most of the time, if I have even a second to myself, I've earned it, I need it and I don't want to give it away to someone else, especially someone like my husband, sometimes I've determined doesn't deserve a piece of me.

Speaker 2:

The bottom line to that statement is my pursuit is me. I'm concerned with my comfort, my success, dreams, desires, my personal goals, my satisfaction. If you wonder how you can recognize this pitfall in your life, if you're wondering if you're focused on the wrong thing, think about this when I don't have what it takes to pursue the Lord, when I don't have what it takes to pursue the priorities that he's asked of me, that's when my focus is most likely in pursuit of me. If we haven't been pursuing our spouse, how, how can we start to do this once again?

Speaker 3:

First of all, you've got to seek forgiveness. You've got to repent for anything that stands between you and God and anything that stands between you and your wife. Next, you need to give forgiveness, Even if she's not coming to you or he's not coming to you asking for it. Give forgiveness.

Speaker 2:

Because if either of those things are in the way, pursuit will not happen.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it'll be hollow at best and short-lived.

Speaker 2:

Another obstacle, I think, that stands in our way of pursuing David is fear of not having enough resources.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, the power of pursuit requires a lot of resources. To better understand this, let's look at Proverbs 28. It says those who work their land will have an abundant food, but those who chase fantasies will have their fill of poverty. This verse points out that it is our responsibility to till our own land, to tend to our own marriage, and that land, that marriage, will supply our needs when we are attentive to it.

Speaker 2:

And God is going to supply what you need in abundance. That's what we read in Proverbs 28 that David just read, but I think we fear being emptied and having nothing left.

Speaker 3:

And when you've been in powerful pursuit of your spouse and you're actually in that position where you're empty. Honestly, it's one of the most fulfilling times of my life.

Speaker 2:

Because truly you're not empty.

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

God fills you up to pour out again. That's right. That's God's economy right there.

Speaker 3:

Totally is. One of the commonalities involved in every pursuit is that there will be obstacles, and obstacles reveal just how bad you really want something. What's the price that you're willing to pay? How far will we go to show Christ's love? Will we let ourselves be inconvenienced? Obstacles may slow you down. It may force us to examine our motives and hopefully makes us realize that it's worth it to push through.

Speaker 3:

Here's the scary part. When we see our spouse as an obstacle, it's time to ask the question what am I doing, and does it take biblical priority over our spouse? There's always an answer to that, you know, not one that's easy to receive. Obstacles remind us that the things that really matter in life don't change, no matter what barrier is presented. Sometimes we need to run into a wall just to figure that out again. Obstacles should be accepted as part of the marriage journey, but certainly not the end of it. Don't let the brick wall that you just ran into cause you to fall flat for each other. Let it become your point of no return. How we pursue each other in spite of obstacles is what determines whether we're going to become bitter or better, whether we're going to stay one or eventually become two again.

Speaker 2:

In conclusion, today, on Vows to Keep Radio, your spouse can feel unwanted simply because they're not sought after. Jesus has passionately pursued me and you, even though I came with a lifetime of sin. The cross shows his love, and this is what love is. Love is passionate pursuit.

Speaker 3:

it's the extra effort, not just a flailing, occasional chase a man who chases a woman, sees her worth, a man who pursues her worth. And also oh wait, that doesn't read right a man who pursues sees her worth okay.

Speaker 3:

A man who chases a woman sees her worth. A man who pursues her worth oh dang it. A man who chases a woman sees her worth. A man who pursues her worth, oh dang it. A man who pursues sees her worth and also knows his own. A consequence of an emotionally absent husband is a deep desire within his wife to be fought for.

Speaker 2:

I learned that a consequence of a distracted wife, a wife not in pursuit, is a husband with a deep sexual disappointment and desire to be captivating to her like he once was. Tell your spouse today, show your spouse today that you don't have a love based on convenience or ease or a pursuit. That only happens when all the stars align. Tell him that it's your desire to be in powerful pursuit of him, not distracted by the obstacles.

Speaker 3:

Be willing now to be more extreme in your love than ever before, giving God's generous best for your spouse's benefit.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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