Finding Hope in a Troubled Marriage :: [Ep. 269]

Finding Hope in a Troubled Marriage :: [Ep. 269]

This is part 2 of our Irreconcilable Differences series. We pray this episode will offer hope to marriages that seem broken beyond repair. We will explain how God's grace extends to every relationship regardless of how toxic or damaged it may appear. 

In this episode, we will cover the following:
• No marriage is beyond reconciliation when brought to God for help
• Transformation can begin with just one spouse, even if the other isn't on board
• God created marriage with a bigger purpose than just survival
• Six commitments for marriage restoration
• Practical actions to implement in daily life

As always, we hope and pray you are encouraged and helped by what you hear! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Hope for Broken Marriages
• 4:15 Six Questions for Marriages in Crisis
• 12:38 Commit to Believe the Truth
• 16:30 Commit to the Calling
• 22:30 The Jonah Lesson in Marriage
• 23:52 Six Practical Commitments

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast, designed for your marriage.

Speaker 2: 0:27

Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast. Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers here with Vows to Keep Radio. When you feel like your marriage is broken beyond any hope of repair, you might be considering filing for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Things are so toxic between the two of you that you may agree that staying together is not in the best interest for either you or the kids. Even if divorce has been filed, we want you to know today there's hope for your marriage.

Speaker 2: 0:53

Today, on Vows to Keep Radio, we're talking to a unique subset of couples. Number one you could be in a situation that's just getting worse and, even though you're not quite ready to call it quits, you're looking for possible exit strategies. Or number two you and your spouse have already decided it's over, but one of you still believes there may be a small sliver of hope to reconcile. And three, those of you who are listening today, who are walking beside a couple who is in this position. You care deeply about this friend or family member and you're listening with a heavy heart and an open mind. We're so glad you're here today with us on Vows to Keep Radio.

Speaker 3: 1:29

First, we want to say we're glad you're listening and there is hope for every marriage. No person has passed the point of rescuing. No relationship is beyond reconciliation. How do we know there's hope? Because the God, who is willing and able to save our souls, to give us eternal life, is willing and able to save any marriage that comes to him for help. We've worked with so many couples who are making a last-ditch effort to salvage the wreck of a marriage, only to witness a miracle happen. And we get to see miracle after miracle happening, not because of us, not because of us to keep, but because of God. Second, even if it's just one of you who wants to reconcile, it's a place to start. Your spouse doesn't even have to be on board for a change, for the change to start with you. They can be deep in sin, sin that hurts, sin. That's frustrating and, as unobvious as it seems, this is actually a perfect place for God to work. It's the perfect territory for a miracle.

Speaker 3: 2:38

In part one of this two-part broadcast, we talked a lot about Jonah, a prophet in the Old Testament who was asked to go to a people who were very sinful. He was there to proclaim the hope that God was sending him on mission, for there was a savior, a God who wanted a relationship with them. Now, in Jonah's mind, the people in the town of Nineveh were the worst of the worst, well past the point of rescue. And when I read this short two-page book, I see myself in Jonah over and over again. I see so many parallels to our own lives, to our own marriages.

Speaker 3: 3:15

In this first broadcast there were six questions to ask yourself if you're a person considering divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. The first was what do I want? I try to make a great life through my preferences, my opinions, my expectations being met, things playing out in my relationship the way I want them to. And when I don't get those things and I see the disintegration of our relationship, I blame you because you're not giving me what I asked for. This is not what I signed up for. If you'd only play by my rules, this wouldn't be happening. And now I want out. Now I want revenge because I've not gotten what I signed up for.

Speaker 2: 3:57

The second question we asked you to consider is what does my spouse want, and what we mean by that is what does my spouse really need? What they want and what I want are clashing, and that's why our marriage is on the rocks. What if God has you in your spouse's life to help them get what will truly fulfill, to get their heart right before God and to live within that relationship that God wants with them? Think about this If your spouse is still believing that their expectations, opinions and preferences will equal happiness and fulfillment, then you are perfectly positioned to share truth with them, right where you're at Truth. They need to hear life-changing truth, and it starts by showing them Christ's kind of love, which is meeting their greatest needs when they're demanding their wants from you.

Speaker 2: 4:44

The third question we asked was why did God create marriage? You may be wondering how you made such a big mistake by marrying this bozo, but God created marriage. You need to know that and he created your marriage with a bigger purpose than just surviving. God's ultimate goal is to use your spouse in your life to make you more like him, and to use you and your spouse's life to show them God's love for them. Use your spouse in your life to make you more like him and to use you and your spouse's life to show them God's love for them. Knowing there's a purpose for your marriage will give you the fuel to go the long haul.

Speaker 3: 5:14

The fourth question is what have I tried? Am I trying to run away? Am I trying to ignore the problem? Am I trying to create my own identity, working to get other people on my side? Those are all things we try, no matter how many different walls you beat your head against trying to solve this. There is hope, and that comes through asking the fifth question Is there anything that will turn this around.

Speaker 3: 5:38

Jonah was put in a very uncomfortable situation, and it caused him to actually realize that there was something that could turn it around. He wasn't seeing his own sin correctly, like he was on the outside, he was in the position of judgment. He was looking at Nineveh, seeing all of their issues, and it seemed impossible that they could ever repent. He had to have a heart change and therefore a change of purpose. He was finally able to apply the truth that God wanted to deliver to Nineveh, but it happened in his own heart first. It happened in his own life. He realized his belief in God could, in fact, turn everything around, not just for him, but for Nineveh too.

Speaker 3: 6:24

Question number six, the last one we asked, was am I willing to try one more thing, are you? I mean, I think it's a legitimate question. Even if your answer is yes, that's where a new start actually can begin. If you're willing to look at your heart in light of what God's word is saying you need to do, if you're willing to consider his grace and let that redefine every belief you have, including those about your spouse and your marriage, then today, on Valid to Keep Radio, we're going to go through six commitments you can make to take the next steps forward for your marriage.

Speaker 2: 6:58

You're still listening, so that means your heart is beginning to have a seed of hope. You're putting your faith in God's faithfulness, not your spouse's. So hey, let's get started with the first commitment. Number one commit to believe the truth. Here's the thing. Neither you or I get to draw the line on where God's grace stops for our spouse. That thought may at first make you bristle a little bit, but this statement, when you take it to heart, can be one of the most freeing things for your marriage. Let me say it again Neither you or I get to draw the line on where God's grace stops for our spouse. If you understand and truly, if you're humble enough to admit that you need the same grace your spouse needs, that your heart isn't better than theirs because your sins are different, that's when God can do amazing things. We all need the same Savior and he gives the same grace for the asking, no matter what. He doesn't wish that any should perish. He wants all to come to repentance. Why? Because he paid the highest price His own life to be in relationship with us. God never writes us off. Therefore, we should never write off our spouse. That brings us to the second commitment.

Speaker 2: 8:03

Jesus committed to pay the cost for us. Will you commit to pay the cost? It's really not as steep as you might think, because Jesus took the punishment that your spouse deserved and gave him or her, freedom in him in exchange. God commanded Jonah to go and love the people of Nineveh, but Jonah wasn't willing to. I think it's because the cost was too high to his pride.

Speaker 2: 8:27

He had no other reason for getting on a ship and heading in the opposite direction. When he chose to do that, there was a cost to pay that he wasn't considering the very souls and lives of a city of 120 plus thousand lost people. If he didn't go, they were going to implode on themselves in sin. But Jonah's pride and let's just say it like it is self-righteous attitude prevented him from counting the cost for Nineveh. He was only counting the cost to himself. Will you commit to pay the cost of humbling yourself before God for the sake of your spouse and in reaction to what Jesus has done for you? It really is as simple as that, because when you have a humble heart, guess what? You have an obedient life.

Speaker 3: 9:09

And that helps you. Commit to number three, commit to the calling In our pain and our annoyance at our spouse, it's hard to remember that God is actually commanding us to do something. Will you commit to remember and act on what you know God is asking of you? If you're wondering how you could ever remember all the things that God's word is asking of, let me give you a great reminder today. Jesus says go and love. Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. His command to Jonah and to us is maybe some of the hardest things we'll ever say yes to. But when we love God with everything we have, when we give him everything, holding nothing back, loving others is much easier than you might even imagine. God sent Jonah. God has also sent you. He's sending you today and he's going to continue to send you to your spouse every single day for the rest of your married life. God has a message for your spouse and he's chosen you to deliver it. It's a message of love, it's a message of hope. It's a message that says you're not too far gone and neither is our marriage. A message that says I will love you the most when you deserve it the least. If your marriage needs a miracle, go and do what God has asked you to do.

Speaker 3: 10:42

We feel like our lives are made up of all these big moments a marriage, a baby, a house purchase, some career change, a debt that's been paid off, a graduation, a retirement change, a debt that's been paid off, a graduation, a retirement. There's security in looking at life through the big moment lens. It gives us a sense of detachment, that if God isn't moving us in a gigantic direction, we're home free. If we're not packing the boxes and changing banks, we feel like we're off God's radar. He just doesn't live in those little moments. But it's after the boxes are unpacked that actually the real Jonah moments begin. The real Jonah moments happen Tuesday night over leftovers. The real Jonah moments happen when we run from God in our daily, habitual, repeated, situational sin. The real Jonah moments happen when we refuse to forgive for the hundredth time. That's when we start to see Jonah's story as more than a fishtail.

Speaker 2: 11:47

Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though one of my favorite things to do is read a good book. Fiction with a purpose allows you to journey with the characters and come out on the other side changed more into the image of Christ. And that's exactly what I want for you as you read my trilogy Roots Run Deep. These historical romances are fun and fast paced, but I also know that as you turn that last page, your heart will be changed because you'll know more deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to VowsToKeepcom for all the details.

Speaker 1: 12:22

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at VowsToKeepcom. Vows To Keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows To Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3: 12:41

Our Jonah moments are in moving away from God so that we don't have to love our spouse like Christ loved the church. We don't have to lay down our lives for them. It's interesting. For some reason we feel God cares about us more when we see him moving in these gigantic ways, like answering a prayer we've been praying for years. We're getting our cancer test back with good results. We feel more special because maybe he's asked us to go to Bible school. We feel important. He asked us to step up and ministry at our church.

Speaker 3: 13:11

But if that's how we see life, we're not believing the truth about God's love for us. His love is so big it's in the smallest of moments. It's in the littlest of decisions. It's not about those big victories, it's actually the sum of all those little ones. His love is earth-shaking enough for us that he calls us to go to love, to do so in the little moments. His love for us is shown in the gift of his presence and not leaving us alone when we are in the equivalent of the belly of the whale.

Speaker 2: 13:47

God's love for us shows up in the promise that we have from Philippians 2.13. It says God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Talk about a miracle God himself caring enough to give us his compassionate, unfailing, relentless love and mercy, and then taking those pieces of himself and working them in our hearts, shaping us to look more like him. That, my friends, is love. That is reason enough to go, commit to be obedient to God's calling. You know there's a calling Now go and do it.

Speaker 2: 14:19

There's a turning point for Jonah in chapter three in this story of redemption. He seems to get it. He's back on dry land and he willingly goes to this horrible city and gives them God's message. We know from the Bible that they repented. But here's where it gets really interesting. After Jonah tells them the truth and they repent, jonah gets really mad at God. He actually sits outside the city, watches to see what will happen and when God relents in destroying the city, jonah tells God that he wants to die. He is so mad. So, number one yes, jonah had obeyed God, but it's pretty easy to see his heart, isn't it? He told them the message, he did what God said, but inside in his heart he still didn't really want them to be redeemed. He wanted them to pay. This means, number two, that you and I can do all the right things with the wrong heart and those right things can actually still have a pretty good effect on our marriage. But God wants real heart change in Jonah. So he does this little object lesson with Jonah, right there on the hill outside the city. He says in verse 6 of chapter 3, and the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah's head, shading him from the sun.

Speaker 2: 15:30

This eased his discomfort and Jonah was very grateful for the plant Verse 7,. But God also arranged for a worm. The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away. And you can imagine what happened. The sun grew hot and the east wind began to blow. The sun beat down on Jonah's head. He grew faint and he said death is certainly better than living like this.

Speaker 2: 15:50

And then God said to Jonah is it right for you to be angry because the plant died? And Jonah's like yes, even angry enough to die. But the Lord God said you have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend to it, you didn't make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than 120,000 people who cannot tell their right hand from their left? God has given Jonah a blessing, but Jonah sees it as a right. He went halfway and he pouted about it the whole time. What will you do? What will I do? Will we commit? Will we commit to be obedient to God's calling? We've got three more for you here today on Vows to Keep Radio. Will you commit to go 100%, all in for your marriage, even if your spouse has checked out?

Speaker 3: 16:37

There's such a lesson here. Jonah's attitude, his anger and his actions showed he was way more concerned with his own comfort than all of these other people's lives, their eternities. That was at stake. And we do this in our marriages. When it gets difficult, too, you need to know this. In our marriages. When it gets difficult, too, you need to know this in advance.

Speaker 3: 16:54

It's going to be extremely out of your comfort zone to love them the most when they deserve it the least, to go out of your way, to go to the offender and to forgive, to say no to lust and yes to intimacy with your spouse.

Speaker 3: 17:09

It's probably well out of your wheelhouse to be a servant to your spouse, despite how they treat you, to hold your tongue when they lash out at you. And it's in these moments where we actually set aside our own comfort and we choose to serve God, to believe the truth about him and about others and about ourselves. That is when you're going to see God show up with his faithfulness again and again. That is when you're going to see God show up with his faithfulness again and again, when you say yes, god, I will go. I will love when you make choices about how you're going to treat your spouse not based upon what you think is best for you, but based upon, instead, what's going to fall under this umbrella of doing everything in love. You will send up a praise that you will serve a God who is a God of compassion and mercy, who is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness, not just for your spouse, but for you.

Speaker 2: 18:08

God's first words to Jonah were go. When Jonah ran and God got ahold of him and spoke to him a second time, god still had the same message for Nineveh. Verse 1 of chapter 3 says Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you. I love this because God was relentless in his pursuit of these people and he chose a sinful person to do his work. But get this. God asking Jonah to go a second time shows more than just God's love for Nineveh. It shows God's love for Jonah. It says God didn't write him off either. God didn't consider Jonah a lost cause just because he didn't get it right the first time and he would even fail in his second attempt.

Speaker 2: 18:51

Before we get to the last commitment, I want to note that the story of Jonah is only mentioned one place in the New Testament, hundreds of years later, and we can't miss this point. Let me read from Matthew, chapter 12, just a few short verses. It says prove your authority. But Jesus replied only an evil, adulterous generation would demand a miraculous sign. But the only sign I will give them is the sign of the prophet Jonah. For as Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights, so will the Son of man be in the heart of the earth for three days and three nights. There are some great parallels here. Jesus was willing to go to a people who would hate him and kill him in order to save them. Jonah had to be forced to go, jesus willingly went.

Speaker 3: 19:43

The fifth commitment is will you commit to trust God for the outcome? The question is this will you be Jesus or will you be Jonah? Jesus went willingly, knowing full well that he would be ridiculed by the people he was trying to save. Ultimately, he would be their savior. Or will I be like Jonah, running from a cause for someone else's good and I'm so doubtful of the outcome that it's even possible I'm not willing to go? Am I willing to invest in a cause that I may not even possibly want to be involved in Because I know it's going to take so much from me? Am I willing to be involved in a cause that is for the purpose of saving my spouse?

Speaker 3: 20:30

You might be asking where's the justice? What about all of the wrong that my spouse has done to me? Hebrews 6.10 speaks to that very point. It says God is not unjust. He will not forget your work and the love you've shown him, as you've helped his people and continue to help them. And this is where faith really comes in that God is just. God is sovereign. God does see what you're doing and he is the one whose faithfulness I can rely on. No matter how my spouse acts, no matter how my spouse reacts he can take my obedience and do amazing things in my marriage. The treasure may not lie here, though.

Speaker 2: 21:14

And finally, number six will you commit to what comes next? What is that? We want to walk you through a couple of things that you can specifically and practically do to take that next step. Number one say yes to God for the benefit of your spouse. God, I'm going to go where you've called me. I'm going to go a hundred percent, all in, not on the merit of my spouse, but because you asked and you're using me to meet my spouse's greatest need. Number two you're also going to be saying yes to your spouse. You're going to be saying yes to your marriage, for the sake of God, telling your husband or your wife I'm going to go all in for you, 100%, actually having this conversation with them, saying hey, whether you ever reciprocate or not, because I've received God's mercy and grace. I know I don't get to draw the line on where the grace stops for you or for me. God has asked me to go and love you and I'm going to say yes every day to you because God is worthy and you're worth it.

Speaker 2: 22:09

Number three this is really practical. Will you commit to put yourself under the teaching of God's word? Will you go to a Bible teaching church every week? Will you read scripture? Will you join a Bible study? Will you listen to sermons? Will you drink up God's word so you can be equipped to love your spouse with God's mercy and grace? So the next time they sin against you and they probably will even today or tomorrow you'll know what to do with the temptation to either throw their sin back in their face or run the other way.

Speaker 3: 22:36

You'll know what to do with the temptation to either throw their sin back in their face or run the other way. Will you commit to spend time with God every single day, pray, let him know your greatest weakness, your greatest needs and remind yourself of the gospel of Jesus. Ask him to help you to live that out, to live out the command to go and love? Will you commit to find a godly mentor, someone who will disciple you with truth from God's word, someone who would keep you accountable in the areas that you know you're weak? If possible, find a godly counselor. Attend counseling together as a couple. Will you grant forgiveness?

Speaker 3: 23:12

This is our heart's cry daily, from Nehemiah 13. It should be this Remember me, o my God, concerning this also, and spare me according to the greatness of thy mercy. Will you ask your spouse for forgiveness? Get specific, be willing to ask for it again and again whenever the need arises and then, every day, commit to say yes again, yes to your spouse, yes to God, walking in hope that today, obedience to God's word will produce the fruit you're looking for. Make these commitments before the Lord. Commit to stay in your marriage. Commit to ask God to help you every single step of the way.

Speaker 2: 23:58

We're so glad we got this time with you today. Join us next week for another broadcast of Vows to Keep Radio to equip you to have a biblically healthy marriage.

Speaker 1: 24:11

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.