The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

How Our Selfish Demands Sabotage Our Marriage :: [Ep. 267]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 267

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How Our Selfish Demands Sabotage Our Marriage :: [Ep. 267]

We are exploring the happy wife, happy life concept in marriage on this week's episode! We are talking about how demanding our way in marriage creates a prison of pride that damages relationships and rejects God's design for mutual service.

We will touch on the following:

• Pride makes us label things as "mine" and expect others to maintain our standards
• Phrases like "happy wife, happy life" enable selfish demands rather than godly love
• God warns of consequences but often allows us to experience what we demand
• Humility is the antidote - shifting from "meet my needs" to "how can I serve?"
• Understanding your spouse's heart helps prevent the demand cycle
• Consistently affirming and serving creates an environment where demands become unnecessary

Come listen today and be encouraged in building a biblically healthy marriage!! 


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 2:

David, I remember the day that I was on a rampage. You know the kind where you've got a goal in mind and you're looking for anyone within earshot to help you accomplish it. Maybe you felt this way in the garage I have but for me it was the house. The toys in the living room made it hard for me to remember what color the rug was, and I knew, somewhere underneath the coats in the living room, made it hard for me to remember what color the rug was. And I knew, somewhere underneath the coats and the backpacks and the blankets, that we did indeed own a couch. I just couldn't find it amidst all this stuff. Okay, now, here we are. Today, our kids don't have toys anymore. But how about my kitchen counter? This morning, I took note and I want to tell you guys what it contained. And this, this is no editing, okay.

Speaker 3:

It's a heaping mess.

Speaker 2:

I wrote this down An egg carton, an empty plastic bag, two notebooks oops, another egg carton seven chargers, a purple sticky note, my kids' pay stubs and college acceptance letters. A box of Kleenex, an inhaler that expired three years ago, a checkbook, a flyer for a lawnmower we can't afford a an inhaler that expired three years ago. A checkbook, a flyer for a lawnmower we can't afford. A flash drive containing who knows what. A bill, a receipt, a thank you card from four months ago, tax documents from last year and an earmuff yes, just one.

Speaker 2:

Well, that's a long list, but I'd like to back up to what I said right before. I told you about all that stuff. I said my kitchen counter. Ah, the key phrase to the heart of why all this stuff bothers me, the same reason I make everybody hop to it and pick up their mess in my living room. I think of it as mine and everyone else better help me get my stuff the way I want it. If you're feeling the ouch right now, like I am in your heart, that's okay.

Speaker 2:

We're going to dig into this today because we've all been in a room with a mom who's huffed and puffed because the house was a mess and she wasn't going to be calm until everyone did their fair share of the load. The afternoon gets spent cleaning the house. Have you ever had a Saturday like that? And magically, it seems, after the house is perfect, she goes from being this woman with wild eyes to being a put together mama, sitting in her clean living room sipping her latte and asking her five-year-old if he'd like her to read him a story. Now that's the same five-year-old who just got reamed out for not having his room up to his mom's specifications.

Speaker 3:

So from crazy to picture perfect is what you're saying.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

Guys aren't immune from this my way, or the highway demanding approach, either. Yes, guys aren't immune from this my way, or the highway demanding approach, either. Take my garage, for example. There are basically three rules that rule my garage.

Speaker 2:

I didn't know this.

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, okay, Number one, you do know this. Actually, only car stuff is allowed in the garage.

Speaker 2:

Okay, yes, I did know that rule.

Speaker 3:

No bikes, no storage tubs from the house, nothing. Rule number two a massive mess around, three projects that aren't finished just shows a man who's working. We clean twice a year. Rule number three keep the doors closed to keep out the cat and the chickens lest they die. Maybe it'll be from the antifreeze or maybe it'll be from the annoyed dad who's chasing them out of the garage.

Speaker 3:

My space can look like this because it is so. Mine and, as you're pointing out, tracy, that is so wrong. Now I have some opposite ideals when it comes to cleanliness, but isn't it interesting that we can both so easily justify our causes, our attitudes and our selfishness? We make it painfully clear what is important to me, it's our put out attitudes and the rules we make, all the things that we do that make the message super clear. This matters most to me. Some men are listening, thinking hey, listen, if a cluttered house is making her upset, fine, I'll wrangle the kids, we'll pick up the house just to get this over with. It's not worth her wrath. We've seen the evidence. We're afraid of it. We know our wife's reaction when she doesn't get what she wants. Listen, fella. Only a fool doesn't learn from his mistakes. Happy wife, happy life right, but it doesn't stop there. How many married couples do you know who can't have a conversation about something as routine as dinner? Let me give you an example. We were at the clothes store recently.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, a couple of days ago, and we were looking for jeans and right behind us in the next section, this lady was trying to sell her husband on a hat that he didn't want and their voices started to raise and this rant lasted between this elderly couple for like three or four minutes. This so clearly was routine to them. It was like they didn't even know they were in a public space or that their conversation was inappropriate towards one another.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, they were hacking and digging at each other. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you've gone down the road of expressing your opinion about where you want to go to dinner and your spouse comes back with a retort and complaints about how terrible the food is at that place. If they're not getting their option, first and foremost, fine, we say fine, just let her have it her way. It's easier than dealing with the stupid static. Sure, happy wife, happy life. There is too many of us Christian men literally thinking that we are glorifying God with our attitudes of giving in when the world sees this moving marriage train wreck.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's funny you should say that, David, because I heard that phrase used the other day. I was watching a couple hunt for a house on TV and he really wanted to stay within a certain budget. But the wife was dead set on having particular features to the house. You know, it had to have granite countertops and a huge master suite, and she was insisting on these things. He just shrugged his shoulders and repeated happy wife, happy life, and went $100,000 over budget. Now she was thrilled. He was just thrilled to not receive the repercussions of what would have happened if he denied her dreams and stayed within their budget.

Speaker 2:

We can always justify why we think we should get what we want. We don't always see its true cost. Now, in that situation, she just signed her husband up for an additional maybe three to six years of work so she could have those additional amenities. When I tell everyone in my house to drop what they're doing to get my house up to my standards, what's invisible in that moment but shows up later on is the high cost to them. It's the long-term invisible eggshells that I make everybody else walk on.

Speaker 2:

I've been known to show my wrath to my family if I don't get what I want. How about you? What do you want and how do you show your family you're not happy with the results? If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. It's a similar phrase that's really handy to throw around when I want someone to give into my demands, and if you start looking for it, there's a lot of support for this mindset. I've heard it said mama has to make her own happiness a number one priority and, mama, your family needs for you to be happy, and you're the only one that can make that happen.

Speaker 3:

This lie is not just for women. Men, what are you demanding? Either with your words or your attitude, or your obstinate silence.

Speaker 2:

Your family's happiness, your husband's happiness, your wife's happiness? Do you really want it to be based on yours? Where should their happiness come from? What should their life look like? Should it be catering to your every need until you are happy? I think we automatically say no to that, but that's how we live. Sometimes I think we should want more for them than that. Shouldn't our goal be to show them that their ultimate fulfillment can be found right now, in Christ, not serving our every need, and then reaching that point, when we aren't around, that they can finally just breathe and just serve God the way he's called them to?

Speaker 3:

The problem isn't that our house actually needs to be left in disarray. That's not what we're trying to say here.

Speaker 2:

We don't realize it sometimes, but we're building our lives one complaint, one demand at a time. What we're looking for is a life that will serve us. It's a life based on pride, and that might be hard to hear, but that's the reason why we women laugh and we nod at these t-shirts or pillows or signs with these phrases on them, because we know we'll be served if our family buys into these concepts hook, line and sinker and really all it takes is a few, just a handful of times where we make them pay in one way or another for them not giving us what we want. And now you've got them trained to kowtow to the life of pride and self-service that you built for yourself.

Speaker 3:

It's totally possible that you might not even recognize that this is what you're doing to your husband, or to your wife or to your kids.

Speaker 2:

Let me reassure you you're not alone in this misguided perception. We're going to turn right now to a great chapter in God's word 1 Samuel, chapter 8. The Israelites had the best king ever, god, god himself. God chose people to serve as prophets and judges and priests under him, and Samuel was this intermediary and he was often God's mouthpiece to the Israelites. In 1 Samuel 8, the people saw hey, samuel's getting old, he's about to die, and his sons? They're not really doing a great job. Maybe as followers of Samuel, they're not going to be good leaders. So they gathered together and they came up with an even better plan, something they thought would be their ticket to success.

Speaker 2:

So we're going to dig into this passage a little bit, starting in verse 5. They said to Samuel now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have. But when they said, give us a king to lead us, this displeased Samuel. So he prayed to the Lord and the Lord told him listen to. All the people are saying to you. It's not you they've rejected, but they've rejected me as their king, as they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods. So they are doing to you. Now listen to them. But here's the kicker. He says warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights.

Speaker 3:

Verse 10 continues. Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking him for a king. He said this is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights. He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses and they will run in front of his chariots Some he will assign to be commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and others to plow his field and reap his harvest, and still others to make weapons of war and equip for his chariots. He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his attendants. He will take a tenth of your grain and your vintage and give it to his officials and attendants, your male and female servants. And the best of your cattle and donkeys he will take for his own use. He will take a tenth of your flocks and you yourselves will become his slaves, and when that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you've chosen.

Speaker 2:

Samuel was worried because he could see the consequences that the people could not the Israelites and their demands. They traded God as their king for this smug named King Saul, and it wasn't going to go the way they thought it would at all, and demanding my way looks like it's going to make me happy in the end. Demanding that everyone else serves me, though, turns out to be a terrible taskmaster. We end up becoming slaves of an idol that will never deliver, and here's the thing we also make our family slaves of it too. Instead of saying yes, god, your way, I want to keep you as my king.

Speaker 3:

Even though they thought this was going to make them happy, god loved them enough to warn them. And even with that warning, let's read the end of this passage to see what the people decided to do. It says in verse 19 of 1 Samuel, chapter 8,. But the people refused to listen to Samuel. No, they said we want a king over us. Then we'll be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and to fight our battles. That's what they were looking for.

Speaker 3:

Holy cow, how could the maker of the world warn you, only to have you ignore it? Well, here's how it's pride. If pride has been that driving force behind our actions, the obvious antidote is humility Not letting your family's happiness be based upon yours. Think about this when we demand our ideals. Most of the time, we force God's hand in a fight for what's most important in our life, and God's way will win every time, but he often allows us to go through the short-term pain of the choice we've made. King Saul was the ideal that the Israelites sought after. The end result wasn't that God was going to deliver some crushing blow, but rather, in his wisdom, he let them have exactly what they desired in order for them to see it as costly and eternally insufficient. In God's love, he allows this picture-perfect thing we aspire for to be completely unfulfilling, while at the same time helping our family to see that serving someone else's idol will simply burn you and them out.

Speaker 2:

Not putting those you love in your confining little box of self-promotion is going to free them. It's going to be great. Allow your kids to see that life is bigger than you. Allow your husband the freedom to lead you. Allow his gifts to be fulfilling to you, not receiving because you've demanded them, but allowing him to be a conduit of God's love for you. When we live in humility, saying God your way is best and serving you as my life's goal, not serving me, our kids are going to start to see a new picture. They are watching and they are learning from what you're doing. If your life is about you, they're reflecting your example, that they're the most important person in the room and their job is to let everyone else know hey, the world revolves around me.

Speaker 3:

The Israelites in 1 Samuel felt they had a right to a king. Their leader was dying and every nation around them has got this awesome ruler. And in my mind's eye I can see them kind of stamping their foot like a spoiled child a spoiled, forgetful child. Because just in the previous chapter we see God doing what a good king would do he was rescuing them, he was forgiving them, he was disciplining them, he was calling them back to himself, even when these people were evil. Like little kids, we quickly transfer from being grateful to demanding. Our preferences went out and we forget what God has done for us. Our forgetfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ somehow translates into free reign, to forcing our own way.

Speaker 2:

It's like throwing a fit. If you will, If you're ready for your home and marriage to start looking different, if you're ready to see the tables turn and flip things right way up, the way God intended them to be. It actually doesn't start with your words and those demands that come out of your mouth. It starts with your heart. We've talked about that a little bit with this pride, humility thing.

Speaker 2:

When we lay down our rights, what we think is ours and what we think is going to make us happy and shift to a different attitude, one of thankfulness, like David was just talking about, we stop saying meet my needs and we start saying in our heart God, I trust you to take care of me. I stopped coercing my family into serving me and I ask instead hey, how can I help you today? What do you need? How can I serve you? How can I love you? Letting Jesus be my example, letting the power of the Holy Spirit work in my heart to change me, to be more Christ-like, releases my family from the prison of happy wife, happy life to the freedom of serving Christ by serving one another.

Speaker 3:

Now, husbands, I've got a very healthy charge for you as well, because there's a lot of wives that are right now struggling with what Tracy's just said. You want me to put down my demands. Well, let me tell you, husbands, we can make this attitude of demand and entitlement really easy for our wife to adopt when we neglect God's command to pour into her. The irony of our message today is this A wife taking the attitude of mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy or happy wife, happy life. That's not something that's biblically supportable, but your role as a husband is to love your wife, which means you need to know her needs, you need to understand her wants and you need to make them your second priority after your relationship with God. When you miss this calling that God has for us as husbands, we typically take one of two roads. The first road is we fail to lead with generous love, and in today's culture, what we do is enable, I'd say even force our wives into the leadership role.

Speaker 2:

Today's woman power world, if I can put it that way, embraces that new norm and doesn't embrace God.

Speaker 3:

And too many Christian men make our wives our excuse for not saying, oh, they would not follow. But there's a second road that we can choose. We can read the Bible and we can find that we men hold the antidote for this condition. Stewardship is the principle that I want you to think about today the job of taking care of, even if who you're taking care of doesn't appreciate it, doesn't reciprocate it. You are called to steward God's love for her through you. Let me say that again you are called to steward God's love for her through you. If you're still not quite sure what I mean, let me share with you another biblical story about a wife.

Speaker 3:

For context, we're going to be reading from the book of Isaiah. This book is inspired by God, written to his people. It's written to Israel. He, in several places, makes references to himself, god, being the groom, and his people, israel, being that bride. So with that context, I want to read to you Isaiah 65.

Speaker 3:

The Lord says I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me. I was found by those who did not seek me, to a nation that did not call upon my name. I said here am I, here am I. All day long I've held out my hands to an obstinate people who walk in ways that are not good, pursuing their own imaginations, a people who continually provoke me to my very imaginations, of people who continually provoke me to my very face. Some of you listening today, you know exactly how this feels, because your spouse has been demanding. They're not seeking godliness, they're pursuing their own imagination. And God is saying to this obstinate people listen, I am here, I am pursuing you Now as a husband. You might be able to relate, but according to Ephesians 5.25, we're commanded to love our wives, and this doesn't mean that we're just reactive when they're upset in order to make them happy. This gets kind of confusing for some guys, especially when giving her her preference won't result in what's most God-honoring. God's love is big picture, it's all-encompassing. We choose the losing side of a contest every time when we knowingly pander to the demands which will have short-term payoffs in our home. At best Is she running around the house on a rampage because it's a mess? Well, loving her means pulling her aside, admonishing her, helping her to see what are the principles that should be ruling your house. It means showing her how to repent and get right before God and potentially to the rest of the family if her agenda has been her. And then it means and don't miss this, guys and then it means taking on her causes, not from a position of fear, but from a position of passionate service.

Speaker 3:

The primary problem in marriage isn't this overwhelming leadership on the part of women, it's in the lack of leadership in the men. Guys, we've got to stop trying to force our wife to be the leader because you lack initiative or you lack self-discipline. God has given you a charge and the ability to follow it through, and there's consequences when you don't Hear me. Your wife wants you to take the lead. She's looking for a man who is strong enough to follow God's word about the most important things. She's looking for a man who's aware enough of his family's purpose to set a direction for that family and keep everyone moving forward.

Speaker 3:

There are some very practical ways that a husband can do just that. Proverbs 20, verse 5, says the purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. Asking your wife those intentional questions is a way that you can learn about the state of her soul. Questions like how are you encouraged in your faith and life right now. How are you discouraged in those things? How can I pray for you? Second, obviously, is about serving your wife. We've been talking about that. What can I do today to make your life easier? Maybe it's things like doing the laundry or washing the dishes or taking the kids to school. Jesus gives this example in Mark 10, verse 45, when he says hey, I didn't come to be served, but to serve.

Speaker 3:

Next, make time for your wife and your marriage. If you don't make time for your marriage, you're not going to have time for your marriage. Life is busy and we must be very intentional about prioritizing the health of our marriage. That means there needs to be some regular cadence to things. I would encourage you to make sure that every day, you take time to pray with your wife and your children. I would encourage you to try to get away on a date every week or every other week to go on some sort of quarterly escape with each other, an overnighter, and just make sure that you have regular touch points with your wife. Next, I think we've got to be really good at what the Apostle Peter tells us, as husbands, to do, to live with our wives in an understanding way, and one of the ways that we can do this is by studying them, knowing their heart. As well as we know anything about our favorite sports teams or our job or industry, we need to understand what our wife likes, what she dislikes, what her dreams are. If you don't know these things, it's time for an intentional conversation, and this isn't something that stays the same. Listen more than you talk in those kinds of conversations and do it often and in closing.

Speaker 3:

Proverbs 5, 19 is just one of my favorite verses on marriage. It says be intoxicated always in her love. The point is that a man is to be crazy in love with his wife. How do you keep your wife out of the demand cycle? We'll remind her often why you're in love with her. Write her a card. Put it on a sticky note on the mirror in the bathroom. Make sure you affirm her before others. Esteem her in the presence of anyone that you are around. Surprise her with acts of kindness. Don't make her come to you begging for them. Take the kids. Send her out with some friends for the night. Encourage her with how you see god at work in her life and periodically take her on a date, slowly and specifically telling her how you see her growing in her faith.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. Like what you heard today on Vows to Keep Radio, listen to more life-changing broadcasts at VowsToKeepcom. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

Host