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The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast
Need help in your marriage?! We've got you covered! The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast will help you grow closer to your spouse and closer to God's design for your marriage. No marriage is too far gone to save or too healthy to not need a check up. Let's get started by building a Biblically healthy marriage!
The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast
Rethinking Irreconcilable Differences :: [Ep. 268]
Rethinking Irreconcilable Differences :: [Ep. 268]
Have you reached a point where you think your marriage is beyond repair? Well, we are so glad you are here because in this episode we tackle the critical crossroads many couples face when considering divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" and offer (encouraging!) biblical wisdom for those feeling their marriage is beyond repair!
In this episode, we are covering the following:
• How couples develop a "my way or the highway" dynamic through unspoken rules and expectations
• Using the biblical story of Jonah to understand God's perspective on seemingly hopeless situations
• Six crucial questions to ask before considering divorce
• Understanding that God's grace covers both your sins and your spouse's sins
• How to correct incorrect thinking
• Recognizing that many marriages that seem beyond repair can be restored through God's intervention!
Listen today! Join us again next week as we talk more about Irreconcilable Differences where we'll explore six commitments to help save your marriage.
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.
Speaker 2:We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3:Last week the phone rang. The voice on the other side was clearly defeated, done over it, but in the tone of her voice, in a way, she was also asking how could she be sure it's over?
Speaker 2:She made statements like we don't work together. We're indifferent verbally, but stone cold emotions sit underneath everything.
Speaker 3:So we asked is there any physical abuse?
Speaker 2:No, my spouse just doesn't do their part, and it takes two. I'm not even sure my spouse is a Christian. In fact, I see a lot of signs that tell me that they're not. I'm wasting my life, and for what? I can't fix this alone. We've grown apart. Nothing more can be done. She ended by saying neither of us wants a huge fight. We don't want to drag this out into a court battle, we just want to get this over with.
Speaker 3:Have you shifted from tired of it all to looking at the legal options before you? The words irreconcilable differences are now floating around your head. Maybe you've even done a search on the internet and you're finding this is the magical term for the fastest, most pain-free divorce. If you're in a marriage that's feeling like it's beyond repair, then the next 25 minutes is for you.
Speaker 2:The feelings of wanting out of a marriage that isn't working can be so strong. Every day feels like a challenge, A fresh start without this person that I used to love sounds like heaven. You've been thinking things like this. This isn't what I signed up for. The litany of wrongs is so long I don't even know where to start, and it's been forever since we agreed on anything. Whether you fight about the same thing all the time or you just fight about everything, walking away from the marriage seems to be the next step. You're just two different people. Now Maybe it's time to cut our losses and wipe the slate clean once and for all.
Speaker 3:Tracy and I have been meeting with couples for almost 20 years and I want to tell you about a couple we met with about 10 years ago. I'm going to change their names to Jennifer and Matt. No, there wasn't an affair, there wasn't abuse, but they just could not get on the same page. So they're sitting in our living room. We're two people digging their heels in and saying it's my way or the highway.
Speaker 2:I know what's best for me, I know what's best in how to parent, I know how to best manage our money, and the problem is you won't do what is best. I heard her say we've tried other things and this is what I know works out best for everyone in the end.
Speaker 3:The problem with both of their mantras whether it was spoken out loud or just lived out loud is that it turns into a culture inside your house. I've made the laws that will be beneficial for everyone else to follow. I've formed these rules, so to speak, and now it's time for you to follow them. And at first, when people get married, you know what your spouse tends to do, just that follow the rules. But then things slowly dwindle. It gets to a state of staleness, of tolerance.
Speaker 2:One of my rules or laws that I entered into marriage with was that my house should look just so and David should help me reach that goal, whether it be in purchasing new things or keeping it spic and span. And when he denies me this expectation, there's now a difference between us. You know that feeling when something is between you, the feelings of love just aren't there and we get weary of conjuring up those emotions that were the basis of why we got married in the first place. And now you're saying things like my spouse shows no respect. It's not even a conversation anymore.
Speaker 2:Over time these differences build up. It's the finances, the overpacked schedule, and when we take stock we see there's not just one thing between us causing friction, there's about a hundred. And suddenly our spouse is not someone we're doing life with, someone we're loving till death. Do us part for better or for worse. We see the worst they've caused us and that makes them the enemy. They're on the complete opposite side of the line, with all the yuck of the wrongs we've done to each other over the years laying between us, and we can't even imagine trying to hurdle the pile to reach them. We wouldn't even have the energy, even if we wanted to. And trust me, you say I don't want to.
Speaker 3:For Matt and Jennifer, like most couples, the lopsided view depends on whose lens you're looking at the problems through.
Speaker 2:And Matt and Jennifer aren't alone. According to the Office for National Statistics, the most common reason cited for divorce is unreasonable behavior. Irreconcilable differences is a no-fault reason for divorce in the US. This is the world's way of saying. Things can't be fixed, but no one's going to jail for doing something illegal. Everything is wrong, but nothing legally is wrong. It's a way to cite something innocuous to get a divorce moving along. It's a disillusion. This contract is over. We forget. God asked us to make this a covenant. Our eyes are on the temporary, the assets, the living situation, the kids, how quickly we can get out of this and how much we can walk away with. We want to be quote unquote fair to each other. We just don't want to be with each other.
Speaker 3:So, after our first or second meeting, the my way or the highway crossroads became very clear. Jennifer and Matt chose the highway, and they cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for their divorce. Now, now they both acknowledged what God was asking them to do. They chose, however, to ignore it, and they knew it. They separated the dishes, the cars, they sold their house, they agreed to split time with their kids, they tore their lives in half. They even moved on to new normals, new relationships and then, eventually, new marriages. The statistics show us that a new spouse doesn't change the outcome. 10 years later, we see the same crossroads on the horizon for them today again.
Speaker 2:As their new marriages move down the road. Do you think those new couples are agreeing on everything? Do you think David and I agree on everything after 20 plus years of marriage? No, of course not. Why? Because we all enter into marriage, whether it's our first or second or third, with a strong set of expectations, personal preferences, opinions and let me just call them what they are rules.
Speaker 3:So where does that leave you today? Reliving in your head and your heart your spouse's unreasonable behavior, maybe looking up divorce attorneys.
Speaker 2:No, we hope to encourage you to avoid that course With this broadcast today, these six questions to ask yourself if you're considering divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. In the next two broadcasts, we're going to be looking at the story of a man who resembles you and I in so many ways, and how God chose to use him, love him, teach him, despite his failings. We're going to talk about the story of Jonah, but maybe in a different way than you've ever heard before.
Speaker 3:The story of Jonah isn't about a guy who gets swallowed by a great big fish. The story of Jonah shows the heart of God and God's ability to save anybody, any relationship. Now, before we dive into how this applies to marriage, and especially one that's on the edge of a cold break, let me set the stage. In chapter one of this four-chapter book, God calls Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh and preach a message of repentance to them. Jonah doesn't waste any time in doing his best to escape this directive from God. The first thing he does is buy a one-way ticket to a faraway land in the exact opposite direction.
Speaker 2:God sends this great storm and begins to threaten to break up the ship he's on. It doesn't take long and the men aboard the ship begin to wonder if there's someone on board who's causing this. Jonah tells them it's him and hey, just toss me overboard. A big fish, presumably a whale, swallows Jonah at God's command, and in chapter 2, jonah spends a miserable three days and three nights in the belly of this fish. While he's there, he's got a bit of a heart change, and that's where we're going to spend the majority of our time as we talk about this story.
Speaker 3:So he said there'd be six questions. The first of those six questions is to ask yourself this what do I want? If you're considering divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences, what do I want? We're not asking if you want the peace that's missing or the absence of strife. The question isn't what you're wanting right now, in the midst of all the pain and agony you feel. But what were you going after when your relationship seemed to be doing okay? Was it a rockstar wife or a rockstar husband? A picture-perfect marriage.
Speaker 2:I think that's what a lot of us want. I set a personal agenda to try and make my picture of romance and the perfect life a reality. I think we all do the kind that makes me feel good. That matches the expectations I had when I came into this relationship. But the death of a relationship is a slow one that begins way before we even meet our spouse. The bricks of this wall between us get put into place one by one, little by little. Things we aren't willing to compromise on, Issues we dig our heels in for.
Speaker 3:It's in the selfishness that we show when we're dating, like in what I wouldn't eat, when we're at a friend's house or talking over the top of someone else just to be heard. But it goes on to the bigger decisions after we're married, things like how we raise our kids, what we do to protect the me time. At the end of the day, even though it comes at a high cost to our relationship, long-term, I try to make a great life through my preferences, my opinions, my expectations all being played out in my marriage. And when I don't get those things and I see the disintegration of our relationship, I blame you because you're not giving me what I asked for, you're not playing by my rules, and if you were, none of this would be happening.
Speaker 2:Because of that, I want revenge. I want to pay you back for the hurt you've caused me, because it is inexcusable. You don't deserve anything I could give you, because you're not worthy. If I give, you're only going to take. The thing is, what's happening at the same time I feel this way is that my spouse is feeling the exact same way too. They came into this marriage with their own set of preferences, opinions and expectations, and when we're at odds, they think it's because I'm not giving them what they want. And if only I would, we wouldn't be having these issues. Now that we're this far in, I want peace. I want it to be fun and easy again, and I don't see that ever happening with this person. I want out.
Speaker 3:Jonah was like us. He was ruled by his desires too. Jonah was a prophet. God would give him a message to deliver, and he was the mouthpiece. Well, it turns out, jonah had his limits too. When he bought the ticket for the boat ride away from Nineveh, jonah's desires could not have been more clear. Really, god, haven't you seen what they're like? Do you think I'm crazy? What they did in that evil city would make you sick to your stomach. Talk about being too far gone. In Jonah's opinion, they were beyond repair. It was best just to write them off as a lost cause. Give me a new assignment, god.
Speaker 1:Jonah wasn't signing up for this kind of discomfort If you have a marriage question, Jonah wasn't signing up for this kind of discomfort.
Speaker 2:I think it's good to assess what we were after, but it's also good to look at this next question what does your spouse want? Consider Nineveh for just a minute. They had a culture of sin. Death, murder, destruction of life was their MO. They didn't want to be in the light. Their darkness was way too comfortable, like your spouse.
Speaker 3:what Nineveh was in pursuit of shows the actual need in their heart. What if God has you in your spouse's life to help them understand their real need, to help them get what will truly fulfill If they're still believing, their expectations and opinions and preferences will ultimately result in their happiness. Maybe you're the person positioned perfectly, like Jonah, to share truth, but it doesn't come from you getting your way, like Jonah initially tried.
Speaker 2:I totally agree. It comes from sharing God's truth with them that God will ultimately satisfy. Let's jump into number three here. This is the third question you need to ask yourself. If you're considering divorce because of irreconcilable differences, why did God create marriage? Have you ever asked yourself that when we're in the middle of being sick of going around the same mountain again and again, we often ask ourselves how was I stupid enough to make this decision in the first place? I should have known better. I've tried to make it work and form this relationship to look like I thought a good marriage should look like. I modeled it after an example I saw growing up, or I made it look so completely opposite of the example. I saw that it was certain not to fail, yet it did.
Speaker 3:And here comes our moment of understanding, opening our eyes to God's plan for marriage. Just like Jonah's eyes were open In the dark moments in the belly of this fish, he finally gets it. He understood God, which meant he knew what to do next. God loved Nineveh and he wanted to use Jonah to show that God created marriage and he created your marriage with a bigger purpose than just surviving. His ultimate goal is to use your spouse in your life to make you more like him and to use you in your spouse's life to show them God's love for them.
Speaker 2:The fourth question out of the sixth is what have I tried? As you think about that, I want you to think about what Jonah tried, and what did it get him in the end. Number one he tried to see things from his own perspective, and that caused him to run away. We do that too. Jonah ignored Nineveh's needs and thought of his own, and that gets him into a pickle with God. And number two when he jumps on a ship headed in the opposite direction, he shares his trouble with his shipmates. We do that too. We get people involved sometimes to get someone to agree that we're doing the right thing given the circumstances.
Speaker 3:Sometimes we think all we're missing is some good advice, and here's one I heard the other day 10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion, 90% is due to delivery and tone of voice. Sounds reasonable at first, but you know what Our experience is that conflict within marriage has very little to do with the words. It's mostly me demanding my way or threatening the highway. It's core issues in marriage that we fight about, and when you are in pursuit of godliness, guess what God's got your back you don't have to be the one fighting for yourself. It's so important we pay close attention where we go for advice.
Speaker 2:The fifth question that you need to ask yourself is is there anything that will turn this around? God got Jonah's attention by putting him in an uncomfortable situation.
Speaker 3:When we don't listen, god will do something to get our attention. He'll sometimes allow a big blue whale to swallow us whole. Our selfishness, our self-righteousness, our love for things in this world, our pride it will all consume us with darkness.
Speaker 2:We find ourselves in a stinking pit and now we can't wait to get out of what we thought was going to be easy, when in fact it's been alarmingly hard. Jonah 1.17 actually says the Lord, god, arranged for a great fish to swallow Jonah. Could it be that God is putting you in this uncomfortable situation with your spouse to get your attention, to open your eyes? In Hebrews, chapter 12, god says he disciplines those he loves so that we can share in his holiness. He loves us enough to squeeze till it hurts.
Speaker 3:God kept Jonah in that fish for as long as it took. From the way chapter two is written, we see it took Jonah a little while to get it. It wasn't an immediate turnaround Three long days and nights. And finally he asks for help. Finally, jonah gets to the point in that darkness where he is crying out to God. First he acknowledges that God is his Lord. In chapter 2, verse 2, he says I remembered you, lord. He's saying God, you're in charge. I now understand your way is best. Next, he's basically saying God is sovereign, he's in charge. He can do anything he wants. He was powerful enough to put me in my place. He's powerful enough to get me out of it.
Speaker 2:Then, in verses like Jonah 2, 6 through 9, he concedes that he needs God. He needs God. Nothing besides God can save his own soul. It's in this very important confession that Jonah now sees he's been misjudging God all along. He assumed God had narrow-minded grace like he did. Grace that could only be for those who were trying to do what was right.
Speaker 2:Jonah didn't think it was possible, or even should be possible, for God to love those who are unlovely in their wretched sin. Jonah had been seeing God incorrectly and because of that Jonah also saw others incorrectly. His view of humanity was narrow-minded, just like our view of our spouses. We make judgments, we point fingers and generally want the hammer to come down on those who are doing wrong to us. Jonah didn't see people how God sees people and because Jonah saw God and other people incorrectly, guess what he saw himself incorrectly. But this is the moment where he sees that he himself was included in the group of people he was judging. We often have an incorrect belief about ourselves. We see ourselves on the outside of the sin of our spouse. Like Jonah, we assume we're outside of God's judgment on them. Before this moment, Jonah didn't know or understand that God longed to be gracious and compassionate to him just as much as he wanted to show mercy to Nineveh.
Speaker 3:Our own personal sin is deceptive. It tricks our heart into thinking we're good, no worries. We think we only have to change a smidge, maybe just a little bit, maybe not at all, but, man, if you could see my spouse Believing the truth about God and his grace changes everything. We no longer look at the sin and the misunderstandings that lie between us and our spouse. We don't see them as on the other side of the line from us. Believing the truth about God's love and grace puts us on the same side of the line In a marriage like Jennifer and Matt's. What if we saw ourselves not as the one who needs to be rescued from our marriage, but rather the one who's been put on mission within our marriage capable, because God has sent us there?
Speaker 2:And the last one am I willing to try one more thing? Am I willing? It all boils down to belief. Thoughts and feelings like this are based on what we believe about merit and grace, what we believe about salvation and whether or not we earn it or receive it as a gift. Let me ask you this Do you believe God is gracious to you in your sin? If so, does his grace extend to your spouse's sin? If the answer is yes, then it covers all of their sin. You don't get to draw the line on where God's grace stops.
Speaker 3:Jonah's shift in belief caused him to repent, not to the point of shame, but at the point of change, the minute he turned his heart toward God. Seeing God's grace was not only sufficient enough to save the vilest of people in Nineveh, but that he himself needed that same grace. God brings him out of this pit and gives him a second chance. Jonah 2.10 says the Lord commanded the fish and it vomited Jonah up on a dry land. Kind of gross but kind of cool. God is able to step in and change the things that seem impossible. To rescue you from you, to rescue your marriage.
Speaker 2:Here's the litmus test on this for our marriages today. Are your thoughts about your spouse based on their merit, how much they've earned your favor, or, when you think about them, is your heart and mind filled with grace towards them, the same grace you have received? As we start to close out here today on Vows to Keep Radio, I want you to think about the worst sin you've ever committed. That sin was nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ. Not only that one, but the sum of a lifetime of sins, each one covered and paid for by the blood of Jesus. Now picture the lifetime of your spouse's sins. Every single one is nailed there too, even their sin of talking to you the way they did last night.
Speaker 3:Here's the truth about their sin and yours. From Colossians 2.14. It says God forgave us all our sins. Having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us, he's taken it away, nailing it to the cross. You see, just like Jonah had no legal or moral standing in which to condemn the Ninevites, you and I have no ground on which to stand and judge our spouse for their sin. What we're saying is the pain doesn't go away, but it becomes endurable when we realize the mission we're on for our spouse's life. Every phone call we get, it is our goal that that person we're talking to would understand exactly what we've said that they are on mission for God.
Speaker 3:If you're in a position where you're considering divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences, join us next week as we ask you to consider six challenges, six commitments, the first being to commit to believe the truth. The second being to commit to pay the cost. It's not as steep as you might think. Jesus does it for us. Third, to commit to the calling. Fourth, like Jonah, we've got to commit to go all of the way. What we're asking you to do is commit to be 100% in for your marriage. Fifth, commit to trust God for the outcome. The question is will I be Jesus or will I be Jonah? And sixth, will you commit to what comes next, taking each step, moment by moment, in obedience to the Lord?
Speaker 2:What we want you to hear is that there is hope. We serve a God who is not only willing and able to save our souls and give us eternal life. He is willing and more than able to save any marriage that comes to Him for help. We've worked with so many couples who are making a last-ditch effort to salvage the wreck of a marriage, only to witness God do amazing, miracle after miracle. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. He is the author and finisher of our faith. There's hope for your marriage. There's hope for any marriage. If you know someone who is struggling in their marriage right now, on the brink of filing for divorce based on irreconcilable differences, we encourage you to share this broadcast with them. You can find it on our website at vowstokeepcom, and join us right here next week for part two of Irreconcilable Differences on Vows to Keep Radio.
Speaker 1:Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.
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