The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Beyond Self-Esteem: Finding Worth in Christ :: [Ep. 264]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 264

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Beyond Self-Esteem: Finding Worth in Christ :: [Ep. 264]

Last week, we started the conversation about Self-Worth and Self-Esteem. This week, we are concluding that conversation. In this episode, we are learning just how a biblical perspective on self-worth can transform hearts and marriages. Rather than embracing the world's definition of self-esteem, we are discovering that our true value comes from being made in God's image and chosen by Him.

We will cover the following:

• Satan manipulates our self-perception to damage our marriages, convincing us we deserve better than our spouse
• The "I am who I am" mentality creates a false comfort zone that prevents growth and transformation in relationships
• Biblical confidence means thinking of ourselves less rather than thinking less of ourselves
• How to transition from being "puffed up" to being "filled up" with God's truth and how that transforms how we serve our spouse

For further study on this topic, listen to our previous broadcasts titled "Idols of the Heart," read John 13, 1 Corinthians, or Tim Keller's "The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness."

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And we've made Vows to Keep. Last week, on Vows to Keep Radio, we began our search, together with you, to have a godly view of ourselves, sifting through all the messages of the world and letting the lies fall through the cracks. If you haven't heard it, josh Wilson has an amazing song out there called Selfless, and the punchline of the song says this it's not about thinking less of yourself, but thinking of myself less. This isn't a song about beating myself down. See, I'm living under grace for God's all of the world, so much that I'm free to do the same thing. Last week, we started by defining and comparing what self-esteem is, what selfishness is, what worth and identity, pride and confidence all have to do with each other. Second, we looked at how an accurate view of self affects our lives and our marriages, and we're going to continue that conversation today. And finally, we'll finish our conversation by going from being puffed up to being filled up, how we move forward from where we are today.

Speaker 2:

David. There are so many sides to this self-esteem coin, so to speak. Even a lot of Christians are not agreeing on a solid definition of self-esteem and whether or not we need to have low self-esteem or high self-esteem. So before we jump into a further discussion on how an accurate view of ourself affects our marriages, let's look briefly at this again, just like we did last week, and I think a great place to start with that is. Let's look at Jesus, because, honestly, we could turn to lots of different websites, we could turn to lots of different quote unquote experts on this topic, but really, if we looked at Jesus, we're probably going to get the best definition of how we should view ourselves from him.

Speaker 2:

Let's look at Jesus at his birth. He was born lowly in a stable and here he is, the king of all kings. And then, at age 12, we see him again. He's in the temple and he doesn't even care what his closest relatives think of him. He is just concerned about what his father is up to and what his father has called him to do. Then we see him in action during these three years of his earthly ministry. He's not up at some pulpit collecting all the money from all the congregation. He's not trying to gain someone else's throne by kicking them off. He is on the floor on his knees washing the disciples' feet. He is letting his hands and feet be nailed to a cross so that we could have a relationship with the Father. Talk about amazing. It completely adjusts my preconceived and misguided conceptions about self-esteem so quickly.

Speaker 3:

Listen to John chapter six. This is picking up in verse 38. And this is a passage of Jesus' self-conceptions pretty much summed up nicely for us. It says for I've come down from heaven not to do my will, but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me that I should lose none of those he has given to me, but raise them up at the last day so that they will have eternal life. So self-esteem is all about where we're focused, and Jesus shows us where our eyes should be by showing us where his eyes were. He says in John chapter 8, verse 50, I'm not seeking my own glory. John Piper interprets this to mean that Jesus wasn't seeking some temporary glory, something he could have gotten here on earth, like wealth or power or prestige the kind of things that we look for. He was only concerned with bringing glory to the Father.

Speaker 2:

Now I want you to note something here today. Jesus did not neglect himself. He took time away to be renewed spiritually. He took time to eat. He took time away to be renewed spiritually. He took time to eat. He took time to rest and to fellowship.

Speaker 2:

God is not suggesting that any of us hate ourselves. In fact, he wants us to understand this issue from his divine order. Listen to 1 Corinthians, chapter 6. It says do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own. You were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. God is showing you that you are so valuable that God himself makes his home in you.

Speaker 2:

And what God is teaching is that true worth is found in knowing who we are in God. Jesus knew we just looked at that. He was more than certain of his position and his purpose. And God wants to show us that true worth is found in living a life of loving sacrifice, seeking God's glory, not our own. He says in John 8, 54,. If I glorify myself, then my glory means nothing. That's because Jesus was in it for the Father. He was in it for the long game. He was in it for us. How easy would it have been, in those really difficult moments of his ministry, in his time here with us on earth, just to wash his hands of the whole thing. It would have been so easy for him, like it is for us, to focus on our feelings or to hold a grudge against all who were abusing and threatening him.

Speaker 3:

Jesus not only had his worth and purpose down pat, he's got ours down pat too. Think about this how does Jesus view us before and after salvation? It's something that I think we can see the evidence by his actions. So let's continue today on Vows Keep Radio on our second point how an accurate view of ourself affects our lives and our marriages.

Speaker 2:

When we've got this upside down, things get lopsided really quick.

Speaker 3:

Satan plays both sides of the field, convincing us that we don't need God and all we are is entangled by the demands that God's word seems to be putting on us. So you know what? I'm going to free myself of all that by just being me. And then he manipulates our worth, our self-esteem, by convincing us that we are of more value than our spouse. Of course, he doesn't put it in those terms, though. We begin to entertain thoughts like you know what. I've been doing my part, and what about you? He doesn't do anything around here, and hasn't for years. I don't even know if I'm still in love with her anymore.

Speaker 2:

We begin to play the comparison game with our spouse looking at our accomplishments compared with theirs, looking at how far we've come compared to them.

Speaker 3:

All in perfect timing. Satan will plant someone else who values you tremendously, someone who makes you ask the question why should I stay married to this person when this new person in my life makes me feel like the jewel, the treasure, the valuable person that I am? On the other side of the field, there's Satan. He's lying, she only nags me, and all she does is point out how disappointed she is in me. When was the last time she respected me as the man I am Like? Never right.

Speaker 3:

What we're describing here is a merit-based love. You will get love when I see how you perform for me. The truth is, though, none of us ever measure up. Instead of going to God's word, we fall prey to Satan's long-term game. Satan's game is tricking you into thinking that selfish self-love is what you're missing. He wants you to have an inaccurate view of yourself and to convince you that your spouse doesn't value you, making you want to leave them. They're now not only unnecessary in your life, they're actually a hindrance to what you want. Ironically, satan wants you to look at God in the exact same way. He's holding you back. He's got you under his thumb. You'd be better off without him.

Speaker 2:

He leads us to believe hey, you've got your platform, you've got your youth, you've got your looks, your health, your future and all that's inside of you. And that's not only enough. It's such an abundance that you don't need anyone or anything else. This is Satan's lie about self-esteem. When we stand on the mantra of I am who I am and you can't change me and I don't need to change a face-off with our spouse, holding on to what we value or what we think gives us value, we don't gain anything. We actually lose. See, the I am who I am phrase is a deceiving place of rest that often we snuggle down into because it's comfortable and if I'm far enough down into my deception, I don't have to get out. In fact, I can convince people and even myself that I never have to get out. And if I can continue to stand on the platform of I am who I am and you've got to accept me the way that I am, that's a comfortable place to be because in that spot I don't have to change, or at least I don't have to change according to what God's word is asking of me.

Speaker 2:

I create new rules, my rules for myself, and the change that I begin to chase is all change. That's superficial, it's all on the outside. I can change the color of my living room walls. I can change the color of my hair. I can even change the color of my teeth Things that make me feel good. Just for a moment, I can focus on all the outward appearance things. I can start hanging out with different people that make me feel good because I esteem their value. I can start pursuing this promotion at work. I can start hanging out with different people that make me feel good because I esteem their value. I can start pursuing this promotion at work. I can start even pursuing this other person in my life because that's the change I'm looking for.

Speaker 2:

But that's not the truth of who God has called us and made us to be. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, your old sinful nature is gone and a new life has come. We see that in second Corinthians, chapter 5. It says in verse 16 so we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. That's basically what we're talking about here today. We are not going to evaluate ourselves anymore from a worldly standpoint.

Speaker 2:

It even says in the same verse at one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view, but how differently we know him now. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone and a new life has begun. And now in this new life, we have a calling, not to love ourselves, because of course that just comes naturally to us, but a calling to take it one step further, to fulfill the great commandment to love our neighbor as ourself. The world would look at someone with low self-esteem in a poor marriage and say, well, they don't know that they deserve better, but they do.

Speaker 3:

So you've got this person with low self-esteem, and if only they could understand that they're in that state because they don't care about themselves and they let their spouse use them. Now a godly person in that situation might be looking at themselves and saying you know what? I confidently know that I deserve nothing, and it's from the abundance of Christ that I give and I serve my spouse.

Speaker 2:

I think I know the scripture you're referring to here. David out of Philippians, chapter two, where we are called to have humility like Christ had. It says in verse six that though he was God, he did not even think of equality with God as something that he could cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges, he took the humble position of a slave, if you can imagine that. And he was born as a human being.

Speaker 2:

And when he appeared in human form, he didn't just stop there. He humbled himself in obedience to God. He didn't say I deserve everything, even though he did. He humbled himself not to a place of low self-esteem, but to a place of humility, knowing that he was called by God to lay down his life in love. And you and I are called to do the exact same thing in our marriages. To take the form of a servant, says in verse seven. He emptied himself, he took the form of a servant and he died a criminal's death on a cross. He died our death on the cross. He did nothing from selfish ambition. He did nothing from conceit or puffed up pride, but in humility he counted us as more significant than himself. If this is hitting home with you today, I really encourage you to study, read and pray about Philippians, chapter 2.

Speaker 3:

You see, a believer and a non-believer could look actually very similar on the outside, but inside they could be motivated by something totally different, someone who's not concerned for their well-being because they trust God. They trust His hand, the love that they carry and the way that they work in their marriage is trusting His sovereignty at work, and that person can actually be happy to serve someone who has no current desire to thank them for their efforts, to even acknowledge their love. To an outside observer they can evaluate a Christian in this position for someone with low self-esteem and no self-worth. God would evaluate that person as someone who's trying to win their spouse to the Lord with love.

Speaker 1:

You've been listening to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. They'll return shortly with more of today's broadcast. Vows to Keep wants to help. Today's quick marriage question was submitted by a listener like you. Now here's David and Tracy with today's quick marriage question and their response.

Speaker 2:

David and Tracy, my husband and I are struggling with physical unity. I don't feel good about how I look and I know it's affecting my marriage. In answer to that, I suspect you might know this, but a negative self-image of a wife costs a husband joy in marriage. If a wife is negative about their body or themselves, the husband can actually grow weary of the fight, so to speak. Let your husband speak truth into your life about who you are in Christ and about how attracted he is to you. I believe that people who feel they have a low self-image need truth on a very consistent basis. Don't let your husband's compliments bounce off of you. Accept them as truth and let him walk beside you to show you how valuable you are to him and to Christ.

Speaker 1:

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vows2keepcom. Vows2keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows2Keepcom. Vows To Keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows To Keep. Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 2:

The truth. Jesus teaches us about our worth and the enemy's counterfeit quote unquote truth are polar opposites to each other. God shows us that we are worth so much to him he gave his beloved son for us. Satan tells us that we're worth so much we should puff ourselves up to the highest possible point we can get to. Which one are you and I going to follow? It's in the everyday, little tiny decisions where we see that choice being made.

Speaker 2:

This isn't just a one fell swoop decision. Okay, now I'm going to believe God wholeheartedly. No, this is a moment by moment, step of faith, saying God, I trust you to take care of me as I lay down my life for a friend, as I lay down my preferences, as I lay down my agenda, as I let you fill me up. It is which way we will choose in the little things that deeply affects our marriages. Jesus teaches about serving others in Matthew, chapter 20. It goes like this then the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus with her sons. She knelt respectfully to ask a favor.

Speaker 3:

What is your request? He asked.

Speaker 2:

She replied in your kingdom. Please let my two sons sit in places of honor next to you, one on your right and the other on your left.

Speaker 3:

But Jesus answered by saying to them you don't know what you're asking. Are you able to drink from the bitter cup of suffering? I'm about to drink.

Speaker 2:

Oh, yes, they replied, we are able.

Speaker 3:

Jesus told them then you will indeed drink from my bitter cup, but I have no right to say who will sit on my right or left. My Father has prepared those places for the ones that he has chosen.

Speaker 2:

When the ten other disciples heard what James and John had asked, they were indignant, but Jesus called them together and said this you know that the rulers in this world lorded over their people, and the officials flaunt their authority over those under them.

Speaker 3:

But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be a servant. Whoever wants to be the first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Speaker 2:

That is such an eye-opening passage to me. It shows our human nature it's just to seek glory for ourselves. And it shows the cost and the reward of serving Christ and the motivation of why we follow in his footsteps. Passage after passage in God's word calls us to live a life of love because we have been loved by God. He has called us to a life of service, serving others in him, and we find our value in that. And it doesn't come naturally to us. We can all see that in just the everyday choices that we make.

Speaker 2:

But God has called us to change. He set us on a trajectory of change, conforming us into the image of his son Praise God for that Transforming our hearts little by little, shifting the focus of our lives from self-love to love of others. 2 Corinthians 3.18 speaks to that and we can take this part out if we need to. And we all who, with unveiled faces, contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever increasing glory which comes from the Lord, who is the spirit I hope none of us stand on the shaky ground of. This is who I am, so live with it type attitude. God, give us teachable hearts so we can have an accurate view of ourselves and let that affect our marriages.

Speaker 3:

If you're believing what God says about you, that you're chosen, that you're loved, cherished, delighted in forgiven a new creation in Christ Jesus, how does that affect your marriage? Then you will eagerly look towards step number three, which is how do we go on from here, going from being puffed up to being filled up? Our worth is not something that we acquire through independence. It's not our personality traits, it's not our looks, our promotions, our possessions, it's not even in our relationships or our talents. Our worth is given to us by God himself.

Speaker 2:

When we recognize that putting our hopes and our values on how we look is being puffed up. Now we can be filled up because we were made in our creator's image. There's so much value in that. Romans 8 says that God predestined us to be conformed to the image of his son. Psalm 139 tells us that he formed us, every part of us, and he knows every day of our lives, every word that we're ever going to say you are loved by the God of this universe. That much that fills you up today.

Speaker 2:

Ephesians 1 says that we were chosen for adoption into his family. God handpicked you. There's value in that. In Romans 12, we're told that he has entrusted us with his gifts and his message. And in Matthew 28, he says now go be a good steward of what I've given you. So are you puffed up today or are you filled up with the value that God places on you? Only God's opinion counts in the end when we seek to please our master and our savior. Knowing that we are fully loved on both our worst and our best days, we are fully satisfied with a right sense of who we are.

Speaker 3:

So is it about you making a good impression? No, it's about letting people see Christ working in us and through us. Is it about aiming to be our best self or is it aiming to be excellent? For Christ's sake, when you fail, do you try again? Are you burying your talent, or are you the man who's willing to say I'm going to work hard for Christ's kingdom with this talent?

Speaker 2:

We look at that familiar passage in Matthew 6 where God tells us to seek his kingdom and his righteousness first and all these other things that we need. God tells us to seek his kingdom and his righteousness first and all these other things that we need, god's going to give to us as well. See, it's all about the focus. Not to us, o Lord, not to us, but to your name. Be the glory because of your love and faithfulness. Right before Jesus was tried and sentenced to death, he came through Jerusalem riding on a donkey. And sentenced to death, he came through Jerusalem riding on a donkey, a lowly procession for the king of kings. Right after that, in that same chapter, in John 12, jesus says this whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, my servant also will be. My father will honor the one who serves me. Remember show and tell in kindergarten.

Speaker 3:

I do.

Speaker 2:

Well, this is one of those moments. First, jesus shows what humility and service looks like by coming in on a donkey and then he tells it to us plainly. But notice the bookend to his statement my father will honor the one who serves me. Yes, there's going to be a great cost to us personally as we serve and as we lay up treasures in heaven, fixing our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. But look what we have to look forward to a reward from our Heavenly Father, our Creator.

Speaker 3:

So what we see in Jesus is someone who appears to be lowly here on earth, who is actually totally confident, totally thought through, a person focused on God's kingdom and light of eternity.

Speaker 2:

In conclusion, today on Vows to Keep Radio we're going to look at that Josh Wilson song one more time. It's a song called Selfless. Two words selfless. He says it's not about thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. It's put in such a great, concise form for us as we study about self-esteem and how we should view ourselves and how that affects our marriage. Because he says this isn't a song about beating ourselves down, because we're living under grace, for God so loved the world that we are free to do the same.

Speaker 3:

And when we're free from the trap of selfish love of self, then we're free to live and love like Christ called us to. Galatians 5 says this for you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters, but don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command love your neighbor as yourself, and there's no better advice in a marriage than that. Pray with us today, Lord.

Speaker 3:

Today, I choose in little moments to set aside any rights that I think I have, things that I'm clinging to, things where I'm puffing myself up and forgetting who you have made me and called me to be God. We need your help to realign our thoughts and our beliefs about what our worth is, God. We pray that this would change what we're hoping to gain and what we're hoping to give in our marriages as well, that we would see our marriage as our very first mission field, Because you've loved us, you've chosen us, You've appointed us to love you and to love others. We say with the psalmist not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name. Be the glory because of your love and your faithfulness.

Speaker 2:

For further study and encouragement on this, we encourage you to listen to previous broadcasts titled Idols of the Heart that you can find at bowstokeepcom. We would also encourage you to turn to John, chapter 13 and 1 Corinthians, and a great little booklet by Tim Keller called the Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness.

Speaker 1:

Bows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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