The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

When "Be Yourself" Backfires: A Christian Perspective on Self-Worth :: [Ep. 263]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 262

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When "Be Yourself" Backfires: A Christian Perspective on Self-Worth :: [Ep. 263]

Self-esteem is a concept that is celebrated by our culture but may be leading us away from God's design for our lives and marriages. God calls us to find our worth and our confidence in His love and design for us, not in our uniqueness or accomplishments.

In this episode, we will cover the following:
• Self-esteem is based on comparison and puts our focus on ourselves instead of God and others
• The Bible never instructs us to focus on self-love - it assumes we already do this naturally
• Jesus demonstrated his understanding of worth through service and sacrifice, not self-focus
• The true measure of our worth

Join us today! And come back again next week for part two of this series as we dig deeper into what the Bible says about self-worth, pride, humility, and how these concepts affect our marriages.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And we've made vows to keep. Do you want to know what your kids are reading at 7 o'clock in the morning as they chomp their cereal before school? Here's what's on the back of the boxes at our house, and I quote don't let anyone tell you. You can't be who you are. Sounds good, but is it really?

Speaker 2:

The world is placing your value in how unique you are. Have you noticed this? Like we have, it's prized that you are your own. You Define what's singly exclusive about yourself, and that adds value. Here's some other common things that we've heard.

Speaker 3:

Be the best version of yourself. You're strong. Follow your dreams. Don't let anyone hold you back. Be different, unique. These are the mantras of our culture.

Speaker 2:

Especially, I think, for girls and women. In most fairy tales, of course, there's the princess who needs rescuing, the knight in shining armor, just like David. Here he shows up in the nick of time on his white stallion to save the day. You know, you've got the picture in your head. I know you do so. The message, though, it's shifting. Here's a new children's book at your local library, one I just saw the other day. Not one damsel in distress. Stories of heroic girls.

Speaker 3:

That's the title.

Speaker 2:

You can do it. You've got what it takes. Go for it. You've got everything within you. It takes to be powerful.

Speaker 3:

Now put this in contrast. We recently went to a Josh Wilson concert and his catchy song is called Selfless Just two words, and that song is still going through my head. It's an awesome song. The chorus goes like this it's not about thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less, and that's such a great way to explain the battle that many of us have going on within us. The question of us as Christians is how should we think of ourselves? You just mentioned the word self-esteem and you're going to get a variety of reactions People arguing that we should have low self-esteem so we can be humble. Others saying that we should have high self-esteem because that's good mental health. Not everyone even agreeing on what the definition of self-esteem is. It's so confusing at best.

Speaker 2:

There are influences everywhere online, in church, from our parents, our co-workers, media all giving us their opinion on the topic. Christians and non-Christians alike either agree wholeheartedly or disagree vehemently with each other. So here's the memo on the bulletin board of the world, in a nutshell, about this topic of self-esteem. You are all that you need.

Speaker 3:

But do you catch the undercurrent? If all you need is you, if you've got what it takes, you don't need God. End of equation. Nothing left to add. Not God, not your spouse, not your fellow believers in Christ, not God's word, because you're good. You're good just as you are on your own. Satan could never convince God that you're not worth pursuing. But Satan can convince us, little by little, that we don't need God. Everything we will ever need comes straight from within us, the real, true us. In fact. The true we are to ourselves and to our desires, the stronger we will be.

Speaker 2:

I hope that sounds a little bit scary to you. It sounds scary to me.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, totally, because I think we're all great at being self-deceivers.

Speaker 2:

What could be easier to fall prey to than my own misconceptions and deceptions? I do it all the time. Now I hear the word of God preached every Sunday. David, I know you do too. We read God's word throughout the week. In fact we even teach it to others. But let's get real here. On most days, I only retain what will serve me best. Then we're like the man in James, chapter one, looking at our face in a mirror, looking at our lives in the mirror of God's word, and as soon as it's not in front of us, we forget, either accidentally or on purpose, what it said. Our hearts, jeremiah 17 says, are desperately wicked. We run after what feels good in the moment, believing that we can find life and satisfaction apart from God.

Speaker 3:

Before we dive into the solution to our heart's condition and what this means for our marriage, let's understand the further messages that we're hearing. So we've only talked about one side of this coin. Number one you've got everything you need to be successful because you're unique, and the more that you lean into your uniqueness, the happier you will be. The other side, though, and this one is more subtle more of us are going to fall into it. We stuff our homes and our lives full of accolades, full of recognition, the perfect education, the perfect job, home kids, the perfect blog, the perfect Facebook page. We build ourselves and our lives into something the world would honor. We feel good about it. It scratches just the right itch the need to be successful, to be worth something.

Speaker 3:

What if we were stripped of all that made us feel worthwhile? No accolades, no education, no family, no good looks, poor health, just the basic possessions. Job found himself in this very position. He had had it all and it was all taken away. What if that was you? Not only how would you react, but how would you feel? Where would your worth come from? It was certainly an eye-opener for Job. Read his story sometime. Read how he came to grips with who he was, not because of his great wealth or awesome family, but because God created him. As we seek today on Vows to Keep Radio, to have a godly view of ourselves, sifting through the messages of the world and letting the lies fall through the cracks, let's take our discussion in this order. Number one defining and comparing self-esteem, selfishness, worth, identity, pride and confidence self-esteem, selfishness, worth, identity, pride and confidence.

Speaker 2:

And number two we're going to talk about how an accurate view of ourself affects our lives and especially our marriages.

Speaker 3:

And then number three steps going forward from here.

Speaker 2:

Let's go into number one here, defining and comparing all those things that David just mentioned, Number one being self-esteem. This is the world's definition of self-esteem Feelings of worth based on our skills, our accomplishments, status, financial resources and appearance. Self-esteem at its most basic form means that we are esteeming ourselves.

Speaker 3:

What's interesting is that the world connects low self-esteem with abuse. Someone who could just be run all over, and yet God connects humility with service. The world connects high self-esteem with confidence someone who stands their ground. But then there's god. He connects pride with failure. Now, in most of our homes, that's not really the case that we're dealing with. Most of us are not in an abusive relationship. We're not dealing with someone who's horribly prideful. In fact, we stand in place where we've got two believers living in a home who have low self-worth and have no desire to serve the Lord in regards to their marriage. One thing we can say for sure that is a hole you will stay stuck in for a long time. But the answer is not to suddenly just take on some new form of self-esteem. The answer is to follow through with what God asks you to do for others. If you want to have worth in this world, you will serve who God asks you to serve. Think about that, husbands. When you know there's a honey-do list out there, will your love be put into action? Will you look for those things and just start to move? You see, god has designed us in such a way that when we serve him, we feel best about ourselves. And, aside from serving God himself, he has placed you in such a position that the next most relevant people to serve in your life are going to be your wife, your family, the body of Christ, and then everyone else in this world.

Speaker 3:

Take a look with me at Matthew, chapter 25. One day we'll stand before the king, and this is in verse 34. It says Then the king will say to those on his right Come, you who are blessed by my father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food. I was thirsty and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed me. I was naked and you clothed me. I was sick, you visited me. I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him saying Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink, and when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? And the king will answer them. Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers, you did it to me. Now let me be clear. In fact, serving God often means serving your wife.

Speaker 2:

Something interesting to note when we talk about what self-esteem is is that you and I don't need to be told to love ourselves. We get up in the morning and guess what we do? We take care of us. We eat breakfast, we shower, we brush our teeth. We look out for ways all throughout the day how we're going to get comfort, how we're going to get fed.

Speaker 3:

How we're going to get to the very next pleasure we can imagine right.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. The Bible, if you look at it closely never instructs us to self-love. That's because we do it naturally. Jesus says love your neighbor as yourself. That's the greatest commandment. You can see right there that self-love does come naturally. Yet in our culture, love yourself first so you can love your neighbor is actually what we're being told, except we typically don't get to the loving our neighbor part. We tend to stop at the self-love part because our ego is demanding. Even those who would purport that they loathe themselves are actually very self-absorbed people focusing on the negative qualities in themselves rather than obeying the great commandment, rather than loving like Jesus loved, laying down our lives for others. I hope you're starting to get a glimpse of how upside down we have gotten this concept of self-love, self-esteem and self-worth.

Speaker 3:

And many people do fall into this hole where they literally get to the point where all they can look at is how terrible they are and the world would say to them listen, you're certainly not going to be able to love someone else in that condition. What's the answer? Well, the answer the world gives is that you need to have some pride, that you need to combat low self-esteem with a whole bunch of self-importance and maybe they wouldn't say it exactly that way, but here's the trap we fall into. It really boils down to the comparison game. That's what self-esteem really is. Am I good at this compared to someone else? Even myself? Are my strengths different from someone else? Does that make me less valuable?

Speaker 1:

you've been listening to vows to keep radio with david and tracy sellers. They'll return shortly with more of today's broadcast. Vows to Keep wants to help. Today's quick marriage question was submitted by a listener like you.

Speaker 2:

Now here's David and Tracy with today's quick marriage question and their response. Dear David and Tracy, my wife does not value me or my needs and I feel like I'm attentive to her needs and serve her tirelessly, and I feel really bad about myself. What do I do you?

Speaker 3:

know it seems like a challenging question, because it's one in which I think we can all at times relate to the emotions that are behind it. Many of us work very hard at pleasing our spouse, as if we're going to get something from them because we've given something to them. We're trying to constantly prove our worth to them. This is something that yields so much frustration for so many of us.

Speaker 2:

The fact is, your spouse may never see your needs. They may never see your true worth. Here's what you need to do you need to know your worth in Christ, no matter what your spouse thinks of you, no matter if they meet your needs or not.

Speaker 3:

That's right, tracy. We have to be so vigilant to make sure that we don't buy into one of Satan's greatest traps. You see, the Lord values us so much that he would give his son on the cross for our eternal life with him, but Satan would desire for you to look at yourself with so little value that, in fact, no one would give anything for you, with so little value that your purpose becomes pointless. This is a trap you have to be very keenly aware of. Instead of looking for your actions to buy their approval, which is a trap that honestly doesn't really work we must look at our spouse's needs with a totally different perspective. We must hunger to serve the Lord by serving them, and I do believe, as you serve the Lord by serving them, you're gonna turn their heart toward God. Ultimately, that is the best thing you could do for both you and them.

Speaker 1:

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vowstokeepcom. Vows to Keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 2:

We hope you don't feel like we've got this concept, this teaching, completely perfected in our own lives. We also fall trap to comparing ourselves with others, not recognizing the value that we have in Christ, putting our value in what the world says should be valued instead, I wonder today where you might have fallen into this trap yourself. Who are you comparing yourself with right now, today, yesterday, as you look into the mirror? Is that where you are getting your self-worth from? Are you convincing yourself you need certain things in your life in order to be valuable or valued?

Speaker 3:

Look at how God's word talks about the body of Christ.

Speaker 2:

First Corinthians 12, says in fact, god has placed the parts in the body that's you and me, every one of them just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, like if we were all the hand right, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts but one body, and those parts of the body that seem to be weaker, those are the ones that are indispensable and this is the kicker, because some of us look at ourselves as that weaker part, but god is the one who defines our value.

Speaker 3:

It is not up to us to do that. We can recognize as someone who's got all the body parts of as us, as physical people that we use, even things that seem not that obvious all the time. I have a friend who's missing four fingers on one of his hands and every time I meet that man, every time I see him and I shake his hand, I'm reminded of how important those four fingers are and I never think about them as valuable. This is exactly how God has designed the body of Christ. The world is saying hey, do you suffer from low self-esteem? Work on your self-image, find your true sense of self. Go find what you want to be.

Speaker 2:

Psychology today is asking us to do this. Ask yourself this question Do you believe in yourself? Do you give yourself the credit you deserve? Well, if that's what they're asking, then I'm going to ask this In your self-esteem, who gets the glory? If you're working to build up your self-esteem, the focus is on you. If you're working to bring glory to God, the focus is on Him, and your reward is fulfilling your role in the body of Christ, just like we talked about in 1 Corinthians 12. Your reward is walking in the good works that God prepared in advance for you to do, like it says in Ephesians 2.10.

Speaker 3:

Too many of us are looking for our self-worth to be defined by some reward that we would get here on earth. But that's not what God's word says is going to happen. We can look in Colossians 3. It says whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord, not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward, you're serving the lord christ and that inheritance well, no guarantees that's going to be here on earth, but it will come. Our quote we took from teens health, self-esteem can influence your happiness and success. I think we'd all raise our hand and a yes vote for a happy life and a marriage right yeah, who's going to say no to that?

Speaker 3:

but when we are misguided, and what will get us there? We don't ever make it to the destination. And that leads us to the second point how an accurate view of ourself affects our lives and our marriages. Traveling for business this last week, I went to Washington DC and I got an Uber, tracy, and there was a lady that was my Uber driver and she, like many people in this world, was struggling because she was recently going through a divorce, and this was one of her biggest complaints. She said being married to this man, I lost who I was and now I'm just trying to find me again. Now, tracy, I would argue that that's one of the best things that could happen in your marriage when you can't tell where one of us starts and the other begins. That is where we can celebrate the fact that we're no longer individuals. We're willing to sacrifice it all for the picture of unity, and we see this in the Trinity. In fact, when we look at the Trinity, we see this perfect unity between God, the Father, jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Speaker 2:

Yes, david. I was recently doing a study on the Trinity, how they are each individual persons. In the Trinity we serve one God, not three different gods, but one God, three in one, and each one of them serving a specific role in that relationship.

Speaker 3:

Each of them being willing to take their place in this relationship and yield to each other. This reminds me of Mark 10, verse 8. It says the two shall become one flesh. They're no longer two, but now one.

Speaker 2:

It really is such a remarkable and beautiful thing and it's the way God designed marriage as well. Each of us as individuals, but taking joy and coming into unity together. I see us functioning in joy when you and I, david, watch out for one another, when we're willing to sacrifice, like you say, maybe our preferences, our time for the picture of we. You might be saying, well, we're not alike, right? My husband and I, or my wife and I, we are so different. Of course you are. God has wired you that way. You've got your own personality, and that's great. The two of you are going to have certain bends towards certain things, and they're not always going to be the same.

Speaker 3:

But this is where the danger is. I think many of us want to celebrate our unique attributes, but god is actually calling us to a different picture in marriage, because god's love is not about two people traveling along a parallel path together, side by side, smiling at each other every once in a while. No, that's not how god designed marriage. In fact, that's not how he designed us as people. We can begin to see the detriments of a wrong viewpoint of self-esteem, because if I act like I'm independent, I'm self-contained, self-governing, self-sufficient. We're saying we're not created in someone's image. If I create my own self-worth, I don't need God.

Speaker 2:

And guess where that lands? A marriage, those two parallel paths. They eventually diverge from one another. God has called us to be on the same path. Where we think our worth comes from does determine our action.

Speaker 2:

Let's not start with us, though. As we talk about this. Let's start with Jesus. How did Jesus think of himself while he was on earth? Have you ever thought about that before? Did Jesus have high self-esteem, low self-esteem? Did he even think about it at all? Let's take a look, because if I'm going to be like anybody, I want to be like Jesus, not who the latest magazine or Pinterest post says I should be. We'll look at a couple instances here. Jesus says in John, chapter six I have come down from heaven not to do my will, but to do the will of him who sent me. You can see the Trinity right there and this is the will of him who sent me that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up on the last day. He's saying I've come so that you can have eternal life. Jesus was in it for the long game. He had his eyes on the Father, not on himself.

Speaker 3:

He had his eyes on us as well.

Speaker 3:

But think about this how easy would it have been in those difficult moments of his ministry, his time with us here on earth, just to wash his hands of the whole thing, to focus on how he was feeling, maybe even hold a grudge against all of us who were abusing and threatening him, people that had sinned against him and he was bearing the weight of all that.

Speaker 3:

But that's not what he does and we need to take our cue from him, rather than Vogue or some mental health website. We see that Jesus at birth he's this lowly baby in a stable. And here he is, the king of king above all other kings, at the age of 12, in the temple, going about his father's business and not even caring about what his closest relatives thought of him. We see, during the three years of his earthly ministry, that he's washing the disciples' feet, willing to suffer physically to see that more people would come to know his father. Think about that. The king of king is washing other people's feet. We see Jesus on the cross becoming a servant to all of us by being a sacrifice for all of us. Take some time and take notice that you and I are called to love like he loved, and I think that has got to adjust our misconceptions very quickly.

Speaker 2:

It certainly adjusts mine, because as we go through those different instances in Jesus' life, I see really clearly I hope you do too that he was not getting his self-worth from all the things that you and I are trying to get our self-worth from. He wasn't getting his self-esteem from the way he looked or his accomplishments or the people that he knew. He knew who he was a member of the Trinity. You and I need to know who. We are children of God. He knew that his worth was not based on any performance he could do here on earth. Our worth in Christ is not based upon how well we can act, how close to the letter of the law we can align our lives. No, our worth in God is found in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. His worth was based on who he was, and he willingly sacrificed everything for you and I. Jesus not only had his worth and purpose down pat, he's got ours too.

Speaker 2:

Think about this how does Jesus view us before and after salvation? Well, we can see it right in his actions. Jesus was the lamb that was slain before the foundation of the world. God does not wish that any should perish, but that all would come to repentance. He chases us until he's got our attention and then all of heaven rejoices when we become his child. That's how he feels about you before you even say yes to his call. And then, after you say yes, you are saved by grace.

Speaker 2:

When God looks at you, he sees the righteousness of Jesus and not all of your sins and failings. Praise God for that right. He gives you his presence and his word as his most valued and trusted gifts. He outfits you with everything you're going to need to live a godly life, everything you need to be his servant and his child. That is where our self-worth comes from and this significantly affects our marriage relationships. We hope you can join us next week on Vows to Keep, radio part two of this series, as we dig into what does the Bible say about our self-worth? What does the Bible say about self-esteem, pride, humility, selfishness, giving, serving? Next week we'll look at is our marriage relationship based on a merit type love, and how does that affect how we treat our spouses? Next week we're going to take a good look at are we trying to make a good impression or are we letting people see Christ working in us and through us? Let's go from being puffed up to filled up.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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