The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Effective Parenting as a Marital Team :: [Ep. 260]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 260

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Effective Parenting as a Marital Team :: [Ep. 260]

In this enlightening episode, we delve into the intersection of parenting challenges and marital harmony. We are exploring how the complexities of raising children can strain even the strongest union. 

Struggles in marriage can often surface from parenting decisions that can divide couples instead of uniting them. Tackling multiple issues faced by parents, we share insights drawn from biblical teachings on marriage and raising children.

We are talking about the following:
- Importance of a unified marriage for effective parenting 
- Common parenting disagreements and their impact on relationships 
- Seeking God's guidance in discussions around parenting 
- The lasting impressions of parental relationships on children 
- Elevating marriage over parenting as a priority 
- Redefining the perception of "lazy" behavior in parents to a deeper marital misunderstanding  

Tune in for a message filled with hope, encouragement, and practical insights that can transform the way couples approach parenting and strengthen their bond. Let’s work towards healing and inspiring each other while building a legacy of love and faith!

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3:

Today we're talking about the marital wildcard kids. Kids are the byproduct of what we do in marriage. Kids are the first witness to the way that a marriage either glorifies God or flat out doesn't. What do you think, trace, for the sake of breaking this down into buckets, should we try to tackle, like the top three or four things?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 3:

Probably the most common would have to be we just don't agree on parenting issues.

Speaker 2:

I've felt it, you've heard it the kids are just wearing us down. Our marriage is suffering because of it, or my spouse is a lazy parent.

Speaker 3:

And finally, the top four has got to be rounded out with this one. This marriage is tearing me down and now it's affecting our kids. It's time to end it all.

Speaker 2:

We know there are more, but these are the biggies. These are the big questions. Without God's word there are no easy answers To help a hurting marriage. We need to be knowledgeable on what the word of God says about these issues.

Speaker 3:

A husband came to me sharing how his wife was raised to believe that drinking was a sin. Out of respect for her, he didn't drink, but a day was coming where he knew he had to teach his kids about this topic. The problem, though, was he didn't agree with her view. For years, they avoided this topic. She was firm on her belief and he didn't want to disturb the peace. Maybe you can relate. What do you and your spouse disagree on?

Speaker 2:

For example, I was a picky eater growing up.

Speaker 3:

And I was someone who ate whatever was put in front of me and would have been disciplined for the slightest bit of complaining.

Speaker 2:

So how will we raise our kids? As a mom? I'm the one that feeds them most of the time. Maybe I think I should get to decide.

Speaker 3:

In counseling we've seen the confusion it creates for the kids of couples who have different expectations. The kids cozy up to whomever has the rules that they like and they complain about the one who has the rules that they don't like Rules like this.

Speaker 2:

Where does God's word say thou shalt eat thine broccoli?

Speaker 3:

Both of these topics, the drinking as well as the food. They're valid questions and we've actually heard this from many real families, including our own. To help a hurting marriage, you've got to go to God's word with that person who is talking to you about these challenges. You might have an opinion, but can I ask you, can I compel you, to just let your own opinion actually be shaped by God's word? See, the thing is, is the rules, the thoughts we have on things are so temporary and many parents fight about the letter of their own laws that things are going to enforce in their house. Then they march right past the intent of God's.

Speaker 3:

As parents, our purpose should be to prepare our kids for a life outside our home. That day is coming where our opinion as parents isn't really going to matter that much, and we have to be so careful not to make little Pharisees, little rule followers, out of our children while they're within our home. Success isn't kids who follow your every word. Success is kids with the freedom to choose, seeing the fruit of that obedience to God's word and choosing to do that for themselves.

Speaker 2:

I grew up in a home where my mom made a meal for the family and then she made a meal for me. It was great, but in hindsight it really wasn't so great. As a kid, going to other people's houses, I insulted their cooking, really without even knowing it, and that was fine by me. But really, Philippians chapter two was totally lost on me the part where it says do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but rather in humility. Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others. Selflessness isn't taught by words. It's taught in being denied something for the purpose of loving another. I didn't learn it really until I was an adult and that lesson was humbling. My parents thought they were being giving to me, but I dare say they were taking the easy way out with me. They didn't want to fight me, so I ruled issues like this as a little kid.

Speaker 3:

The Bible has a lot to say about drinking alcohol. We talked about that. Let's go read it for yourselves. In Leviticus, numbers, deuteronomy, judges, proverbs, isaiah, the scripture does not actually say that a Christian can't consume alcohol. What God commands is Christians regarding avoiding being drunk, and you'll find that in Ephesians and Proverbs, christians are also commanded not to allow their body to be mastered by anything, and clearly drinking alcohol in excess is something that not only does that but also can be very addictive. So in light of these verses, god's word is making it pretty clear Getting drunk is not something God is okay with. But I think it's also hard to say that a Christian can universally say that all drinking is a sin.

Speaker 3:

Do you see what we've done here? It's no longer about her opinion or his opinion. God's word speaks very plainly. I've not met an issue yet that we couldn't find answers within the pages of the Bible. Getting on the same page is as difficult and as simple as researching in the pages of God's word is as difficult and as simple as researching in the pages of God's Word. So when you want to help hurting marriage, the goal isn't to strengthen someone's opinion by adding your own two cents. It's about teaching them how to use God's Word to redefine their opinion. Tracy, you talked about the parent who might come in just worn down from all the stresses of being a parent.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's that second category. Parents who put off the hard work today pay a much higher price as their children get older. My picky eating journey is just one small example. I'm living proof. The older a person gets, the harder change becomes.

Speaker 3:

Kids neglected from the real hard work of discipline, from real discipleship. Well, they become adults with problems that they bear with them. Parenting clearly isn't for wimps, and how we're parented often shapes our own expectations, sometimes incorrectly. It can be so easy to be overwhelmed because of those expectations. So here comes someone, overwhelmed by the struggles of parenting. They're burying their soul, their fears. They're showing how burned out they are. They feel weak.

Speaker 3:

If you want to help them, your first question needs to be how is your marriage faring with all of this? Now, why would that be a good question? Well, the Lord tells us we're to train up our children and raise them for the Lord. We're going to dig into this in just a minute. But the Lord also says a marriage is to draw near to God and to each other, to become that one flesh. So how do we become one flesh if we neglect our marriage and how do we help our kids understand that one flesh principle as well? To help a hurting marriage? You might find you're going to have to ask some questions that go against the grain of our culture. Many parents, and thus their marriages, are actually failing from disbelief that God's way to parent and to do marriage could ever work. This makes the stakes very high, not only for future generations, but the marriages that surround those children. Today, the world has made being a parent the most important thing we could ever do, and simultaneously it has devalued God's design for marriage.

Speaker 2:

So the second question you want to ask a parent in hardship is have you made your relationships with your children too important? We hear it said in casual conversation all the time my kids are my number one because my husband hey, he can take care of himself, my kids can't. But the truth is, this never ends well. These are the same people who will invest to no end for their kids' sports schedules and will do everything they can to make their kids' day as streamlined as possible, but their marriage, meanwhile, looks like a roommate situation. God gives us priority order in these things for a reason, and God has given them an ally in their life. The problem is, sometimes we treat our marriage as dead weight, and a marriage in neglect is a parent in survival mode.

Speaker 3:

So could God be putting you in the life of a struggling parent who's now also a struggling spouse. To share truth, to bring long-standing positive change into a child's life, that parent needs to be on a godly given mission, and it starts in Genesis 2.24, where we see this picture of the marriage bond that God describes. It says Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Two becoming one in marriage actually involves uniting two whole and separate people into a new, god-designed, god-purposed life. Their first mission has to be a mission for two to become one Now as a unified pair. They're then up to the task of parenting. This burned out feeling that we have can be a great indication that what we've been doing isn't working. Now most people will reasonably agree that if they were both on the same page, both on the same parenting mission, it would be easier, it would be better. The problem is that they don't realize it actually starts by working on the same marriage mission first.

Speaker 2:

I love how God made man and woman in his image and he made marriage to reflect this undeserved love to someone in need. God made training up a child an outpouring of that love. We understand the Heavenly Father's love for us as we understand our role in our kids' life. God made your role as a parent a very high calling, but the hidden truth is that we put our full focus on our kids sometimes and we neglect our spouse, and then our marriage suffers from starvation and soon. We aren't doing anything as one. We are going it alone.

Speaker 3:

And this takes us to our third category of complaints that you're going to hear from a hurting marriage, and that is that my spouse is lazy. They're just not an effective parent in any way, shape or form, and I think we're seeing a growing trend of psychologically labeled kids who are now becoming parents. They weren't taught a biblical answer. They were given a medical answer, a message that declares that sin, with all its torments, is not their fault. A label is given. The consequences then, for that sin is just deemed immovable. The result is a generation not disciplined from a heart of love, but rather one that just hears yelling and screaming out of frustration. It wasn't discipline, it's wrath.

Speaker 3:

We've probably all seen parenting with anger, and you know it never ends well. Discipline is to bring repentance, and repentance is to bring about change. Wrath is someone just venting their feelings to make sure that you've gotten what you've deserved for what you've done to them. Now, of course, it doesn't work, and they feel guilt in the end, and so shifting into neutral is the safest next step. Doing nothing looks lazy to someone who's on the outside of their thoughts, but it's about the only tool they have left short of shouting and throwing things. So what does this look like in practical terms? Have you ever been in the restaurant? And to get the kids to behave, we give them an iPad or a movie and in effect we indirectly tell them hey, stop bothering me, I don't care. We say, go get entertained, so I don't have to deal with you. And now one generation passes all that and more onto the next generation.

Speaker 2:

And this is the conversation you're going to find yourself having with your friend. We talked about how God is our heavenly father and we are to model his love, and there's a number of passages that compare God's fatherhood to our parenthood. For example, psalm 103 says as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. Proverbs 3.12 says for whom the Lord loves, he reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights. And I love this one from Matthew 7.11. Jesus adds and if you hard-hearted, sinful men know how to give good gifts to your children, won't your Father in heaven even more certainly give good gifts to those who ask him for them? The point is, god's parenthood and our parenthood should be alike. He is our model for this.

Speaker 3:

Each verse uses humans just like you and I and the way that they treat their children to teach us what God is like. And the interesting part about this is that, as Christian counselors, we have seen it play out just like this. In other words, a person's image of God is sometimes patterned after his image of his own parents, especially his dad. If his parents were happy, loving, accepting, forgiving, he finds it really easy to understand God to be that same way. If his parents were cold and indifferent, he may feel that God is the same way, far away, disinterested in him personally. If his parents were angry and hostile, chose to reject him often, he would see God in that same way, never accepting him. If his parents were hard to please, he usually has that same nagging notion that God's not happy with him either.

Speaker 2:

To help change the view of a lazy or a disengaged parent, it starts with helping that person see properly God's view of them. What does God think about them when he looks at them? When we parent like the Heavenly Father, it is so. Life-giving Parents that are kind of slacking off are often confused about what God is actually specifically asking them to do, and so, rather than act out of rage and sin, they're just trying to not make a move that they know they'll regret later on. It's not right, it's not a place to stay, but it is understandable, and that's why we have to dig into God's word and find out about our heavenly father so that we can model his behavior as we close out this third category today on how to help a hurting marriage.

Speaker 2:

Talking about parenting, many people mistake their spouse as being lazy, when in fact they're just in silent disagreement about how the other spouse is parenting. And this takes us back to the very first thing we talked about. When we disagree and a wife is demanding her way or the highway, or husband's doing the same, the other person often shifts into neutral and that person, while they're in neutral, looks lazy to the other parent. But often they're actually in protest. They're not in agreement. Whatever the topic is, we're only going to do it right when we do it God's way.

Speaker 3:

So to help someone in this position, even if you think their spouse is lazy, can you challenge them to answer some really tough questions? The first is does your spouse understand God's love for them in a biblically accurate way? What's more urgent the outcome of their parenting or a correct heart level understanding that they might need with God? Is there something that you haven't agreed upon as parents, but you forced your way? Could you get out of the way? Could you take this topic back to your spouse and together seek God's way rather than your own? What I mean by this is go to his word. Seek God's way rather than your own. What I mean by this is go to his word and, if your view is well informed by God's word, be patient. Don't gloat because you already knew that. Walk the process. Discover it together. The third question is do we have a home that disciplines or are we just flexing our wrath?

Speaker 3:

If you go back to the broadcast in this series on how to help a hurting marriage about forgiveness, listen to that broadcast again, but this time think about God's model for forgiveness, because it applies as much to our kids as it does to our marriages If you want to discipline in a God-honoring way. In each case consider where does the offense of that child not align with God's word. Then issue discipline to the degree that's required to get repentance. This varies a lot by kid to kid and situation to situation. The point is don't just check a box that you issued some stern response to their terrible offense. The point is to issue a response that brings about a heart change in that child. Then, once that child actually desires forgiveness, grant it. Don't hold it over them, don't verbally rub anything in their nose, don't count the emotional cost it's been to you. Just give them true, deep forgiveness and show them that your forgiveness actually comes from God, who loves and covers both of your sins.

Speaker 2:

To help someone who feels like they are parenting alone. Think about charting a course for a moment. What changes need to be made in your marriage to support restoring your spouse? Have you ever prayerfully established goals for how support restoring your spouse? Have you ever prayerfully established goals for how you love your spouse? Pray also about the goals you're implementing in your marriage and think about the impacts these things will have as you train your children. We can't expect our children to turn out quote-unquote right. If we're aimed at our form of right as opposed to what God's word says is right, we can't hit a target we don't put above our own. As believers, our first target should be leading our spouse and our kids to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, Not just the assumed hey, they grew up in church, they're good to go Not just the head knowledge you know they have about God. We can't expect our spouse or our kids to shoot for that right goal until they have a new nature imparted from above.

Speaker 3:

Second, we have to want our kids and our spouse to make decisions in alignment with God's word, and we do this through prayer. We share every detail of our life with God and learn to trust him with every experience we have. Asking first, what God wants us to do is a habit that has to be cultivated, and you can and should be the example, no matter what your spouse's behavior is.

Speaker 2:

This leaves us with one more common category on our list of four things you're going to want to be prepared for as you talk to someone about parenting, when they are in a hurting marriage, when someone comes to you saying you know what? I just want to leave my husband and my kids for a new start.

Speaker 3:

It comes in a few different forms. Someone saying you know, all the kids see is us fighting. I'm not a good parent anyhow. Maybe my wife is right. I just can't handle my kids anymore. Someone begins to buy into the lie that their family would actually be better off without them and, quietly, that lie that they might be better off without their family too, because all this stress on them is just too great to be sustained. Sometimes you'll hear a spouse say you know my husband, my wife is just being a jerk to our kids. I feel like I need to protect them. There are so many reasons why a marriage can negatively impact the kids. It's true. Maybe you've even experienced it yourself as a child.

Speaker 3:

Now, if you want to help a hurting marriage in this situation, can I give you a word of caution? Be careful with affirmation. When someone comes in agony over the mess their kids are growing up in, I always thank them for the heart that they have for their kids, but I also want to remind them that God loves their kids too Rarely. Is it better to remain two broken people who are now separate? That's not a way to fix it. Hope comes with change. Broken people aren't to be left for dead. They're to be loved and disciplined.

Speaker 3:

Proverbs 22.6 says train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he's old, he won't depart from it. God's saying a person's ways later in life will be determined by his earlier experiences and training. So what happens during this season is going to largely determine the kinds of adults our children will become, and these years will be forever imprinted in their personalities. That's why so many people think well, now's the time to leave. Our children, in many ways, are exactly what we make of them as a sinner. That's a sobering thought. The comfort I take, though, is realizing that raising a child successfully is a superhuman task. When you're talking to someone whose marriage is wreaking havoc for their kids, it demands more than the resources that we have as a person to offer. It requires supernatural wisdom and strength. It requires supernatural wisdom and strength.

Speaker 2:

By examining God's covenant not contract relationship with us, we learn how he functions as our father, and from that we can learn what kind of parents we should be. The question is, will we follow our flesh or let him control our lives? You can look more into that in Galatians, chapter 5. It's not about you or your spouse being perfect today. It's about being willing to apply biblical wisdom to become a godly parent for tomorrow. It's about not accepting the labels and having courage to believe that God can take broken people and make them into something for his glory.

Speaker 3:

We need to meditate on the kind of God our children see by watching the relationship that I have with him, that you have with him. Is my daughter learning that Christians have security once they're saved, or that God's covenants are breakable? Is she learning that God is loving, kind, patient and forgiving? You see, many people we counsel 20, 30 years later say that their whole spiritual understanding was upended while their parents walked through a divorce. It can be good to take an assessment and see what we're doing right now isn't working. It's not time, though, to end it. It's time to change it. When we learn what kind of father God is and we follow his example, no matter what our spouse does or doesn't do our children see a living lesson of the kind of faithful God that we have that is more powerful to them than any other protection you could put in their life.

Speaker 3:

Ephesians 6.4 has some sobering words to consider, especially for the dads listening to me today. It says fathers, don't provoke your children in anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. I've heard it said more than once by a man who was about to walk out on his family. You know what? It would just be better for them if I leave. Everyone in my house is angry. I don't want to provoke them anymore. It's just more honorable to get out of here to step aside.

Speaker 3:

We so often miss the point of this verse. It's not talking about the momentary disappointment of a kid that doesn't like your decisions. It's not even talking about the three to five month phases your kid might be going through. This verse is talking to the parent who's taking the easy way out. Ask any adult who's grown up without one of their parents how they feel about this. They are rarely glad. Instead, they long for the man who would have been instructed by the Lord himself, the man who would have changed himself to be more like Christ. Just like this verse is compelling us fathers to teach and discipline our children, we need to be teachable. We need to be disciplined by the Lord. I want to close with this thought the training we give our children must be of the Lord and it must be learned ourselves first. It's training that means more, because it's been lived out in your own life. It can't be faked. We're all in need of change, and that change gives us credibility to help our children change too.

Speaker 2:

Hey, that's it for us for today on Vows to Keep Radio, but we're looking forward to the next two weeks as we wrap up how to help a hurting marriage here on Vows to Keep Radio, where we talk about unity and intimacy in marriage next week and we finish the whole series out with Legacy.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. If you are, vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link.

Speaker 2:

Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though one of my favorite things to do is read a good book. Fiction with a purpose allows you to journey with the characters and come out on the other side changed more into the image of Christ. And that's exactly what I want for you as you read my trilogy Roots Run Deep. These historical romances are fun and fast-paced, but I also know that as you turn that last page, your heart will be changed because you'll know more deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to VowsToKeepcom for all the details.

Speaker 1:

This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

Host