Restoring Hope in Marital Crisis :: [Ep. 259]

This week's episode is a heartfelt exploration of the complexities surrounding marriages in crisis and revealing how God's truth can illuminate for us the path back to love and connection. We emphasize actionable ways to support friends or loved ones facing marital strife, steering them towards hope and healing.

In this episode, we will cover the following:
• Reflection on a spouse wanting out of the marriage 
• Empowering couples to find truth amid emotional turmoil 
• Practical steps from Romans 12 on love and service 
• Importance of prayer, humility, and patience in marriage 
• Discernment between feelings and God’s promises 
• Ways to support a hurting marriage effectively

Join us on this journey as we explore how God's love transcends our circumstances and how through obedience and service, couples can reclaim their relationships. Don't miss it!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Vows to Keep
• 3:00 Mission of Vows to Keep: Building Healthy Marriages
• 32:00 Confronting the Desire to End a Marriage
• 2:29:00 Finding Truths Amid Emotion
• 4:00:00 Practical Steps from Romans 12
• 19:20:00 The Eternal Impact of Marriage Decisions

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:23

Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3: 0:28

We've been in an ongoing series on how to help a hurting marriage. Today we're focused on someone who will come to you and say I want out, I'm done with this marriage, I can't take it anymore. Maybe you've heard things like we fight constantly, we haven't made love since. I don't even know when People are seeing through the charade. We're no longer holding up this facade. This isn't healthy for our kids. We've tried everything. We've gone to counseling. It's not helping. You know what? I think she'd actually be happier without me. I know I'd be happier without her.

Speaker 3: 1:00

I know divorce is not necessarily what God wants in an ideal marriage, but I'm actually not sure that our marriage is what God wanted to begin with. Or what I hear often is I don't think she actually wants to make it work, so how could I? It takes two to make this successful. In our situation. There's only one of us who really cares.

Speaker 3: 1:17

All of these things you're going to hear from friends and family, co-workers, colleagues. These are all statements I've heard from couples, and every single one of these statements is based upon one thing how someone feels about their situation. You see, we can have a lot of correct beliefs about God and still allow our emotions to rule us. Maybe you've experienced this, like I have. When you're trying to help someone who's in a hurting marriage, you have to be able to identify those truthful lies we tell ourselves. It goes something like this I've heard people say the truth is, tomorrow the sun's still going to rise and, no matter the state of my marriage, life will go on.

Speaker 3: 1:57

This, too will pass. But the other truthful lie I've heard is hey, I've accepted Jesus as my savior. I will be in heaven someday. God is my provider, satan is my enemy. Yeah, that's all true, but my marriage has got no effect on my eternity. The truth, though, is that the treasures that God says we're storing up in heaven, the rewards, those things that we build when we build the kingdom of God, we can do that right here and now, in our very own home, by showing truth and love and grace, rather than perpetuating the lies, showing our wrath and forcing isolation.

Speaker 2: 2:29

When desperation or emotions run high, thinking runs low. When our feelings are in charge, rash decisions are made, and that desperate state of emotions about our marriage can cause us to fall into believing those truthful lies.

Speaker 3: 2:44

Think about this. God has made your friend's marriage as this picture of his undying love to the world. God never desires divorce because he's in a covenant love with you and me, your friend, and every person who witnesses that marriage. Our Christian response to our spouse will make a greater statement to the world about our faith and almost anything else we will do, and especially when we're in a season of great difficulty. So what do we do when we feel all hope is gone? What do we say to someone who feels like their marriage is over? Well, the first thing you have to do is really re-examine the truths that they have placed their beliefs in. What truths are they ignoring? What things have they accepted as true that are actually a lie? Let me give you an example.

Speaker 3: 3:33

I spoke with a man here recently. He had a couple children. He had come to the conclusion me and my wife are just not compatible. Now, faith is not a factor in this man's life. The only thing that has really held them together thus far is this common burden they have for children that share their last name.

Speaker 3: 3:49

This man is literally experiencing all of the emotions that I think any would, and he's come to the conclusion this marriage is over and I want out, but he's got no hope because he has no relationship with God, no ability to see what redemption could look like of biblical proportions. He has no call to biblical standards. The worst feeling in the world is that helpless feeling, like I've got no clue where to go with this person. I don't know what to say at all. God has given you a gift in this very moment the opportunity to share truth with someone who's likely to actually be far more receptive than you might think, and I want to encourage you.

Speaker 3: 4:30

Romans is a great place to turn to start that conversation. Romans, chapter 12, is a go-to chapter when we're talking with someone who's at such a point of uncertainty. Now we're going to take some time. We're going to actually break this chapter down verse by verse, and I hope that as we study the Word of God today, you're going to find it applicable not only to your own life, but to those friends and family and co-workers, those people that you're going to intersect with, who will also find God's Word delivers results.

Speaker 2: 5:00

A lot of you are probably familiar with verse 1, but maybe have never thought of it in light of marriage before. So let's do that right now. Paul says I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice, the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. What a great way to start out this chapter.

Speaker 2: 5:21

To be a sacrifice in the way that Jesus was a sacrifice means that we would give it all, that we would actually no longer be living. But that's not actually what he asks. He's already been the perfect sacrifice. He paid it all, so we don't have to. Then he gives us a commission.

Speaker 2: 5:37

In his example, jesus gave his life for people who didn't appreciate him, for people who certainly weren't compatible with their beliefs, people whose actions were even cruel. They were every bit as bad, if not worse, than your spouse. He died for the people who crucified him, who beat him, and this is God's plea to us in Romans 12, that we would be in such desire of worshiping him as we sacrifice for our spouse, as we love them the way Christ would, even when they don't deserve it, that they would see him in us when we're in the throes of all-out war with our spouse. Let me tell you that is not what I feel like sacrificing anything for David. I feel just the opposite, and I bet your friend does too. But you'll see as we walk through this today that feelings have to take a back seat to God's word when you feel like it's all over. Don't run to your emotions. Run to the throne of God.

Speaker 3: 6:28

Verse two is such a challenge, I think, in the culture that we live in. But let me read it out loud. It's so important Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you'll learn to know God's will for you, which is what so many people in this very moment want to know. What is God's will? Well, then you'll learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. You see, we can find all kinds of voices that tell us divorce is right, it's a viable choice, that lusting for someone else is maybe okay. Now, because you're at odds with your spouse, when my marriage is on the rocks, it's okay to seek satisfaction at my own hands? No, it's not, and you need to be that voice of truth.

Speaker 3: 7:16

The world has convinced people that it is no longer their life purpose to love their spouse with everything they have, but rather it should be the purpose of their spouse to love them with everything that they have and when they don't. Well, now we've got the justification to end it all. It's those emotions that get us a time and time again, the thoughts that gang up on our mind that overrun the call to be obedient to God, to love the most, actually when their spouse deserves it the least. The crazy thing is is when we look at this verse actually this entire chapter we see it's there to teach us what we need to know about God's will, a will that doesn't box us into a corner or make us just tap dance for God's pleasure. No, his will is for your marriage. His will is for your friend's marriage. It's good, it's pleasing, it's perfect. And when we follow it, when we're humble enough to say, I want to choose your way, god, not mine, results come. But I think it's important to ask ourselves and our friends what is God's plan for our marriage in general, why did he create it? And then to specifically look at what his plan is for my marriage. What does the world ask and tell me to do, and how does that contrast with what God actually says in his word? We shared a lot about that in some of our earlier broadcasts. If you haven't been able to catch them all, go to our website VowsToKeepcom. We'd encourage you to listen to this whole how to Help a Hurting Marriage series. Verse 3 continues. Because of the privilege and authority that God has given me. I give each of you this warning Don't think you're better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith that God has given us.

Speaker 3: 9:02

What we see is so often people that come in a hurting marriage are looking for justification. They're looking for someone to commiserate with, someone to say, yeah, yeah, it really is over. In fact, I get why you're trying to do this. Don't ever let that be you. Too often they're looking for ways to throw their spouse under the bus, saying man, can you believe what she's done? Can you believe what he's done? They're in this dark place that I can never retrieve them out of. I can't believe they're treating me like this. I can't believe they would stoop so low.

Speaker 3: 9:37

You see, what we're not rightfully considering in those moments is the fact that, as a married person, you're to be used in the restoration of your spouse for the rest of their lives. We have to be honest with ourselves, recognizing that we have our own set of weaknesses, and together we're probably not weak in the same way. That's God's design. They're to hold up their spouse when she's weak. She's to hold up him when he's weak. It's not a time to look down on you as if I've got no weakness and judge you, because the truth is we both need the same Savior.

Speaker 2: 10:09

If that's where you or your friend find yourselves, the place to start really is humility and forgiveness. You're going to have an awfully hard time not looking down on your spouse if you are self-righteous in any way and haven't gone to your Savior recently and all the time asking for his forgiveness, asking for his help. If you miss this step, looking down on your spouse for their sin is going to be second nature. It's going to be the thing that comes out of your mouth because it's what's in your heart. But before that ball can even begin to be pushed down the hill, humility must be in place. We can't be in a place where we're either seeking forgiveness or trying to give it with even the smallest amount of pride. Pride always trumps forgiveness and unity every single time.

Speaker 3: 10:53

Verse four goes on just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so is it with Christ's body. We're many parts of one body. We all belong to each other. So you need to know, as someone who's been sought out for help, someone who's been sought out to hear the complaints of a hurting marriage, that God has created each of us, not only within our marriage but for the purposes of the marriages that are around us with a special function. In marriage, god actually wishes us to function as one husband and wife as one and we have a special function together that we don't actually have as individuals. So where someone's spouse is not pulling their weight is actually a place where, as a loving spouse, you're to step up to say okay, you know, ideally she should be doing this, but my goal should be to give her a break, to give her an example of what love looks like when it's least deserved. It should never be to alienate. It should never be to try to make myself higher or mightier or better because I'm picking up her weakness. Verse six goes on in his grace, god has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you're a teacher, teach them well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it's giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. These verses direct us to use our gift for God's glory and for other people's gain In marriages that are nearing the end.

Speaker 3: 12:30

Too often we find is that someone has never even thought about if they're a believer. They've never even thought about the fact that the spiritual gifts that God has given them should be exercised within their very own four walls. When someone is at the end of their marriage, these verses just get disregarded. So you want to help out a failing marriage? Watch your spouse's reaction. When you give generously, when you encourage, when you serve diligently, when you lead with humility, when you teach your children biblical principles, when you speak out about the faith that you have in God, when your kindness well surpasses someone else's mistakes, when someone sees a heart that's soft, that's teachable under God's hand, they see a heart they want to be near to.

Speaker 2: 13:16

Now we get into the thick of it here in Romans 12, verse 9. Don't just pretend to love others. God's word says Really love them. Hate what is wrong, hold tightly to what is good. I can't tell you how many times I've given kinder words to a stranger and given angry words to the man I love. It's easy to smile at a stranger because they haven't heard us, but people are who they really are when they think no one is watching. Pretending stops when we open our front door. That's when we have to hold tightly to what is good for our marriage and stop giving lip service. When we say those three little words I love you, we've got to have the action to back it up. So think about it. What says love to your spouse? Ask your friend that question. And that leads us straight into verse 10 of Romans 12, love in action.

Speaker 2: 14:05

It says love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. Genuine affection looks different for different people. I am a quality time kind of girl. Sitting beside me, talking with me about something spells love to me. David is like most men. Physical touch says love to him.

Speaker 2: 14:24

And this verse talks about honor. Honor comes when we revere someone. When we feel like giving up, we tend to make our spouse wait until they're 100% perfect to say anything that would honor them for what they're doing right. And since we're sitting in a place of judgment, those moments never come. Therefore, we never give our spouse the love and the honor that they so desperately desire.

Speaker 2: 14:47

So let's work hard, serving the Lord enthusiastically. Let's never be lazy. In fact, that's exactly what verse 11 says. And, woo-wee, I would never want to put myself into that lazy category. We're over here defending our actions based upon how our spouse is treating us, but really I am lazy when it comes to serving the Lord. By loving my spouse, I give my time and my energy to other things, and sometimes, at the end of the day, I don't have anything left to invest. I can be lazy when it comes to serving. I can grumble about the cost that comes to me. So, god, we're really going to need your help on this one. Make our enthusiasm for you, lord, visible in those daily deposits that you're asking us to make in our marriages.

Speaker 3: 15:29

Verse 12 goes on rejoice in our confident hope, be patient in trouble and keep on praying when someone comes to you at the end of their marriage wanting out of it all. Now is the time to be patient, and prayer is clearly the best posture. So often I'm reminded of how hard it is, as Christians, to pray together. Inside of our marriage we should be praying together, but as someone who's on the outside, that is something you too should be reaching for. If your spouse is having a moment of weakness, stop her right there and pray with her. Pray for her, pray out loud. There's a couple of themes I want to wrap up with here today on Basky Radio, there are some instructions that are given in verse 13, verse 15, 16, and 18. And those verses read like this when God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Be happy with those who are happy. Weep with those who weep. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. These verses are so powerful because they're really spoken to you and to I, someone who wants to help a hurting marriage, someone who needs to be ready to go and step beside someone, maybe even weep beside someone you see, hearing stories of a hurting marriage oftentimes is difficult, simply because we either A don't know how to help them or, b we're appalled by what they're saying. It is, in fact, very, very terrible to hear someone's tale of woe, but now's the time where you have to shift gears and really think practically about their needs. Too often we're focused on the failures. We look with them about what their spouse owes them in this situation, and this verse is basically saying you need to set your feelings aside. You need to look at what the real need in that marriage is. When was the last time that they really saw their spouse as a child of God? Is she frustrated with the kids? And she comes and vents to that husband, much to his annoyance. Don't miss the opportunity here.

Speaker 3: 17:31

Verse 15 says to weep with those who weep. You need to be that husband who hears her. Verse 13 says to help with readiness. Be the guy who would maybe give her a break from the kids. Fill up the bathtub, light the candle, take the kids on a walk around the neighborhood, give her 30 minutes. There's so many ways that you can serve when your emotions aren't lying to you, telling you to do the exact opposite, because obedience to God's word brings fruit.

Speaker 3: 18:00

Romans 12 is a powerful chapter speaking on such practical levels. Verse 16 goes on to say Live in harmony with each other, don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people and don't think you know it all. This is again speaking to you as the observer of the hurting marriage, and to you who might be in a hurting marriage, because 16 is telling us we need to be about unity. What actions does your friend need to follow through with this week? Help them make a list, be their accountability partner for those things. Check in with them. Ask them you know, two, three days from now how's it going? Where do you need more truth? Where do you need more prayer? We're going to finish up with these final thoughts from Romans 12 today.

Speaker 3: 18:46

It says bless those who persecute you, don't curse them. Pray that God will bless them. Not an easy thing to do. Verse 17 says never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 19, dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to God. And verse 20 says if your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they're thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will keep burning coals of shame on their heads. Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. We hope that you've seen the value of Romans 12 today as you open up God's word with a friend. If you're at the end of your rope in your own marriage, romans 12 has got the ability to give direction. It has the ability to serve as an encouragement, and confidently. We know if we apply this to our marriage, if your friend applies this to his marriage or to her marriage, change will happen.

Speaker 2: 19:44

God is stirring many hearts on this topic of helping a hurting marriage All around us, in our world, our nation, even your own street or in your own family. You see the need. You see that the world's way of defining and handling marriage issues isn't working. Recently we've had the chance to talk with many people who are stepping forward in obedience, saying yes, lord, I am willing to be used in people's lives, in their marriages, to meet them right where they're hurting.

Speaker 2: 20:10

In Isaiah, chapter 6, we hear the famous words from the prophet Isaiah Lord, here I am, send me. But for Isaiah it wasn't a declaration of hey, I've got this all together as he beats his chest in pride. It was just the opposite, in fact. Right before he makes himself available to God to be used by him, he's saying woe is me, for I am lost. I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. We feel that way too. We live in a lost and fallen world. We not only dwell among people who are fallen, we are fallen, we're in that group who's lost. But I love what God does next. He actually agrees with Isaiah Yep, you're lost, you're unclean. And then he beckons Isaiah closer. Let me cleanse you. I'm the one who can qualify you to do my work, and God can do that for you if you ask him. Not only can he save you and make you a useful vessel for him to speak his word of truth to people, he can equip you to do so. Speak his word of truth to people. He can equip you to do so. As soon as Isaiah says, yes, lord, hear my, send me. God tells him exactly what to do and what to say. God's not going to call you to speak his word to a hurting marriage and then ask you to use your own words to just make it up as you go. He's not only given you the Bible, he's given you the Holy Spirit to help you remember what His word says and the conviction of the Holy Spirit to help you apply it not only in your own marriage, but to a marriage that comes to you hurting. So here's a caution for you today If you feel God pulling at your heartstrings to step up and say yes, don't discount yourself because you aren't qualified. I see the prophet Jeremiah doing that in Jeremiah, chapter 1. God says Now, the Almighty God has just spoken. And then here's Jeremiah's response Sovereign Lord, I don't know how to speak, I'm too young. But God says Don't say I'm too young. You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you, don't be afraid of them, for I am with you and I will rescue you, declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me I've put my words in your mouth.

Speaker 2: 22:20

Just a couple of days ago, david and I got to sit down for several hours with a couple who said you know, I think we're about ready to say yes. They had felt the call for some time to help a hurting marriage and they chose to put their fears and their questions and their misgivings aside and step up to the front lines. We talked in depth with them about the training that we've received through the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. We talked about a couple who mentored us through that process and it was amazing to sit across the dining room table and just see the spark of light in their eyes as they considered what this could look like. But what they can't see right now, what you can't see right now, is the line of people who are going to be waiting to speak to you in heaven. Those arms are going to be wrapped around you.

Speaker 2: 23:03

Of the marriages that you've helped, the outcome, the fruit of God's word spoken at just the right time when someone needed to hear it the most. I think we're going to be absolutely blown away when we get to eternity and see the result of our obedience. God is mighty enough to take our little, tiny, even begrudging acts of obedience and turn them into something bigger than we could have ever imagined. Right now, we're working with a couple who has two young boys and their marriage is on the rocks. Without follow-through of God's commands and His words, their marriage could very well be over. What if you were the couple that walked beside someone like this, mentoring them, discipling them, and not because you know it all, but because you said yes and you know the one who does know it all? What if those boys grew up in a home where their parents not only stayed together but had a godly marriage? The results are going to be eternal. Pray about it and if God is tugging your heart in this direction, step forward. Say yes, lord, here am I. Send me.

Speaker 1: 24:04

Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link.

Speaker 2: 24:21

Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though one of my favorite things to do is read a good book. Fiction with a purpose allows you to journey with the characters and come out on the other side changed more into the image of Christ. And that's exactly what I want for you as you read my trilogy Roots Run Deep. These historical romances are fun and fast paced, but I also know that as you turn that last page, your heart will be changed because you'll know more deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to VowsToKeepcom for all the details.

Speaker 1: 24:55

This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.