Overcoming Financial Struggles in Your Marriage :: [Ep. 258]

Overcoming Financial Struggles in Your Marriage :: [Ep. 258]

Struggling with finances in your marriage? You're not alone. 

This episode takes a deep dive into how financial difficulties can affect relationships and we are providing guidance on how to foster unity amid monetary stressors. 

In this episode, we are highlighting the following:

- Exploring the root of financial stress in marriages 
- The importance of open communication regarding money 
- Biblical stewardship  
- Budgeting as a tool for unity in marriage 
- Emotional tensions surrounding financial discussions 
- Practical steps to nurture financial health in partnerships

Our hope is that you, the listener, will be equipped with actionable steps to transform financial discussions from a source of division into opportunities for growth! Join us today as we explore how to move beyond the fear of financial discussions and create a life filled with purpose, faith, and financial harmony! 

P.S. Don't forget to subscribe and share this episode with those who might benefit from a fresh perspective on money in marriage!

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio
• 12:29 Understanding Marital Financial Stress
• 36:25 Engaging Conversations on Finances
• 56:39 The Biblical Perspective on Stewardship
• 1:50:01 Tools to Foster Unity Through Budgeting
• 22:33:26 Long

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:24

We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3: 0:29

When was the last time you overheard a marriage in stress Because finances were tight? We're in a series on how to help a hurting marriage, and money can be a big and sometimes final divider. Finances aren't something we can ignore in marriage. You will run into people, like we do, who will try. However, they know the buy now, pay later mentality is a lie, but in those lower moments of life they'll take the risks.

Speaker 3: 1:01

Finances are personal, they're touchy, and it can be tough to have a conversation, especially one that we feel like we should try to expand on, when a friend comes and they're sharing the pain they're feeling inside a hurting marriage, and finances are the core topic. Today, we hope to arm you with how to do exactly that, how to engage when someone comes talking about broken finances and engaging in such a way that that topic is actually a way that you can help a hurting marriage. It can get heated, feelings can be hurt. Power struggles are the norm. Hurting marriages with tension about money blow up. When something new forces a change to the status quo, some bill becomes due. The checking account, however, is at zero. A want used resources that should have been earmarked for a need. It's too late. That need now can't be met. This is when, in frustration and panic, you'll find God brings people to you to be taught to be shepherded.

Speaker 2: 2:14

It's the one thing there never seems to be enough of, and some studies show that money issues account for 20% of the divorces. In our country, it's actually one of our favorite topics to talk with a couple about, because God's word is so clear. There are actionable answers to what can feel like an insurmountable problem.

Speaker 3: 2:34

As someone who wants to help a hurting marriage. When was the last time that you really dug into the Bible to review what God specifically calls you to do with your money? Today is that day where biblical stewardship will become fresh on your mind. Maybe it's to help you, maybe it's to help someone else, but would you be able to turn a hopeless perspective from someone's desperate marriage into a chance to turn their attention to God's word? That's the goal In our own life.

Speaker 3: 3:03

I don't think we consider often enough the needs of future seasons. Are we generous givers? Do we feel rich enough to be empowered in our own selfish desires? These are the kind of things that too often we ignore. We all need to keep biblical truths fresh in our minds so that we can be God-honoring with our money and help others who are struggling to actually see the power of doing it God's way, because when we manage our money in biblical ways, it is another way you can testify to what God is up to Now.

Speaker 3: 3:36

If you would have asked us 20 years ago about our budget and our finances and how we viewed money, we would have said you know, I don't think we see eye to eye. Tracy was a bit more of a spender and I was a bit more of a saver, and these are two attributes that don't necessarily create oneness. And if we would have stayed on the path we were on, I think I can honestly say I'm not sure if Vows to Keep Marriage Ministries would be what it is today. God gave us this calling, and our financial picture, like yours, affects your ability to follow through with what he's asked of you, whether you fight about it daily or you just surrender to agree to disagree. How you manage money, how you manage everything in your marriage, plays a role in the long-term success of your family.

Speaker 2: 4:25

You might be like us. Sometimes approached by someone who's in that hurting marriage, they're totally avoiding talking about finances because one of them is believing the lie that silence on this topic equals peace, and we all know the result of that it's division. The couple we were working with was months behind on paying bills. Playing whack-a-mole with the collection agencies in isolation was the result. It was coming out in every aspect of their lives. Money was just where it was undeniably visible outside their home.

Speaker 3: 4:57

Division like this is a killer, but if your goal is to help a hurting marriage, let me encourage you. The opposite is also true. We've seen finances can strangely be like a common ground builder In counseling. Of course we don't start here, but we never run from the opportunity for money to drive two people into a common obedience with God. The result is these two people are on mission together and that builds unity. Issues with finances come up in other ways too. We recently sat down with a couple and the wife's greatest desire was to be home raising her young kids, and her husband really didn't like disagree with any of this but he made it very clear this is not an option for one very important reason we do not have the money for you to stay home Now.

Speaker 3: 5:50

This created some hurt for his wife. It also created a lot of hurt for the husband. Both couldn't understand why the other didn't care more. I think actually, both of them cared a lot, but what they couldn't see was how to unite around a common goal, how to get biblical in their response. Their fight was with each other. What we actually found is they didn't have a good read. Neither of them had a good read on what the state of the state was. He knew every month they spent, every dime they made. They didn't have any extra, but they didn't have a budget. So how did they really know what the options were?

Speaker 2: 6:26

The Bible uniquely identifies money as something that we can serve or use to serve God, and there really is no in between. Jesus makes it clear in Matthew 6, 24, when he says no one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you'll be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. This equation is super simple If you serve God together in your marriage, you're going to be unified. If you serve money, you're going to be divided. It's as simple as that.

Speaker 3: 6:59

When someone comes to you in a hurting marriage, what you're going to also hear is people bickering about who is in control. Financial control is one of the most divisive topics we see in marriage, and hurting marriages are fighting constantly for that control. A lot of times it's because one of them makes more money and the other one spends more money. Scripture doesn't actually say who should take out the garbage, who should wash the dishes or who should manage the money, but it does say that we are to be working as one for a kingdom goal, and that is God's kingdom, not our kingdom. If you find a marriage hurting from the pain of fighting for control, it's key to redefine the parameters. Should it be about pleasing you? Should it be about pleasing your spouse? What about pleasing God? You'll hear it from a friend, from a colleague, from your sister-in-law.

Speaker 3: 7:57

My husband is in a fit of rage. I am tired of being in this cage that I'm kept in. I'm so tired over all the fighting we do over money. You, my friend, have just been handed a perfect opportunity. It's right here. It's right now. In America, too many people have bought into this lie that I'll be happy when I spend Things. Stuff becomes an idol. And along the marriage journey, there is this spouse, there's this husband who's watching them spend to obtain their idol, and they watch them as they discover the reality of short-term fulfillment over and over again. It is exhausting to watch, but the world does an amazing job of making our financial sins appear less selfish. How many times have you heard someone say I just want my kids to grow up in a safer neighborhood?

Speaker 2: 8:54

I don't want to have my kids fighting, so each kid needs their own room. We got to have that big house in that upscale neighborhood. I'm not being selfish. Hey, this is for my kids. In reality, the house that will actually meet our needs as a family rarely looks like the image on TV, so we spend well past what we can afford because we've bought into a lie. Do you believe that your kids are God's kids first? If so, then understand. God will provide. Maybe sharing a room is exactly what they need.

Speaker 3: 9:23

To help a hurting marriage. It's worth it to ask your friend to create a list of ways that they are justifying purchases which are going to put them in debt, rather than putting their desires at God's feet and, in the meantime, faithfully managing their money with a trust for God to provide. So many Christians view borrowing for a house or a car as just fine, but okay. Borrowing to buy a TV? Yeah, that's probably going too far. There's this fuzzy line.

Speaker 3: 9:57

Romans 13.8 says Let no debt remain outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. What we see with couples that we counsel is that they keep taking on financial obligations. They keep buying and buying and buying until they reach this teetering point on their ability to make the monthly payments. Psalm 37, 21 says the wicked borrow and they never repay. But the godly are generous givers. The minute a person goes into debt, they lose a portion of their freedom to be a generous giver. As Proverbs 22, 7 says, the rich rules over the poor. The borrow is a servant to the lender. It's a hard verse to wrestle with, but easy credit now makes you uneasy later.

Speaker 2: 10:54

At its root. I think that when we don't consider our money as God's, we're going to be tempted to use it as our own. God has given us everything, including our family, including our marriage, to be a steward of.

Speaker 3: 11:06

So true, tracy. Now maybe you won't hear from that spending wife, but rather the hacked off husband who just wants to save it all. These are the ones who are indignant. In a silent pride In their head they're saying praise God, I'm not blowing it all like my spending wife. Now, god's word is clear about being prepared for the future. Saving is not wrong, but money can become an idol to those who are using it for their security. So many savers run on fear, and they are actually in sin on this topic. So you have to ask yourself are the financial goals you have actually for a spiritual investment, or are they providing for your security?

Speaker 2: 11:53

According to Deuteronomy 14.23, one purpose of budgeting is actually giving. We who spend first see money as our own. Those who give first trust God as provider and see what they have. As His Proverbs 3.9-10 says Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your crops, Then your barns will be filled to overflowing and your vats will brim over with new wine. In my experience, God is generous to those who are generous for his kingdom. I think a lot of us are seeking that health and wealth. Gospel.

Speaker 3: 12:26

What God will give to them so they can enjoy the good life here to this side of heaven. And I do think God gives to us beyond our needs, but I think he's watchful. He even warns us about the idol that we can build for ourselves right here on earth. Matthew 6, 19 says don't store up treasures here on earth this is directly addressing us when moths eat them, rust destroys them, where thieves break in and steal. No, what we need to do is store our treasures in heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy, where thieves don't break in and steal Wherever your treasure is, this is where the desires of your heart will also be.

Speaker 1: 13:11

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vows2keepcom. Vows2keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows2Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3: 13:27

I know this can be hard to put into practice. I know this can be hard to talk to someone else about, so let's get practical. You might have to challenge someone who can't believe their spouse is living at large with a family budget that their goal maybe is to save for their kid's financial future. Meanwhile, they have not considered what their scriptural responsibility is to be a giver, because you know what. That's just as wrong. Many savers are thinking about their old age or thinking about retirement before they've ever thought about the needs in this world for God's kingdom. The purpose of thinking long-term certainly shouldn't be lost on us, but we've got to caution people to not view retirement as this time to finally indulge, because I don't think we can find that supported in scripture.

Speaker 2: 14:17

James 2.14 says what good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing and you say goodbye, have a great day, stay warm and eat well, but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it's dead and useless. Now someone may argue some people have faith, others have good deeds. But I say how can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.

Speaker 3: 14:53

The two have got to run in parallel. If I lack faith in God, I'm the guy who saves my money to depend on myself. I basically have no deeds because that requires generosity that I'm not willing to let go of. Now there are savers who run on fear and, as I said, they are often in sin. In this topic, there's an emotion that too often can undermine your faith and can keep you from doing financial good deeds. When anxiety about the future is gripping someone, they lose the ability to trust god for their needs, and this spans way beyond money. So your charge, if you want to help a hurting marriage, is to dig together for biblical truths that show the power of substituting faith for fear, recognizing that God is worthy of their trust. So some good homework questions to ask someone in this position what pain points is your view of money causing for your spouse? What are you going to do about it? What is God's word saying that you should be doing to overcome your incorrect view on this topic?

Speaker 2: 16:04

Here's some things to consider. Am I being a good steward with what God's given me and what are the things I'm doing with my money that God hasn't asked me to do? If you ask someone these questions and they fight back, ask them to biblically defend their view of how they view their finances. What verses support their stance?

Speaker 3: 16:26

Here's a sign for you, as somebody who wants to help a hurting marriage, and that is that when we view our spouse as an obstacle to our happiness, when the person you're speaking with sees their spouse as nothing but an obstacle to their happiness, when they notice that their spouse is basically standing in the way, this is a sign that their heart needs to change. Now is the time to not focus on how to please their spouse or how to bring peace, but really to consider how do I please God?

Speaker 2: 17:01

Often there is one spouse who wants the ability to spend without input or control of the other spouse, and this starts a marriage towards financial separation. It's a leap toward a marriage in jeopardy. In spite of all the secular advice these days to live financially independent, it doesn't work. God's design is for us to be one in every way and there's great reasons for that. We've never seen a marriage with financial independence or financial separation that has led to real spiritual unity Never.

Speaker 2: 17:32

If you're working with a marriage who's hurting financially, here's some things to have them consider. Have you made a choice in your marriage towards financial autonomy? Have you convinced yourselves that financial independence will actually save you the hassle of a fight? Because, hey, you've got yours, I've got mine. We don't tell each other what to do, so there's no arguments. Ask what do you do that is financially separating you from each other and from God? Ask hey, does one of you own a car separately? Is this quote my house, because I bought it before we got married? Is that my retirement fund? It's time to put all of these things to bed and start over on fresh biblical ground. Both people should be full owner of every material possession. Both people should be aware and in pursuit of reducing debt.

Speaker 3: 18:27

When two become one. This needs to include our finances. If you're trying to help a hurting marriage and the state of the state is separation, build accountability. Your friend needs to see that this isn't going to work and now's the time to take steps to actually let two become one, even if this is the way that they've always done it. It's not too late to turn things around. To be one in the area of finances is going to change the unity in so many other areas of their marriage.

Speaker 3: 18:59

Remember in 1st Timothy, chapter 6, it says For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. Ecclesiastes 5 10 says he who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income. How true does this verse resonate for us? Every couple we know that's found themselves at the end of the road in their marriage. They have been focused on all of the wrong things. The end is near in their eyes, but the issue is not about making sure that your name is on the title of all the cars and that you own half the house. The issue is not about making sure that your name is not on the credit card bills and getting your name taken off of those kind of things. What we're really talking about is making sure that we make issue and take issue with the financial sins that we hold tightly to in our hearts.

Speaker 3: 20:03

In the United States, we make up the top percentage of the financial abilities in the world. First, timothy 6 has an application for everyone who's hearing my voice today. It says teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud, not to trust in their money, because it's unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need. So tell them to use their money to do good. That's what God's word is encouraging us who want to help a hurting marriage right there. Tell them to use their money to do good, that they should be rich in good works and generous to those in need, always being ready to share with others, and by doing this they will store those treasures up in heaven as a good foundation for the future.

Speaker 3: 20:57

People will come expressing this hurt, this agony, this ragged edge of their financial picture, and what they don't realize is that there are people all around the world living in cardboard boxes. It's not nearly as bad as they think it is. Too many of us are struggling to stay ahead of some credit card debt that we've acquired because we've not been responsible, ahead of some credit card debt that we've acquired because we've not been responsible. There's other people in this world who are just barely able to live and I'm talking really live.

Speaker 3: 21:34

First, timothy 6 has got to give us a compelling perspective that we so desperately need when it comes to money. If you believe God has blessed you, consider how well your stewardship has aligned with what we've just heard. It may be time to sit down with that friend who's been complaining about the financial disconnect in their marriage and have a heart-to-heart talk, asking them questions like what are your goals? Because you're guaranteed to have disunity. If you have different goals and if those goals don't line up with God's word, you're guaranteed to have disunity. So what is the most God-honoring need? Shouldn't we put those things first? Do we have debt? Do we give to those that are in need? Do we have margin for the unexpected? Do we have a date fund? Do we fundamentally have the faith to trust God as our family's provider? In closing, another really practical way that you can help a hurting marriage is to make sure that you help someone build the most basic tool that every marriage needs. I'm talking about a budget, a budget that's built with a real retrospective on the last three to six months, A budget that balances, a budget that breathes, that changes and adapts with what the real needs are. God was gracious enough to give two people in marriage each other To complete his good work.

Speaker 3: 22:56

The charge that that hurting marriage has is to actually be a good steward of what God has given them, not only your money, not only your health, not only your life. We've got to be careful to not let the love of money ruin a marriage. Be united the way that God has intended. Philippians 4.19 has the encouragement we need to ponder today. My God shall supply all of your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Proverbs 8.20 adds I walk in the way of righteousness along the paths of justice, bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me and making their treasuries full as we seek God, not for ourself. We make financial decisions not for an inheritance like a bigger house or a new car. The inheritance substance is way better than that. It's long-term kingdom building treasures.

Speaker 2: 23:56

Join us next week here on Vows to Keep Radio as we continue in our series how to Help a Hurting Marriage. Next time, looking at those marriages that come to you for help saying I'm done, where do you go with them. We're going to take a deep look into Romans 12 next week, right here on Vows to Keep Radio.

Speaker 1: 24:15

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.