Revolutionizing Marriage: Embracing Biblical Roles :: [Ep. 256]

Revolutionizing Marriage: Embracing Biblical Roles :: [Ep. 256]

This VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast episode focuses on understanding marriage roles according to biblical principles and how these roles can either help or harm a marriage. We will highlight the essentials for fulfilling God’s design for a thriving relationship.

In this episode, we will:
• Discuss marriage roles and their significance 
• Help you Understand the distortion of marriage roles in the modern context 
• Offer practical steps for couples to realign with their God-given roles 
• Explore the impact of sin on marriage and the importance of grace 

We hope you can join in on the conversation and learn more! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Biblical Marriage Roles and Responsibilities
• 12:07 Wives' Biblical Roles
• 21:55 Graceful Pursuit in Marriage

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Hey, this is David and Tracy Sellers. We're so glad to be here with you today and, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3: 0:29

We've been in a series on how to help a hurting marriage, something that many of us run into from time to time. Someone comes to you and says I don't know if I can keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe it's a casual complaint that they have, but it's a reoccurring thing. You hear a reoccurring theme where it's your son or daughter-in-law or a friend or coworker. What you're hearing is friction in a marriage. What do you do? How do you help them? That is the series we are in today, and today our topic is about roles. When someone comes to you and says I don't know what to do anymore. What's your job?

Speaker 3: 1:05

That is the question we're working to answer today, and to do that, we're going to start by reading from Ephesians 5, starting in verse 21. It says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ Wives. Submit yourselves to your own husbands, as you do the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Speaker 3: 1:55

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body. But they feed, they care for their body, just as Christ does the church, for we are all members of his body. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. The two shall become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.

Speaker 3: 2:26

And the wife must respect her husband. I feel like if Paul was right here right now he'd be saying yeah, you know what Wives understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ, and husbands, go all in for your love for your wife, exactly as Christ did for the church. Yeah, this is a big mystery and I don't even pretend to understand it all myself. Big picture God gave men and women different roles and that is our goal today to dig into that fully. Now, as we're doing that, I want to say with absolute clarity their roles are different, but men and women in a marriage have equal value. God calls us men to love and lead that girl, and God calls you wives to respect and support your husband.

Speaker 3: 3:13

But the world has done something very interesting. The world has set marriage up for failure by throwing marriage into a gender blender. 50 years from now, what will define godly men if it's not you doing that today and teaching your kids in the next generation exactly what they need to know about how to be a godly husband? You see, we are destined to fail if we think that having a marriage where we're in this 50-50 is what it takes to succeed. It is a lie. You see, too many people are living in a world where acceptance only comes by your performance, and this really goes off the rails when I'm asking you to serve my idols. I'll touch on this a little bit more as we go on, but unfortunately there are way too many marriages today that more or less just give affection based upon the merit, the things that their spouse has brought into the equation. It's not something that's unconditional. In fact, it's something quite the opposite. Their actions are based upon how they feel. In fact, what happens is actually a rejection because of weakness.

Speaker 3: 4:28

As we just read from Ephesians 5.25,. It's a privilege to love as Jesus loves the church. A husband needs to know his wife, he needs to pay attention to her, he needs to nourish her, he needs to cherish her. A husband is called to be the head of the wife, and headship means that he's going to sacrifice himself. He's going to set aside his needs, his desires, his dreams to be someone worthy of headship. Headship means that a husband has the burden of taking initiative to keep this marriage moving forward.

Speaker 3: 5:08

Headship is not some of the examples we've seen in history where there's a husband who turns it into a power struggle. Headship does not mean that you're in a position where your wife is now forced to serve you. That is an abuse of power. Your wife is here to actually serve God by how she serves you, but that is not something you, as a husband, set as a demand. God's expectation is that the buck stops with you.

Speaker 3: 5:32

As a husband, you can't shirk that responsibility. The hard decisions, well yeah, they come and land on your doorstep. Husbands, you are ultimately responsible for the success of your family. Don't be like Adam who said wait a second. God, this moral failure that happened in the garden here. It was the woman that you gave me God. That is weak leadership, and it was then as it is now.

Speaker 3: 5:56

My role as a husband is to make my wife's life great, to make my kids' life great. So how do I do that? How do you do that? How do we help someone else to do that? When someone comes to you in need of help and they say I don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to help my marriage get any better, when you speak to that husband, now's the time that you help them to understand exactly what Jesus does with the church.

Speaker 3: 6:20

You see, as a husband, we need to seek to understand what our wife's role is and what are the struggles that she's experiencing If she works outside the home. Understand what the outside pressures are. Verbalize, especially in times of failure and discouragement, how much you accept her, how much you desire her. Verbalize your need for her and then back it up by actually being willing to share your failures. You need that accountability and every marriage does. Man, I would encourage you to share your hopes and your dreams with your wife. Notice and praise her for the billion things she does for you. Be willing to help her work through hard things, whether that's disciplining the kids or relationships, or fears or resentment. Be patient, nourishing, cherishing. This is all a lifelong process.

Speaker 3: 7:13

When you lead like Jesus describes, wives will want to follow. And as someone who's trying to help a hurting marriage and a husband who comes to you and says, man, my wife does not follow me, she has no desire to follow me. The question you want them to ponder is where is it that you look like Jesus and where is it that you don't? If you don't look like Jesus, of course, right, what you're probably doing is pushing your own agenda, your own idols, the things that you want out of this marriage and no wonder why she doesn't want to follow. What I'm saying is when you lead well, most wives will want to follow. So how do you help a man who's struggling with that? I'll tell you, a lot of women actually struggle with this teaching as well the husband being the head of the wife because they have witnessed the abuse of this. They've witnessed someone ordering around a wife. I don't think any man reading Ephesians 5 could or should come to that kind of conclusion. And just because there are men who are jerks doesn't mean that the Bible is wrong. Jesus dies. Men, you can put down your cell phone. Jesus taught and led in the face of sin. That passage we just read talked about nourishing and cherishing and cleansing her by the washing of the word. This is a kind-hearted thing. This is building into her. So what are five ways that I could sacrifice more for my wife? That's a question you want to ask someone who's coming to you looking for help in a hurting marriage.

Speaker 3: 8:44

A husband is served well to really seek his wife's opinion, to highly regard her opinion. When they say things like man, she's out to lunch, she is crazy, she's being selfish. She's out to lunch, she is crazy. She's being selfish. Leadership involves tackling each of those problems with God's word. A husband is well served to spiritually lead. So how does he do that? Well, it starts by being willing to pray daily, with her Asking how can I pray for you today? Let's take those things that neither of us know the answer to and go to the foot of the cross. Take them to the God who does know the answer, who can bring deliverance To spiritually lead.

Speaker 3: 9:24

Be the husband who would write a love letter. Be the husband who would be God's hands and feet, who would describe not only how you feel, but how God feels about her. Not only how you feel, but how God feels about her. Be the husband who would plan, who would take time and plan a getaway to rest, to reset. Be the husband who would read God's word to her in times of great trial and difficulty.

Speaker 3: 9:53

Be the husband who would lead devotions as a family. Be the husband who would court her, who would remain faithful to her, and I don't mean faithful just as in someone who isn't got his eyes somewhere else, but in fact someone who is devoted with his eyes exactly where they should be all in. Be the husband who would use circumstances, to teach your children to trust God, to protect your family from evil. Be the husband who would set spiritual goals, not only with your wife but for your children. Where are they weak right now? Be willing to inspect what you expect. Be the husband who would take your children on missions trips. Be the husband who would date your daughters. Be the husband who would ask your kids for forgiveness when you fail them. Be the husband who would hug and kiss your wife and your kids. Being a spiritual leader like this is a high and noble calling.

Speaker 2: 10:47

Well, let's talk about the other side of this. How about us ladies? Someone's going to come to you and say, hey, I've tried to get my husband to be a spiritual leader, but he won't. What should I do? Many of us have those thoughts when this question is posed, whether it's to ourself or someone says it to us. There's two things to be considered. Number one what is your role as his wife? And number two what is his role as the husband? And even if you can name all the ins and outs of how he is not doing that correctly, we still need to talk about this topic Frequently. What happens in the absence of a husband's leadership is that a wife is going to just kind of automatically step into that gap to keep things holding together. Let me ask you this question when your husband doesn't lead, do you add to your duties, do you add to your role that God has given you, or is there another option? Consideration number one let's wrap our hearts around understanding our own role as wives first, before we get into this other part of the topic. And as we consider our role, we need to do it without clouding our hearts with what our husband is or is not doing, because sitting in judgment on his performance is definitely going to affect all of your choices and all of your interactions with him. So set that aside for a minute as we talk about God's word here.

Speaker 2: 12:07

In the Bible, there are four specific things that we are called to do as wives. We can find them in scripture and I'm going to give you those scriptures. I encourage you to go and look them up. Number one we are called to help, genesis 2, 18. We are called to love In Titus, chapter 2, verses 4 and 5,. We're called to respect, in Ephesians 5, 33, and we're called to submit. You can find that in Ephesians 5 as well, and in Colossians 3.18. God not only has called us to do these things, he has created us to do them. Now we know that no one is perfect, right? No one's going to hit the mark on each of these qualities every single time, every single day. But when a wife puts these things into practice habitually in her marriage, she is going to find some amazing things happen.

Speaker 2: 12:58

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Speaker 2: 13:31

A wife's personal adherence to walk in her God-given roles invites her husband to love and lead while building his confidence to do so. But in the back of our minds there's this prayer but, lord, this guy you've given me is not holding up his end of the deal, and we tend to sort of panic If our husband either doesn't A understand what God is calling him to do, or maybe B if he knows full well what his roles are and he's just not doing them. So let's look at consideration number two. Don't let your husband's neglect of his role cause you to panic and take the wheel. This seems like the correct choice a lot of times, to take the wheel, because he certainly isn't. But two crazy things happen when you step into your husband's calling as leader of the home. Number one you immediately stop doing all four of your God-given roles. And number two, your husband cannot do his. It's actually kind of ironic practically begging our husbands to love and lead us, nagging them, coercing them, ignoring them, asking God to change them anything we can think of but then the guy takes a chance, maybe even a real small chance, and tries to lead and sometimes gets shot down because we don't want him to take our position. There's a pattern we've set up as us, as leaders, and not them and that pattern leads to isolation rather than oneness, and now it's even leading to a fight between the two of you. So which path are you walking? There's a caution here, because we play quote-unquote God when we lead.

Speaker 2: 15:13

Do you trust today, in your marriage, in your life, that God is sovereign? Do you trust that God is faithful and has great plans for your relationship, much better than you can even formulate on your own? For me, sometimes it comes down to a matter of focus eyes off of what David isn't doing and focusing on what God has called me to do, focusing our faith on our faithful God and not putting our faith in someone who is going to fail, just like we are going to fail them. It's time to step out in faith with a heart attitude of faithfulness to God first and to our husband second. So it's time for a little pop quiz here on Vows to Keep Radio Ladies. What are your four God-given roles? Help, love, respect and submit.

Speaker 2: 16:03

Submitting to our spouse is probably the most powerful tool you have to your husband to help him to be the leader that God's called him to be. Ephesians 5, 21-24 says Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Submission is something that all Christians are called to do here in this passage, out of reverence to Christ. If we look earlier in the passage in Ephesians 5, at verse 1, paul urges us to follow God's example and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as this fragrant offering the sacrifice to God. Our following of Christ's example is an expression of our submission to God first.

Speaker 2: 16:59

And ladies, every time we submit to our husbands we are saying this God, I recognize the created order that you set up in marriage and I admit that your ways are higher than my ways. I actually am submitting to you, god, even in those things where we think we know best, when my desires want to have that vote. God's way is better than my way. So let's talk a little bit about those other three roles that we girls have respect, love and help.

Speaker 2: 17:27

God asks wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5.33, and this is found in the exact same passage where we're asked to submit, and that's not a mistake. God is being very intentional to tie the two together. If you don't respect your husband, you're going to have a very hard time submitting to him. Some of you might say okay, how can I respect my husband when he's not being respectable? My answer to that would be to enrich his life, not by giving him respect based upon his actions, but based upon who he is as God's loved creation. My actions don't often deserve respect, and it's the same with my husband. This is a shift in our thinking, and it's a shift that's got the gospel at the center. By not keeping score on David and determining if he deserves my respect, then grace is about to play a huge part in my marriage and things are going to change.

Speaker 2: 18:20

2 Corinthians 5 reminds us that we are new in Christ. Because we know how Jesus sees us. We no longer count people's sins against them. We want to extend that same grace that we ourselves have received. And now we've stopped silently asking our spouse to perform for us and we start helping them to grow in Christ. Grace at work in your home is going to produce respect. If you are basing your respect for your spouse upon his performance, you're going to be sorely disappointed because he's never going to meet your standards. But God has already met the standard for him in Christ Jesus. Thank the Lord. And now you get the privilege and honor of walking beside him as his helpmate.

Speaker 2: 19:03

God also created us wives for such a role, as we see in Genesis 2.18. The Lord, god, also said it's not good for the man to be alone. I will make for him a suitable helper. That's us. And here's the best way to fulfill that role. Ask yourself the question where is my husband falling short? That's where he needs a helpmate. That's where he needs you to come alongside him with gentleness and wisdom and godliness.

Speaker 2: 19:29

And then the last one. We are called to love our husbands. We see this in Titus 2.4, but really as a theme from Genesis to Revelation. God's love for us. Then we live out the great commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves. Letting Christ's love control us, compel us, like it says in 2 Corinthians 5.

Speaker 2: 19:49

Here's the bottom line Don't try to change your husband. What that does is it sends the wrong message, basically the opposite of grace, and it puts the dependence on yourself rather than God. It makes your husband feel as though he has to perform. We don't bring the change, ladies, god does.

Speaker 2: 20:06

Philippians 2.13 says that it is God who works in us to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. God can take what seems impossible to us, something that we've tried everything we can think of to change and do immeasurably more than we could ever think or ask. Two things you can do going forward today. Number one pray for your husband to understand his roles and to grow in them. And number two, embrace your role with faith, faith in God. This is not a to-do list that I'm giving you today. This is a heart attitude as you help, as you love and respect and submit this week to your spouse in faith in Christ, you are going to give your husband confidence to love and to lead and to work within the roles that God has given him. And before we wrap up today, david's going to be talking about one other kind of role you might find yourself in or your friend might find themselves in, in their marriage relationship.

Speaker 3: 21:07

What is my role if my spouse is deep in sin? You're going to hear questions sort of like this they're in pain, they need help. Well, your response should show that God wants our faithfulness. Even when being faithful comes at a cost, it's easy to love someone who's returning it. In short, we can't ignore it. We can't judge it. We have to forgive and, if needed, ask for forgiveness and then love them through it. Sin is going to affect your marriage. Sin isolates us from our spouse. It isolates us from God. But God specifically and intentionally places us with our spouse to help us both look more like him. God's not surprised by your spouse's sin. He anticipated it. He covered it with the blood of Jesus. Loving like Jesus means leaving the 99 and going after the one.

Speaker 3: 22:00

You remember the parable of the lost sheep? We find this in Luke 15. There's two groups of people listening. The first is the sinners, the tax collectors, and the second is the Pharisees, the teachers of the law. So Jesus says to them, starting in verse 3 of Luke 15, if a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the 99 others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it, and when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. Picking up at verse 7, it says there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over 99 others.

Speaker 3: 22:42

Picking up at verse 7, it says I love this story because it precisely describes you and I. It exemplifies grace and pursuit. We've already been brought into the fold, we're already believers, and yet we do still have this tendency to wander from the shepherd and the safety that he brings. We get enticed away by lies, greener pastures, the promise that something else will fulfill. When someone comes with a hurting marriage and they ask what do I do about a spouse that is entrenched in sin? Rather than trying to shame them, rather than trying to beg them or ignore them or coerce them or drag them out of their sin, now is the time to drop the other 99 quests you have. Drop the distractions, drop the hindrances, drop all the reasons you have to avoid them to avoid pursuit of this issue. Now is the time to go after them. Now is the time to do like Jesus and pursue your spouse with love.

Speaker 2: 23:49

We hope that you are getting some tools in your toolbox for helping a hurting marriage, even if that hurting marriage is your own relationship. We can always turn to God's word for what we need, and that's what we're going to continue to do as we continue this series next week on Vows to Keep Radio how to help a hurting marriage. If you miss other broadcasts, you can find them on our website at vowstokeepcom.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio.