The Transformative Power of Forgiveness in Marriage :: [Ep. 254]

The Transformative Power of Forgiveness in Marriage :: [Ep. 254]

Forgiveness. A hard to achieve, yet, vital component to marriage; it is essential to healing and nurturing the relationship in the face of sin. On this episode of The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast, we explore the deeply rooted impact of unforgiveness, draw lessons from scripture, particularly the Prodigal Son, and offer practical strategies for promoting trust and communication between spouses. 

We will be covering many bases, including:
• Recognizing the sneaky nature of sin and its consequences 
• Understanding the massive weight of unforgiveness in relationships 
• The transformative power of forgiveness and its biblical foundations 
• Practical steps for effective communication and conflict resolution 
• Building trust upon a foundation of faith rather than solely on each other 
• Encouraging a culture of openness and grace in marriages

Come listen in today! 

Chapters

• 0:06 Forgiveness and Trust in Marriage
• 14:05 Building Trust Through Forgiveness and Communication
• 22:52 Forgiveness and Unity in Marriage

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:33

Hey, we are David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3: 0:36

And, like you, we've made vows to keep. We have a love-hate relationship with our sin, don't we? We justify it. I feel like we've got a right to it, but God says anything that rules you besides, him is an idol, and we've got these ideas, those things that rule our hearts. God's word calls those things sin. If we didn't think our sin would deliver for us, we wouldn't be knee deep in it, but here we are. We're convinced it will be the answer we're looking for. We believe it's what we need to be whole, complete. In fact, what it does is quite the opposite.

Speaker 3: 1:11

Sin is sneaky. It can even start off as something that seems so good Principles, ideas, ideals, life goals, even preferences. You know as well as I do, though. Sin doesn't pan out like we hope it does. It separates us from God. We can't deny sin as part of our lives, and it's even more undeniable that our spouse is in sin because we feel the effects. It separates, it damages, it breaks trust, it hurts. Every one of us will be sinned against, in fact, I think we should expect it. God's word says so. So we have to know what to do with sin, first with our own and then with our spouse's sin. We're in part five of the series called how to Help a Hurting Marriage. Your friend has come to you hurting in their marriage. They can't believe their spouse would do this to them. They're looking for advice or hoping you'll tell them what they want to hear. He wants to retaliate against his spouse's sin. He longs to make her pay for the pain that she's caused him. This isn't what he signed up for.

Speaker 2: 2:16

Sin undealt with, whether it's our own sin or our spouse's sin, it becomes like this rock in our shoe. Have you ever had that? A kid playing on the playground? All of a sudden, you got to stop and get it out. Sooner or later, if we don't take it out, it's going to cause a limp in our step.

Speaker 2: 2:32

And Romans 6.23 tells us that the wages of sin is death, a spiritual death, and we know what death does right it separates, sin separates, and it puts an end to all that's good in our marriage. But here's the good news God, in His grace, has a solution, and that's exactly what we're going to talk about today here on Vows to Keep Radio. Whether you or your friend is in the position of needing forgiveness, or you're in that tight spot where you need to forgive, maybe even repeatedly, that's what we have in store for you today an actionable plan for forgiveness and trust. And since we know sin leads to fighting, we're even going to teach you today how to create ground rules for when a fight or disagreement does come and you know it's going to come. So this time you'll be prepared for it and you can help your friend be prepared for it as well.

Speaker 2: 3:22

So let's start with a biggie. Let's start today with forgiveness. Those idols and sins that we hold on to, the ones our spouse holds on to, they're automatically going to create the need to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. Something probably pops into your mind right now, something that is between you and your spouse, and even if you never have an all-out fight about it, it is possible to hold heavy bitterness in your heart without saying a word. Right now, I want you to think about what that is.

Speaker 3: 3:52

So what is forgiveness? How would you define it? We asked some of this question recently and this was their answer Setting something aside and letting it go. So what do you think? What would your definition of forgiveness be? In one sentence, I guess I'd sum it up as not holding someone liable for their actions.

Speaker 3: 4:10

When most of us hear the word forgiveness, we think one of two things the latest or deepest offense that's been done to us and how hard it is to forgive, or maybe even the determination we have that we will never forgive for that. Or we think about our own sin and how Christ paid the price to forgive us. I think it's hard to do both, though I might even say it's impossible to do both. I can't hang on to bitterness and revel in grace and mercy that I've been given so freely by God. When it comes to sin, whether it's yours or you're trying to help a hurting marriage, the rub is in how it affects us, how affects your friend, and this is where you find one of the brothers in the story of the prodigal son. Turn with us to Luke, chapter 15. It would be so awesome to go through this whole chapter with you all three parables the lost sheep, the lost coin and the lost son. God is showing us through story something that we need to understand at the heart level, but we're going to focus today just on the final story in this chapter A high level right here.

Speaker 3: 5:11

There was a man who had two sons. The oldest was obedient and content to live with his father. The younger couldn't wait to get away from the family and live on his own terms. He went to his father to ask for his portion of the inheritance and he took the money and ran off to a far, far away land. Jesus says that the young man wasted his money in wild living.

Speaker 3: 5:33

A short time later, the economy bottoms out. The man has no money, no job and no friends. He was willing to take whatever job he could and in the end he ends up taking care of pigs for a farmer. He was so destitute that he was willing to take whatever job he could and in the end he ends up taking care of pigs for a farmer. He was so destitute that he was willing to eat the pig feed to stay alive. The young man wises up and realizes that he has a loving father who treated his servants better than the way he's currently living. So he decides to return home to ask to become a servant to his father. At least he'd have food to eat to become a servant to his father.

Speaker 2: 6:07

At least he'd have food to eat. But little did he know. His father was in anticipation of his return. So let's pick up reading in Luke 15, verse 20. While he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. His son said to him Father, I've sinned against both heaven and you and I'm no longer worthy of being called your son. But his father said to the servants quick, bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him, get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet and kill the calf that we've been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for the son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he was found. So the party began. Now. I want you to take a listen to this, starting in verse 25.

Speaker 2: 6:48

Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house and he asked one of the servants what was going on. Your brother is back. He was told, and your father has killed the fattened calf. We're celebrating because of his safe return. The older brother was angry and wouldn't go in. His father came out and begged him. But he replied all these years I've slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing, you told me. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when the son of yours comes back, after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf. We'll finish up with these two verses, his father said to him look, dear son, you have always stayed by me and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day, for your brother was dead and has come back to life. He was lost, but now he is found.

Speaker 3: 7:39

When we read this famous chapter most often we focus on this father relationship with his runaway kid. So which person do you relate with most in this story? Could it be the older brother feeling like it isn't fair that someone gets away with their sin in such an easy way? Or are you, the younger brother, feeling repentant and not even expecting to be forgiven, but so happy that you are? Can you relate with the father Heart ready to forgive even before it's been asked, ready to give your best to someone who squandered your love in the past?

Speaker 3: 8:14

I hate to say it, but more often than not we are the older brother. We forget that we've been given everything from our father. We don't understand the grace that we live within. So we begin to demand our right to not be sinned against anymore, our right to get before. We give Our right to be the judge in the situation and demand retribution. We demand payment, forgetting that we've been given mercy. This attitude is one that we've all taken against our spouse. It's an attitude of self-righteousness.

Speaker 3: 8:42

If you've been hurt or if a friend comes to you because of the sin of their spouse, this is where you want to start. Begin by remembering that you've been the prodigal, you've been the older brother. Now it's time to start acting like the father, the one who's full of grace and truth, the one who runs to meet the sinner. We start by asking that person can you make a list of the outstanding unforgiven things in your marriage? Go back, review history, think about it, no matter whether you were the offended person or the offender. If it's not resolved, put it on a list. Then, with that list in hand, you work your way through it, taking responsibility, seeking to repent of the specifics and issues for each and every one of those items that you've contributed to. And there's going to be a list of offenses committed by me against my spouse, but there'll also be a list committed by my spouse against me. So often what people do is fail to take ownership of their 5% because they're so focused on their spouse's 95%. Listen, that's not what matters Right now. It's about getting right before God Now. If you're able to complete that, then the second step is to work through seeking forgiveness with your spouse with anything you've done against them. Anything your friend is not able to fully repent of and seek forgiveness on should be something that's brought back to you for future conversations or opened up, maybe with a conversation with a pastor or a mentor, but forgiveness is all about bringing these things into the light. So the next step involves this person you're mentoring to be obedient to God's word.

Speaker 3: 10:16

Matthew 6 14 says for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. Matthew 18 says then Peter came to Jesus and asked Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or my sister who sins against me? Up to seven times. And Jesus says no, I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times. It's like infinity is what he's trying to say. James 5, 17 says confess your sins to one another and you will be healed. We've watched this happen over and over again. Sometimes the offenses are big and sometimes the offenses are small, but the point to confess those sins is the same. I remember one time, as we were counseling with a couple, the wife stopped our session, turned to her husband and said I need to make it right with you what just happened in the car on our way here. I know this has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but I need to make it right. And we watched their hearts melt as forgiveness was requested and forgiveness was granted. Forgiveness is freedom.

Speaker 2: 11:22

It really is as easy as that and as hard as that. I think many times we don't take those action steps to offer the forgiveness that we've been given, because we think in our unforgiveness that we're holding on to some kind of control, or maybe if we forgive, it makes us vulnerable to more hurt. Here's a question I'd like you to consider today. Would you be willing to be a part of your spouse's sanctification process? Would you be willing to be a tool that God would use in their lives to help them to become more like Christ? That is what marriage is all about. It's loving the most when our spouse deserves it the least, and the change that comes from that kind of love is a lasting change.

Speaker 2: 12:13

Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though one of my favorite things to do is read a good book. Fiction with a purpose allows you to journey with the characters and come out on the other side changed more into the image of Christ. And that's exactly what I want for you as you read my trilogy Roots Run Deep. These historical romances are fun and fast-paced, but I also know that as you turn that last page, your heart will be changed because you'll know more deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to VowsToKeepcom for all the details, for all the details.

Speaker 1: 12:51

If you have a marriage question, please email questions at vows2keepcom. Vows2keep will respond to you via email and perhaps use it on the air. Now let's rejoin Vows2Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 2: 13:10

This week will you be able to forgive for someone else's good? The thing about forgiveness is that it's a choice, and it's sometimes a choice we have to make many, many times. If you feel stuck in your marriage, I want you to take stock this week of what you might be holding on to in unforgiveness, because forgiveness enables us to get unstuck. When we stop holding on to bitterness, we're able to move forward.

Speaker 3: 13:40

Forgiveness is essential to building trust. So when someone comes to you and says, listen, I cannot trust this person anymore, ask them. Does God ask us to trust other people? And what happens when we do trust other people? Guess what? They let you down. Godly people can be helpful and even trustworthy, but when you put your trust in people, you're looking to them to fulfill desires and expectations that they will inevitably fail.

Speaker 3: 14:05

Jeremiah 17 has some humbling words. This is verse 5 and 6. It says we're not saying you should distrust your spouse. We're not asking you to turn your heart away from your spouse, because the people these verses talk about are those who said that they're not trusting God. They turn their hearts away from Him. They hang their hat on others delivering what they wanted. That's when life becomes that barren desert. But on the flip side of this coin Jeremiah 17, verses 7 and 8, we see this. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green. They never stop producing fruit, and that's exactly what we want.

Speaker 2: 15:17

So where are you at with your trust with God today? Proverbs 3, 5, and 6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to to him and he will make your path straight. Now, in order to trust God, we need to know God, and in order to know God, we've got to read his word.

Speaker 3: 15:37

So what do I do with my spouse's addiction? Well, god's word speaks to that. What does God's word say about laziness that I see in my spouse? If I do what God's word asks, my trust is built by seeing that God's word proves that his way works. We prove it with our obedience. There's an element of learning and teaching that's taking place here in order to know and then trust God.

Speaker 3: 16:01

What I've learned is that trusting God is often really a matter of remembering. Remembering that God's faithfulness in the past is going to help us to realize we can trust him with our future. If you're willing to go through this process of writing down what you need to ask your spouse for forgiveness for, and then listing the things that you've been keeping score on in your marriage, guess what? Trust is just around the corner. It's coming and that's awesome, but it's a process that you're going to have to repeat time and time again Because sin they keep cropping up. It's going to do it for you. It's going to do it in your spouse's life as well, and when it does, your heart will be tested within the four walls of your home and the conversations the two of you have or don't have.

Speaker 2: 16:45

So how are those conversations going to go? The world would say that you need better communication skills so you can cope through those difficult discussions. You've probably heard these suggestions like don't interrupt and repeat back what they say, start with I statements, don't use you statements. Things like these aren't going to break your marriage, but they are kind of like putting lipstick on a pig. Changing outward actions doesn't change the heart. Those are good things to practice but we have to start at the heart level, here at Vows, to Keep.

Speaker 2: 17:15

We define problems within a marriage through scripture and we also find the solutions we need there as well. And we see in scripture that arguments and disagreements and all-out war they're going to happen because we're sinners married to sinners. But James, chapter 4, is going to help us see even further what's at the root of all this. James 4, 1 through 2, is one of the most helpful passages you're going to ever hear for your marriage and understanding the root of what's going on between you. It says what is causing the quarrels and fights among you. They come about because you want your own way and you fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and you're willing to kill in this case, kill your marriage and relationship to get it. You want what isn't yours. Basically, you want control. We all are guilty of this. So when someone comes to you, help them answer the why behind the fighting. Help them get to the root, because if you can get down to that level, you'll get to the heart. And if you can get to the heart and your heart is teachable, you're well on your way to understanding God's grace and being able to give it.

Speaker 2: 18:25

Being teachable goes such a long way. We can ask questions of ourself and our friend. Hey, am I trying to get my way in this fight? Am I really just trying to be in control? Do I just not want to let the other person get the win because they won last time? Maybe deep in my heart, I really just want to make them pay. So I'm shunning them, I'm avoiding them, I'm even shaming them. And is there a sin? Is there an idol in my heart that I'm shunning them? I'm avoiding them, I'm even shaming them. And is there a sin? Is there an idol in my heart that I'm not willing to give up or let go? No-transcript. For some of us, the constant mode of fighting that we're in is a result of built up unforgiveness. That's why I love God's design for forgiveness it is a reset and it works every time. But when we don't forgive and we just do it our way, and we keep doing it our way, we're going to remain divided period. It's as simple as that.

Speaker 3: 19:20

As we wrap up today, we're going to give you some advice that's helped us for the last 20 some years. If your heart is right, if you've asked for forgiveness where it's needed and you're staying current with that and you've granted forgiveness of your spouse even if they haven't asked, there are ways to fight fair, to talk and even disagree without dishonoring each other or God, to have a conversation about a topic and not start another cycle of sin. For us, it starts with creating some ground rules ahead of time, letting the Bible be the measuring stick of our behavior, especially when we know we're going to be talking about tough things. We'll share with you some of the things that we've used. Maybe it'll give you some ideas about some of the guidelines you need, or ask your friend to consider the same. Having these in place before that next argument is going to give you and your spouse the foundation it takes to make sure that you're backing up what you're doing with scripture.

Speaker 3: 20:12

The first ground rule is based upon Ephesians 4.26. It says in your anger, do not sin. Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry. The question you have to ask yourself is how long will we stay divided? We try really hard to ensure that never spans a day. The second one would be agreeing to never call each other names, never tearing each other down. This is based upon Ephesians 4.29 and 4.31 and 4.32. It says don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other. There's that word again forgiving each other, just as God, through Christ Jesus, has forgiven you. In other words, use your words to build rather than tear down.

Speaker 2: 21:08

Number three is a little bit unique, but we find this very helpful in our own marriage. Hold your spouse's hand during an argument. Why, well, it's pretty hard to raise your voice to someone while you're touching them. Just try it. We are going to choose to be one, even when we don't feel like it. We will not let something divide us. Number four if your heart is current with God, this one's going to be easy. Do not bring up past hurts or hurtful things the other person has done or said. If you notice you are bringing old things up, that's a key sign you haven't really truly forgiven them. Take care of that before the Lord ASAP. God removes our sin from us as far as the East is from the West, and he asks us to do the same. 1 Corinthians 13 5,. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Don't keep that mental list, and if you are keeping a mental list, that means you got to take those things before the Lord. God, would you please help us to act like you in this area?

Speaker 3: 22:10

Number five do your best to see the other person's heart. Look past their fiery words and all the emotions that they're wearing to what they're really dealing with at the heart level. Validate that which is valid about what they're saying. Number six be the first to say I'm sorry, no matter what the situation is. As soon as you realize you're at fault, stop the conversation right then and there, and then be very specific about what you're sorry for, Even if you think your part's only 5%, own it, Because what you're going to do is make it very easy for them to forgive you and to turn this around. They're going to want to make it very easy for them to forgive you and to turn this around. They're going to want to turn it around and say gosh, I'm sorry for the 95% as well.

Speaker 2: 22:49

Two more before we wrap up here today on Vows to Keep Radio. Number seven is forgive. Maybe even right there in that moment, you're going to be called to do that. They're going to step on your toes, they're going to step on your air hose, and we've got to turn to Jesus for our model on this one. Romans says that while we were still sinners, christ died for us. Forgive because you've been forgiven, even if the other person never asked for it. Be the father, be the heavenly father in that situation. Offer forgiveness before it's even asked for.

Speaker 3: 23:21

And number eight next time there's a conflict in your marriage, stop and commit together to desire God's will instead of your own. How do you do that? Well, you do that through prayer. For Tracy and I, this is something that we do, holding hands, and I got to say for a long time it was not a natural feeling to be at odds and then to be in prayer with physical union. But I'll tell you what it is a heart changer, especially if you haven't come to completely understanding each other. Mid-argument take the lead right there and there, guys, seek God that he would cause your relationship to grow in unity in the middle of a disagreement.

Speaker 2: 23:56

We're in a series how to Help a Hurting Marriage here on Vows to Keep Radio. Join us next week as we continue to give you practical tools for how to help the marriages around you.

Speaker 1: 24:10

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.