The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Breaking Free from Heart Idols That Are Hurting Your Marriage :: [Ep. 253]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 253

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Breaking Free from Heart Idols That Are Hurting Your Marriage :: [Ep. 253]

Our hearts can easily be captivated by the most simple, non-important things, and often they can take root as idols that negatively affect not only your relationship with the Lord, but also affect your marriage. Join us in this episode, as we get to the heart of this idol problem. With insights from Galatians 5, we will explore the delicate dance between flesh and spirit, urging you to examine your own heart and embrace personal growth, regardless of where your spouse stands on the journey. Discover how cultivating love, patience, and godliness in your life can become a beacon of change that inspires your spouse and strengthens your marriage.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey, there we're David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 2:

We all start our marriage with some expectations. Maybe it's the desire for a partnership, to share my life with my best friend, to experience comfort and love. This girl's a Christian. Finally, I found someone I can raise a family with. We've got this purpose in our mind and then we go down the road after we get married and we find that this marriage, well, it's not serving the purpose that I had carved out for it in my mind. I'm not happy and, in short, this is why so many marriages fail and this is why you will have an opportunity to speak into someone else's life. Their expectations of their spouse hasn't been met and suddenly they're at a crossroads. We're in week four on how to help a hurting marriage. Here on Vows to Keep.

Speaker 2:

Last week you focused on a person's spiritual condition. Why? Because your heart is highly valuable. It's the focus of it all. When I take out the trash, I am fine with leaving it on the side of the road. As long as it's gone, I'm not too concerned with who comes and gets it. When something is of value, we guard it, we protect it. Your heart is that thing in your marriage. This is of huge value and God points it out to us and says protect it. So, Tracy, what's the one thing that you have to have?

Speaker 3:

Well, for me, cereal. I love cereal in the morning, I love cereal for snack. I even sometimes eat cereal for dessert.

Speaker 2:

And what happens when you don't get cereal?

Speaker 3:

Well, I've been known to put a sticky note on my cereal, kind of like the keep out sign you put on your door when you're a kid to keep your brother out. I've been known to search the basement for an extra box and feel pretty put out if there's not one there. And then, of course, next time I go to the grocery store I make sure that I get two boxes.

Speaker 2:

Well, I've got a few things in my life that are that way as well. Recently, I have a car that is painted black and some chickens got onto that black paint job, and I don't know if you've ever seen what chickens' feet can do to a black paint job, but it is amazing and not good. What gets revealed in these moments when we find things like black paint ruined by chickens, is exactly what our idols are. What are the things that we value so much in life that they have begun to take control?

Speaker 3:

And I think it goes past our taste buds and past material possessions, for example. It's not uncommon for Sunday mornings at our house to be a little stressful. Now we don't have to be out the door any earlier than a regular school morning, but all of a sudden it becomes also important that we look just so and arrive on time and, in my mind, hopefully a little early, sauntering up to the front doors of the church, looking for all the world like a perfectly put together family. Maybe somebody out there can relate, while you know that only 10 minutes before that there was tension and demands and absolute stress as we were trying to get everybody into the car.

Speaker 2:

You see, even on our best days, our sinful nature gets the best of us. We have good intentions and they are tossed aside by sinful desires that seem justifiable. Hopefully you can relate with us. Godliness takes a backseat to our expectations, to the demands that we have, and guess what? We soon see the fruit of that.

Speaker 2:

Galatians 5 talks about this heart struggle. It's a battle between flesh and spirit. Which one wins, most often in your heart, in your home. There is fruit when the flesh wins. Verse 19 talks about it. It says there's sexual morality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, contentions, division, envy and all other kinds of sins just like this. But there's also fruit when the spirit wins, and that's the one we like to have hung on the wall in our home Love, joy in our home. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Speaker 2:

And most of us think to ourselves gosh, it would sure be nice if my spouse would change. Then finally our marriage would be fixed, finally things would fall into place. If only they would display the fruit of the Spirit. It's amazing and a little bit scary that we can be so self-deceived into thinking that we don't need a lot of change. But that's actually where we're going to be going today working on our own hearts before the Lord, so that our marriages will benefit from that right kind of fruit, even if your spouse isn't on board for change in their own life.

Speaker 3:

And that's going to be especially important to point out to your friend who has come to you for help. They might think I'm the only one so nothing good can happen. Well, god's word says differently and if I'm willing to read this chapter with my heart wide open, I can see myself in this battle. My flesh wants to go against what the spirit is leading me to do and say, and of course I let my flesh win a lot. How about you? I let it control me and when I have things in my life that have taken God's place, I let things rule me other than God and really, bottom line, it makes me an idolater. Let me tell you a little bit about one of my idols in my life, other than cereal that is.

Speaker 3:

For years of my Christian walk I was really focused on how I appeared on the outside. I wanted people and actually I wanted God to approve of me because I did and said all the right things. And this was kind of easy in a sense, because my heart could remain unchanged and untouched. I really didn't have to get much involved. If I look like a good Christian, I could ignore or wiggle my way out of what the Holy Spirit was prompting me to do. I felt I was in the clear because I looked like I was doing just as good on the inside as I was on the outside.

Speaker 3:

One of the fruits of me behaving this way was that I focused a lot on what God would have planned for my life. I spent years in a church that taught me to seek after God's will and not actually after God himself, so I spent my time trying to figure out what those plans were, so much so that I didn't focus on what God's word actually was telling me to do in the moment. The whole time, though, I was really just on my path, my plan, and you know what. I even sometimes read and interpreted scripture to fulfill my purposes. I was making an idol out of how I appeared to others and what they thought of me. My self-righteousness was an idol. My pride was an idol. My plan meant too much to me. It drove me, it motivated me, and it ran the show.

Speaker 2:

And as we live this way, driven by my plan for my purpose and my marriage, the natural fruit is selfishness, it's self-pursuit, and that has deep impacts on our marriages and our lives. The decisions I make, the dreams I chased after, make no mistake, idols affect everything in our lives. It's what sets the course that we are on, and so often, as Christians, we just are blind to this. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ as my savior, but I use that freedom to cover up to do what we most desire to do. And Jesus says something about this in Matthew 23. He calls us hypocrites.

Speaker 2:

Verse 25 says you clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside they're full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, please first clean the inside of the cup and the dish and then the outside. Well, it'll also be clean. God also began to show me that I wasn't really pursuing him. I wasn't really pursuing holiness to bring him glory. I simply wanted what I wanted and I was pursuing me. Those hidden heart idols are Satan's favorite playgrounds. We see the fruit of this and see it's not good. I wanted change. I didn't know how or where to get it.

Speaker 3:

Many years ago, as David and I were learning how to help others through the lens of the Bible. Just like David, my own heart also began to be hungry for change, and that's why we are so excited to teach you about how to help others. God's word can equip you to do just that, and I'm talking about real, lasting heart change that has ripple effects to future generations and David. As we talked about idols in our hearts, I can't help but think about the 10 commandments, don't you?

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, we all need to review God's 10 commandments. I'm going to just focus on the first two. They're found in Exodus 20. The first is you should have no other gods before me. And the second you must not make yourself an idol of any kind or of any image of anything in the heavens or in the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord, your God, I'm a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. It's no coincidence these are the first two of the Ten Commandments, because they apply to every one of us everywhere, no matter the culture or the generation.

Speaker 2:

We allow our hearts to worship, to honor, to esteem so many things other than God. Even though most Christians probably feel that tug of war between the flesh and the spirit, what we don't do is we don't label it for what it is. Most of us just don't see the fact that these idols are in our lives. God's word refers to them as idols of the heart and we don't identify them biblically and therefore we don't deal with them biblically either. Sometimes, if I'm looking really hard and I see a neighbor who's got a new house or a friend who's got a new car, or that highfalutin job promotion that my spouse has been aspiring for. Sometimes I can see, gosh, maybe they do have an idol, maybe this is out of control. But what about your vision for the perfect marriage? What about your vision for a best friend who would always listen to your heart, or a lover who would always want to give? You see, as we talked about in a previous broadcast, these are the secondary purposes. These are the secondary purposes. It's a little unpleasant to see that God is jealous. He wants to take down our idols, preventing us from pretending, hey, this is cool, it's okay that I'm in pursuit of this. And, as a friend to our friends, we have to know when actually it's not okay, when that idol, that thing that they have made all too important in their life, has justified sins. Now we're all sinners, we all are in need of a Savior, but I want to see a very interesting way that God deals with this.

Speaker 2:

I want to turn to Ezekiel 14. I want to set the stage first. So picture this there's some elders of Israel that come before Ezekiel he's a prophet to get counsel from the Lord. Now here's what happens next. Ezekiel says in Ezekiel 14, verse one. Some of the elders of Israel came to me and sat down in front of me. Then the word of the Lord came to me Son of man, these men have set up idols in their hearts and put wicked stumbling blocks before their faces. Should I let them inquire of me at all? Therefore, speak to them and tell them. This is what the sovereign Lord says. When any of the Israelites set up idols in their hearts and put a wicked stumbling block before their faces and then go to the prophet, I, the Lord, will answer them myself, in keeping with their great idolatry. I, the Lord, will answer them myself, in keeping with their great idolatry. I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.

Speaker 2:

You and I, the coworker who you have the opportunity to mentor, we are the elders in this story, asking God to speak to us, asking him to come near, asking him to bless us. Isn't that the way that we pray? God help my marriage, but in keeping with his justice, his mercy, his faithfulness, god says, yeah, I want you to be near to me, I want to bless you. I long to speak my heart to you. I want to bless you. I long to speak my heart to you, I long to draw you to myself.

Speaker 2:

But first let's clear the air. Let's take care of this. Let's get all of that out into the open, because I'm not about to share you with anything or anyone. I love you too much to not first address what's really going on here. Let's not let anything stand between us. I think that's exactly what God meant when he responded to the elders in Ezekiel 14. God's saying I know you're asking me what to do next. I know you're asking me how can my marriage be what you called it to be? But God says we can't go there yet. I have to answer you in keeping with your idols. I have to first address this before we can move ahead. So when people come to you and they want to know how do I get out of this, why won't God show me the way? This is an amazing passage to go to.

Speaker 3:

Forgiveness, god's love for you, exposing the lies we believe. So God's light can overshadow the darkness. As you immerse yourself in the stories of my historical romance trilogy, roots Run Deep, you'll be experiencing these life-changing truths right along with the characters. Can't wait to put these books in your hands. Get them today at VowsToKeepcom.

Speaker 3:

It's usually someone's sin, or the sin of their spouse, that causes people to begin to reach out for help. Sin causes spiritual darkness and in that darkness, we stumble, we trip and we fall, and we see the fruit of it in our lives. And maybe that's what's happening with your friend they're stumbling, or they're watching their spouse stumble, but they don't know why. So it's important to help them identify the sins in their lives. What are the idols that this person has? When sin is called sin, the answer for sin Jesus shines brighter than the problem that sin has created. So to help them think this through, you could ask questions like what do you make sure you have time for? What do you hide that you secretly long for? Have time for? What do you hide that you secretly long for? How do you tune out when things aren't going well? What gets you out of bed in the morning or what keeps you going throughout the day. If you had to name one thing, what would you say is the driving force behind your decisions?

Speaker 3:

Now, for most of us, our motives are probably a mixed bag. We want to please God, but we also want to please self. When it comes down to it, though, I do wrong things because my heart desires something more than it desires the Lord. I'm believing a lie that some idea, some goal, some desire is going to deliver. It's just like Eve in the Garden of Eden she believed God was holding something back from her, and if she could just get that one thing, she'd be complete. Since sin, at its core, is idolatry, let's take a minute to look at some common sins just to get a further grasp on this concept. The sin of pride is an idol of the heart, because I want the glory for myself.

Speaker 2:

The sin of greed is an idol of the heart because in our desire for more and more and more, we believe that more will satisfy God is no longer enough.

Speaker 3:

The sin of lying is idolatry, because I desire to provide for myself by deceiving and conniving.

Speaker 2:

Complaining is idolatry, because it robs God of the thanks that he is due.

Speaker 3:

This one hits home with me. It might with you too, ladies. Wanting my home to be perfect is an idol, because now I'm worshiping the creation and not the creator. It makes material possessions, which are temporary, more important than discipling people who have an eternity. Jesus sheds light on this for us in Luke 16, 13. He says no servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stand devotedly by the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and mammon, that is, your earthly possessions or anything else you trust in and rely on instead of God.

Speaker 2:

What you should be hearing is this is all a matter of the heart. That's what God's after. He's after you and your complete affection and worship. So what rules your heart other than God?

Speaker 2:

Romans 1 singles out our heart struggle, Starting in verse 21,. It says for although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him. But their thinking became futile and foolish. Their hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. And then the punchline in verse 25, they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the creator, who is forever praised. Amen.

Speaker 2:

When we talk about the idols of the heart, we're talking about this great exchange, this daily war in our hearts. Who will we give our worship to? How easily it is that we slip into worshiping the creation rather than the creator. So ask your friend who's come to you for advice. Hey, tell me about the last time that you and your spouse had an argument, had a disagreement. What was it that got you mad? What made you feel violated? Was it because your spouse was a sinner and you were expressing a righteous anger toward them because you love them so much and desire so much to see them grow in Christ.

Speaker 3:

Since it wasn't a righteous anger coming out most likely, let's look at why something else did come out. Jesus says in Luke 6, 45 that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of, or in another version, this verse says what you say flows from what's in your heart. Your angry words, your determination to claim what is your right or to win that argument, to be in control, they all stem from what's happening inside your heart. Who or what is ruling our hearts is going to be shown in our words and our decisions. We started this broadcast by asking the question what do you have to have? I bet your spouse or your friend's spouse could identify that even better than you or them. Everyone around you plainly sees the products of your unseen heart idols.

Speaker 2:

Go with me to James chapter four, where God answers one of the most pressing questions what causes fights and quarrels among you? Then he immediately gives us the answer Don't they come from your desire, the ones that are battling within you? You desire, but you don't have. So you kill, you covet, you can't get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You don't have because you don't ask God. And when you do ask, you don't receive because you ask, with wrong motives, that you would spend what you get on your pleasures. Now I want you to think back to the elders that we talked about in Ezekiel 14. They have a good request, but God says I know that even this good request of me, because of the idols that are in your heart, I know what you're going to do with it. If I give it to you, you're going to spend it on yourselves. You won't use it to help others or love the way that I've called you. So I have to answer you in keeping with those idols. That means I have to deal with your heart first, and then we'll address this thing that you say you want.

Speaker 2:

It's interesting that James chapter four doesn't have us running to apologize to the person that we just sinned against in our anger. That does come later, but instead it instructs us to do something entirely different. Listen to verse 4. You adulterers, don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? As the scripture says, god opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. And here's the action point for you today. Maybe it's for you, maybe it's for your friend Sin idols. They put us at odds with our savior. But God doesn't just stand back in anger and judgment. No, he says let's take care of this. Come to me Repent, Turn away from that sin that you love so much and put me back on the throne of your heart. H love so much and put me back on the throne of your heart Humbly, submit to my authority and sovereignty in your life. You'll be wholly satisfied in me as God. This is the posture that you want to direct someone who comes to you in need of marriage help.

Speaker 2:

People come with their problems, their list of issues, and they want to start talking about them right then and there. But that's not what we do, because the first offense is actually against God in almost every situation and because we don't understand the power of God's grace until we've given it to our spouse. It's not about the core issue that they see. Usually God's grace given generously compels us to seek God's forgiveness. God's grace given generously compels us to seek God's forgiveness, to turn from our sin and to repent.

Speaker 2:

And it's in that repentance that we surrender. We surrender our rights, the ones that we really don't even have, those things that we've said we couldn't live without. Well, that's what's causing the quarreling, the fights, that's what's killing my relationship. But now we lay at the feet of Jesus, trusting that he will provide for us exactly what we need by his grace and by his mercy. And then we do this again and again, repeatedly. This is not just a one-time thing to do in your marriage, because idols of the heart appear when we least expect them. You can be wholeheartedly submitted to God one day and then next you're demanding your wife makes you happy. You can be going along saying no to God one day and then next you're demanding your wife makes you happy. You can be going along saying no to the temptations of this world and then suddenly you find yourself giving in to some of those most pointed temptations in your life.

Speaker 3:

And sin can be sneaky. A lot of times it can start out as a good thing, a good desire, maybe even a biblical desire. For example, you desire that your husband is a strong spiritual leader in your home and you want it for all the right reasons. Okay, so far, so good, right. Well, your husband? He's a little stagnant in his faith walk and you begin to try to encourage him to fulfill his God-given role. He seems to listen when you talk, but you're not seeing any fruit. Or maybe he just flat out refuses to hear what you have to say and it always turns into an argument In the back of your mind. You're thinking how can he not see that this is something he needs to do? Doesn't he know that? I need this from him, the kids need this?

Speaker 3:

You begin to see everything that's said and done in your home in light of his lack of spiritual leadership. So your good desire starts to turn into a demand, and you haven't even realized it. Your desire for something good now has you saying this is my right, I actually have to have this thing. And, like it says in James 4, if I don't get what I think is rightfully mine, what comes out of my mouth and what happens between us is going to get ugly, and fast, because now my spouse stands in the way of me getting what I want. Here's the progression. I want this, I must have this, I will have this, and now I expect my spouse to deliver. This is how a desire, whether good or bad, can turn into an idol in our hearts.

Speaker 2:

Idols of the heart never deliver what they promise. That thing that you're sneaking around behind your spouse's back, that burning desire to be popular and have everyone think highly of you, that house you so desperately try to keep perfect at the expense of your family. None of these things will bring the life that can only come from having no other gods before the one true God. Idols have to be removed, either by God's force or by you finding the end of them and choosing to turn Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors.

Speaker 1:

If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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