The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Transform Your Marriage: Spiritual Growth + God's Grace :: [Ep. 252]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 252

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What if the key to healing a struggling marriage was as simple as understanding the power of spiritual growth? Join us as we explore how nurturing one's spiritual condition can transform relationships, using God's Word as a guiding light. We also are talking about the role of fellow believers in walking alongside those facing marital difficulties, offering support grounded in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Whether you're looking to support marriages in your community or enhance your own, this episode provides the tools and inspiration to foster Christlike relationships, inviting you to participate in a holistic journey of discipleship and spiritual growth.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

We're David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep.

Speaker 3:

And we're in week three of a great series called how to Help a Hurting Marriage.

Speaker 2:

A series designed to help you to know how to respond when someone comes expressing dissatisfaction, even pain, agony, over their own marriage. And you will find that probably historically, as these people have come to you, you've had one of two reactions. The first is whoa deer in headlights, I don't know how to help this person. And the second might just be condemnation. I see they're getting what they are due based upon the kind of choices I've seen them make.

Speaker 3:

But there's hope for a third option, and that's what this series is all about Equipping you to help a hurting marriage. In week one we talked about how, as a believer, you have a part to play, a role to play in the body of Christ. We aren't called to be on the sidelines, but that's where it feels comfortable. God has perfectly positioned you to be his mouthpiece in somebody's life, a friend or family member, not just to point them to a quote unquote professional who could help them, but he's called you to walk beside them as they seek the only one who can give them what their marriage needs, and that's Jesus Christ. In week one we talked about where to start the conversation. We recommend to start with a testimony to find out where they stand with the Lord. Is he their savior or is he just a good concept that they mentally assent to? Do they have a personal relationship with God? Your friend's marriage problems might be the catalyst that leads them to realize, hey, I've actually never made a personal decision to follow Christ, and this could be the time that you lead them to that personal decision. Now, if they're already a Christian, their marriage problems might be what helps them to see God's word is relevant for their lives, that the Bible is powerful and active and it's applicable right here, right now, and I can start applying it today.

Speaker 3:

And then, in week two, we talked about purpose, how God has designed marriage to reflect his love to a world who doesn't deserve it but desperately needs it. Most of us don't see our marriage relationship like that, though. We've got our agenda, our purposes, and when we put those secondary purposes before God's primary purpose, it's a no-go. Things don't work out, and then we start to see our spouse as the problem, our problem. We don't see that it's actually our priority order. That's the problem. Many of our secondary purposes aren't even bad or sinful. In fact, most of them God wants us to actually experience and have. And the way that God's designed marriage is when we put His purposes first, what we saw as the reason for this marriage in the first place becomes a gift that God is happy to give us. And now this week we're going to focus on spiritual condition.

Speaker 2:

And you might be saying, oh wait, david and Tracy, didn't we talk about that? I asked this person for their testimony and they gave me one. Well, let's be clear A testimony actually reveals the starting place of someone's spiritual journey. It says, hey, this person is saved, this person has been born again, and in a minute we're going to explore how a baby's physical maturity into a toddler and a child, eventually a teen and then ultimately an adult is actually somewhat similar to our spiritual maturity.

Speaker 2:

I remember the first time I held my first daughter, thinking how small she was. Her fingers were so small compared to mine. Her physical condition just seemed frail. And in a year from now she's going to be leaving my home, heading off to college and building a life of her own. Where this analogy between spiritual growth and physical growth breaks down is that I've got 17 years of photographs to track the changes in my daughter's life. But spiritually, people can stop growing just after they're born and most of us are none the wiser. What I'm saying is that one can believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior and basically stunt their spiritual growth right then and there. But God has his way of revealing that this is happening, and it comes inevitably through the problems that doing so creates, and this is where people come to you. This is what makes understanding someone's spiritual condition key.

Speaker 2:

Think about the last time you took your car to the mechanic. You maybe brought it to them for an oil change and after that work was done, the mechanic comes back and says listen, I hate to tell you this, but you need brakes and that transmission flush that you've been putting off. Now's the time. Well, you take your car to the mechanic because he's a professional. He knows what's going to leave you on the side of the road and what needs to be done to prevent that. What you're going to learn when a hurting marriage comes into your sphere of influence is that, just like many of us ignore the condition of our cars, unseen parts until it's left us stranded, we ignore that hidden spiritual condition of ourselves and our spouse until we're in all-out meltdown mode in our marriage. Your friends, your co-workers, they're going to come and they're going to share their marriage problems with you and if they're saved as Tracy talked about, that was broadcast number one If they've subscribed to God's purpose for their marriage being more important to their own purpose, like we talked about in broadcast two. Now is the time to evaluate with them their spiritual condition.

Speaker 2:

Like a car, there are major parts required to make a marriage work. Your car with an engine would be worthless without a transmission. What good would the car's body be without the wheels? To put this in spiritual terms, could I be a husband without being saved? Maybe, but not very well. Could I be a servant leader without understanding how the gospel compels me past my selfishness? You see, we, like our car, have a job to do.

Speaker 2:

The question is are we in a spiritual condition to do it? Are the parts and pieces there and are they in working order? Some might answer that question by asking well, is it doing what I'd like it to do? Okay, the brakes have been grinding on my car for months, but no problem, I just turn up the radio. It's still getting me from A to B. That's obviously not how we should be assessing this. How we should be assessing our car's needs is to compare it against its design. We turn to the car's owner's manual. The Bible is our marriage manual. It teaches me that it's not about what offends me, it's about what offends God. People need to know the difference between what I like and what I dislike, versus what I'm designed to do in my marriage and what I'm designed not to do.

Speaker 3:

And we have a job that we are designed to do in our marriage, just like my car is designed to get me where I need to go. So what is your job as a Christian man or woman? Let's look at a couple passages in Matthew, chapter 28. First, where Jesus gives us the great commission go and make disciples. I have that commission. I have that job within my marriage.

Speaker 3:

And when we follow the great commandment that Jesus gives us a couple chapters earlier in Matthew, chapter 22, discipling those in our circle will be a natural outcome. Here's what Jesus says you must love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law, he says, and all the demands of the prophets are based upon these two commandments. Our job is to love. Our job is to go and make disciples.

Speaker 3:

What is your job as a wife? What is your job as a husband? It's to love the Lord with everything you've got and to love your spouse the way that God loves you. And when you let yourself be discipled by someone who is pointing you to Christ, you're going to grow to look more like your Savior. In your life and in your marriage, things are going to be different, but you are also called to be in that discipleship position to speak the truth of God's word to someone who needs to hear it, to walk alongside them and help them grow and change. Your job is to be discipled and to disciple others, and you might be asking yourself well, what about what God has called me to do as a wife or as a husband? What about that specific role? Well, let me tell you in a very near future broadcast in this series, we're going to get really specific about the rest of your job description, what those specific roles are in your marriage and how you can fulfill those roles even if your spouse isn't doing theirs.

Speaker 2:

So to understand our spiritual condition, to be able to do exactly what Tracy's talked about, we must first understand that being Christ-like is a process. Sanctification is that big biblical term that some like to use. Think of it this way Before I was saved, I was full of unbelief, and therefore my spiritual condition, well, I was spiritually dead. What did I need?

Speaker 3:

You needed people to share the gospel with you, the truth with you. You needed to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and then, after we've done that, the Bible says we've been born again. 2 Corinthians 5.17 says we are a new creation.

Speaker 2:

So, like my newborn daughter 17 years ago, you would become a spiritual infant. Your behaviors, your words, they'd be full of ignorance, because this is all new to you. This is a stage where you're telling your kids hey, don't stick your finger in the light socket, don't touch the stove, it's going to burn you. Spiritual ignorance is just as visible in the life of someone who's hurting, because guess what? It has impacts to all kinds of aspects of life, including that person's marriage. These are the husbands or wives who come to you and can't understand why showing their disapproval, through bitterness, toward their spouse isn't changing that spouse Without considering their own part. They can't understand why their faith alone isn't changing their marriage.

Speaker 3:

These are the people who, as spiritual infants, need you to share your life, to share your knowledge of God's truth, to share how, in your life, those old worldly habits that you used to have had to be replaced with new godly habits. Your marriage journey becomes a vehicle to share your experience with God to someone who doesn't know how God relates to the practicality of their own life and marriage.

Speaker 2:

And sharing your story and explaining the journey you've been on to someone who's in this stage is so rewarding. But I want to warn you it can be hard work because oftentimes you're repeating those stories many, many times. Well, next to our physical growth, we go from being infants to being children. The same is true in our spiritual condition. Spiritual children can usually be spotted by a consistent struggle with self-centeredness, and self-centeredness has a huge cost to a marriage life-changing truths, right along with the characters.

Speaker 3:

Can't wait to put these books in your hands. Get them today at VowsToKeepcom.

Speaker 2:

By watching for the debt that self-centeredness creates, you can spot a spiritual child from far away.

Speaker 3:

And knowing that they are a spiritual child is going to be really helpful to you, because now you're going to know what they need from you. They need to connect to God. They need people around them that are keeping them accountable, maybe being in a Bible study or a small group. They need to be connected to God's purpose for their life and understand that.

Speaker 2:

Well, from there we move to the spiritual young adult.

Speaker 2:

These are the people that are characterized by God-centeredness.

Speaker 2:

These are the people that are characterized by God-centeredness.

Speaker 2:

These are people that are characterized by other people-centeredness.

Speaker 2:

They see the needs around them, their eyes are open and, as you see someone coming to you who is a spiritual young adult but having concerns in their marriage, now is the time that you can help them to see what it takes to be equipped to minister to their spouse.

Speaker 2:

Now is the time that you can help them to see what it takes to be equipped to minister to their spouse. Now is the time that you help them to see that God has provided them a ministry opportunity right then and there in their marriage. Now is the time that you help them to see that God is going to release them to do that ministry, to do that hard work inside their marriage. But there's a purpose and a fruit that comes from this too in their life, and that is that someday, god will use this experience in the making of a spiritual parent, someone whose life is characterized by intentionality and strategy for God's kingdom, someone who's equipped to disciple, just like we hope that you are. Someone who's released to connect with someone else who's in need, someone who can do that all on their own.

Speaker 3:

This chart is not only helpful to peg where you think you might be in your spiritual walk, but also where you think your friend might be, as they come to you asking for help or maybe even just complaining about their marriage. Your job at this point is not to sit in judgment on that person, or maybe even judgment on where you think your spouse might be, but to carefully evaluate where are they at, even cover, in prayer, asking God to reveal to you where you can be used to disciple them towards change.

Speaker 2:

If, after hearing this description of this progression, you're saying to yourself listen, I'm not a spiritual parent, I'm not sure that I should be helping others. In fact, this is only confirming the fact that I should be pointing that person off to someone else for help. Well, I want to warn you of this. What God's word talks about as discipleship is not something which just waits for you to be at that point in time where you are at the peak of your spiritual journey. In fact, what he's called us to do is to be looking for someone who is one step below us. So when you're working as a young adult in your spiritual journey, it is perfectly appropriate that you reach out and you walk beside the spiritual children. Those that are spiritual children might find that working with the spiritual infants is exactly the kind of place that they can get busy as Christians in their walk.

Speaker 3:

And if you're a spiritual infant, you have given your heart to Christ, you know how he's delivered you from death to life. You're in the perfect spot to share that good news with someone who doesn't know Christ as their Savior. So you might be asking okay, I've heard this, but I'm not quite sure where I'm at. Let's turn to Galatians, chapter 5, and go through a few verses that really echo what we talked about earlier from Jesus, from Matthew, chapter 22. It says you, my brothers in verse 13 of Galatians 5, were called to be free, but don't use your freedom to indulge the flesh.

Speaker 2:

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command Love your neighbor as yourself. If you bite and devour and of course this happens when we're selfish if you bite and devour each other, watch out or you'll be destroyed by each other.

Speaker 3:

So I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh Verse 18,. You're not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious Sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy. We see a lot of those in our marriages, don't we? The Bible says I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But, on the other hand, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Speaker 2:

Those who belong to Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited provoking and envying each other.

Speaker 3:

So what's the fruit of your walk with the Spirit? Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. So what's the fruit of your walk with the Lord? What's the fruit of your marriage? What's the fruit of your life or your friend's life? That's going to help you see perfectly where you're at in this progression. David and I often find ourselves on the other side of the table from a couple who comes from marriage counseling who, before this particular conversation that we have with them, that you're going to have with your friend, would have pegged themselves as quote unquote mature spiritually, they've gone to church for what seems like forever and they know a lot of God's word. They're even maybe a good deal older than David and I. But here's the thing this progression has nothing to do with how old someone is. Age here is meaningless. Someone in their late 60s who can quote chapter and verse could actually be a spiritual baby, a spiritual infant who needs to get their sea legs under them so they can get out of the crib and start to learn to walk in Christ.

Speaker 2:

Someone else may have only been a believer for a few years, yet their pursuit of Christ and obedience to his word has positioned them to be equipped for ministering to others. The goal is to get the person that you're walking beside to assess themselves with a humble heart before the Lord In pride, I would tend to say I'm more spiritually mature than the fruit of my life actually shows, and we've got to be watching for that. When we're honest about where we're at and what we need to grow in, it's exciting because it's in that moment that we put a stake in the ground. Then we can look back and we can see how much the Lord has done through our lives. Your goal in walking through this assessment process really gauging where their spiritual condition is in reality is to offer them a chance to understand what is next in reality is to offer them a chance to understand what is next. It builds hope to see where change will bring about a new season of life.

Speaker 2:

So why does all this matter? Well, who can run a marathon without a lot of practice in shorter sprints? Which of us could repair a wrecked car without first starting with things like touch-up paint and then fender benders and eventually, full restorations. You see, our spiritual condition gives us our ability to fulfill our role in our marriage and it gives us the ability to support our spouse in their role within the marriage as well. Isn't it amazing that God has generously given us each other to complement and to complete each other in our weaknesses. When we're not viewing each other with a competitive eye, judging the other person's weaknesses, we move toward completing each other. It's at this point God has glorified and, trust me, we are much happier in our marriage. What we want you to see is this as we look at the directive we've been given in Matthew 28, it's almost impossible for us to fulfill our calling from Jesus when we're weak as a couple and I'm speaking to you who want to walk beside someone else. It makes us ineffective at reaching and impacting people. We can't disciple someone when we ourselves are falling apart. But thankfully, God has not left us alone in our state of weakness. We got to fully commit. We got to acknowledge where we need help and identify people in our own lives that have that kind of spiritual chops and knowledge and capacity to mentor us. We don't have the option, as Christians, to let personal preferences or personality attributes supersede what God's word is asking of us. We won't be effective in our marriage. We won't be effective in our calling to disciple others. We're asked to be clay moldable, yielding to God. No part of us should be so set in stone that God's word doesn't impact our heart to the point of change.

Speaker 2:

Some people have a need to be helped. Others have a need to help. You were never meant to live this Christian life alone, by yourself. It's incredibly difficult to grow spiritually. You were meant to pass on what the Lord has given to you the need to be helped, the need to be a helper. So which category are you?

Speaker 2:

Paul first met Timothy when he was a missionary traveling around the Mediterranean and he went to Timothy's small hometown. Acts 14 tells the first time that Paul and Barnabas went there. Later, when Paul returned, timothy's life was forever changed. We can find this in Acts, chapter 16. Paul actually calls Timothy a son. I mean, he wasn't, but there was clearly a deep connection despite a ton of differences. Paul was late to become a Christian, where Timothy was a younger man.

Speaker 2:

Some of you need to be mentors like Paul, to invest yourself, to be available, to give people the freedom to give another affirmationation to love them no matter what, to give them permission to make massive, jesus sized changes for their marriages. We're called to be disciples. Christians committed to discipleship bring the richness of experience to believe in God's ability to move another's marriage beyond their own ability to see it. Nothing else is more satisfying than when someone comes back to me and says thank you, thank you for believing that God could change me as a husband. Let's look at what qualifies someone in need of mentoring by looking at character of Timothy, and then we'll take a quick look at what qualifies someone to be a mentor by looking at Paul.

Speaker 2:

In 1 Timothy, chapter four, paul says to Timothy hey, don't let anyone look down on you because of your youth. A few years later, in 2 Timothy, paul says oh, flee the evil desires of youth. I think Timothy felt immature. He was weighted down by the responsibilities that were being placed upon him. Timothy needed affirmation. In 2 Timothy, 1.7, paul says the Lord has not given us a spirit of timidity. Eventually, the mentor is urging this young Timothy to be more bold.

Speaker 2:

Some of you need a mentor exactly like that, to find a Christian husband or a Christian wife that you admire and respect and see if you can take a peek over the shoulder of their life. But some of you? You need to be a mentor. This is the next step in your own spiritual maturity that we talked about earlier Investing yourself in others. Only it's not you that's being poured into others. This is Jesus Christ that you're passing on, helping others to find the same kind of freedom in Christ that you so much appreciated and believe in.

Speaker 2:

To be the most effective mentor, you've got to give all the credit to God for who you are. Mentors are humble and they understand the true nature of their own sin. Where does Paul come from? He used to be a blasphemer, a violent man, a persecutor. The full story is in Acts on how Paul once hunted down Christians and literally killed them. But Paul goes on to describe himself as a recipient of mercy. To qualify as a mentor, you need to be able to recognize the mercy that God has brought into your life, and that's what you want to pass on to others the incredible nature of God's grace that you've seen in your own life. And that's what you want to pass on to others the incredible nature of God's grace that you've seen in your own life. Paul doesn't do this to promote himself to Timothy. He promotes the transforming power of Jesus Christ. We hope that you are praying right now for a marriage relationship to be available, to be looking, to be open to investment.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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