The VowsToKeep Marriage Podcast

Transformative Self-Reflection: A Journey Toward God-Honoring Love :: [Ep. 251]

• David & Tracy Sellars • Episode 251

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Transformative Self-Reflection: A Journey Toward God-Honoring Love :: [Ep. 248]

Are you merely following the rules, or is your heart truly engaged in your marriage? This episode uncovers the pitfalls of superficiality, drawing from the example of the Pharisees. True change starts from within, and prayer is your compass. By understanding marriage as a reflection of God's love, grounded in passages like Matthew 23 and Genesis, we explore how prayerful guidance can lead you down the narrow path of truth and wisdom. This journey promises not just resilience against life's challenges but also a deeper, more purposeful foundation for your relationship.

Come listen and learn more today to learn not only how to help your own marriage but how to be a better help to a friend's struggling marriage. 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. Our mission is to help couples develop biblically healthy marriages through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. We desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2:

Hey guys, this is David and Tracy Sellers.

Speaker 3:

And, like you, we have made vows to keep. We're enjoying a series together which we hope you are going to find very useful the thought process of how to help a hurting marriage. We've all been in that situation where someone comes to us and says, man, I just don't know if I can keep doing what I've been doing.

Speaker 2:

And a lot of times we do want to help, but where do we even start? Well, that's what this series is all about. We encourage you to listen to part one. It's on our website at vows2keepcom. So many times someone comes to us with a pain in their marriage and you can see clearly from your point of view that they are actually sitting in judgment of their spouse. For example, a lady that I recently talked with wanted her husband to get off of the bump on the log. In fact, she thought her husband was the bump on a log, unmovable, unchangeable. Wouldn't he just lead the family that God had asked him to do? She was so frustrated. I was happy to talk with her about that, and we did for many, many weeks. But the first thing I observed is this is probably a two-way street. There's probably two sides to the story. Let's talk about both sides. A lot of us think, hey, I don't need to change, but gosh, my spouse sure does.

Speaker 3:

If you've got your Bibles, turn to Matthew, chapter 7. We're going to spend a lot of time here in this passage. We're going to start with verse number 1. Jesus warns don't judge others and you won't be judged, for you're going to be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is a standard by which you will be judged.

Speaker 2:

I don't think Jesus is just trying to be harsh in this statement. He's giving us a warning, for a good reason In fact. In the very next verse verse 3 of Matthew 7, he gives the why behind the warning. He says why worry about a speck in your friend's eye or your spouse's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite. First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you'll see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

Speaker 3:

And this is how many people will come to you, frustrated with their spouse's sin, literally can't help themselves but to vent and tell you all about it, and, at their wits end, ready to point the finger, ready to reveal the hurt that they feel. Now, when you hear these things, there are three ways that people usually respond. I want to use the analogy of a car crash, because it's the same sort of scenario as this marriage is crashing in front of you. There's some of us that are somewhat like the observer. We're people that see the car crash. We drive on by. We might even think to ourselves, wow, that looked bad.

Speaker 3:

Now there's others that would say, no, no, I have a role to play here. I'm going to participate in this situation. Those are the people that get on their cell phone and they call 911. They're reaching out to the professionals. They're saying to themselves I know that there's going to be some certain needs here. Now I don't think I can necessarily meet them, but I'm gonna call the people who can. And that third group, whenever there's a car crash whether it's in life or actually with cars are those people that are the owners. Those are the kind of people that are kind of like the police that show up or the EMTs that show up at the scene of a car crash. They're there to provide support, to provide help. That's job number one and your job if you're going to be an owner, someone who's investing in a marriage is not to see yourself as just an observer, to not to see yourself as just a participant, but to see yourself that God might be putting you right there, to be a discipler.

Speaker 2:

For many of us, this is the point where we walk away because we're scared. We've never been that EMT. We feel like we've never had the training to walk alongside someone. Yet Jesus gives us this command, he gives us this mission in Matthew 28, to go and make disciples. And that means right here, right now, and that means every single one of us. So the question really is how can we position our marriage for God's service? Am I willing to step up to the plate and disciple someone whose sin has been causing them pain, or whose spouse's sin has been causing them pain? All of a sudden, they're receptive in a way to God's word that they never would have been before. They're all of a sudden ready for change, and here's an opportunity in front of me.

Speaker 3:

Now that change may not always look like they think it will. In fact, you're going to often find that the change they're looking for is to leave, but a God-honoring change is actually possible. Last week, we talked about where to start with someone who's come to you and said man, this isn't working. I'm bouncing off a wall here for the hundredth time. Things aren't getting any better. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Well, the starting place we talked about last week was having someone write out their testimony, and in fact we challenged you to write out your testimony as well, because no one can argue with our story about God.

Speaker 3:

But if our story is just a vague recollection of hours spent at church during our childhood, or recounting our parents' or grandparents' faith, or something that we do out of habit, almost like a ritual, but doesn't include the moment we started our own personal relationship with Christ, then we need to consider what Jesus says in Matthew 7. This is verse 21. It says not everyone who calls out to me, lord, lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my father in heaven will enter. On judgment day, many will say to me Lord, lord, we prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name. But I will reply. I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God's laws.

Speaker 2:

So what if you ask for this testimony? You ask them to write it out, read it to you the next time you talk and they come back to you empty-handed, or they come back to you with a story of just growing up in church, but not a relationship. That is actually kind of an exciting moment right there.

Speaker 3:

As you said. It's pretty cool, though, because you now have the opportunity to share your testimony with this person. This is the critical first step, because we can't expect God's word to be an authority to someone who doesn't recognize God as God. We can't expect a non-Christian to care about the relationship like Jesus asked them to if they don't know Jesus, but we can recognize that our first mission is now to evangelize this person. They might come to you looking for marriage help. You might have the opportunity to lead them to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. These are exciting moments in time, and let me tell you then Tracy, everything changes.

Speaker 2:

We've seen it before and it is a great place to be. Now, if someone comes to you and you understand through their testimony that they are a believer, then I think it's important to recognize what isn't going to be helpful to them. And there's a couple of different things that we want to talk about before we jump into today's topic of the purpose of marriage. Number one it's easy to just sort of nod as they complain to you and basically give them the impression that there aren't any answers because maybe you don't have them. Second, it's easy to sort of side with them and say yeah, you're right, I can't believe your spouse would do that. In fact, what they've done is fatal to your marriage. What that does, when you do that, is say to your friend hey, your spouse's sins are worse than yours, so you've got every right to leave.

Speaker 3:

And fourth, make sure you're never just providing a listening ear to what is a developing sinful plan. Be the person who would love someone so much you would call sin sin. It's not helpful to give advice just checking off the box. It says listen, I tried, I tried to follow the rules and look how it turned out. And that gives me the excuse to exit stage left.

Speaker 3:

We hear this a lot and that's what the Pharisees were all about. Jesus talked about these guys. They were the rule followers. Their advice to those who are lost or hurting only served to tie them up with more heavy weights on the backs of those people who really needed help. The rules they themselves weren't even willing to follow were what they were asking others to do.

Speaker 3:

We see in Matthew 23, this is verse 4, they crushed people with unbearable religious demands and never looked a finger to ease the burden. Don't let that be you. Jesus has a lot to say about this approach, because just checking off this box to say I've tried never touches the heart. Further down in chapter 23, this is in verse 25, jesus says woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees. You hypocrites. You clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you're full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisees, you hypocrites. You clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you're full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee. First clean the inside of the cup and the dish and then the outside will be clean. This is so important because your friend wants to make their marriage feel better. They want to make it look better, but trying to put fresh paint on a burning barn creates good rule followers, but no hope for a firm foundation on which to build a marriage that's going to last.

Speaker 2:

And we need that hope. Hope can do amazing things. If I believe that there's hope for change, I'm going to start to look for it, but if I don't think there's hope or a reason to chase after it, I'm just done, I'm out. That's why you have to answer the question with your friend why change? And that's what we're going to be teaching on today. Understanding the purpose of marriage helps us to know why we would want this relationship to look any different than it does right now. And hope continues when we know how to change. That it's even possible because there's a means to an end. So, david, we're going to go back to Matthew, chapter seven again, this time in verses seven through 11.

Speaker 3:

Jesus commands keep on asking and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you'll find. Keep on knocking and the door will be open for you, for everyone who asks receive, everyone who seeks finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. God isn't bogged down in the mire of the sin happening between you and your spouse or the hurt your friend and their spouse are experiencing.

Speaker 2:

He's also not sitting up in heaven wringing his hands wondering what to do to help you. He's already involved at the heart level. He's already got a plan that goes well beyond our understanding and there's so much hope in that. He wants to not only reveal that plan, but to provide all the necessary power and resources to reach that end goal. And, like David just read here in Matthew 7, the place he starts is prayer. So take time every time you meet with your friend, every time you talk with them, to pray out loud, ask, seek, knock. That's what God tells us to do. Pursue God like he is pursuing us. He isn't giving up, and now is the time to ask him for help for your marriage or your friend's marriage. And then he says after you've asked, keep on asking.

Speaker 3:

And Tracy, we always want to encourage people to keep on doing the same. Whenever we're talking with someone who's going through hard times, we ask that they stay in prayer about their own actions, holding them actually accountable for a life that is lived and led by prayer. Because when we're in a pickle we search for the nearest help. We can find Something that either gives us this five-step process to get through it or someone who's willing to authenticate and validate our escape plan for this problem. But often we don't look for truth where the only truth is really to be found, and that's God's word. Jesus continues in Matthew 7. This is verse 13. Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. Jesus says but small is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. Jesus says but small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life.

Speaker 3:

Only a few find that this is the second critical conversation after talking about someone's testimony with them acknowledging that God's word is our authority, not only defining our problems, but it's where we're going to go. Look for our solutions. It's the key to moving forward to change. So are we willing to enter that narrow path that God is going to lay out for us? Do we believe what 2 Timothy, chapter 3 says about God's word, that it's useful for teaching, for rebuking, for training in righteousness, equipping for every good work? All right? Well good.

Speaker 3:

If you do, then it's time to build a foundation and that starts with truth from God's word about the purpose of marriage, because if we don't understand our purpose, we'll foolishly build a marriage on shifting sand and not a rock that is solid. Jesus teaches this principle again in Matthew 7. Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on a solid rock. Though the rain comes and torrents and the floodwaters rise, jesus tells us that the winds will beat against that house, but it is not going to collapse because it's built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds their house on sand. When the rains and floods come and they will in your marriage and in your friend's marriage and the winds beat against that house, that marriage will collapse with a mighty crash.

Speaker 2:

If you enjoy a clean Christian historical romance, one with excitement and unexpected changes, you'll want to pick up your own copy of Roots Revealed, book two in my Roots Run Deep trilogy. Once you're introduced to the characters, you'll want their secrets to be revealed. You'll want the mystery solved and the romances to blossom More at vowstokeepcom. Understanding the purpose of marriage has to start with what is my own interpretation of it. The question really is why did I get married? Stating that is going to help me understand the hope I had in my marriage. That hasn't gone the distance.

Speaker 3:

Let me give you an example. I got to rewind the clock a little bit when I was a kid. Growing up, I wanted to be a race car driver. In fact, tracy, I think you can testify to the drive we had here. That's still a dream. Well, as a kid, this dream was something that was very big and important to me. I was a young kid, maybe six, seven years old, and I would drive around the house, making motor noises broad, sliding around the corners, making motor noises broad, sliding around the corners of the staircases on my house when it was career day in sixth grade. Man, I wanted to be Michael Waltrip, the race car driver, and I pursued that. By the time I was 22 years old, I'd won a state championship, the top of what I could achieve where I lived.

Speaker 3:

There was a big transition that came in my life right then and there. That was when my hopes and dreams collided with my purpose. You see, I met Tracy and God had a calling that he put on my life to minister to marriages. It went from something that he was continually laying on my heart since I was a 13 year old to a reality. You see, on our second date we were talking about this? Not necessarily vows to keep by name, but what would become a ministry of walking beside marriages.

Speaker 3:

Now, the dream of racing cars. It went stale. It wasn't wrong, but I certainly realized I wasn't going to sacrifice God's will in my life in order to achieve something like racing cars. Tracy, and I often say every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. What was the lie I could have gone headlong into. Well, that racing cars is what I was born to do. If I believe that lie, that would dictate not only how I spend my time and how I spend my money, but what I expected out of every situation that would enter into my life, and this would have its consequences. Would I even be here standing next to you today, tracy?

Speaker 2:

I don't think so. David had that initial purpose for his life, and I bet you had some initial purposes for your marriage. We're actually going to talk about some of the common ones in just a minute here. If I'm believing a lie about the purpose of my marriage, though, it's going to drive what I say and do and especially, like David said, what I expect, and if what I expect hasn't been delivered, then I conclude that the marriage must be the problem, and those problems are framed through the lens of.

Speaker 3:

This is why I got married. I was looking for a best friend. I was looking for someone who would always be there to be my lover. I was looking for someone who would always be there to be my lover. I was looking for someone who would be my soulmate. All these different expectations that they had, and this person is no longer delivering. But what if their purpose for their marriage was something they could look at and see, was maybe even holding them back? What if the purpose of their marriage actually was reformed? Once they understand the purpose of their marriage through a biblical lens, the why that we need to be doing this, the how, actually becomes very easy to do. So what is the purpose of your marriage, my marriage, your friend's marriage, from a biblical perspective? Let's go to Genesis 2, verse 24. We find this this marriage relationship is the first human institution that God establishes. This permanent relationship was complete and whole, and it was made up with one man and one woman becoming one flesh. And God sets this up for a very specific reason.

Speaker 2:

We learn in Ephesians 5 all about the purpose for this permanent relationship called marriage. A great picture of God's love for us and how that's to be reflected in our marriage. A great picture of the roles that God has given us as husbands for us and how that's to be reflected in our marriage. A great picture of the roles that God has given us as husbands and wives and how, when we are in our God-given roles, how sweet this relationship can be. The mystery of the church being the bride of Christ and Christ laying down his whole life for his bride. So does your marriage look like that mystery? Jesus dying for his bride, you laying down everything for your spouse, his people, loving him in return and looking for how to help the grand mission of the kingdom of God. Do people ask why your marriage looks this way? Maybe that's why your friend came to you in the first place. Don't miss this. Today. Your marriage, your friend's marriage, is intended to tell the truth about God to a world that desperately needs to know it.

Speaker 3:

We are created in God's image, and what that means is that we are part of his ordained plan to provide the world with this picture of his love for his people. Your marriage, your friend's marriage, becomes the means for each of us to demonstrate that love that God has. Marriage is a means of serving and glorifying God.

Speaker 2:

Then here we are and it's uncomfortable. It's not working out the way that we planned. Our spouse isn't everything we thought they were and they certainly aren't giving us what we think we deserve. There are few life situations that test our true Christianity more than the intimacy of this marriage relationship. We live in close enough proximity to our spouse that we know full well the sins of their selfishness, pride and laziness. Their impatience is exposed to us on a daily basis.

Speaker 3:

Our spouse's selfish tendencies, however, are the perfect place to put into practice God's purpose for this marriage relationship. When we model Christ and his relationship with his bride. The church hold on the results of sacrificial love, given when it's least deserved, brings this beautiful gospel picture of Jesus Christ into our homes every day, and you talk about a picture of change that is powerful for anyone who sees it. Once we embrace God's primary purpose for marriage, yeah, we're going to find some of the secondary blessings that are built into a God-honoring marriage. The problem is when we pursue secondary purposes over God's primary purpose. Like we said many of these things, they aren't bad, they just can't be. First, they should be looked at as fruit that comes out of a healthy tree.

Speaker 2:

Some common secondary purposes for marriage include things like companionship. I got married because I wanted to always be with my best friend. I wanted that affection, that love, that true companionship, and that's not a bad thing. But I realize now it grows out of a oneness of spirit as each of us tries to model Christ's unconditional love. If I seek that first, it can actually become an idol.

Speaker 3:

Same thing with enjoyment. The physical relationship is a reflection of the loyalty and the affection that's shared among marriage partners who have become one flesh.

Speaker 2:

Another common secondary purpose is family. We have this desire that I think God put in us to have children, to create a family, and that's not bad. But again it can't be first. And a lot of women also are looking for the secondary purpose of protection, that security. A husband who's going to love his wife no matter what, lay down his life for her, provide the home that she and the children need Again not a bad thing. But when secondary purposes for marriage are placed above the primary purpose, I become discontent and sometimes even fearful. That is always the result.

Speaker 3:

And that's exactly your role in your friend's life as they navigate through their marriage issues to help them to see that these unmet expectations come from desiring our own purposes ahead of God's purposes, to shed light on how to build a firm foundation for the future, and that those secondary purposes that she longs for, he longs for well, they're going to be a natural result of obeying God's word, but we can't demand them up front.

Speaker 2:

So, after you've talked about your friend's testimony with them, start with purpose. Purpose helps set long-term strategy for the hope and the health of their marriage.

Speaker 3:

Purpose inspires change. Ultimately, the marriage can stand the test of time and we. Purpose inspires change. Ultimately, the marriage can stand the test of time and we've got our eyes fixed on God's purpose for it. Hope starts when we work toward a common goal. That's not about me. Purpose shifts the perspective, it gives mission, and when we're on mission, we're ready for godly change.

Speaker 2:

And a little homework that we want you to take part in this week and we want you to write down so that you can give it to this friend that you're working with. Is this List current and former self-serving purposes, what are those secondary purposes that you have put ahead of God's primary purpose for your marriage, and give some examples. How do you know you've done that?

Speaker 3:

Make sure you call it specifically where sin is actually sin. It's so easy to blow off these little choices as insignificant, but the Bible shows that calling sin sin is helpful. It's putting a stake in the ground of where change is needed in my life. Then we ask you to detail a plan for each of these items that you've listed above. How are you going to make this right?

Speaker 2:

In my demand for my secondary purposes. Have I sinned against my spouse? Do I need to go to them and ask for forgiveness? Do I need to set up some future accountability so that I don't fall into this trap again? We're so glad that you are taking time to learn how to become that owner in someone else's life, how to become the discipler when God puts a marriage situation before you. Not to run and hide and put your head in the sand, but to take action and be involved and to disciple and to point someone straight to the hope that can be found in Jesus Christ. Join us next week as we continue in this series how to Help a Hurting Marriage, as we talk about how someone's spiritual condition affects their ability to ultimately fulfill the purpose that God has put for them inside their marriage.

Speaker 1:

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the Donate link. No-transcript.

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David Sellars

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Tracy Sellars

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