Navigating Marital Crisis: Strengthening Faith + Building Christlike Relationships :: [Ep. 250]

Navigating Marital Crisis: Strengthening Faith and Building Christlike Relationships :: [Ep. 247]

Facing a crisis in marriage can feel overwhelming, especially when compounded by the challenges of life. But what if these trials are actually an opportunity to deepen your faith and strengthen your relationship? We'll share our personal journey of navigating these life trials and how turning to biblical guidance transformed what seemed like a disaster into a testimony of hope and unity. 

Join us as we teach you how to not only help your marriage but also be a help and encouragement to another's hurting marriage.  We'll reflect on some of the poor advice we've encountered and the importance of offering counsel rooted in scripture, rather than superficial sympathy. Our hope is that this episode is a call to you to contribute to a community dedicated to building strong, faith-filled unions.

Listen in today!

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Chapters

• 0:00 How to Help a Hurting Marriage
• 10:58 Starting With Testimony
• 11:21 [Ad] The Bible is Alive! - Read the Bible in a Year - NIV
• 12:05 (Cont.) Starting With Testimony
• 23:38 Biblical Marriage Ministry and Support

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy Sellers. The mission of Vows to Keep is to help couples develop a biblically healthy marriage through the application of God's Word and a deeper relationship with Him. They desire to help you and your spouse grow closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage. Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.

Speaker 2: 0:22

We're David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we've made vows to keep. Well, Tracy, I want to take us back to 2006. It's a few years ago To our house that we had out in South Dakota. Now this house we bought, knowing was a bit of a fixer-upper.

Speaker 3: 0:41

Compare that to the first house that we bought. That was a new build. No one had ever lived in it before we got to put our finishing touches on it. We knew the builder. It was obviously a very strong, solid house. Then we buy this house that some farmer had decided to add on to several times over the past 120 years, a very vast difference.

Speaker 2: 1:00

And, of course, shortly after ownership we had what many people experience a little bit of a buyer's remorse sort of situation, because we started to discover some problems, and they were important problems. We had a roof that was leaking and all kinds of other issues that were going on with the house. Meanwhile we find out.

Speaker 3: 1:18

We're going to have baby number three.

Speaker 2: 1:20

Yeah, this was a two-bedroom house. It effectively didn't have a place to put another child, all while we're finding all the problems that it had.

Speaker 3: 1:30

One of the problems that we ended up finding was mold in the house, and I remember sitting on the stairs looking at David, probably even looking at my shoes, saying I'm not staying here another night until this is solved. I've got a baby on the way. This has to be a safe place.

Speaker 2: 1:49

You'll find me at the local hotel. Well, it's pretty clear Tracy felt very passionately about this, and for all of the right reasons. So what would you do? What would you do if I came to you and said my wife is going to go check into a local hotel unless I walk away from a house that we've just spent all of our money on? What would you do? What do you do when someone comes to you with trouble?

Speaker 3: 2:10

I'll tell you what isn't help is if I tell someone my woes and they commiserate with me. Oh, I can't believe it. Yeah, I would definitely do the same thing. You've got to be kidding me. He said that Not helpful.

Speaker 2: 2:22

In fact, also not helpful is when someone says, well, I would tell her, fine, go ahead and leave. These are the tough times that you will find people coming to you in. They're the tough times that people come to Vows to Keep with the life decisions sometimes that have stacked up little by little till it's the major moments, where someone knows this is make it or break it for our marriage.

Speaker 3: 2:47

If you've been listening for a while to Vows to Keep Radio or if you know us as a ministry, you know that we are all about putting the Bible at the heart of what's going on between you and your spouse. Even if you haven't been listening for a while, we are so glad that you're here today as we begin this series on how to help a hurting marriage, because inevitably someone is going to come to you with a gripe, a moan, a complaint or even an all-out crisis in their marriage, someone in your circle of influence. And if you're just hearing a vows to keep or you're not sure what our ministry entails, let me give you the short lowdown. We have several arms to our ministry. That's a good way to look at it. So we have the radio ministry and we're so glad to be able to speak to you every single week right here on Vows to Keep Radio, helping you draw closer to each other and closer to the heart of God's design for your marriage.

Speaker 3: 3:39

We also do that through biblical counseling. We are trained with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors a great program for anyone to go through to be equipped on how to help a marriage and we sit down with couples every single week in person and through online video and walk them through how to have a biblically healthy marriage. We also do events. We can come to your church and do a fun date night or one of those weekend marriage conferences where we give you the big biblical building blocks to have a healthy marriage. And a new part of our ministry is putting all of this in a book format so you can have it in your hands and give it to a marriage that's hurting. But we also, right here today, want to begin equipping you on how to help a hurting marriage.

Speaker 2: 4:26

That's right. It is our goal in this series to give you the opportunity to know exactly what you're going to say when someone like me comes to you and says what do I do? We're going to teach you that all you need is God's word and a willingness to use it, and the reason that that is is that we are all part of a body of Christ. If you are someone who has committed your life to Jesus Christ, you've accepted him as Lord and Savior. You are on a mission.

Speaker 3: 4:55

Here's our mission. In Matthew 28, verses 18 through 20. This is Jesus talking to his disciples after he rose from the grave, and he's speaking to us as well today, when he says all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go, I'm sending you, make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And then he gives this promise, he seals it with surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Speaker 2: 5:25

So, as married people inside the church, we are on a mission to go and teach others how to obey what Jesus has asked of us. That's how we make disciples. But we're not alone in that mission. In fact, god has given us gifts that enable it to be something that we do on his strength, not our own. In 1 Corinthians 12, I'm going to read just the first five verses. Now, dear brothers and sisters, regarding your question about special abilities the Spirit gives us, I don't want you to misunderstand this. You know that when you were still pagans, you were led astray and swept along in worshiping speechless idols. So I want you to know that no one speaking by the Spirit of God will curse Jesus and no one can say Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit. There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of all of them. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. You see, when the Spirit gives us these gifts, they are given for a very specific purpose. I want to go on just a little bit further in that passage.

Speaker 2: 6:30

The human body has many parts. This is verse 12. But the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, some are free Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one spirit and we share the same spirit. Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says I'm not a part of the body because I'm not a hand, that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says I'm not part of the body because I'm not an eye, the body. And if the ear says I'm not part of the body because I'm not an eye, would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body was an eye, how would you hear? If your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? But our bodies have many parts and God has put each part just where he wants it, and that includes you and other people's lives. Verse 19 continues how strange a body would be if it only had one part.

Speaker 2: 7:27

Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand I don't need you. The head can never say to the feet I don't need you. In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary, and the parts that we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require the special care. So God has put the body together so that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all members care for each other. If one part suffers, all parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. Now I read this passage, you read this passage.

Speaker 2: 8:14

How often do we skip right over that? You might be in someone's life as someone God has equipped and called to speak into that marriage. I liken this to a car crash. We've all been in this situation where we've seen some terrible car crash on the highway, and we're usually in one of three states. The first is what I would call an observer. We're someone who sometimes drives by our jaws on the ground as we're looking at the broken and mangled cars, pieces and parts all over the place. Then others of us are what I would call a participant. We're the people that say, oh wow, there's a need, I'm going to call 911. I'm not going to drive by like the observer. I'm going to be a participant.

Speaker 2: 9:01

The third category is someone who I would say is an owner. This is someone who jumps to the aid of the person or persons who are in the car. They're not someone who looks at that situation as some horrific thing that they're looking for someone else to take ownership of. No, they see their role right then, right there, in that moment. And this, my friends, is what we are called to do as disciples. No, they see their role right then, right there, in that moment. And this, my friends, is what we are called to do as disciples. As disciples, we're going to hear of people that have hurting marriages. What do you want to do in those moments? That's our goal. Our goal is to equip you for such a time as this.

Speaker 3: 9:38

At first that might seem scary, that might not feel like your job, because, hey, you've never been an EMT, you've not been trained in this. But God's word has exactly what we need so we can all fulfill the rules that God has given us within the body.

Speaker 2: 9:52

Now, if I was to ask you what are some of the most common problems in marriage, there's probably a rolling list that would go through your mind. Maybe there are problems that you've experienced in your own marriage.

Speaker 3: 10:04

In fact, we've been collecting a list of these common problems from hundreds of couples over the last several years and it's really interesting how we see repeated themes and the questions that come to you and the relationships that you're involved in. You're going to see some repeated themes as well. Here's a common one my mate doesn't listen to me. We fight about finances, we fight about kids. We're fighting about work. I feel like the other person doesn't care about how. They're making me feel my heart is broken, I am angry and I am lonely. There's verbal abuse within my home. There's control issues. We differ on how we use our time and our energy and our money and our resources. I did not make those up. I took those from the last group that we met with that we surveyed.

Speaker 2: 10:58

So the question always is when someone comes to you in difficult times, where do we start?

Speaker 3: 11:04

someone's just stopped at your desk at work and said dude, I'm not sure I can take another day with my wife or your friend that comes to you, ladies, and says I just discovered my husband has been looking at pornography, and for a long time. Where do I even begin?

Speaker 2: 11:59

We believe that where God asks us to begin is with a testimony. You see, too often what we find is that we've been living, we've been doing church with people so much so that we've just assumed that they have actually made a personal decision to make Jesus the Lord of their life, of their life, that they've actually taken the time to confess their sins and ask for Jesus to cover those afflictions, to be the Lord of their life. Just recently, in fact, I walked and talked with a man who came at a point in which his marriage was absolutely in destruction mode. Not wanting to be the person who was just an observer, not wanting to be someone who was just a participant looking to pass him off to someone else, I asked him the question tell me about how you came to know Jesus Christ? Well, he was a little put off by that question because he had gone to church for many, many years and he shared how that was exactly what had been the case, that he had gone to church for many years. But I said listen, man, I hear that that's awesome. I know you've got a lot of biblical knowledge, but tell me about how you actually came to know Jesus, not in your head, but in your heart as Lord, as Savior.

Speaker 2: 13:19

There was a long pause and he eventually said I've never done that. I've got Bible verses hanging all over in my house. I know all these truths. I'm not living with any of them. You see, the reason we start here and even sometimes have people react with a whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Why are you asking me that? Of course I'm saved. You asking me that? Of course I'm saved.

Speaker 2: 13:47

The reason we start here is because so often we've seen God use marriage troubles as a way to bring us as broken people, to see our need for him, our need for him as Lord and Savior. And this might be the very moment that you get the opportunity to tell someone about your Jesus, to tell someone about how you came to know Jesus, not just as a Sunday school answer, but as the master and teacher and leader in your life. You see, there's all kinds of marriage advice that you could give someone. None of it compares to sharing the gospel. That's why we start here and, depending upon where that conversation goes, it becomes an opportunity to follow that up with. Hey, tell me about your spouse's testimony. You'd be amazed.

Speaker 2: 14:33

There's a lot of times where that can't be done, where a marriage, even a long-standing marriage, has never had that kind of conversation, where we actually have talked about how Jesus rules my life, and this is the point in time in which I made that choice. This is what led up to that. In fact, there's not a confidence in that. In fact, this is the time where sometimes you find couples who say you know, I'm not sure my spouse is saved. And again, this is the perfect spot to start, because then what you want to do is help that spouse to see their mission differently. No longer are they in a position just to endure what they've been going through. Now is their Matthew 28 moment. They're now on a rescue mission for the salvation of their spouse's soul. These are rare opportunities that you and I get in life, rare opportunities to speak into someone else's life, and that is why follow-up is absolutely key when you are looking to how you could help a marriage that's hurting.

Speaker 3: 15:44

Never leave a conversation without planning the next conversation. I've definitely learned this one the hard way. Had someone contact me kind of out of the blue and say hey, this is what's going on in my life, this is what's going on in my marriage. I'm not really sure that I like my life at all. I'm not sure what to do. Next.

Speaker 3: 16:01

Had the opportunity to speak on the phone with this girl for a couple hours one day. It was a great conversation, but where I failed is I didn't set up the next conversation. I left her with some challenging questions but there was no follow through. And then it became awkward as one week went by and two weeks went by and I hadn't contacted her again. It was hard to pick up that conversation where we left off. A great way to do it instead would be to say hey, would you mind next Tuesday night if we got together for coffee and just kind of talk through these things? Hey, next Thursday morning, do you have an hour that we could spend on the phone together? I want to hear your answers to what I challenged you with.

Speaker 2: 16:42

And these don't have to be formal meetings, these don't have to be like conversations that are long and drawn out, but what you do want to make sure of is that you're intentional, because this is a God moment that he has put you as that perfect part of the body and that perfect place to serve another part of this body. There are pros and there are cons to formal and informal meetings, and at Vows to Keep, we do this in a very formalized way. What our intention, though, is to show you that you're a part of this mission as well to build biblically healthy marriages, and there's a way to do this. To make sure that you're effective at it In that first conversation, one of the toughest things to do is to get the facts without gossip, to be ready for the fact that every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. You see, people want to tell you their story. They're going to want to tell you all the gory details about what their wife has done or what their husband has done, and in that, what their wife has done or what their husband has done, and in that they want to justify that what they think is next, what they think their next decision is, is right even though it's wrong.

Speaker 2: 17:54

Your job in discipling someone starts certainly with giving them some love and some care, but also asking some really challenging questions. Some care, but also asking some really challenging questions, questions that reveal where maybe their justification can't be biblically supported. The decision that they want to make is one that clearly shouldn't be. That's what love does. That's what discipleship does. It doesn't leave someone in that broken state, hoping they don't make the wrong leap, but in fact stands with them to ensure that they don't. This is the moment that you want to come with some very good questions. You want to ask what have they been doing in the past and really focus on what their response has been. You want to ask them what is it that has motivated them to do what they've been doing? You see, oftentimes it's not God, it's not the Bible.

Speaker 3: 18:48

If the person who's coming to you turns it into a husband bashing session, it's okay for you to stop them and say I might not have all the answers, but I know where to get them. I want to go shoulder to shoulder with you moving forward. Shoulder to shoulder with you moving forward. Gossiping moves us backwards. Looking to Christ and what his word asks us to do moves us forward. Are you in?

Speaker 2: 19:10

What Tracy's talking about is building hope, and we do that by calling sin sin. Being in a place of sin doesn't have to be fatal, but it's not a place to stay. Repentance leads to grace. So often what we find is our inclination in trouble is to state our innocence, but God's intent is to expose our iniquity. A false concept of grace has led so many Christians to be very sloppy about their sin, and in that way they create these massive mountains of problems inside their sin and in that way they create these massive mountains of problems inside their marriages. 2 Corinthians 12 9 says my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ would rest upon me.

Speaker 3: 20:03

In that first conversation. You want to help them to see that you are there as their ally. There's no such thing as too much accountability. I know I need accountability in my life to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only, and the person who's coming to you for marriage help might need that as well.

Speaker 3: 20:21

David and I were in the truck the other night and our cell phone rang. It was kind of late at night we were on a date actually and answered it and it turned out to be one of our friends and she wasn't calling to share all the details of a marriage story that had come to her. She wasn't trying to get into a gossip situation. She wanted to know hey, how can I help this couple who's come across my radar, who I'm friends with, who's suddenly in crisis? She felt called to do something, but she felt unprepared.

Speaker 3: 20:54

This was a woman who didn't just want to give pat answers and say to her friend hey, I will pray for you Now. That is always a great place to start. In fact, we should start there. If your friend comes to you or your family member and says this is what's going on, even if they're in complaint, pray right then and there with that person. But she wanted to go further, because she knew that God is able to save any marriage by the power of his word. It was her faith in action. Right then and there, she wanted to be armed with the necessary tools to take the next step to help a hurting marriage. That was an exciting phone call to be a part of.

Speaker 2: 21:33

It's an honor to walk next to couples who are going through difficult times. It's an honor and our hope and our prayer is that you are also being challenged in situations just like this, Not as someone who is just a casual observer watching what is a horrific marriage fatality going on in front of you, Not as someone who's just a participant saying hey, David Tracy, would you mind giving my friends a call? They're in a very tough spot and they need the kind of help that Vows to Keep can give. We love walking beside couples, but you know what? We don't make house calls. That's why God put you right there in that person's life. Would you be an owner in this situation? Would you be someone who would see yourself ready and able to take an active discipleship role in someone's life?

Speaker 3: 22:28

Now is the time to get equipped, and we're going to walk shoulder to shoulder with you in that process. In this series, we're going to identify some of the biggest problems that marriages have and what God's Word has to say about them. These are problems that a friend or family member might come to you with. We're going to break them down into what we call big buckets. That makes them more manageable as we go through them.

Speaker 2: 22:57

Then we'll talk about how building a roadmap with those big buckets actually is a way, actually is a path to building hope for a couple. Not that what they're going to go through will be the same forever and ever, but in fact, by coupling what we know in God's word with someone who's willing to walk shoulder to shoulder with them and provide biblical accountability, we can actually see long-lasting change happen in marriage. And we know this is true because we've lived it. You remember that story we were telling about the house that we had back in South Dakota, the moment that Tracy had said you'll find me at the local motel. Well, I sought advice and I got bad advice. I got someone who was more interested in commiserating with me and acknowledging man, oh, that's terrible, I can't believe she would do that. And someone who was interested in saying David, the Bible is not silent on these issues.

Speaker 3: 24:03

I had many women who were also willing to commiserate with me as well, saying you better believe you're in the right, rather than pointing me. To work with David, to be in unity together and to move forward together. Biblically. Learn how what we've learned will help you. Fiction isn't just for entertainment, even though one of my favorite things to do is read a good book. Fiction with a purpose allows you to journey with the characters and come out on the other side changed more into the image of Christ. And that's exactly what I want for you as you read my trilogy. Roots Run Deep. These historical romances are fun and fast-paced, but I also know that as you turn that last page, your heart will be changed because you'll know more deeply your Heavenly Father's heart for you. Go to VowsToKeepcom for all the details.

Speaker 1: 24:53

Vows to Keep is supported by a team which includes biblical coaches, writers and pastoral advisors. If you have a desire to serve marriages in your community, we would love to hear from you. Vows to Keep is a not-for-profit marriage ministry designed to bring God's encouraging truth to the marriages of our area. As a not-for-profit organization, our commitment to Christlike marriages includes providing much-needed services, regardless of a couple's financial ability to offset the cost of Vows to Keep operations. If you are unable to donate your time or abilities, but would like to help support Vows to Keep financially, visit VowsToKeepcom and click on the donate link. This program is sponsored by Vows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio.